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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My Husband seeing his girlfriend during Covid19

55 replies

BrighterShades · 03/04/2020 22:28

Not looking for sympathy*, just opinions.

My husband (partner of 19 years & 2 kids) left me last year. Within 5 days of moving out he had a girl sleeping over at his new flat. But not an affair.....

Anyway, they are now 'officially' boyfriend and girlfriend, and she has not met our children. And yes, she's a fair bit younger.

They are both NHS key workers. He lives in a flat and still sees the children (this is good). What I'm trying to find out or gauge opinion on is this:

As my husband doesn't live with his girlfriend is it appropriate for them to still be flaunting the rules and staying in each others flats? I was of the understanding that people who were not family and didn't live together cannot stay in each others flats.

Yes, bloody hell I'm annoyed and yes I don't wan't my husband to be with her - and I understand that I'm feeling that. But based on how the world is right now- shouldn't they be being more socially responsible?

Completely understand there may be a backlash. I wanted to phone NHS HR to ask if this is appropriate behaviour, but reckon they're pretty busy at the moment.

  • of course I am!
OP posts:
Janus · 04/04/2020 06:24

I think I’d also say not to see the children for now, not because of what he’s doing with girlfriend (which is wrong and against all advice) but just because he must be exposed all the time anyway. I think it must be really hard but he has to see that the children being safe is the top priority and see them at the end of this nightmare?

Nicolastuffedone · 04/04/2020 06:25

Reginabambina it’s not only the children who are in danger of being exposed to corona virus......OP is also being potentially exposed to it as well.

Mohster · 04/04/2020 06:53

I doubt if the NHS would care its not their function to police such rules. You will appreciate that one of the ministers was asked about this at one of the prime ministers daily briefings. The reply was that poss they should move in together to test their relationship mainly because there was no real answer as their lockdown is pretty lax and ambiguous and as you state she moved into his flat it appears there is little you can do. The present crisis isn't going to help you to get over this and in reality the frustration and the 'red' that you feel is something that you have to learn to get past. What I would says is that you may wish nothin' twice about your kids carrying on with their visits due to the increased risk don't forget kids arent immune they still carry the virus they just in most case develop the disease. So they can pass it on to others such as you or grandparents and whilst I believe that it is important to allow children to see their father as is their right this is one situation you should be thinking about and putting the other issue out of the picture to prevent it blurring your vision as to what is really important. It may not be something that you wish to hear but in reality, in these problematic situations where there is a feeling understandably, it is not beneficial to your children's well being mental. The reality is that you need to move on not only for their benefit but for yours also.

hibeat · 04/04/2020 07:04

Let him facetime the kids on account of his job. Just leave the girlfriend situation out of it. You cannot trust him. He is still going to see her. So you cannot put your children at risk. It hurst, I recon after all this is over it will still hurt. Focus on the kids.
Yes he did not put his kids first. THat hurst. They need more love at the moment.
WOrst case scenario, he get corona, your kids don't get it.

Rainbunny · 04/04/2020 07:10

As to his arrangements with his girlfirned, tbh there's likely not much you can do except hope that they aren't increasing risk to others.

As for your children, I would consider trying to get him to agree to no in-person contact for a while. My BIL is a emergency doctor (USA based) and he has self-isolated in their master bedroom (has an ensuite - crucial for him to thoroughly wash when he gets home) while my dsis has moved to a guest bedroom to keep herself and their kids safe through this, many of his colleagues are doing likewise. It sounds extreme but if your ex is in a role that potentially exposes him to repeat contact with potential C-virus patients it's what's happening.

The reports coming out about doctors and nurses who've tragically died from this is that experts believe they get a worse hit of the virus through more intense exposure to it.

RantyAnty · 04/04/2020 07:21

Like pp said, the important part is him possibly exposing the DC to it.

If he's working where there are cv patients, then he really should be going straight to work and straight home.No stopping off to the pub, shops or other places.

Do they require the workers to change and shower there after the shift?

I'd also go with the facetime calls for now.

mumme111 · 04/04/2020 07:32

I wouldn't let the kids see him at the moment purely because of the risks x

BoomBoomsCousin · 04/04/2020 08:01

Like pp said, the important part is him possibly exposing the DC to it. ... I'd also go with the facetime calls for now.

Is this the message for all NHS workers? "You're a danger to your children and shouldn't be permitted to see them."

