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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

told me to ask mumsnet

66 replies

lowdownandout · 03/04/2020 23:48

One part of me feels awful coming on hear with seemingly trivial relationship problems, when others are facing a terrible time at the moment, so I apologise,
Even so, life goes on and a difficult relationship continues.
We have been trying to make an effort to get on more but underlying problems are still there.
A disagreement and row took place and he said "put it on mumsnet if you like and see what they say"... so I am doing that just now.
Of course, he has already said that if you disagree with him you are all wrong... that's what he always says!
And yes I've been on here before about him and I haven't got any one else to talk to right now. I feel like I cannot bother my friends at this time.
Can you tell me if you think it is ok to use each others bank card to pay for shopping and the like? So for example if you're out and only one of you has a card, do you think nothing of sharing it and using pin number or contactless payment?
This came up again today when I gave one of our adult children my card to go shopping. I told DH and mentioned how he would never let me do that as has happened a few times and recently when we were out. Maybe I shouldn't have said it but it annoys me and makes me feel like he doesnt trust me.
As usual he went on and on saying how it's against the law and such and he isn't going to do it. But he gets so cross and goes on at me.
I said what about trust and we're married and why does it matter?
He has been in a foul mood ever since and he takes offence so easily when I try to talk things through.
I'm tired of it all. I know other partners are different and I wish he could just relax about some of this stuff.
What are your views on this?
Am I wrong to think it's ok to do this?

OP posts:

EasyTarget · 03/04/2020 23:53

It's not something I would do.

knitpicker · 03/04/2020 23:53

I hand my card to my kids and husband for all sorts - if they pop to the shop or need to buy something online and DH ditto. Wouldn’t occur to me not to and would piss me off if DH had issues, however- people are different and I don’t know if I could get worked up about this. Would bother me if part of a bigger picture of general meanness or unkindness

FortunesFave · 03/04/2020 23:53

Let me get this straight....he won't let you use his bank card to pay for anything? You have separate bank accounts then right?

I also have a separate account....DH and I are completely open with one another about how much is in our respective accounts and we do use one another's cards....I use his more often as he earns more.

We also don't spend on big things without consulting the other.

For example...say I don't have much in my account and we need shopping....DH doesn't have time to go to the shops....I will use his card for the weeks shop and tell him.

He's fine with that.

I'd never go and buy myself a new outfit with his card...if I want a new outfit then I buy it myself.

Food and bills? I can use whichever card has the most money on it...he can too.

Though to be honest he's never used mine....I have a card for his bank account in my wallet....he only has his own...but that's because he earns more and so I'm more likely to run short.

If you both communicate properly about finances...and what's coming out of your accounts, then it should not be an issue to use one another's card.

Eskarina1 · 03/04/2020 23:55

We have a joint bank account and we each are second cardholders on the others credit card but he doesn't know my pin and we wouldn't share cards. I just wouldn't feel comfortable at all. I don't think you can be angry at someone for not wanting to share their bank card.

LovingLola · 03/04/2020 23:57

You have much bigger issues than using each other’s cards
You both sound very unhappy
Do you still love one another?

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 04/04/2020 00:00

Yup we share bank cards all the time.

HeddaGarbled · 04/04/2020 00:02

We don’t use each other’s cards. If we were out and about and only one of us had a card with us (unlikely - why wouldn’t you have your card with you?), then the person with the card would use it themselves, not hand it over to the other person to use. Settling up may or may not happen later depending on what was being bought. Adult children use their own cards, and again, settling up would happen later if appropriate.

Original poster

lowdownandout · 04/04/2020 00:10

To answer some of your questions....
Yes we are unhappy due to various issues which I have put on MN before.
We have been together 30 years. he has moods tempers and anger issues. he had an emotional affair and kiss at work but he has left there now and we are trying to move on. There is a lot more detail I couuld add. (contacting old girlfriends).But it wont come as asurprise that yes we have problems and there is a context to all this.
I am not perfect but I have tried to forgive him and keep hoping .
I am an emotional anxious wreck to be honest.
In terms of the money we have two separate accounts - as in I have one for the shopping and hairdressers and the like. He manages all the bills and accounts and I am not very good at all that.
When I say use each others card I mean just to pop to the shops or get petrol not big expensive items.
It's the issues of trust and maybe power and control that bother me.
Whereas I didnt give it a second thought to give my daughter my card to go shopping he definitely wouldn't.
To balance this he has apologised for ow situations and says he cares about me and let's move forward. But he easily reverts to type.
He gets annoyed VERY easily.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 04/04/2020 00:18

No-one knows my PIN but me.
IF your card were ever stolen / used fraudulently then you'd have no legs to stand on if it came about that you'd let someone else - ANYONE else - know your PIN.

