DH has left me

[Viv]

Hi, I just want to get this off my chest, last Friday my DH got up and calmly announced he has been having an affair with my best friend. Since then I have been in complete turmoil and I'm not sure how to give vent to my feelings. DH has now moved into a flat with said best friend both of them seemingly leaving their kids behind with no compunction. We have talked so long and hard about this but seem to be getting nowhere, DH says he is confused about his feelings about life in general, but has agreed to go to counselling with me. He is still coming over most days to see DD and is sometimes so kind and caring and others so cold and distant I really don't know how to behave with him. What I do know is that despite everything I do still want him, he accuses me of just not wanting to be on my own - yes this scares me but it is not what is driving me.
The really difficult thing is that the lives of our two families are so intertwined that there is inevitable contact. My dd and her ds are really good friends and are starting school together on Wednesday so I have the playground meeting thing to deal with. Secondly and get this, our two kids are having a joint birthday party this coming weekend, something she actively encouraged to happen when we booked it a few weeks ago, despite what she knew was going on, so I have got to get through this too for the kids sake.
Currently because of the birthday situation only two other close friends (of us all) know about this. DO I tell others, how do you tell others, how do you tell parents. What do you tell the kids.
How do you deal with the intense emotions, the constant physical pain inside and the tears so near the surface. I never have been very good at handling my feelings.
I'm sorry to waffle on here but needed to get it down and 'talk' to people who don;t know any of us. I also feel really guilty asking for advice as I know others of you are going through difficult times yourself and I haven't been much support. I guess I was hiding from the fact that I have suspected Dh for some time of being up to something and din't want to face up to it so have avoided any talk of others problems - So sorry.

Oh Viv - don't apologise. What a terrible thing to happen - I can't offer any advice, except that whatever the outcome of your marriage, your dd will be a comfort. I hope things work out, and I'm sorry I can't be more help. I am thinking of you, and good luck with the birthday party.

A couple of questions - has your dh strayed before? And do you think you can work things out? Because it may still work out, especially if he is prepared to go to counselling. With regards to him being cold and distant - he probably feels horribly guilty and unsure of how to talk to you now.

I hope things get better for you.

So sorry to hear this news. I do not have personal experience of this but my dh does. His mum left to set up home with his dad's best friend and he no longer speaks to his mum. From a child's point of view (although dh was a teen) it wasn't the leaving that hurt but the way it was conducted. His mum returned after a short period on the pretense that it was to try to work things out but it was actually to save money to leave properly as they realised they had no cash. She never paid the bills and left dh dad in lots of debt. This hurt dh and his brother in ways that can never be forgiven or forgotten. Please remember your kids in this situation even though you are hurting loads as you could do irreparable damage. Try to be strong and remember they are the guilty party in this and should be prepared to make things as comfortable as possible for you, especially in terms of the birthday party and the girls' friendships. Maybe you can work things out but make it on your terms. I hope you can be happy again. Lots of luck.

Viv
how absolutely appalling for you - and how cruel and unfeeling of two people you ought to be able to trust. I can't give you any advice except that talking on here has helped many people before, and that you do need somewhere to vent your feelings safely, as you seem to be committed at the moment to hiding what is going on to protect your daughter.

I am really really sorry that they have done this awful thing to you. You sound incredibly brave to me. Don't feel guilty about not 'helping' others before - sometimes things are just too close to home. Time to let us give you as much support as we can.

Viv

Can't add much to the excellent advice already given, but wanted to say how sorry I am and that I am thinking of you. much love Mopsy xx

Viv, this is terrible - being betrayed by the two people you should be closest to, I am so sorry to hear your news.
I agree with the advice you've already been given, especially Musica's view that his "coldness" on some occasions since is probably fuelled by utter shame at what he has done to you. He IS still coming round, and he IS prepared to come to counselling, so it sounds to me as thought things could still be reversed.
I've recently been through a truly miserable time personally and although the circumstances are different, I have found that making sure other adults know what is going on helps. People putting their feet in it, albeit with the best of intentions, could make your brave front hard to maintain, especially at the party. This is where the friends you have told come in - if you feel you can trust them, get them to spread the word. Don't put yourself through hell trying to find the words to describe to others what has happened to you. Concentrate your resources on keeping strong for your dd - and for yourself.
One thing I don't think you mentioned - does your so-called best friend have a partner? Is he also a friend of yours? If so, perhaps you might be able to give each other a bit of moral support at the party?
I hope your friends are keeping in touch. It makes a big difference. That, and Mumsnet support.

Oh god, Viv, how awful. I'm so sorry. Double betrayal, it must be terrible. I've been there, many moons ago but no kids and I was young so it's not the same. I don't know what to say. I know I'd be tempted to cut all contact with her and her family immediately but that's because I would probably turn into a bitter and spiteful bitch in the circs and it's not necessarily what I'd advise you to do. Please do waffle on here as much as you need to and don't apologise. I don't think you can get out of the joint birthday party unless you can think of something your dd would like to do more and persuade her to do that instead? I'm thinking something like saying: "hey, I've just found out that Legoland/other really attractive attraction is open, what about we take your friends there instead?" But it is short notice. I don't know how your H expects you to deal with this. I wouldn't tell the kids yet until you've sorted out what you and your H are going to do. Does your dd suspect? She must have noticed that her dad has gone. Sorry if this isn't very constructive. Just wanted to say how sorry I am, will post more later if I think of anything else.

