DH has left me

[Viv]

Hi, I just want to get this off my chest, last Friday my DH got up and calmly announced he has been having an affair with my best friend. Since then I have been in complete turmoil and I'm not sure how to give vent to my feelings. DH has now moved into a flat with said best friend both of them seemingly leaving their kids behind with no compunction. We have talked so long and hard about this but seem to be getting nowhere, DH says he is confused about his feelings about life in general, but has agreed to go to counselling with me. He is still coming over most days to see DD and is sometimes so kind and caring and others so cold and distant I really don't know how to behave with him. What I do know is that despite everything I do still want him, he accuses me of just not wanting to be on my own - yes this scares me but it is not what is driving me.
The really difficult thing is that the lives of our two families are so intertwined that there is inevitable contact. My dd and her ds are really good friends and are starting school together on Wednesday so I have the playground meeting thing to deal with. Secondly and get this, our two kids are having a joint birthday party this coming weekend, something she actively encouraged to happen when we booked it a few weeks ago, despite what she knew was going on, so I have got to get through this too for the kids sake.
Currently because of the birthday situation only two other close friends (of us all) know about this. DO I tell others, how do you tell others, how do you tell parents. What do you tell the kids.
How do you deal with the intense emotions, the constant physical pain inside and the tears so near the surface. I never have been very good at handling my feelings.
I'm sorry to waffle on here but needed to get it down and 'talk' to people who don;t know any of us. I also feel really guilty asking for advice as I know others of you are going through difficult times yourself and I haven't been much support. I guess I was hiding from the fact that I have suspected Dh for some time of being up to something and din't want to face up to it so have avoided any talk of others problems - So sorry.

Viv, glad you enjoyed the weekend.

I agree with Bumblelions comment, he has to prove his love to you. That is what he should be busy doing, not stropping about his house. Is he at home because he now has nowhere else to go, or because he has realised he has made the worst mistake of his life, and you and the children are worth a big fight for?

I personally wouldnt let him have an easy ride if he was my husband. Wishing you lots of luck, stay strong.

Hi Viv, I'm glad you enjoyed the weekend. I'm sorry, but your husband's reason for coming back ("because he couldn't contemplate living with her kids and not his own" ) sounds totally selfish to me. He doesn't seem to be taking into account your feelings, your marriage or his behaviour. Has he said more than this or was this the sole reason he gave for moving back in?

I know you love him but all the same I think he is damn lucky that you let him come back so soon after causing you so much pain. For him to then expect it to be OK to continue to behave badly towards you is outrageous IMHO. I agree with the good advice given here about talking to him: you have to find out why else he has come back; why he behaved the way he did; how he intends to resolve the issues between you; whether he is serious about counselling/making your marriage work and whether it is completely over with bitch of an ex best friend. Whew! I agree with whoever said that he needs to sort out what he wants and why but I think you also need to think about what you are and are not prepared to accept from him in terms of behaviour. Trust is a very fragile thing and presumably he will have to earn yours back?

So to answer your questions, NO you are not asking too much and NO you are not pushing too hard: this is the man you are married to, he behaved badly (and is continung to do so in different ways) and YOU deserve some honesty, some answers and some decent behaviour.

I hope you're not offended by any of this. It's all just IMO, and I'm not you and can't know all that is happening to you. Good luck and keep talking here if it helps.

Viv
I agree with everybody. His behaviour is terrible. If I was in your situation I would be expecting abject apologies and huge bunches of flowers. Not being prepared to talk to you is totally out of order. As you are still hurting that he left you in the first place it is completly understanable for you to feel "grateful" that he has come back. But you really do need to decide if you can both make this work. Sometimes no husband can be better than a bad one.

viv, glad to hear your weekend was good. my thoughts are pretty much the same as others here but in my recent circumstances i have pondered the thought of what would i do if my hubby came back with his tail between his legs asking for another go...and i still don't know. I know i miss him terribly & feel my childrens lives will NEVER be what i expected them to be. On the days i imagine saying yes to him, i also do it with 3 firm conditions to myself.

1. like you it would have to be on not just his terms...a relationship is a 2 way thing, you only get out what you BOTH put in. Remember it is HE that broke your relationships foundations so he has a bigger 'repair' job to do!

