Pregnant as result of an affair

[Troubled39]

Hi everyone, I’m new on this website and I’ve been searching for the most non judgemental website and came across this one. As people are quick to make an opinion I wanted to give a background of my relationship with my husband so you know the whole story, but my husband has cheated on me throughout my relationship with him with numerous girls, and I only found out about it when I was 8 months pregnant with my first. Only god knows what I went through, I was suffering from depression and anxiety because of this, and when I thought it was all over I got pregnant again and 6 months in I found out he was cheating again, my son was born with conditions and even when I was on a downward spiral and trying to get my head around my son’s issues, my husband just kept on going with his affairs, late nights, not coming home, with my cleaner.. it was the worst time of my life, where even though I loved my babies more than anything, I sometimes actually wished I wasn’t alive anymore. Then a months later one day shortly after finding videos of him having sex with a girl I knew, I had enough and I was done with him and no longer cared about him or anything he did, in fact I was happy when he didn’t come home and my one wish was that he would just leave and we could divorce, however due to financial reasons I was putting it off. One of the other reasons I stayed in the relationship was because I always wanted 3 kids it was my dream but I got to a point where I was ready to forget having a 3rd and just have him out of my life. I am getting older and by the time I meet someone it might be too late so it was either with him or not at all.

Anyway after I found the videos I started to rebel and going out a bit more and I met this guy who fell in love with me and is obsessed with me, he made me feel like the most beautiful sexiest person and always so truthful and honest, all things I never had with my husband. All these years I stayed faithful and honest because I knew I wasn’t like him but then one day something switched and now I’m no different than him. We are in the process of separating and I’ve just found out I’m pregnant. I had sex with my husband 1 time after months, but I’m 90% sure it’s my boyfriends because of the dates. I am 5 weeks and thinking Of having an abortion. It will kill me to do this as there is nothing I want more and after years of trying I finally fall pregnant but if I tell my husband it’s not his even if we are separating and estranged for months before, he is Middle Eastern and I know it will become a huge thing, probably even dangerous for me, shame on the family etc. But the thought of keeping my mouth shut and pretending it’s his sends chills down my spine every time I think about it. On one hand I’m so extremely happy and grateful to be pregnant but on the other hand I feel like I’m trapped in between a rock and a hard place and heartache whatever decision I make! I can’t tell anyone I just don’t know what to do :(

I wouldn't tell him anything get divorced, do DNA tests and them tell him if baby is his... You want the baby, you are happy, congratulations xx

I would not make a decision about the pregnancy based on your relationship with either of these men. I would seek support from friends and family if you have any and ask them for help while you walk away from your marriage. Practically it will be hard financially if your going to be doing it alone but, you have always given up so much of yourself for a man who betrays you. Don’t end the pregnancy because of him he is not worth it. Focus on what you want and find a practical way of getting it. I wouldn’t tell your husband about the pregnancy if your in the process of moving out of the marital home.

Thank you both. I was hoping I could hide the pregnancy at least until he moves out but that’s been delayed now due to the virus outbreak. Although currently he’s living out because my youngest is high risk. I am ready to do this alone because to be honest I have practically been a single mum up till now anyway. I just always prided myself on my honesty and then all of a sudden to come out with the lie and deceit of the century. But maybe you are right I should start off speaking to someone, they would all agree on him getting what he deserves but I’m not about being spiteful or revengeful. It’s just all such bad timing

I don’t see the problem if you are divorcing him anyway? I just think you should hide the pregnancy as best you can whilst you still live together in case he gets nasty. When’s he moving out?

What country are you residing in?

The problem for him would be that we are still married - he always said it doesn’t matter what he has done but if I did anything I would be dead. Not sure if it was just an empty threat to scare me but can I risk it? We are waiting for our other property to become vacant so he can move in there. We live in UK

So he’s threatened to kill you or harm you? That’s obviously not justifiable regardless. You are in an unsafe situation, one of you needs to move out immediately. You should think about contacting the police regarding his “honour” threats, and absolutely call 999 if you’re at risk of violence

I’m Middle Eastern so know what you mean. Man sounds like a player and a waste of space that has no issue hurting you and generally has no respect for the family. Wouldn’t abort because of him, just divorce him and hide the pregnancy if he figures out while your separating that your pregnant he could get violent hurt you and the baby and his jealousy will prevent him from leaving so you’ll be trapped even longer.

He’s not violent towards me but he has a very bad temper and not sure what he’s capable of. This is why I’m considering an abortion. I just don’t know if its going to be too much negativity around this child?

Regarding him saying you would be dead I’d take that seriously these men are very jealous and possessive. They can do the dirty on their wives and it’s totally acceptable but for the wife to do something remotely similar is unacceptable. Focus on yourself your children bin him. Is there anyone who can bring and take the children to him so you can avoid any contact with him

After he leaves. I wouldn’t abort, I’m sure after he leaves he will have plenty more other children with several other women. It will haunt you if you abort over this man would just make arrangements to reduce contact he can’t control your ovaries forever he is divorcing you after all

He isn’t violent towards you yet. His behaviour will be unpredictable if he finds out you had the audacity (sarcasm) to sleep with someone else and that you’re now pregnant. You need to protect your children (inc unborn) from him.

Even if you tell him the baby is his, he may add dates up and become suspicious himself. Especially as he already commented about you being dead if you did anything, so the thought of you dating others has already crossed his mind. The baby might not look like him etc. You will never be free.

Abortion is a personal choice, but I don’t think you should do it just because of your ex who isn’t the child’s father

Keep the baby and divorce the bastard! Get him out of the house and do what’s right for you and your children. Some Asian men never change and he sounds like the typical hypocrite.

Thank you everyone. If nothing this talk has made me not feel as guilty. I am going to start divorce proceedings ASAP and hopefully that will hurry his moving out process. Unfortunately because of this bloody lockdown I can’t lie that I had sex with someone later and mess around with the dates a bit so it doesnt look as bad.

Name Change fail, op?

I would check your name change - it’s clear you’ve changed it! Do what is right for you -
Confide in someone you can trust, although I know that may be difficult. Take care of yourself and your children.

Think very carefully here because the truth may come out eventually. If you have this baby, and if this baby is a spitting image of your boyfriend, you and your baby could come into great harm. Having a baby under your circumstances is very risky. I'm not particularly pro abortion, and I would hate to have one, but if I was in your situation I would definitely consider it.

Yes he is a hypocrite and much worse @remembertosmile1980

Yes I changed my name Im paranoid someone I know might read this. Didn’t realise it wouldn’t change in the original post

@RememberToSmile1980. What's being Asian to do with it. I find men of all colour and Creeds to have double standards. They can do what the fuck they like but they want their wife to be pious in the day and a slag in bed.

I only said Asian as OP made reference to him being Middle Eastern! But yes I agree when they’re cheating scum bags they come in all shapes, sizes and colours!

Keep your baby if you want to, and see how you feel about everything when the baby is here.

It boils down to

You are pregnant
You dont know who the father is .

What will you do?

Keep the baby and get rid of this arsehole asap. It’s none of his business who you’re shagging or whose baby you’re carrying at this point, and he created that situation, not you.

Thanks everyone 🙏🏼