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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I find it hard to deal with my sick husband

55 replies

BrotherForBear · 04/04/2020 08:41

Hi there,

This is going to make me sound so heartless because my husband is the best in the whole world, he does 50% of the housework and childcare and is a really thoughtful loving kind person but I find it so hard to deal with him when he has a cold/flu. At the moment he has a sinus infection which has rendered him bed bound for the last 4 days. What I find difficult about it is that he just reverts into himself when he gets sick and doesn't communicate at all. It means i end up going up checking on him and offering loads of different types of foods/ medicine which he then refuses. If I don't check on him for a few hours il get a text asking for whatever he needs and that will be the only communication. Luckily he doesn't get sick very often but whenever he does pick up any kind of minor illness (maybe once or twice a year) he goes to bed for days.
I guess it's just the way his family dealt with illness maybe? My family were far more "suck it up and get on with it" kind of ppl.
Im 8 months pregnant and working from home at the moment and obvs with this virus I don't have any where else to escape to (normally around day 5 I would bow out and visit my family to get a break from him) but I'm really concerned about what will happen when we have kids. Will he really continue to lock himself away and refuse to interact with his family? Is this an issue I can raise with him or am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Babooshkar · 04/04/2020 08:46

Sounds like you already have a child to look after

Original poster

BrotherForBear · 04/04/2020 08:46

Correction by *childcare I meant for our fur babies (2 cats and a dog we are expecting our first baby next month)

OP posts:

Peignoir · 04/04/2020 09:04

Then don't deal with it. You're pregnant. I'd leave him to it and if he asks why, I'd tell him it's because of his behaviour.

Justkeeprollingalong · 04/04/2020 09:07

Does he take to his bed with a cold?

funnylittlefloozie · 04/04/2020 09:09

Childcare for your furbabies? Ok, then...

I'd let him get on with it while he's ill, let him send his soppy little texts. Have a grown-up conversation once he has recovered, pointing out that this is not attractive in a grown man, you dont like being pushed into the role of his mum, and in 4 weeks time you will have an epically needy little person who genuinely will require all your attention. Just tell him, dont hope he'll get the message by osmosis.

Meckity1 · 04/04/2020 09:57

When I'm sick, I don't want anyone around me. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to interact, I just want to hide away.

When son came along, of course I interacted with him and kept on with 'mum' stuff.

Everyone reacts to illness differently. You are trying to force your husband to act like you when he is ill, rather than looking after himself in his own way. If it was every week, I'd see your point, but you say it is very rare. If my husband acted like you when I was ill, I would consider him cruel.

Cambionome · 04/04/2020 10:00

He is going to be an absolute nightmare when your baby comes along. Deal with him now; he is an adult, he doesn't go to his bed for a cold/minor health issue.

Flixsfoilball · 04/04/2020 10:28

I'll be honest when if I am sick enough to feel that I need to stay in bed, I want to be left alone too.

I don't want someone hovering and checking and constantly offering me stuff, partly because I just want to hide and be on my own and partly because I don't want to put them out!l

Original poster

BrotherForBear · 04/04/2020 11:50

I don't think big am "being cruel" i have accepted it for the last 5 years and have never ever mentioned it to him and I'm asking here first before considering raising the topic about it. Im not "forcing" him to do anything. Im just being his mum when he's sick but surely im not being unreasonable to worry about what happens when we have babies

OP posts:

Sugartitss · 04/04/2020 12:04

childcare for fur babies.....eh

ChristmasFluff · 04/04/2020 12:05

I always take to my bed when I am ill. I don't see the point in foisting my germy self on other people. Your hovering around him is your choice - he's clearly quite happy to stay in bed and text if he needs something, which is actually what my ex-husband used to do, and it's not a problem, surely? Can't say that I'm up for 'communication' when I'm ill. Doesn't make me a bad person - makes an ill person!

And guess what? I managed to look after my son when he was born, even when ill, because I had to, because I had no help.

He does 50 per cent of the housework when he isn't ill. That will be far more use to you than having someone who soldiers on when ill but does bugger all anyway.

Haworthia · 04/04/2020 12:09

He sounds pathetic. Sinusitis is miserable but he doesn’t need to take to his bed and treat you like shit.

And yes, refusing to speak to you because he’s feeling poorly sick is treating you like shit.

SharkAttack1972 · 04/04/2020 12:12

I would definatelt say something. I get very ill with flu, chest infections. I still get up sort kids, horses, dogs. I'm like u, I suck it up and get on with it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/04/2020 12:13

You know what he’s like, don’t expect him to change when you have your baby. 5 years of this and you’re only questioning it now?

Meckity1 · 04/04/2020 12:14

If I went and hid away because I felt ill, and someone insisted on coming in and forcing me to interact, even though I asked them not to, I would consider it cruel.

It's not every week, it's occasional and how he deals with feeling poorly. Not everyone is the same.

