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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to deal with partners affair during lockdown

78 replies

Fierywhenhot · 03/04/2020 22:49

Hiya,
This is my 1st post and I really need some advice so please be kind.

So, I have been with my partner for over 12 years. 3 years in, we had a break and I regrettably started a short relationship with someone else. We got back together and life was good.... or so I thought!
Something didn't feel right so I checked his phone and there were messages from another woman!! I confronted him and he eventually confessed they had been having an affair for around 5 months and had slept together "a few times".
She's married with a toddler. He was their plumber and pushed together by his boss- whom himself has affairs with married women. Obviously I am absolutely broken and torn to pieces but I really dont want to give up on our family just yet, and still love him. I just still have so much anger, mainly towards that slag and his boss. I feel like a way to help me get past it is by hurting her like she has me!! I have a message in my drafts ready to send to her husband (who supposedly knows) with juicy info. Do you think it's a good idea? Has anyone had a similar situation and stayed with their partner after an affair? Now I'm stuck with him during this lockdown.
I have a child from previous relationship and we have one together.

OP posts:

APageInTime · 04/04/2020 09:47

I feel like a way to help me get past it is by hurting her like she has me!! I have a message in my drafts ready to send to her husband (who supposedly knows) with juicy info. Do you think it's a good idea?

No I wouldn't do this. I completely get it though. All three played a part. Sure he is the one who cheated on you but I'd also be angry at all three for the part they played. Wanting revenge is only natural but she will get hers, they usually do.

Has anyone had a similar situation and stayed with their partner after an affair?

Many have but it's never the same and rarely ever better. Trust is gone, it will always pop into your head at random times. It can't be undone so to speak.

APageInTime · 04/04/2020 09:49

Slag. Nasty word.

Sure is, nasty word for a nasty woman who deserves it. If she knew he was married then she has some responsibility in it and lives up to the name. But yes, he is the one that cheated and the OP should deal with him. Doesn't mean her feelings towards anyone else involved should be dismissed. Anyone who knowingly has an affair with a married person is not a decent person.

Ughmaybenot · 04/04/2020 09:54

Okay, I’m a little confused on the timeline, can you please confirm when his affair actually happened, was found out etc?
You’re misdirecting your anger. A man who didn’t want to have an affair could not be pushed, pulled nor lured into an affair against his will. This isn’t his boss’s fault, this isn’t the OWs fault, it is your husbands fault. He’s the one you should be angry with, if you’re angry at anyone.
Realistically you need to decide if you can live with this or not, but it’s not practical to move forward with your life holding on to this much anger. A way through that should be your priority, whether that’s with your husband or without him.
Also, while the OW didn’t behave well, slag? Really?

Bluntness100 · 04/04/2020 10:00

I just still have so much anger, mainly towards that slag and his boss

Why are you angry at them? They didn’t make him cheat. He did that because he wanted to, it was all his own decision.

Are you doing the thing of being angry at them and not him because if you blamed him you’d not be able to stay in your marriage ?

I’m sure you don’t really think his boss made him do it, or that he was powerless against this woman’s charms and she led him astray. I’m sure you know he proactively went there.

Bluntness100 · 04/04/2020 10:06

Anyone who knowingly has an affair with a married person is not a decent person

Bit simplistic don’t you think?
You’ve no idea what he told her, that his marriage was over, that they were just living together out of convenience, all the usual shite.

It’s a rare woman who will have an affair with a man who says.” I love my wife and really fancy her, fancy an affair”

As you’ve no idea what he told her, then slinging insults isn’t ok. The person who cheated on the op is her husband. That’s the only fact you have.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 04/04/2020 10:06

You are making yourself sound pathetic. Using the word "slag" loses you any sympathy. Your partner is a slag.

GilbertMarkham · 04/04/2020 10:11

He was their plumber and pushed together by his boss

I don't know about you but I don't often find myself having sex with people I was "pushed together with" by another party - if I didn't want to have sex with someone, no amount of "pushing together" by someone else would cause me to find myself having sexual intercourse with them. It would be "not interested mate", "forget about it", "give it up FFS", "shag him/her yourself if you think they're all that".. etc etc. And I can safely say the vast majority of people are similar. They don't have sex with people they don't want to because someone else suggested it.

So for a start stop blaming your dp's boss (or letting him blame his boss) for him getting involved with her and having sex with her.

GilbertMarkham · 04/04/2020 10:13

Anyone who knowingly has an affair with a married person is not a decent person

But didn't you say she's married? So your do/DH is, by that rationale, not a decent person.

Rosiejim · 04/04/2020 10:14

If his boss forced him to have sex with someone at work then he had grounds for a court case.

Your anger is misdirected. Your partner cheated on you. Can you trust him again?

Please don’t call women slags

GilbertMarkham · 04/04/2020 10:16

"that slag"

But she hasn't done anything your dp hasnt done too.

They've both cheated on their partners while in long-term, serious relationships ..
So if she's a slag, he is too.

stripesareforlife · 04/04/2020 10:17

Why do you believe his boss made him have an affair, absolute bollocks. He was thinking with his cock and no one made him do anything. Only you know if it's something you can get over.

mypoorfurbaby · 04/04/2020 10:44

Op
Head over to survivinginfidelity website.
It is really helpful.

