DH has left me

[Viv]

Hi, I just want to get this off my chest, last Friday my DH got up and calmly announced he has been having an affair with my best friend. Since then I have been in complete turmoil and I'm not sure how to give vent to my feelings. DH has now moved into a flat with said best friend both of them seemingly leaving their kids behind with no compunction. We have talked so long and hard about this but seem to be getting nowhere, DH says he is confused about his feelings about life in general, but has agreed to go to counselling with me. He is still coming over most days to see DD and is sometimes so kind and caring and others so cold and distant I really don't know how to behave with him. What I do know is that despite everything I do still want him, he accuses me of just not wanting to be on my own - yes this scares me but it is not what is driving me.
The really difficult thing is that the lives of our two families are so intertwined that there is inevitable contact. My dd and her ds are really good friends and are starting school together on Wednesday so I have the playground meeting thing to deal with. Secondly and get this, our two kids are having a joint birthday party this coming weekend, something she actively encouraged to happen when we booked it a few weeks ago, despite what she knew was going on, so I have got to get through this too for the kids sake.
Currently because of the birthday situation only two other close friends (of us all) know about this. DO I tell others, how do you tell others, how do you tell parents. What do you tell the kids.
How do you deal with the intense emotions, the constant physical pain inside and the tears so near the surface. I never have been very good at handling my feelings.
I'm sorry to waffle on here but needed to get it down and 'talk' to people who don;t know any of us. I also feel really guilty asking for advice as I know others of you are going through difficult times yourself and I haven't been much support. I guess I was hiding from the fact that I have suspected Dh for some time of being up to something and din't want to face up to it so have avoided any talk of others problems - So sorry.

viv, what a trooper you are! I think you were so fantastically good to hold your tongue when your ex friend said she was not going to let your husband go. I wonder how secure she's really feeling if she's that defensive? If she's cold and distant to you, sounds like she sees you as a great threat. For what it's worth I think she'd have to feel very relaxed and sure of things to be open and sympathetic with you.

If you can rise above it like this, while still communicating with bf and dh, you are IMO doing wonderfully.

Hi Viv. We've not 'chatted' before, but I just wanted to echo Tigermoth's thoughts. The comment about not wanting to let him go immediately made me think that she must be feeling insecure and aware that he may want to go. I agree - she probably sees you as a threat which would suggest that all is not rosy.

I cannot believe how strong you are to go through with the party - I think you are a pretty inspirational lady. LOL.

Hi Viv, sorry to hear about your DH. I had a similar problem many years ago, pre-marriage but with a long term partner. I must admit I behaved like a wet weekend (not saying you are).

He went off with a girl he'd met on a boys night out but he continued to come back to me when he fancied a change. I behaved like a doormat and let him walk all over me.

I suddenly realised what I was doing and told him where to go. He was back like a rash, we got back together for a couple of weeks and then I realised I didn't love him anymore and ended it.

Obviously you have a child so things are different but I would give DH a wide berth at the moment. If you feel like picking up the phone - don't, phone someone else and talk to them (even the Samaritans would lend an ear).

Try to be strong for yourself it's very hard. Could you take DD away for the weekend maybe go visiting. Make the two of you unavailable for a while. Try not to make him and what he is up to the centre of your world (I know it is and must be awful.

Don't let that evil cow get the better of you either. Tell her she's welcome to him. HTH. R

Hi, latest installment, dh has just rung and said he has just spent an hour with so called bf and told her it is over. Now he wants to talk to me to get some straight answers whatever that means, I guess I'll find out this evening. Then he said although he has finished with her he doesn't feel he really has, so god knows if this is moving us forward, backward or what. I am so muddled, oh well roll on 5pm so I can go and find out what is really going on.
Rhiannon, regardless of the above I think you are so right about giving myself some space, yes I have phoned him a lot over the last few days, I should call someone else. I like your suggestion of going off with dd on our own for a couple of nights, I might try that this weekend, it will be treat for her as she starts school full time next week and time out of the house will probably do me good, even if I am currently being really wimpy about being on my own.
I have now told a few more people what is going on and although I don't feel any less miserable I do feel a greater sense of relief, so thanks everyone for your continued support and I will keep you posted.

Good luck this evening, Viv - you are coping so fantastically with this (as I'm sure he realises!...). Hope it works out the way you want (whatever that ends up being).

Viv, good to hear you're feeling a bit better. Get away for a weekend together with DD, if you like that sort of thing take your make up and nail varnish and a big box of chocs and have a real girly time. Go to the cinema do lots of things to keep you busy.

And remember he must sort himself out before he moves back in. You cannot possibly have the worry of him going off again.

Make a promise to yourself that you will not ring again this week. HTH. R

Viv thinking of you hope you get the outcome you want

viv, well done for getting through the party, very brave of you. I agree, bitch of an ex bf is feeling extremely threatened. Quite rightly by the sound of it. Good advice to try to continue outward serenity at least and to get away from it all for a couple of days if you can. Good luck, keep us posted.

Thanks again folks am off to London with DD Friday pm and have booked to see Lion King, then staying overnight and doing real touristy things Saturday and probably build in a bit of retail therapy too. Luckily dd loves clothes shopping as much as I do even at 5 years old.
Spoke to DH Monday eve, he came round and we had a real heart to heart, we have agreed not to speak until Sunday when he is coming round to see dd. He has promised to think carefully about what I have said to him and even intimated that reality is beginning to hit him about what he has done and he suddenly realises what he has got to lose. Not sure if this will be enough but at least he hasn't given up on the idea of us making a go of it again.
The nights are still bad but have booked up friends to come round each evening this week to share a bottle or two of wine and give me some company and hopefully to talk about day to day things with to give my mind a bit of a break.
Thanks again for all your wonderful support it helps so much.
Take care
V.

viv, remember that old saying, 'living well is the best revenge?'