Do you force him to drink tea when he likes coffee?

MayTheGodsBeEverInYourFavour · 04/04/2020 12:18

He does roughly equal shares of housework etc. When he's ill, he goes to bed & just lays quietly & doesn't really ask for much, when he does want anything he just texts you. How would you prefer him to be - a clingy manchild who moped about in a Dressing Gown of Doom, spreading his germs & getting in your way, demanding attention? What would be your ideal scenario?

HollowTalk · 04/04/2020 12:19

I'd leave him to it but talk to him about it when he's feeling better. I wouldn't go and ask if he wants anything if he just says no anyway. Just a breezy, "Let me know if you need anything" and just act as though you're living alone.

Obviously things will have to change when the baby's born. He has to be told that.

Musti · 04/04/2020 12:23

I'm a massive baby when I'm ill but when I've been ill after having kids, I've had to suck it up and dealt with 4 kids as my ex used to work away a lot. So I wouldn't worry too much about when you have kids. He sounds lovely, does his share etc so just let him deal with his illness how he prefers. I had a sinus infection once and it was awful. Couldn't believe how much it hurt (thought it was toothache!). Head over steaming hot water helped a lot

BackseatCookers · 04/04/2020 12:44

You know what he’s like, don’t expect him to change when you have your baby. 5 years of this and you’re only questioning it now?

This - you know him well enough to have a baby with him and you chose to go ahead and do so.

This is going to make me sound so heartless because my husband is the best in the whole world

Don't you feel like this massively outweighs that he drives you mad the way he deals with being ill on the rare occasion he is?

Surely if he's the "best in the whole world" you trust that when baby arrives, if he's poorly he'll step up and still do equal parenting? You keep saying how lovely he is so it sounds like he'll be fine.

I hate chatting and stuff when I'm ill and it's not personal. Of all the faults to have if this is the one that you focus on you're doing pretty well as he sounds great generally.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 04/04/2020 12:58

He sounds pathetic.

No OP does

He's sick. So what if he wants to shut himself off for a bit when he's feeling ill - to be honest from the sounds of it you are pretty needy and I'd want a break from you too

But of course because he's a bloke he must be a total bastard for being sick and dealing with it in his own way according to MN logic

Original poster

BrotherForBear · 04/04/2020 13:54

Hang on I am absolutely not "forcing him to interact, even though he asked me not to" he has NEVER communicated his preference to me at all. I just gather this is his preference since when I offer him food medication etc he generally just says a one word no. He has sinitus at the moment and has been in bed for the last 4 days the first day I went in loads and offered him drinks food etc but the last few days I've just been leaving him to it. He texts when he wants something I drop it in and then i leave without chatting. I am absolutely not forcing him to do ANYTHING I am looking after the dog, cats, shopping, attending the antenatal classes etc myself I'm even taking phone calls from his family. He's not even aware that I am struggling at all.
I just asked the question on here to try and see if I was being unreasonable but clearly the general consensus is I am.
Personally I didn't think spending days and days in bed with a minor illness is beneficial but I guess its his choice and i should respect that. Like one day fair enough but 5/6 days for a cold i would have thought was excessive.
My dad had ALS and even though he was severly I'll he would get out of bed every day to get up and dressed to interact with his family because it made him feel better, he felt worse on the rare days he spent in bed.
But I will take the advice and say nothing. It's my husband's choice and I should respect it

OP posts:

BackseatCookers · 04/04/2020 13:59

You can say something but not cause an argument, however you word it you seem to be asking if you're right to be angry or not instead of wanting to find a solution.

He's not even aware that I am struggling at all.

So just tell him. You can say it nicely and calmly surely. Just have an adult conversation and say you're struggling then work on a solution together? No point seething and struggling if he's not even aware you're struggling at all!

Aussiebean · 04/04/2020 14:08

Leave him to it.

By the sounds of it he isn’t asking you to wait on him hand and foot, he is just absent.

When he is better you will need to have a chat about the fact he isn’t going to be able to take himself away for long periods because he needs to be around for you and the baby.

But that is a conversation for when he is better and before the baby comes

Musti · 04/04/2020 14:09

Jesus op you sound a bit OTT overdramatic. It's a few days a year that he is ill and it's not like you have a massive load. Doing the shopping and looking after a few animals for a few days and bringing your partner some food and drink is hardly cause for all this resentment!

Original poster

BrotherForBear · 04/04/2020 14:10

Im honestly not angry at him at all. Im just weepy the last few days partly because Im heavily pregnant and hormonal and partly because I miss the human interaction which is just worse because I can't see or visit any other humans at the moment. And I guess I just forgot that this is the way he is when he's sick. I will mention it to him when he's better but il make it more about how I feel rather than something he was doing wrong because I guess he isn't doing anything wrong he's just what he has always done when he's sick but I have been able to deal with it better before

OP posts:

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