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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

told me to ask mumsnet

66 replies

lowdownandout · 03/04/2020 23:48

One part of me feels awful coming on hear with seemingly trivial relationship problems, when others are facing a terrible time at the moment, so I apologise,
Even so, life goes on and a difficult relationship continues.
We have been trying to make an effort to get on more but underlying problems are still there.
A disagreement and row took place and he said "put it on mumsnet if you like and see what they say"... so I am doing that just now.
Of course, he has already said that if you disagree with him you are all wrong... that's what he always says!
And yes I've been on here before about him and I haven't got any one else to talk to right now. I feel like I cannot bother my friends at this time.
Can you tell me if you think it is ok to use each others bank card to pay for shopping and the like? So for example if you're out and only one of you has a card, do you think nothing of sharing it and using pin number or contactless payment?
This came up again today when I gave one of our adult children my card to go shopping. I told DH and mentioned how he would never let me do that as has happened a few times and recently when we were out. Maybe I shouldn't have said it but it annoys me and makes me feel like he doesnt trust me.
As usual he went on and on saying how it's against the law and such and he isn't going to do it. But he gets so cross and goes on at me.
I said what about trust and we're married and why does it matter?
He has been in a foul mood ever since and he takes offence so easily when I try to talk things through.
I'm tired of it all. I know other partners are different and I wish he could just relax about some of this stuff.
What are your views on this?
Am I wrong to think it's ok to do this?

OP posts:

MrsMoastyToasty · 04/04/2020 09:29

No you should not give your card and PIN to anyone else. If your card is lost or stolen and your bank finds out that you had given it to someone else they won't reeimburse you.
As a former bank employee I've been in the position where I've had to tell a customer that we wouldn't cover the fraudulent transactions because they had given the card to someone else.

penisbeakers · 04/04/2020 09:40

Umm

Frankly - I don't know why you are still with him. The card is the least of your worries. Dump him and he free of the arsehole.

Beerincomechampagnetastes · 04/04/2020 09:46

You have much bigger problems than your bank card op.
He manages all the bills and accounts and I am not very good at all that.
He’s done a proper number on you hasn’t he?
You can do so much better.

Chinks123 · 04/04/2020 09:48

Dp borrows my card sometimes if he’s nipping to the shop for something and can’t find his (all the time) he can never remember the pin though. I trust him and most of the money in my account is from his wage to be fair.

Card aside he sounds horrible op. You shouldn’t have to tread on eggshells constantly just so he doesn’t get angry. I’d honestly get rid.

VettiyaIruken · 04/04/2020 09:51

It doesn't matter what we say. We are women and it is crystal clear he has nothing but contempt for women.

Put it on a male dominated forum so he can worship the words of the mighty cocks.

Or make plans to get the fuck away from him.

To answer your question, yes, we share. All money is our money jointly.

iano · 04/04/2020 09:56

You need to 'get good with your money' op! It's a skill that you can and must learn. Ask for help on here if needs be. Make sure you know the family income and what bills are being paid out.
What if he leaves you and takes all the money leaving you with the bills? You must do this to protect yourself. Never mind the bank card (yes we have shared) you need to take back control.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/04/2020 09:57

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You have far more worrying problems than just mere bank cards (which remain the property of the bank. You should never hand over your bank card to another family member). Why did your adult child need your card to go shopping and why did you willingly hand over such?. Thinking about everyone else's needs has put you well at the bottom of your own pile, were you yourself taught to be a people pleaser and or otherwise put your own self last?.

Re your comment:-

"I have tried to forgive him and keep hoping".

Why have you done this?. Where has that got you?. What has that achieved for you apart from making you a nervous wreck. And keep hoping for what; that he will somehow say sorry and be a better man. Hope is your enemy here re him because there is none. He is abusive towards you and has remained so your entire marriage. There is nothing to rescue and or save here and such men hate women, all of them.

How does the word divorce sound to you?. Have you ever considered divorcing him.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

BertiesLanding · 04/04/2020 10:09

This is not about a bank card. You know what to do: leave as soon as possible.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 04/04/2020 10:14

No its not ok. If there is any problem on your account or fraud, and the bank get wind of yoy sharing a card, they will not support your claim. If you are unsurem ask your bank!

crochetandshit · 04/04/2020 10:30

He doesn't want you to know what comes out of his account...

AgentJohnson · 04/04/2020 10:30

This is not about a bank card. You know what to do: leave as soon as possible.

This just another distraction.