2)A big discussion would HAVE to takr=e place so you can ask all those niggling questions, get rid of all your imagined visions from the past few weeks etc so that you can put a lid on it and pack it away...otherwise it will constantly crop up time & time again which will put your relationship under more strain than it is already goin through. this mainly is to help you but it will also give your husband a chance to air his thoughts as to why it happened...sorry to be blunt here but there was something in your relationship he was unhappy about to make him wander...so you need to get to the bottom of that as well. Which is why counselling would so be better at helping you BOTH deal with the past, present & hopeful future.

3. Iwouldn't have my hubby back living there straight away....1stly because while hes been away you have had to build up an extra strength to get on with your life and that is an important thing to keep control of (just incase). 2ndly to avoid further confusion for my children...one minute daddys there, then his not, then he's back and the tension & issues to be discussed could affect them more than the parting (& if it didn't work we'd all have to go through that abandonment all over again) & 3rdly because i'd feel i'd need to be sure it was the right thing, he'd have to do some SERIOUS wooing to get me to accept he was really back for ME & the children. not just because he had no other choice & was just biding his time till the next bit of fluff came along.

I hope you understand where I'm coming from & i know I've refferred to this a lot as YOU but remeber it's MY thoughts & MY conditions that I would have to keep to I am by no means implying that this is what you should do as only you know how you feel.

I got from our brief phone conversation that deep down your still very much in love with him & wanted him back but you are hurting a great deal. So i'm glad your a step towards what YOU want but make sure you look out for yourself & dd YOU ARE STRONG, YOU HAVE SURVIVED IT SO FAR. People can get over these things & friends i know have forgiven & gone on to a much stronger & deeper fulfilling relationship with their cheating partners but it does take alot of effort from BOTH parties & you have to be sure your husband is as committed to re-trying as you so obviously are.

if you want to phone again - i'm willing to chat...I've had a few low & sad days myself but i'm willing to chat & help you through those anxous thoughts I just know you are having.
take care
D xx

I can only really reiterate what others have said here so well, Viv - he is taking it for granted that he can move in again and then give YOU a hard time over this huge mistake he has made.
I think he needs to remove himself to a neutral space while you get couples counselling and you get some time to think over your terms for letting him move back in permanently.
So glad you had a good weekend.

Tell him to sling his hook and sort himself out. If he then decides he still wants to move back get him to beg and grovel for a good few weeks more (assuming that by this stage you still want him back). He cannot just waltz back in as if nothing had happened and then treat you as if you were at fault. I'm sorry if I'm not being as constructive as others on this thread - it's just my gut reaction I'm afraid.

Good luck whatever, thinking of you.

I have absolutely no experience of this scenario, but just want to reiterate my best wishes. It does sound as if he has got away with murder, and that the guilt may be making him act this way towards you. As others have said, it is very important for the sake of your dd that he does not keep leaving and coming back.

IMHO I would ask him to stay with a friend for a few weeks, until he has decided who he really wants, because this could just be a knee-jerk reaction to being away from your dd. If he wants you, then fine, but he can't come back just for your dd, as your life would be horrible, and you deserve more than that. At least if he left, you could meet someone else eventually, and someone who wanted you for YOU. He can still see your dd at weekends etc. It seems like you are so glad to have him back that you are still letting him get away with too much, but I obviously don't know the whole situation, so please don't get upset with me for saying this.

Men can be pigs can't they. Don't let him treat you less than you are worth, which is alot. I'm glad that you enjoyed the weekend - perhaps you could have more, even if your dh comes back, just to show him that you don't need him, and that he is lucky to have you.

I really wish you all the happiness in the world

Thanks everyone for your kind wishes, we had a lovely day out as a family on Saturday and then yesterday it all went to pot again. Basically it seems to have got to the stage that we can all be pleasant unless I want to talk about how I feel, then all the threats and vitriol etc. come out from him. I think you are right it is his guilt causing him to behave like this and the fact that he never has been able to cope when I need support, I have always been the strong one.
We have got our first session at relate on Thursday so I think I will see how it goes then before taking any decisions. As it is I am out tonight and Wednesday (I insisted he babysit whilst I go to the football for a change so feel better for that) and as he is working in the Midlands on Wednesday I have asked him to stay away Tuesday night, so he is meeting a friend for a drink. So minimal contact and hopefully we can go into the counselling in a better frame of mind. Depending on the outcome of that first session and assuming he agrees to carry on with it then I think I may ask him to move out for a short time whilst he ges his head in order ( and gets over ex bf as I think this is still half the problem).
Then maybe we can both see a bit more clearly where we go next. I'll miss him like mad though and don't know if I've the strength to ask him to do this. But we'll see.
So thanks everyone for your continued thoughts it really does hel pso much.

