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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to deal with partners affair during lockdown

78 replies

Fierywhenhot · 03/04/2020 22:49

Hiya,
This is my 1st post and I really need some advice so please be kind.

So, I have been with my partner for over 12 years. 3 years in, we had a break and I regrettably started a short relationship with someone else. We got back together and life was good.... or so I thought!
Something didn't feel right so I checked his phone and there were messages from another woman!! I confronted him and he eventually confessed they had been having an affair for around 5 months and had slept together "a few times".
She's married with a toddler. He was their plumber and pushed together by his boss- whom himself has affairs with married women. Obviously I am absolutely broken and torn to pieces but I really dont want to give up on our family just yet, and still love him. I just still have so much anger, mainly towards that slag and his boss. I feel like a way to help me get past it is by hurting her like she has me!! I have a message in my drafts ready to send to her husband (who supposedly knows) with juicy info. Do you think it's a good idea? Has anyone had a similar situation and stayed with their partner after an affair? Now I'm stuck with him during this lockdown.
I have a child from previous relationship and we have one together.

OP posts:
Lucyccfc68 · 03/04/2020 23:00

Your DH makes his own choices in life and your anger should be directed at him for being a slag. He's a grown man and he chose to have an affair - not because his Boss encouraged him or told him to.

Sending the OW a 'message' won't remove your anger. That needs to be directed at the one person who should have been faithful to you and chose not to be,

CakeAndGin · 03/04/2020 23:01

Your partner’s boss and the other woman didn’t make him cheat. He cheated. Your anger is directed at the wrong people. Neither of those people made a commitment to you, your partner did.

Did the affair happen recently? Or did you find out about it recently? I always feel that when the other person in an affair says that their partner knows, they actually don’t. The affair partner just throws that out to stop the damage to their own life and therefore their partner should know. However, it sounds like you are only interested in that from a revenge point of view, rather than because you feel her husband should know because it’s a horrible thing for him. If that’s the case, you shouldn’t send the message.

As for staying with him (yes, you’re in lockdown and stuck for the time being, although it would probably count as essential) but you don’t have to stay with him indefinitely. What has he done to show you he’s sorry, to rebuild your trust in him and to make you feel safe - e.g access to his social media/phone, seeking counselling?

CakeAndGin · 03/04/2020 23:02

Also, side note, are we really still calling women ‘slags’ in 2020?

AvoidingRealHumans · 03/04/2020 23:08

You say you're mainly angry with the other woman and your husband's boss.
You need to rethink this as the only person in this who owed you any loyalty, respect and love was your husband. The only person who chose to do this was your husband.
It's hard to accept and easy to blame everyone else but ultimately your husband betrayed you and you need to come to terms with it and decide whether the love you have for him is enough to forgive and forget because that's what you'll need to do to completely move forward.

You can message the other husband with 'juicy details' if you want but it isn't coming from a good place, you want to hurt him because you are hurting.

CalleighDoodle · 03/04/2020 23:16

You want a picture perfect family, so you are misdirecting your anger.

Your husband is a cheat. He has shown he has no respect for you as he thinks it doesnt matter if he cheats, you wont leave.

That’s fine. If you dont want to leave, you dont have to leave. But be serious, it is your husband who has done wrong to you here.

Start being angry with him. Or let it go.

Heartburn888 · 03/04/2020 23:22

He made the decision to do it not just her and the boss. What’s to say that he told her he was single?

I wouldn’t blow the lid off things just yet whilst in lockdown you’ll make your own life miserable and barely be able to get away from him unless you’re going to the supermarket

Elieza · 03/04/2020 23:36

You don’t know what he told the woman. She may be lovely and thought he was single.

Don’t blame her. Blame your dick husband and his dick. The boss is an arse but the decision was your husbands.

I wouldnt do anything. You would be taking your anger at him out on her. If it wasn’t her it would have been someone else. Why exactly do you want to stay with him?

Oceanblueeyes21 · 03/04/2020 23:58

As much as I would want to rip her head off I don’t think sending any texts is the best way to go!

I am really interested to hear what your husband has said about all of this. Is the affair still on-going? Does he love her? Does he still love you? Why did he cheat on you in the first place? Did he feel like you were not giving him something which she could?

I think you need to know where he stands. What does he want? If you find answers to these questions you can then decide whether you want to work on the marriage or not. Is he prepared to cut contact with her?

To make your marriage work, he needs to be regretful of these mistakes and see them as just that. If he is pining for her then whether you stay or go, those feelings he has won’t just go away and it will be a lot to handle and many decisions to make but if it was me I would not let her win! I would fight for my man! Even if he is an asshole, he would be my asshole! Not hers!!!