Viv, so sorry to hear this - it is terrible. I agree with Sobernow on the counselling point - I think it is positive. Also, is your so called best friend really going to leave her DS - or is all this a cry for some sort of attention /reaction from both of them. Bit drastic if it is, but nonetheless could be the case. The fact is, he is with someone who he obviously sees a lot and maybe whom started out as a confidante - were you having problems for a while? I know it's not a lot of comfort, but he clearly hasn't gone out actively looking for someone - i.e. met someone at work/socially, who is not known to you. Maybe this relationship with your friend started out as something innocent and grew out of control.

Have you thought of talking to your best friend's partner - he may shed some light on the sitution.

Best of luck - and yes - the party! Can't you suggest to your friend that in the circumstances she withdraws her DS from the party (no need to tell others why), so you don't have to face her. I really don't see why you should me made to carry on as if nothing has happened.

Keep us posted xx

How awful for you - like the others say, it must feel like a double betrayal.

Thankfully this has not happened to me, but I am a child of a broken home and I thought I'd just say that it doesn't have to be too hard for your dd if you're a little bit careful. I would talk to your husband about what to tell her and how - I know he is the guilty party, but it's probably better for her if that isn't made too obvious (as children can reject the parent they percieve to be guilty in these cases and it is better for her to still have a relationship with her father). In talking to him about it, you will probably also push him into thinking clearly about what he is doing and that may help you both (if he's not sure and you do decide to go for counselling - great and good luck, if he is sure a clean break would be better).

Anyway like I say, I haven't been there so ignore me if it doesn't sound right to you. Best of luck.

Viv, you poor thing. What a nightmare.

My father left home for my best friend's mum when I was 11 and so much attention was given to making sure that he was not painted as the bad man that everything got completely stupid - we were made to be on best behaviour when he came to see us so that he might want to come home; no one, and I mean NO ONE was to be told that he had left home, and this lasted for 7 years of him pretending to live there when friends came round and then going to his home after they had left etc etc; there was a huge amount of lying going on. Parents didn't get back together but the damage was done and I don't trust him, find it very difficult even to see him and refuse to see step-mother ever.

Soooo, only advice I would dare to give is, make sure that your dd knows it is nothing to do with the way she has behaved and that you follow whatever route you think is best and not what your dh and bf say.

And, I am thinking of you lots and just hope you can be happy again, either with or without him.

Bless you Viv - what an awful time you must be having at the moment.

No matter what advice people will give you, it can only be you who will make the ultimate decision on your relationship with your dh.

All I would say is that life is not a dress rehersal - you need to do what's best for you.

Good luck.

viv, so sorry to hear of what has been going on - please remember to use the support from all of us here as and when you need to or, just want to.
sis

Thank you all so much for your prompt replies, you don't how much it helps to realise that I am not alone in thinking its unfair on me and just to know so many people have taken the trouble to reply gives me such comfort.
ex best friends dp is the mercahnt navy and is away for 4 months and then home for 4 months in rotation. He currently has 2 more months left at home. When he goes back to sea the bitch will have to move back into her home and look after the 3 boys a job her dp is doing at the moment. So god knows how they plan to manage that one. One thing that is certain in this is that my Dh will not move in there as the eldest boy is 16 and they at least have the decency not to jeopodise his happiness and needs as he is just starting out on his A levels. I have spoken to her dp a few times but he is finding it difficult to see me at the moment as he feels it brings him down further, but we have agreed that we will do the school runs and hopefully get to talk that way and give each other a bit of support.
My dh has never strayed before and as you say maybe the fact that he has agreed to come to counselling gives me some hope. By the way she has done this before and her dp stood by her last time and now regrets it.
Your advice about letting other friends know so they can give support is probably very sound and I think I will ask one particular friend to let people know quietly so I have people around me at the party to give me a shield from her. I have decided to keep ahead with the party so as not to disapoint either child and that is why I have also agreed that she should be their so her ds is not upset. As you have said at the end of the day the kids are the most important in all of this and their relationship with their respctive parents mustn't be jeopodised more than is possible. Perhaps as you have said Dh will realise what he is missing with Dd if I work out how to put the pressure on about Dd without hurting her or letting him relise what I am doing.
One of the things that hurts so much is the effect on DD. At the moment she thinks Daddy is staying a Hotel for work, which fortunatley he has always had to do from time to time so she has not questioned this. However yesterday she just burst into tears for no reason and when I gave her a cuddle she said she was crying because she didn't want me to be sad all the time. So obviously they do pick up on so much as I have not cried in front of her and made a point of walking out the room when I felt it coming on.
Any way thank you so much for all your support its great, I probably won't get to a PC before Friday now as I've a few days off work to get Dd settled into school and Dh has got the home pc as he needs it for work. But I will be back in touch and have just ordered myself a new pc on the web for home without telling him and I don't really care.
Anyway getting petty now but it does feel quite good. The one thing I did smile about over this last weeek was when I accidently came across her and Dh in the pub and I threw her drink over her. Very petty, very spiteful but it did make me feel better for a few minutes.
Thank you all so much
V.