You have every right to be angry at the OW but ultimately she is nothing to you.

APageInTime · 04/04/2020 10:51

Bit simplistic don’t you think?

Nope. Everyone is free and entitled to their own opinion.

But didn't you say she's married? So your do/DH is, by that rationale, not a decent person.

I am not the OP. But if she had an affair with him knowing he was married then she isn't a decent person.

Pentium85 · 04/04/2020 12:25

Absolutely no sympathy OP.
You clearly have very little respect for yourself.

strawberry2017 · 04/04/2020 12:45

Your post isn't clear- are you saying this happened 9years ago? Or was the 9 years ago referring to when you had a relationship when you were separated?

Your anger is aimed at the wrong people. The boss and the women are not to blame your husband is.
Nobody can be pushed in to an affair your husband chose to have an affair all by himself.
Only the husband is the one with loyalties to you so he is the one to blame nobody else.

Sending a message won't help you in the long term. It might make you feel better for a few minutes but that's it.
I think you need to focus on what you both want now and use the time to discuss what you do going forward.
Be adult about this don't be petty

Original poster

Fierywhenhot · 04/04/2020 17:53

Ok, so I think some things have been misinterpreted. I should have said 'introduced' instead of 'pushed. We had started to drift apart. I found out about it on valentine's day this year. He went back to his mums for a while but has come back because of the lockdown.
She DID know about me and my children because they were talking about us over messages. She has also been trying to contact him even after he told her to leave him alone. Obviously I know it is his fault too, I hate what he has done to me and my family, and he's definitely not yet forgiven.

OP posts:

Pentium85 · 04/04/2020 17:56

i hate what he has done to my family and he definitely not yet forgiven

But yet, here you are, hating the other women and forgiving your husband.
I wish you all the best OP, but this will end in unhappiness and tears.

Original poster

Fierywhenhot · 04/04/2020 18:24

I said he's not forgiven yet?!

OP posts:

Laurenxx12 · 04/04/2020 18:29

I've never understood why people defend the OW. Off course you should be aiming your anger at your husband but the anger you aim at her is very warranted. She's knowingly taken part in causing you severe emotional pain, how does that make her blameless? It takes a particularly shitty person to knowingly inflict emotional pain on another person. That's said, you should try not to dwell on it because it won't help you heal, but don't let people tell you that you're wrong for feeling the way you do towards the OW. It's natural that you feel that way.

Ughmaybenot · 04/04/2020 18:38

Oh dear that’s very recent. I am sorry, you must be so confused and hurt right now. The OW is a nasty piece of work, but so is your husband, and he’s the one who owed you loyalty, and who you exchanged vows with.
I dread to think how I would cope dealing with something like this at all, let alone now having t be in lockdown wth him.
You say she kept trying to contact him, was he not capable of blocking her?
I’m presuming you found out rather than him having a sudden rush of conscious and telling you.
I don’t personally think it’ll help you to get involved in an ugly situation with the OW and her husband. It’s up to you, of course, but I’d be focussing on the situation closer to home.
Have you looked at the chump lady website? There’s no right or wrong here, you can stay with him, or you can leave him, and neither would be right or wrong. But what would be wrong would be trying to force yourself to make a decision right this second, or rushing yourself into being ‘okay’ with him again. It simply doesn’t happen overnight. Give yourself time and be kind to yourself.

CuppaZa · 04/04/2020 18:42

Sorry but why do you mainly blame his boss and the OW? Did he force feed him viagra and tie him up, while she got him naked and jumped on his cock?
He willingly did it. Because he wanted to

SandyY2K · 04/04/2020 18:46

How do you know her husband knows? Did your H tell you that? If so I wouldn't believe him.

You can tell her husband, but not in a way for him to have the 'juicy details'.

Something like this....

I'm sorry to be the bearer of this news, but I thought you have a right to know. Your wife had a 5 month affair with my husband [husbands name] from X date.

If you would like further information or proof, please let me know. If not could you call me on XXXXXX to confirm receipt and so I know the message has not been intercepted.

Regards...your name

crispysausagerolls · 04/04/2020 19:36

@SandyY2K

Perfect message.

I would send this.

CandyLeBonBon · 04/04/2020 20:37

Sure is, nasty word for a nasty woman who deserves it.

Life just isn't that black and white and we're not 5 year olds. I've been cheated on and whilst I'm no fan of the woman my ex cheated on, he encouraged her to thing I was this awful harridan who was financially abusing him.
I wasn't. I bailed his business out to the tune of £5k and set up a new limited company to make sure his clients weren't left high and dry.

He told her he felt emasculated. Perspective is everything. People who want to have sex with others who aren't their significant others will say all sorts of shit to get what they want. She may well be a heinous individual. She may just be deluded. Work on the facts.

izzywizzygood · 04/04/2020 20:48

I would agree with @Lucyccfc68 - it's your husband who is the slag. Plus, if the woman is in love with him, it's unfair to call her a slag as she's just following her heart, and what else can she do if she's lovesick? You should also tackle this with him and really, it's not something you should forgive. You know this and that's why you feel so angry. As they say on here: "you deserve better". Just move on and find your prince charming, he's out there.

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