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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pregnant as result of an affair

58 replies

Troubled39 · 03/04/2020 23:34

Hi everyone, I’m new on this website and I’ve been searching for the most non judgemental website and came across this one. As people are quick to make an opinion I wanted to give a background of my relationship with my husband so you know the whole story, but my husband has cheated on me throughout my relationship with him with numerous girls, and I only found out about it when I was 8 months pregnant with my first. Only god knows what I went through, I was suffering from depression and anxiety because of this, and when I thought it was all over I got pregnant again and 6 months in I found out he was cheating again, my son was born with conditions and even when I was on a downward spiral and trying to get my head around my son’s issues, my husband just kept on going with his affairs, late nights, not coming home, with my cleaner.. it was the worst time of my life, where even though I loved my babies more than anything, I sometimes actually wished I wasn’t alive anymore. Then a months later one day shortly after finding videos of him having sex with a girl I knew, I had enough and I was done with him and no longer cared about him or anything he did, in fact I was happy when he didn’t come home and my one wish was that he would just leave and we could divorce, however due to financial reasons I was putting it off. One of the other reasons I stayed in the relationship was because I always wanted 3 kids it was my dream but I got to a point where I was ready to forget having a 3rd and just have him out of my life. I am getting older and by the time I meet someone it might be too late so it was either with him or not at all.

Anyway after I found the videos I started to rebel and going out a bit more and I met this guy who fell in love with me and is obsessed with me, he made me feel like the most beautiful sexiest person and always so truthful and honest, all things I never had with my husband. All these years I stayed faithful and honest because I knew I wasn’t like him but then one day something switched and now I’m no different than him. We are in the process of separating and I’ve just found out I’m pregnant. I had sex with my husband 1 time after months, but I’m 90% sure it’s my boyfriends because of the dates. I am 5 weeks and thinking Of having an abortion. It will kill me to do this as there is nothing I want more and after years of trying I finally fall pregnant but if I tell my husband it’s not his even if we are separating and estranged for months before, he is Middle Eastern and I know it will become a huge thing, probably even dangerous for me, shame on the family etc. But the thought of keeping my mouth shut and pretending it’s his sends chills down my spine every time I think about it. On one hand I’m so extremely happy and grateful to be pregnant but on the other hand I feel like I’m trapped in between a rock and a hard place and heartache whatever decision I make! I can’t tell anyone I just don’t know what to do :(

OP posts:
Haffdonga · 04/04/2020 15:00

Really tough situation. Here are some things to consider:
Do you have family support around to help you manage as a single parent to 3 including your dc with additional needs?
How involved would your exh want to be with his 2 dc after divorce? Will he be the controlling sort who demands lots of unreasonable access to his dc without offering any support or will he just disappear?
Does the potential ONS father know about the pregnancy and what kind of support could he be to the baby? (Does he seem a decent person who would help financially and want to be involved?)
If you believe that your ex is a genuine threat to your/ your dcs' safety can you log some of his abusive behaviour with police now, so that if you need to take legal action against him in the future you have a paper trail of evidence?
Would having this new baby sibling now make a better family life in the long run for you and your 2 existing dcs or not?

I have no answers for you but I am scared for your safety.

Musti · 04/04/2020 15:04

I actually think.you should consider an abortion. Being pregnant, regardless of whose it is, will make your life a lot harder in every way. I think it's more important for you and your existing kids, to be as strong as possible when splitting from such a man and starting a new life.

Healthyandhappy · 04/04/2020 19:21

3 kids no money are u gonna be on benefits u get nothing for 3rd are u working? I would get rid and have a life spend time with kids etc

strawberry2017 · 04/04/2020 19:32

I think there are a lot of things that need sorting out first before adding another child to the mix.

Healthyandhappy · 04/04/2020 20:05

Also a dream of having 3 children. ? I think u need to find you hve holidays and maybe go to uni or college. Men ain't everything their all the same.

Original poster
Troubled39 · 04/04/2020 23:33

@Healthyandhappy Thanks for your comment but remember everyone has different dreams, and yes since I remember I always wanted at least 3 I want a big family and happy to do it alone but that’s not the point of my post.

OP posts:
Original poster
Troubled39 · 04/04/2020 23:35

@Healthyandhappy also I don’t think I mentioned ‘no money’, my ex is actually financially very comfortable and one of his good traits is he’s very generous, of course I won’t be as well off as I am now but I wont be broke.

OP posts:
APageInTime · 04/04/2020 23:56

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APageInTime · 04/04/2020 23:57

my ex is actually financially very comfortable and one of his good traits is he’s very generous, of course I won’t be as well off as I am now but I wont be broke.

Maybe he will take you to the cleaners via divorce and leave you in the ditch you earned.