SandyY2K · 04/04/2020 00:44

If a grown fully functioning (married) man is 'pushed' into an affair, you need to ask what happens the next time it happens.

Why are you blaming everyone else but him?

minipie · 04/04/2020 01:28

Yeah I’m sure your partner’s boss held him down while that evil slag had her wicked way with him.

Or, he chose to cheat on you rather than walk away.

By all means choose to stay with him if you want but don’t convince yourself he was somehow forced into this and isn’t the bad one here. You know that’s bullshit.

I would start thinking about what your options are for the post lockdown period and think very carefully about what he chose to do to you.

Laurenxx12 · 04/04/2020 01:31

I always regretted not telling the OW's husband. Friends advised me not to, to 'be the bigger person' and 'rise above it' but you know what, it still pisses me off to this day that she got off scott free! My life, and my children's was ripped apart. Even my ex suffered, he no longer lived with his children and our relationship was over (suddenly decided how much he loved me once he was busted). She went back to her husband and carried on as normal.

Windmillwhirl · 04/04/2020 04:43

You are blaming everyone but the true culprit. Get real. Your husband is a dirty cheat. Face facts and see how you feel about him then.

Waimaz · 04/04/2020 04:44

Yes defo send! Id want to know

Cambionome · 04/04/2020 07:07

It's your husband you should be calling a "slag" not the other woman. Hmm

Mummytoonlychild · 04/04/2020 08:28

Yes what the ow did was appalling but dont be blaming her like you are. She didn't force him to have sex with her and as they say it takes 2 to tango. Your husband is a cheater and that is on him not just her

FlowerArranger · 04/04/2020 08:34

First, never, ever - and I mean NEVER - call another woman a slag. Just don't.

Secondly, this is unlikely to be his first rodeo. His reaction to your finding out suggests that having affairs comes easy to him.

Third, decide what you want to do. Be aware that most people find it very difficult to get over betrayal - sometimes after having tried, desperately, for several years. And beware of hysterical bonding (Google it), because it never lasts. The breaching of trust will eat away at you, and you'll be forever hypervigilant, watching out for signs of cheating. So really, really think whether you want to give him another chance.

Read Chumlady to start with, and go from there.

FlowerArranger · 04/04/2020 08:35

Chumplady !!!

RantyAnty · 04/04/2020 08:41

This happened 9 years ago?

Either you can accept what has happened or you can't.
If you plan to stay with him, then you have to let it all go. Writing to the OW and all that doesn't make a bit of difference does it.
You've decided to stay with him.

If you can't forgive and accept what he's done, then split up. Then you won't be dragging this anchor around with you forever.

He's a liar and a cheat. That's all you need to know. Either you accept that or you don't and leave.

Babooshkar · 04/04/2020 08:49

Wake up OP..

It’s your husband who you should be angry at.. No doubt he’s laughing away to himself at how he’s got you practically fighting over him with OW.

Veterinari · 04/04/2020 09:02

Well you sound lovely.

Your husband is the cheating arsehole so be angry at him - his boss and the OW didn't force him to sleep with someone else. He CHOSE to have regular sex over a period of 5 months with another woman - be angry at him, not her.

Also sort your language out - calling her a slag just makes you look unpleasant

Peignoir · 04/04/2020 09:11

Hate to break it to you, but your husband and his friend are slags. She didn't force him into bed.

AgentJohnson · 04/04/2020 09:11

I just still have so much anger, mainly towards that slag and his boss.

It’s called transference. Your anger is directed at others because you choose to be in denial about your H’s culpability. That way you can stay with him because essentially he’s a victim too.

He did this! No one forced his penis into this woman. He repeatedly made decisions that prioritised his selfish wants.

Stay if you want but denial about the gravity of his behaviour won’t bring long term comfort.

SudokuQueen · 04/04/2020 09:24

I'm not sure I get when he cheated. Did he sleep with her during your break, when you also slept with someone else? I'm not sure what the point was in divulging that information otherwise, it's not relevant. Confused

If this is in the last 5 months, then yeah he cheated. If it was years ago during your break, you've got no leg to stand on, you did the same. He just kept it quiet.

justincase1 · 04/04/2020 09:43

So sorry for the position that you say that you are in. But you start off saying you also had a bit of a fling, what was the difference . Did he forgive you ?? .I think you need to bite the bullet and move on or move out..

CandyLeBonBon · 04/04/2020 09:46

Ugh. Slag. Nasty word.
Your husband is the problem.

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