told me to ask mumsnet

[lowdownandout]

One part of me feels awful coming on hear with seemingly trivial relationship problems, when others are facing a terrible time at the moment, so I apologise,
Even so, life goes on and a difficult relationship continues.
We have been trying to make an effort to get on more but underlying problems are still there.
A disagreement and row took place and he said "put it on mumsnet if you like and see what they say"... so I am doing that just now.
Of course, he has already said that if you disagree with him you are all wrong... that's what he always says!
And yes I've been on here before about him and I haven't got any one else to talk to right now. I feel like I cannot bother my friends at this time.
Can you tell me if you think it is ok to use each others bank card to pay for shopping and the like? So for example if you're out and only one of you has a card, do you think nothing of sharing it and using pin number or contactless payment?
This came up again today when I gave one of our adult children my card to go shopping. I told DH and mentioned how he would never let me do that as has happened a few times and recently when we were out. Maybe I shouldn't have said it but it annoys me and makes me feel like he doesnt trust me.
As usual he went on and on saying how it's against the law and such and he isn't going to do it. But he gets so cross and goes on at me.
I said what about trust and we're married and why does it matter?
He has been in a foul mood ever since and he takes offence so easily when I try to talk things through.
I'm tired of it all. I know other partners are different and I wish he could just relax about some of this stuff.
What are your views on this?
Am I wrong to think it's ok to do this?

Separate accounts here - although we’re going to be combining soon due to some changes in circumstances.

DH is a little more wary about stuff like this than me I have to say, and I’ve historically been dreadful with money and got into debt - since being with him though I’ve worked hard to change that and payed all debts off and absolutely wouldn’t go down that road again.

I can think of the odd time we’ve used each other’s card, I think I got him to get cash out for me once or twice when I had a broken foot a few years back, and the odd time I’ve been ordering/ sorting something online that he was paying for and he’s handed me his card to do so (eg the new tv account is in my name but he wanted to pay for am extra sports pass or something) but beyond that there’s no real need for us to do it. If we were shopping and one of us didn’t have a card the other would just pay. If he needed something from the shops I’d just get it/pay and vice versa. Depending on what it was we’d either settle up later or just leave it because it’s all the same thing in the end anyway.

The issue is him cheating and your unhappiness though. If my DH was adamant he didn’t want me to use his card ever for any reason I’d just think ‘fair enough’ because the rest of the relationship is good and he’s entitled to his boundaries. But in the context of general unhappiness, lack of trust, lack of respect etc it becomes a bigger thing.

'Issue of trust and maybe power and control'

He has a perfect right to have power and control over his own account- that is not controlling as it's something of his you don't have an automatic right to.

If you're being financially abused i.e given very little money then that's different.

It is against the agreement with your bank to give people your PIN number. Also to let others use the card but I do it all the time with my husband. However if he got challenged by a cashier they are in their right not to allow him to use the card, he clearly isn’t Mrs Sparklingplasters, this would cause a bit of a scene.

my four kids know my pin number. my boyfriend and i know one another’s

Joint account here so share every thing. We live rurally but my kids use my card for online purchases and know my passwords etc. Occasionally they've used it contactless at the local, so under £30. I have no problem with it.

Thanks for all your responses.
To clarify....
He actually is quite generous with money. His account is more for bills and mine is more shopping. He keeps track of it all better than me. I appreciate sorting the accounts.
We aren't working anymore so the money us more from pensions and savings.
However it is more about his attitude and the way he speaks to me which is my concern and some if you have picked up on this.
Of course technically it is not advised to share cards but as many of you have said it goes on. And to me that's where the trust and respect comes in.
On the whole I use my own card but the occasional time a situation occurs when I've asked him. Sometimes when we are out and want to pop in a shop and I haven't brought my bag. Also, when I had lost my card and had no way to pay.
I gave my daughter the card the other day to make a small contactless payment for food shopping. I stayed in car rather than us both go in ( for to current advice etc)
He is so strict about some rules and it makes me feel like he doesn't trust me. He just won't budge ever and he is like this in other scenarios.
And like one of you said it is part of other things going on and that's why it bothers me.

My ex convinced me that I wasn’t good with finances. I believed him and left it all to him.
It suited him until he lost it all, stopped paying bills etc and I only found out when tidying up and he had carelessly left a letter detailing debts out.
From then I got good with money quite quickly! I left him and as a single parent student I had to be good at budgeting.
I remarried but am now in control of my own finances. I’ve had to learn that DH isn’t like Ex. That’s been a struggle to trust someone.

Don’t be like me.

Dh, DC and I do use each other’s cards occasionally. I trust them.

Does it bother you that your daughter is seeing this both dysfunctional and abusive model of a relationship?. A relationship which she could well go onto emulate herself as an adult.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?

It’s his way or no way as far as he is concerned. He hates you and in fact he hates all women.

What will it take for you to finally say no more to this sham of a marriage?.

We have separate accounts but we know each others pins and have used each others cards on occasion. I have also given my dc my card to buy stuff a few times. No biggie.

It’s a non-issue in your farce of a marriage. Put your focus on improving your life.

If it were in the first decade or whatever it wouldn't be the same, but it is a bit weird after 30 years.

@MrsMoastyToasty we're aware of the law regarding the use of cards.......I wouldn't give my pin to anyone would I would give it to my husband/kids because I'm certain they'd never steal from me.....even if they did, I'd never admit to giving my pin out.

It's not surprising you are anxious. He has form for cheating and he has a temper. I'd want more for myself than this.

Would you consider counselling for yourself?

In 30 years he has never allowed you to use his card or borrowed yours?! That's fucked up.

DH and I have different pay days and often just pop out for a walk and end up in a shops so common for one of us not to have their card on them. I wouldn't think twice about giving him my card for use. I chose to spend my life with him, why wouldn't I lend him my card?