Original poster
Troubled39 · 05/04/2020 00:15

@APageInTime wow so angry and aggressive! I actually don’t even know how to respond to that and where to start but either read my original post or don’t comment when you don’t know the full story.

All these people have been so positive and kind trying to help me and you come out with that? I feel sorry that you have such a bad view on the world you must have been left in a ditch a few times yourself to be such an ugly and negative human being.

OP posts:
ahsan · 05/04/2020 01:10

Just ignore her troubled she honestly doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Loyalty equals loyalty. Keep the baby be happy move on

Wisteriacottage · 05/04/2020 01:28

Actually, Troubled, you have the best of both worlds so you just have to say nothing, get divorced, have your baby and a new life awaits.

I do believe your future will be ok with three and happier without him. So good luck!

ineedaholidaynow · 05/04/2020 01:57

Will he be so financially generous if he finds out you have had a child with someone else?

Mulanlin · 05/04/2020 02:01

I’ve been searching for the most non judgemental website and came across this one

This is how I knew the story was fake.

SimplePotion · 05/04/2020 02:52

This is how I knew the story was fake.

Haha.

Personally I just love the inconsistencies on these threads with this site. If this was a man saying his affair partner was pregnant he'd be ripped to shreds for being a cheat etc and his poor wife etc. But as it's a woman who had an affair she gets the opposite. Always an interesting read.

Original poster
Troubled39 · 05/04/2020 06:58

Thank you to everyone who have been kind in your responses and made me feel so much less guilty I really have some thinking to do, I thought it was possible to get some negative comments but really didn’t realise some people would be so nasty about other people’s lives and choices. I guess they are everywhere on every website. I am going to come off this site now to avoid getting more upset but thank you again to those that took the time to actually give advice and show concern. Wish you all well and keep safe 🙏🏼

OP posts:
Original poster
Troubled39 · 05/04/2020 07:02

@SimplePotion that is actually not the case I’ve seen threads where woman is ripped to shreds also because of having an affair. Unlike you, most of the people who you think are being too kind and forgiving towards me actually read my full story on my first post; maybe you could do the same next time before judging or commenting.

OP posts:
SimplePotion · 05/04/2020 07:12

This reply has been deleted

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VikVal81 · 05/04/2020 09:45

As someone of Arab parentage, please choose Middle Eastern men carefully!!! Some are great, but there are many cultural aspects that can turn a relationship with them in to a nightmare if you don't understand those cultural aspects that many men live by from the region. Don't terminate the baby, just hide it from him and divorce if you can but that's what I would do. Do you live in UK? Obviously my advice will be a lot different if you're in the Middle East!!! In that respect, say nothing to anyone!

madcatladyforever · 05/04/2020 09:50

You can't see the wood for the trees OP.

Step one: Divorce this utter loser.

Step 2; decide whether or not you want this child and act accordingly.

Job done.

And don't lie to him about paternity, he will find out eventually, DNA tests are incredibly easy and you can be sued if he's paid maintenance for a child that isn't his.

IWantT0BreakFree · 05/04/2020 10:04

If this was a man saying his affair partner was pregnant he'd be ripped to shreds for being a cheat etc and his poor wife etc. But as it's a woman who had an affair she gets the opposite. Always an interesting read.

I've never seen a thread where a man has been cheated on constantly throughout his entire marriage, including at very vulnerable times (men can't get pregnant so there isn't really a comparison to draw), is told that he will be killed if he ever does the same to her, eventually has an affair with someone who loves him and gets his affair partner pregnant. If you've seen a story from a male OP that's genuinely similar to this one (although it would be impossible really because a lot of OP's issues stem from her husband's misogyny, her being somewhat financially dependant upon him which tends to be the case for the childbearing I.e. female partner more often than a male partner etc) then I'd be interested to see what people's responses were. Largely the same as OP is getting I would imagine.

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 05/04/2020 10:44

Maybe he will take you to the cleaners via divorce and leave you in the ditch you earned.

What the fuck? One of thebshittiest things I think I've ever read on here.

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 05/04/2020 10:46

I think people underestimate how long a divorce can take. It's unlikely you will have time to get divorced and then decide whether to keep the baby op. You can start divorce proceedings, but it can take a while and cost a lot.

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 05/04/2020 10:47

Personally I just love the inconsistencies on these threads with this site. If this was a man saying his affair partner was pregnant he'd be ripped to shreds for being a cheat etc and his poor wife etc. But as it's a woman who had an affair she gets the opposite. Always an interesting read.

Did you read any of it, or are you too simple to understand?

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 05/04/2020 10:49

Some people are always so desperate to scream troll at everyone. Can't just give someone the benifit of the doubt. The op may be a troll, but maybe not. Wouldn't it be better to give actual advice or support rather than bitchy comments?