Do I keep shut

[stoptherideiwanttogetoff]

Living in a not so great marriage, to be fair if I could leave right now with these kids I'd be gone. Not my fault. I'm holding shit together hoping the storm will pass.. and it will. So SIL (very well off) has been in touch via email and decided now is the time to send me and the boys some financial support. She's in another country. Insisted on it .. repeatedly. I've agreed and today she's transferred a sizeable sum into a savings account. I don't immediately need this money but it's bloody helpful if the current situation continues. Thing is this has all been done without my husbands knowledge and I feel awful. She's made it clear it's for me to support me and the kids.

He's not been a nice man, or father for that matter. 2 years ago I discovered he was living a a double life, whilst working away. It broke me! I tried hard to forgive and forget for the sake of my children.. it hasn't worked and if I'm honest he makes my skin crawl. Would you tell the truth and let him know? He's has zero contact with her.. I email once a month or so to keep in contact. Thing is do I even care if he knows (this has crossed my mind) no, I don't! He spent an absolute fortune on his fancy piece back then.. lots of holidays away while I looked after our little ones alone on my own salary.. I know the marriage is dead (that's a given) funny how life can put things into perspective eh. I have no control of finances in this house, we had a discussion the other day about 'what if' one of use got sick .. I know nothing about his business, the finances or potential debts he or the business has. I gave him the opportunity to share this information with me - as I have done in the past, nothing! Wwyd

Do not tell him.
Under any circumstances.
Can you leave?
How many children have you got?

No, don't tell him. Do you have any family you can stay with if the situation gets worse?

I have 2 under 10, he's not here most of the day .. thankfully. Lockdown isn't ideal but whilst he's still out working me and kids are ticking along fine.

Start to plan your escape.
Look at housing, get important paperwork and start packing.
Don’t tell him your plans.

God don't tell him!

Is it enough to help get you and your children moved out??

He isn't violent at all just a manipulative man, I'd call it more financial control. He was struck off running his own business 3 years back.. hence running off to work abroad leaving me with two little ones.. at the time he's transfer the odd couple of hundred when I 'asked' which wasn't often because I refused to! He has since set up a business in my name it would appear (he's struck off) .. what if that goes bust! It's my name!! I'm a bit worried to be honest. I've tried to discuss this..shot down and told all is ok. But I have no way of knowing. I know I'm stupid to have let this go on.. please be kind.

No do not tell him. Why should you feel guilty?
You will need to be careful, he will probably be entitled to half of that money when you divorce if you haven't used it.

Don't tell him and you know if the business goes bankrupt it's in your name. It would be you affected by it in terms of credit record score. Not just that...but he was struck off..what if he's still doing dodgy stuff in your name?

I'd seek legal advice on that point...or even support from domestic abuse organisations.

Have you signed documents relating to the business?

Definitely don't tell him. Your SIL is great.

Get advice ASAP.
I would assume that you would be responsible for any business in your name.
Does anyone know how to report that?

Don’t tell him; use the money to help you leave when this is over.

You need to get some legal advice - try speaking with the Rights of Women rightsofwomen.org.uk/

I'd be very concerned about what he's up to with his business in your name. You need to act.

Thanks for all your input, I will do some research on the implications on if the business went bust. It is possible in the current climate and something I am concerned about. I've ever signed anything, I have no access to the business bank account which is something I have raised in the past only to be shot down. Truth is I don't trust him, if knew about this money he'd insist it was paid into the business or probably stop paying me from the business. It's all such a mess and now I'm hiding money.!

Financial abuse is now recognised and is usually part of a pattern of coercive control. www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/financial-abuse/

With that money, I'd use some of it to get legal advice on the business and your responsibilities and a divorce ASAP. Lots of solicitors are open and working from home so can still give you telephone advice.

If it goes bust then you might be responsible for debts etc because it's in your name. Your credit history might be affected because of this so you need to get out of this marriage quickly. In the current climate lots of businesses are going to go under more quickly than you think.

I would also put the money under the kids name for now because if you die before you divorce your husband will inherit from you. Also look into making a will and maybe appointing a legal guardian for your children in case you die before your husband.

Is the business bank account in your mame?

Hell NO. Don’t tell him!!

No idea re: business account name. I will do some digging and see if I can find that out.

Do not tell him anything at all.
But for the sake of your children you've got to stop being stupid.
You could be ruined.
You could never recover from the damage he could inflict.

Get smart.
Get legal help.

Don’t tell him.

Arrange to rent a place to live and love out ASAP.

Once you’re out the house you can start working on everything else.

Dont tell him about the money.

Why is the business in your name without your agreement ? thats fraud you need to investigate this asap!

It never ceases to amaze me that women have children with their partners in these weird precarious arrangements.

Op you seem to sleep walk. Worse case scenario you could be in a world of trouble if the business did something illegal or fraudulent. Use the gift money to get legal advice and protect yourself. Your DP will fight back at some point.

Is he forging your signature? Surely if things are in your name, he needs you to have signed things? You really need to box clever and get legal advice. Don't tip him off that you're wising up to him.

How amazing is your sis in law!

A life line has been handed..
Don't let that out of the bag ffs!!

Is this SIL your sibling's wife, or his sister? If it's his sister, she probably knows all too well his true nature and is giving you a lifeline. Good luck.