Dixie, thank you for taking the trouble to keep in touch, I hope things are a little more positive for you this week, I will keep in touch and take care of yourself too, your strength is amazing and I am thinking of you too.

Viv - we haven't heard from you for a while - how is everything going? I do hope your counselling is helping and that you feel that a reconciliation is the best option. Please let us know how you are - I for one am thinking of you.

Hi Subrina, thanks for the posting. DH is still at home but things are far from good. He has moved into the spare room and is now talking about a trial separation. He says it might make him realise what he is missing, but I feel as if he is slowly but surely moving away from me.
We are still going to counselling and have our next session tommorrow so will see how that goes and if we can talk about some of the positives in our relationship as I am sick of hearing about all the things I am doing wrong - he says there are positives which is why he is still at home but he never expands on what they are.
Anyway just a bit down today I keep having these mood swings which isn't helping any as I get ratty at home too.
On the positive side he is taking me to the England match tonight in Southampton as the footie is one of things we are both mad about - so a good night out will hopefully put us both in a good frame of mind for the counselling tommorrow.

Viv - so sorry things are difficult. Maybe counselling is one of those situations where things get worse before they get better. No-one likes to hear negative things about themselves - the defenses are bound to come up and your moodiness could be you dwelling on things - which I would do too. His distance from you may be his own guilt also, a feeling that he has caused a rift which perhaps he now feels is irreparable (sp?). Maybe he is unsure how you will react to him making any move towards you - nervous that you may never forgive him.
The fact you are together is a positive sign and at the end of the day, he chose you over your so called 'friend' - meaning he must feel there is some mileage in giving it a go. Have a great time at the football and take each day as it comes - I really hope it will pay off in the end.

Thinking of you xx

oh Viv, don't know what to add to cheer you up other than I am thinking of you.

Best wishes Viv - I hope the counselling helps to clarify things for you both - one way or the other.

Oh Viv, my heart goes out to you. You are coping so magnificently, I feel very proud of you! It seems to me (I know, easy for me to say, I've never been in this situation) as if you need to take some of the control here. Why is this all about him, when he has treated you so monstrously? Just make sure that you put yourself first, look after yourself and your daughter. It probably sounds laughable, but make sure that you're eating properly and please just spoil yourself. This is a dreadful time for you, but keep your chin up (throw some more drinks if it helps!) and do what is right for you. It will pass. A big hug and hope that you enjoyed the footie x

Viv sorry to hear you're still having problems, stay positive, I hope things improve. Thinking of you best wishes.

viv, I keep reading your messages and thinking of you. Do wish that you soon get to hear your dh talking about the positives in your relationship.

Hope you enjoyed your footie night out. Me enjoying football would definitely be a positive in my dh's eyes.

Hope the counselling sessions help.

Thanks everyone for all your good wishes, am feeling a lot more positive today, the sleeping tablets are helping and a few nights good sleep has made a huge difference. Just got back from the counselling session, and we talked about positives about how we first met etc (thanks Tigermoth) and it was so nice. Not sure it changes anything, DH is staying in the spare room but it did make ME feel better. Also the consellor helped us plan for the coming week, so that we get some 'normal' time rather than constantly talking about 'The Problem'.
And SueG, yes I do need to put me first and I have discovered that our local 'posh' hotel does pamper days in its health club so I am going to book myself a day and DH can have DD for the day - something he wants to do anyway as he says he doesn't get to spend enough time on a one to one with her generally. So hopefully a win win situation all round!
Thanks again guys for all your good wishes it really does help, especially on the bad days.
PS: Had a great night at the footie despite the result and even saw myself on the telly (yes I'm sad! I recorded the match as well!)

Hi Viv, very pleased to hear about the pamper day - and don't forget to have a large G&T while you're there!!

viv..glad to hear your both doing something...its still quite raw...but it is a good sign your both trying...try & think that way....been often thinking of you due to our similar situations.....good yr doing things for you as well...wot about the xmas meet up...u able to get to that?