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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My Husband seeing his girlfriend during Covid19

55 replies

BrighterShades · 03/04/2020 22:28

Not looking for sympathy*, just opinions.

My husband (partner of 19 years & 2 kids) left me last year. Within 5 days of moving out he had a girl sleeping over at his new flat. But not an affair.....

Anyway, they are now 'officially' boyfriend and girlfriend, and she has not met our children. And yes, she's a fair bit younger.

They are both NHS key workers. He lives in a flat and still sees the children (this is good). What I'm trying to find out or gauge opinion on is this:

As my husband doesn't live with his girlfriend is it appropriate for them to still be flaunting the rules and staying in each others flats? I was of the understanding that people who were not family and didn't live together cannot stay in each others flats.

Yes, bloody hell I'm annoyed and yes I don't wan't my husband to be with her - and I understand that I'm feeling that. But based on how the world is right now- shouldn't they be being more socially responsible?

Completely understand there may be a backlash. I wanted to phone NHS HR to ask if this is appropriate behaviour, but reckon they're pretty busy at the moment.

  • of course I am!
OP posts:
cabbageking · 03/04/2020 22:32

If they were living together would they be exposed to any less risks?

However if it increases the risks to your children then revert to online or phone contact only.

Flowersforpowers · 03/04/2020 22:39

To be honest the situation is fairly irrelevant - guidelines are clear that you should not spend time socially with anyone outside your immediate household.

Is he still seeing your children now? Personally I'd put a stop to that if he's flouting social distancing rules. But I wouldn't bother shopping him, more important things for the NHS to worry about right now.

QuentinWinters · 03/04/2020 22:43

Wow op
Would you prefer they moved in together and made your kids see them full on together all the time when the kids haven't met her yet?
I get it hurts but it sounds like he is trying to balance his relationship and his children. If they stay together all the time when kids arent with him I don't see the problem

Original poster
BrighterShades · 03/04/2020 22:55

Thanks for your replies. Just trying to make him understand that in the current situation he simply shouldn't be seeing her. They are both NHS key workers. Last week, whilst the country was on shut down they decided to go on a short break to Scotland together.

He should still be seeing his children - which he is. I just don't think he should be doing what he's doing with his little girlfriend.

And I'm bloody upset and angry

OP posts:
RU562341 · 03/04/2020 23:05

I wanted to phone NHS HR to ask if this is appropriate behaviour, but reckon they're pretty busy at the moment

Don't do this.
No, it's not advisable... but the HR are not the police. They won't give a fuck, and can do nothing about it.

Original poster
BrighterShades · 03/04/2020 23:07

And that's precisely why I didn't

OP posts:
Yallreadyforthis · 03/04/2020 23:11

You have to butt out. Keep your kids safe, concentrate on healing yourself.

He's not going to listen to you anymore.

SummerBreezemakesmefeelfine · 03/04/2020 23:15

The PM did say that couples who do not live together all the time needed to make decisions about either living in one household or staying apart during lockdown.

From this perspective they are both breaking the "rules". What you can do about this is a different matter entirely, but you may feel it puts your children at greater risk of contracting the virus and YANBU to think so.

Samtsirch · 03/04/2020 23:17
  • then you have my sympathy. It’s a killer for you, the hurt.
MyTwoPence · 03/04/2020 23:18

Do they each live alone? How far apart so they live? How do they travel between each others flats?

If they each live alone, live close to each other and don't have to take public transport to visit each other, in terms of contacts it's really no different to them actually living together. Yes, strictly speaking they should move in together but I can understand why they wouldn't do that given his contact with your DC.

All this assumes that they are otherwise following the guidance as much as they can given they're NHS key workers. If they're still meeting up with other people, using public transport to visit each other, live with other people, or travelling a large distance, they shouldn't be meeting up at all.