Enjoy your weekend.

Well done Viv for taking such positive action. Hope you have a good weekend.

Viv, sounds like a lovely weekend. Have a good time. Try not to do too much thinking. R

Viv - you sound as if you are sorting yourself out, and your post about the weekend made me cry. (I'm an emotional wreck anyway, but sad things really touch me!) I really hope that things work out for you and your dh, if you want him back. It sounds like he is having doubts about the ex bf, maybe the grass was greener on the other side, but now he realises that he already had a meadow

Enjoy your weekend. I'm having a weekend with my sister the weekend after next, so dh will have ds. HeeHeeHee. Shock to the system time!

Thanks folks for your good wishes, I'm nervous about the weekend, mainly because of spending the time with no adult company with my emotions all up in the air, but you guys are giving me the strength to look on it as a positive experience and to enjoy some one to one time with dd having fun. Do you think dh would notice if his credit card happened to slip into my purse this weekend?
Chinchilla have a great time with your sister next weekend enjoy the break!

Oh Viv, I've only just found this thread, and read it through. I hope your husband has the guts to go to counselling with you and try to sort things out. My Mum left us (My Dad and me, sister and brother) when I was 12 for my Dad's best friend, who she had been having an affair with for 2-3 years. Her (now) dh left his 2 boys as well. It was a long time ago but reading what has happened to you brought back how angry I still sometimes feel about it(nearly 20 years on). So sending you HUGE hugs, and wishing you all the best!

Best wishes Viv

Hi, had a lovely time with dd at weekend, even if we did have to cut it short to get back for dd's ballet lesson which I forgot about.
Anyway, Sunday dh came back for dd's family birthday tea (party was last week) and was in a really miserable mood all afternoon. Once the Grandparents had gone he announced he had finished the affair as he couldn't contemplate living with her kids and not his own. He asked if he could come home. He says he wants to try and make our relationship work and wants to go to counselling but has doubts about whether we can do it. So he's home. But since then he has been in a really foul mood, I guess some of it is due to the fact that the affair has finished and as much as it hurts me I know he did have strong feelings for her. He has assured me that there is no way it will start up again and I do believe him.
However, he has no patience with me, refuses to let me talk to him about how I feel, if I get upset says I should be happy as he's come home etc. He says he needs some time to come to terms with everything and wants to get some normality back first before we decide or do anything. But I just want some indication that he does still care for me and a bit of warmth.
Am I asking too much too soon, am I just trying to push him too hard because of my own hurt and feelings of insecurity. I would really appreciate some other views as despite everything I do want to make a go of this, but at the same time not just on his terms.
Many thanks.

No Viv you are not. He goes off and has an affair and then when he finds that the grass is not greener he comes back and thinks he has the right to be moody and expect sympathy/understanding from you!! I don't think so. And I certainly do think the pair of you have a lot to talk about and work through. He can't come back and expect you to take up where you left off as if nothing has happened. Not sure how you get this across to him though.

PS Glad you enjoyed your weekend.

Viv, don't you think this is all happening very quickly? He needs time to sort himself out, is there anywhere he could stay for a few weeks to sort his brain out?

If he won't talk, write it down ask him exactly why he has come back. For the kids? because he does want you? because he doesn't want her? because he doesn't know what he wants? He is treating you badly and you don't deserve anymore of this sh*t. R

I have just had to re-read all this thread again - my heart goes out to you Viv and what you are going through.

Lots of people have written lots of constructive comments and I thought I would just add mine.

He has finished his affair and now decided he wants to come home but that really isn't his choice - that is a decision for you to make and for you to decide whether you can ever forgive him. The reason I ask this is because my husband left me after I had an affair and, after 2 years of trying to make the marriage work and having a third baby, he then decided he could never forgive me, told me we were over in February and actually moved out 3 weeks ago.

When I think back over the bad times we went through (and, boy, were some of them really bad - horrible nasty things being said), I used to imagine what it would be like if he turned round and told me he wanted to give our marriage another go, although this never happened. I am now over this and know we are never going to get back together again and am now having a good life although I still see him when he has the children.

What hurt me the most was that he has a girlfriend and they say that when you can't have something (in my case, my husband), you want it even more and that is so true.

What I am trying to say is that I have analysed my feelings for him over and over again (although obviously my circumstances are different to yours in that it was I that cheated and not him). I always thought we would grow old together but when I actually started analysing how I felt about him (although it was him that ultimately finished our marriage), I decided that I would have rather been with him than without him as the thought of being on my own with 3 children was so daunting but that is not enough reason to stay together.

When I thought even deeper, I knew that we had not been making each other happy for a long time and, at least by separating, at least we might each have a happy life, although my children might not agree with this.

Sometimes it is easier to stick with what you have rather than have to face the world starting afresh (although I didn't actually have that choice).

I think your husband might be acting the way he is towards you is because he also feels so guilty at what he has done to you and what you are now going through. Perhaps it is easier for him to distance himself from you to ease your own guilt.

You need to discuss all of this with him and you both have to communicate with each other about what you are going through. These issues, however much they hurt, are going to have to be dealt with if there is any chance of you both moving on in your marriage together.

You say the affair was with your best friend - do you still see her around? Was she married or in a relationship? How do you feel towards her?

Do you think you can ever trust your husband again because, without trust, there can be no relationship. What happens if he wants to go out with the lads for a drink (if that is what he does), will you be wondering what he is really up to.

He has got to prove his love for you and prove that it is you he wants to be with - not just for the sake of your DD but because of you.

I am sure I have not been much help and have just been waffling on, but just to let you know I am thinking of you and hope you can both get through this.