TheStuffedPenguin · 04/04/2020 08:16

So many stupid people on here who don't seem to realise the basics of this isolation

he is out working in the NHS of all places , the girlfriend is out working also in the NHS , they are seeing each other and bringing all their contacts to each other - of course he should not see the kids as he and his contact with his GF are opening up a coronavirus potential to and through the children and to the OP.
It's really simple Shock

Distressingtimes · 04/04/2020 08:33

Similar situation here (visiting DP) yet different responses!
No, they should not be visiting each other. They either need to live together or stay apart.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3870511-Dad-refusing-to-see-children-because-of-my-bf

KatySun · 04/04/2020 09:37

There are guidelines from the courts on whether children should see parents during lockdown. You are allowed to exercise your parental responsibility and say no if you believe that the situation is against government advice:

www.judiciary.uk/announcements/coronavirus-crisis-guidance-on-compliance-with-family-court-child-arrangement-orders/

You need to offer alternative means of maintaining contact, for example, FaceTime etc.

UsedUpUsername · 04/04/2020 10:27

I’d imagine not seeing their father for several months would be more damaging than potential exposure to corona virus

One that OP has to consider, but strangely she’s focusing on her DH’s living arrangements which is not really her business unless it’s harmful to the kids (and it might be)

rwalker · 04/04/2020 10:48

whats the increase in risk if they were living together .

Nicolastuffedone · 04/04/2020 11:16

BoomBoomsCousin you’d really have to ask the NHS workers who have chosen to live apart from their families during this pandemic.....

copycopypaste · 04/04/2020 11:21

The guidelines state that you can't move between houses unless you are a child under 18 and going between parents or a Carer. They aren't sticking to the guidelines and tbh, as they are both NHS and at a higher risk if contracting the virus, I'd not be sending the dc over to him

Hannah021 · 04/04/2020 11:22

what he does with his partner is his business. U r burning ur energy looking over his shoulder, he's enjoying life while u'r living envy.
You guys r separated now, and you need to get ur divorce in order and find urself a partner. Let him live his life and focus on protecting ur kids

It must hurt to be in ur shoe, but he chose to move on... Direct ur attention towards ur self, ur children and finding urself a soul mate...

copycopypaste · 04/04/2020 11:23

whats the increase in risk if they were living together

One of them brings the virus home and infects the other and then the dc. Twice the risk of infecting the dc and then the op,

They aren't living together so wouldn't be exposing each other outside of work. That's me presuming they don't work in close proximity with each other all day

RU562341 · 04/04/2020 11:26

what he does with his partner is his business. U r burning ur energy looking over his shoulder, he's enjoying life while u'r living envy.
You guys r separated now, and you need to get ur divorce in order and find urself a partner. Let him live his life and focus on protecting ur kid. It must hurt to be in ur shoe, but he chose to move on... Direct ur attention towards ur self, ur children and finding urself a soul mate...

Firstly, within reason, if his actions affect their shared minor children negatively, it IS the OP's business to a certain degree.

The second part of your post is just insulting and weird. Do you think people can't be happy alone? Do you really think the end goal of every woman should be to be a wife?

JudyCoolibar · 04/04/2020 11:39

If they stay together all the time when kids arent with him I don't see the problem

Seriously? You can't see a problem with the fact that he's blatantly ignoring the social distancing guidelines and, having increased his risk by so doing, is then seeing the children?

Yes, it's no much more risk than if they lived together - but (a) he presumably has to to travel to and from her place and (b) if they're not living together and the girlfriend also is at risk, self-evidently it's increasing his risk totally unnecessarily. If he was the only one whose health might be compromised that might not matter, but he's involving his children in this.

JudyCoolibar · 04/04/2020 11:41

@Hannah021, when what he does with his partner increases the risk to OP's children, it's pretty obvious that it IS her business, isn't it?

Mintychoc1 · 04/04/2020 12:01

He shouldn’t be seeing his partner. It’s a pretty clear part of lockdown. I can’t believe others are saying it’s OK. There are many of us on MN at the moment who have partners we can’t see, myself included. It’s just tough.
If he insists on breaking that rule then there’s nothing you can do to stop him. However, I would seriously consider suggesting that he avoided the kids, because he’s significantly increasing their risk by bringing a second person into the equation.

Womenwotlunch · 04/04/2020 12:10

To be perfectly honest Op, I wouldn’t want him to see the dcs because of the risk of coronavirus. The girlfriend issue is a red herring imho

Original poster
BrighterShades · 04/04/2020 13:59

Thanks for your responses everyone.

And yes - they are travelling to be with each other today!

OP posts:
SuckingDownDarjeeling · 04/04/2020 14:21

OP when you mentioned your kids still see ExH, do you mean they are still seeing him during the lockdown?

TheStuffedPenguin · 04/04/2020 14:32

*what he does with his partner is his business. U r burning ur energy looking over his shoulder, he's enjoying life while u'r living envy.
You guys r separated now, and you need to get ur divorce in order and find urself a partner. Let him live his life and focus on protecting ur kids

It must hurt to be in ur shoe, but he chose to move on... Direct ur attention towards ur self, ur children and finding urself a soul mate...*

and we wonder why this virus is spreading .....