PS Marina thank you so much for replying and I do hope that you are beginning to feel a little better yourself.

Good for you, Viv (the throwing drink bit, I mean).

Drink throwing and pettiness = feels very good!

Hope you'll be ok and I think you're very brave not to cry in front of your daughter - that would be really dificult, I imagine.

Your husband agreeing to counselling is a very good sign that he may have some twinges of regret, possibly.

Good luck with the party. Definitley a good idea to get some allies with you to protect you and advise that drink throwing then might not be such a good idea (though dead tempting, I'll bet).

Please keep posting if it helps to get some persepective on things. Thinking of you.

I'm very impressed about the drink - how satisfying!
I think you're definitely doing the right thing letting everyone know the situation before the party - just make sure they also know that you don't want it to be an issue at the party - I can imagine they are going to find it VERY difficult to be civil to her knowing what she has done to you and the kids might just pick up on the atmosphere.
I find it hard to imagine why on earth dh would agree to counselling if he was really sure that his future lay with bf - most men hate counselling at the best of times and are only prepared to go thru with it ''for us'' and when they really want to save the relationship.
Fingers crossed.

viv, oh how terrible, and how unfair. Reading this, I am left with a burning question, not central to your and your dh, but IMO still important. Why did your best friend want to hold a joint dd birthday party with you? Why on earth didn't she pull out of this ages ago? What is her take on all of this?

I can totally understand the drink throwing, but if you can, IMO you have got to talk to her without your dh being there. Very very hard and you will have to be very strong, but since your lives are intertwined, you will see her anyway. Perhaps you have done this already, I don't know. I think you need to ask her some straight questions and tell her exactly how you feel - let her see your anger and disgust. It is natural to feel utterly betrayed. You are not over reacting.

This is my only advice to you, based on something that happened to me years ago. Make sure your dh is not your only link between you and your ex best friend. Now and in the near future. Make sure she knows your feelings and you know hers. Keep yourself empowered and in the picture. Don't let your dh distort the truth - if this is a possibility. Don't let her think you are coming to terms with this, and are quietly accepting their plans.

good luck with the new internet link - hope all these messages help you when you log on again.

AND - I know it is difficult, but try to keep your dignity in front of dh and bf. Both will be impressed, it will make bf look worse, and if dh has any doubts about your bf, he will realise how good you are in comparison to her.

I don't think I would be anywhere near as strong as you in that situation, especially at the party. You are a saint to agree to still go. All the best, and keep in touch. We are all here for you.

Oh viv, I sympathise greatly, you may recall I am going through a terrible time just now regarding my husband leaving me suddenly after the birth of our 2nd child (see post under anyone still up & on line & also DIVORCE)...my latest news is that of finding out he's with another woman & she's pregnant by him. I know the'other woman' in my husbands life is not my best friend & i don't have to see her but I can truly relate to the betrayal you are feeling regarding the affair...so if you would like to get my e-mail address from the moderators for a private talk & even exchange of phone numbers maybe we can support each other & vent our frustrations that way, we may also get some practical advise too from each others experience...

What a stunningly, astonishingly, unforgiveably vile thing for these trusted and beloved people to do to you, Viv. You must be feeling so awful. I am utterly gutted on your behalf and I am glad you threw a drink over her. I do agree with Tigermoth that you should talk to her as well, if you can bear to, though. I am immensely impressed that you are being so strong for your dd and going ahead with the party. Best of best of best of luck. I hope the new computer is top of the range.

Viv - don't know what to say except neither of them deserve you. Chin up chuck and remember, what goes around comes around. (I know that is probably bugger all help but I do believe it!)

Thank you all so much for your support, Have now got through the party and it all went really well from the kids point of view the had a brilliant time, I coped by being a bigger kid myself and spent the entire party on the bouncy castle with kids so I didn't have to talk to anyone else.
I did speak to her alone prior to the party as you have suggested and although we didn't discuss feelings it did help to work out how we would manage things when we are there with the kids. She was so cold and distant and said she has no intention of letting him go! I ignored that comment.
I think that your suggestions of staying calm with them both whilst still letting them know how I feel is a great one, as you say if I am to stand any chance of rescuing this situation then I need to show a dignified front and not get too embroiled in all the emotional stuff with them.
I am feeling low today but I think that is the after effects from the party yesterday, I am just drained. But have managed to find some time for a real heart to heart with another friend who doesn't know all the others involved so a good cry with her has helped some.
Dixie, thank you so much for taking the time to post a message, I am thinking of you too and cannot begin to imagine how you are coping with everything, you are doing so well and yes I would love to take you up on your offer of a private chat, I will contact the moderators today.