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 04/04/2020 10:43

Stop relying on him to do all the adulting. Like others have said take back control and educate yourself about household management and finances. It's not hard and you would be good at it. He's got you exactly where he wants you, dependent on him. If you don't work, look for a job when all this is over and make some serious changes to your life. You don't have to stay in an unfulfilling relationship. Or if you choose to you don't have to play the role of helpless wife who doesn't understand perfectly understandable things about money in and money out.

ofwarren · 04/04/2020 10:45

I share mine with my husband and kids, and he does the same.
I can't see any reason not to if you love and trust the person.

RB68 · 04/04/2020 10:49

Its not against the law as such but is against bank terms and conditions

SpillTheTeaa · 04/04/2020 10:59

Me and DP have separate accounts. I don't want to share an account with someone. We're both capable of splitting finances and taking care of our own accounts.
But I'm we pay for things equally.

Hopoindown31 · 04/04/2020 11:02

I'd do it for DP if required but not anyone else.

UnicornRace · 04/04/2020 11:05

As someone who works for a bank - according to the terms and conditions, you are not allowed to share card/pin - we are supposed to confiscate the card if we come to know you are not using your own.

That said, DH and I use each other’s card all the time
I personally don’t see anything wrong with it, if trust exists in the relationship

Dery · 04/04/2020 11:08

“No you should not give your card and PIN to anyone else. If your card is lost or stolen and your bank finds out that you had given it to someone else they won't reeimburse you”

This.

I completely see how people can feel comfortable with it. However, for me, it’s not about trust between partners but the fact that it breaches the terms and conditions of your card and you could forfeit any protection you might otherwise have had if you are defrauded. Not defrauded by your partner but defrauded by anyone because no-one else is supposed to know your PIN under any circumstances and the bank can use against you the fact that you have shared it with anyone at all. If only one of my husband or I had a card on us, that person would be the one who entered the PIN.

But as other PPs have said, this is a symptom of deeper unhappiness in your relationship. It sounds rather unequal and like your DH has taught you to be dependent on him financially which makes it difficult if you need things and cannot pay for them from your own account. Normally in that situation you would have a joint account but that’s not your situation. However it sounds like your H uses money to control you by creating a situation where you don’t have enough and he decides what gets bought and what doesn’t get bought.

WaterIsWide · 04/04/2020 11:09

This problem sounds quite juvenile. I was surprised to read that you had been married for 30 years.

I'll get an MN lynching for saying this but you're as bad as each other sometimes. Doesn't mean you won't be leaving. But you can't/won't because you and he knows you're not independent enough to stand on your own two feet.

When my DH are out shopping, I pay using my bank card. Or, if the circumstance means that he pays, then he uses his card or cash.

If we go out and I don't have my purse with me I state to him, 'if we need to buy anything, please can you pay because I haven't got my purse with me.'

I've never said, 'my husband will pay' apparently the Queen says this because she never carries cash.

Snog · 04/04/2020 11:12

I would never do this and banks definitely do not allow it. Is it even legal?

OhNoNoNoNotThatOne · 04/04/2020 11:15

Pretty sure using someone else's card is fraud, even with premission?

But then dh gives me his card to go in to petrol stations and pay for fuel while he fills the car up... So to answer your question, pretty sure it's not legally allowed, but personally we do it.

copycopypaste · 04/04/2020 11:18

Myself and dh have separate finances and accounts (we don't have a joint one), but we think nothing of using each other's cards (the other one always knows).

Sounds like you've got bigger things to worry about tho

MitziK · 04/04/2020 11:19

DP uses my card and on occasion, I've used his. But that's been volunteered - had it been demanded, having both previously been with people who saw it as an extension of their personal piggy bank and didn't give a fuck that their sneaky little spends, the twenty quid in the shop followed by a second transaction that wasn't mentioned, the requested hundred out the cash machine immediately followed by a sneaky fifty withdrawn and the receipt 'lost' meant that bills weren't paid, the answer would have been 'No.' and if a strop ensued 'Fuck off'. We've both heard the 'Oh, but you should TRUST ME' spiel.

You are being unreasonable to demand that he does it. He is being perfectly reasonable to say no.

Having said that, if that's how the dynamic in your relationship works, you're probably better off splitting, learning to be a grown up and pay your own bills.

NoMoreDickheads · 04/04/2020 11:19

It's ok if the person is ok with it- I do it for my ex partner (bestie) as he has mobility problems so for instance if he needs anything picking up/paying for I go up with his card sometime. If he/we happen to pay for anything a bit more expensive/shared on his card I can always send some money over to his account later.

But no-one should be emotionally blackmailed with 'don't you trust me?' or whatever. Some people won't want to do it and that's ok.

TeaForDays · 04/04/2020 11:22

What an unpleasant man.

I share one card's pin with my DP but honestly it's pretty rare for one of us to not have their card. I also have Google pay and we both have phones so could transfer cash in an instant via the app.

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