Samtsirch · 03/04/2020 23:23

OP he only left you last year, after 19 years together and 2 children,
this will probably hurt you forever, but not always so much as it does now. That’s the only solace I can offer, that time is the only healer.
Look after your self and your children, it will get better.

Cherrysoup · 04/04/2020 00:18

No contact with the dc if he’s doing this. I’d say isolate them from him anyway, given he’s frontline NHS.

Nicolastuffedone · 04/04/2020 04:54

You’re saying he shouldn’t be allowed to visit his girlfriend because they’re both key NHS key workers and live separately, but, this same NHS key worker, who lives separately from you and the children, is still allowed to visit his children in your home??

UsedUpUsername · 04/04/2020 05:02

He probably shouldn’t be seeing the kids in all honesty.

Purpleartichoke · 04/04/2020 05:05

The details don’t matter. They don’t live together means they can not socialize in-person. I wouldn’t let him see the kids until he starts following the rules.

SuckingDownDarjeeling · 04/04/2020 05:36

@Nicolastuffedone I may be wrong but I think OP means he still has visitation rights in general, not necessarily during the lockdown. However, if OP is allowing visitation during the lockdown, which is technically acceptable according to government guidelines, I would imagine she would be very wary about who he comes into contact with and where he spends his time between visitations. Of course being NHS adds more risk (or fish as my autocorrect tried to tell me 🐟) but why add to the risk with needless escapades?

Nicolastuffedone · 04/04/2020 05:49

SuckingDownDarjeeling yes, I understand that. But if she feels he shouldn’t be visiting his girlfriend in her house because it’s against government guidelines, for fear of who he’s in contact with, should he be visiting her children if she’s so concerned?

stripesareforlife · 04/04/2020 05:50

Why wouldn't you say ex husband?

LittleLittleLittle · 04/04/2020 06:05

As your ex is an NHS keyworker he is in contact with loads of people.

You need to decide if his job alone puts your joint children more at risk of catching covid-19.

If the answer is "yes" then use that to decide in whether the children should still see him.

If the answer is "no" only then factor in the girlfriend's visits.

BoomBoomsCousin · 04/04/2020 06:07

If he's working, especially if his NHS role is frontline, his risk is probably not much increased by him visiting his girlfriend and (assuming girlfriend lives alone) it isn't really any different than it would be if he lived with her while this was going on, which would be perfectly acceptable.

So I totally understand your anger at him over his behaviour around your break up, but I don't think it's particularly rational or reasonable to do anything about this.

BoomBoomsCousin · 04/04/2020 06:07

He probably shouldn’t be seeing the kids in all honesty.

Why not?

Reginabambina · 04/04/2020 06:10

This is no different to if they were living together though. So long as they aren’t doing this with multiple people of course. The only reason I can think of where there would be an unacceptable risk would be if she lived with other people hence exposing them.

Reginabambina · 04/04/2020 06:11

@UsedUpUsername I’d imagine not seeing their father for several months would be more damaging than potential exposure to corona virus.

Mumdiva99 · 04/04/2020 06:17

I would have a discussion around whether or not continuing to see the kids is in their best interest given that he's coming into contact with others daily. Surely the safest thing for the kids is Skype, phone, what's app etc. The girlfriend is actually irrelevant here. (That's assuming you and the kids are locked down at home and not seeing anyone else.)

Crackerofdoom · 04/04/2020 06:19

Hey OP,
I can imagine this must be really hurtful for you and I really sympathise.

It always seems so unfair when a partner leaves their marriage and seems to move seamlessly into a new relationship leaving their spouse to pick themselves up and deal with the fallout.

But there is nothing you can do here. Even if you could get them into trouble, it won't drive a wedge between them. If anything, it will force them to move in together and your DCs to meet before she or they may be ready.

If you are concerned about your DCs going to DH's house because he is frontline NHS, then that is a different discussion to have with him but trying to stop him seeing his new partner will not end well.

Flowers for you. I know this must be so tough.

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