Donkeys years ago when I worked in a bank it used to happen every now and then, and the person has lost any protection the bank otherwise gives you.

He is right.

LalalalalaLlama · 04/04/2020 00:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SandyY2K · 04/04/2020 00:28

I would give my card to my DC to use. Usually contactless purchases.

Some ppl guard their cards like the crown jewels, but in a loving trusting relationship, I don't see it as a problem.

FaithInfinity · 04/04/2020 00:39

We do it say if we’re in a pub, he might use my contactless to pay for a round (joint account). If it needed a PIN I’d do it myself. DD is too young at present but I don’t think I’d let her take my card shopping, I’d rather give her cash. But honestly this sounds like tip of the iceberg stuff. I would highly recommend doing The Freedom Programme (you can do it online). You may well find it helpful.

happymummy12345 · 04/04/2020 00:41

We've had each other's card PIN numbers since fairly early on in the relationship (before we were married even) and have never had any issues with using them. Just like we know each other's passwords and PIN numbers for everything else as well, have done since early on. No reason why we wouldn't.

amazedmummy · 04/04/2020 00:44

He's right it's not something you should do but I and many others do. I wouldn't tell my bank I did if there was fraud on my account but yes DH sometimes uses my card and I sometimes use his. Depending on what we need and who had money. Also we exclusively use his card abroad as it doesn't have foreign transaction fees.

Laurenxx12 · 04/04/2020 00:46

Me and my husband frequently share cards....whoever has one handy. Our teenage children use use both out cards too.

Laurenxx12 · 04/04/2020 00:51

Your husband sounds hard work to be honest. I wouldn't want to be with someone that didn't trust me with their card.

FortunesFave · 04/04/2020 02:26

All the people saying they don't share their pin with their DH or partner...why?

Don't you trust them?

Shoxfordian · 04/04/2020 06:43

He sounds like a knob
He cheated on you but has the audacity to imply he doesn't trust you! Why would you trust him again?

I wouldn't have a problem with my dh using my card but then we have separate accounts and a joint account so would just use the joint for food etc.

Tiffanysetting · 04/04/2020 09:11

We share all cards and cash, overdrafts etc.
We've never had a row over money it's just something we agree on.

Therollockingrogue · 04/04/2020 09:19

“ He manages all the bills and accounts and I am not very good at all that.”

Get good , and get good fast.
It’s 2020, no woman has an option to be bad at bills and accounts if you have an ounce of self respect and value your freedom.
Look into some of the banking app products available. You can mumsnet so you can manage your money.
Also let’s not have men asking us to ask mumsnet. Let’s just keep dickheads like your cheating husband out of our space . Maintain your privacy and your dignity and your support networks.

BrooHaHa · 04/04/2020 09:21

Nope. I have let people use my card for a specific contactless payment before, but I would never tell anyone my PIN.

Bluntness100 · 04/04/2020 09:23

I’d absolutely trust my daughter with my card. A couple of time’s ive asked her to get money out for me. I’ve done the same with my husband.

The lack of trust from him would concern me, does he think your children or you would steal from him or you? Because that’s what it amounts to.

lazylinguist · 04/04/2020 09:26

He sounds like a cheat and an arsehole. Sorry OP, but what's the point in asking MN about individual niggles and arguments when it's perfectly clear that it's the whole relationship that's the probkem and that you are unhappy and should leave?

Strugglingtodomybest · 04/04/2020 09:27

DH usually has my debit card to use while I use my credit card. We've been together almost 20 years and over time my account has become the joint account as it has the most money in it.

We're both on the same page when it comes to money though, and I wouldn't do it this way if I couldn't trust him.

I'm not implying that your DH can't trust you btw. I mean, really, he's right in that you shouldn't share your pin with anyone, but it just makes our life's a little bit easier.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 04/04/2020 09:27

I have a card for dhs account. He doesnt have one for mine but uses mine occasionally.

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