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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I keep shut

56 replies

stoptherideiwanttogetoff · 03/04/2020 00:23

Living in a not so great marriage, to be fair if I could leave right now with these kids I'd be gone. Not my fault. I'm holding shit together hoping the storm will pass.. and it will. So SIL (very well off) has been in touch via email and decided now is the time to send me and the boys some financial support. She's in another country. Insisted on it .. repeatedly. I've agreed and today she's transferred a sizeable sum into a savings account. I don't immediately need this money but it's bloody helpful if the current situation continues. Thing is this has all been done without my husbands knowledge and I feel awful. She's made it clear it's for me to support me and the kids.

He's not been a nice man, or father for that matter. 2 years ago I discovered he was living a a double life, whilst working away. It broke me! I tried hard to forgive and forget for the sake of my children.. it hasn't worked and if I'm honest he makes my skin crawl. Would you tell the truth and let him know? He's has zero contact with her.. I email once a month or so to keep in contact. Thing is do I even care if he knows (this has crossed my mind) no, I don't! He spent an absolute fortune on his fancy piece back then.. lots of holidays away while I looked after our little ones alone on my own salary.. I know the marriage is dead (that's a given) funny how life can put things into perspective eh. I have no control of finances in this house, we had a discussion the other day about 'what if' one of use got sick .. I know nothing about his business, the finances or potential debts he or the business has. I gave him the opportunity to share this information with me - as I have done in the past, nothing! Wwyd

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/04/2020 13:08

You would be crazy to tell him your SIL has given you this money. I beg you to keep it to yourself.

raydeeo · 03/04/2020 13:54

A thought, but would depend on how much your SIL knows and understands about your relationship with you husband.....could she take the money back so that it is not technically yours but when you need it she can 'pay' for a deposit/fees or whatever you need etc. This would avoid you having assets in your name that can be taken or used for purposes that would not benefit you and your children.
I can imagine with all that is happening it makes everything more difficult to arrange and cope with. All the best

wheretonow123 · 03/04/2020 13:59

I was wondering the same - is the SIL his sister?

KittyKattyKate · 03/04/2020 15:14

Please, please, please do not tell him about the money!!! This is going to be your lifeline in times to come. You are not hiding anything because you’ve not been asked about it.

When you say ‘struck off’ do you mean by the Financial Conduct Authority or was he a lawyer/in the medical field?

madcatladyforever · 03/04/2020 15:19

Why on earth would you tell him. Are you mad?
Use the money to get away and start divorce proceedings.
You can be sure that during divorce proceedings he will demand half of it if he knows about it and he'll get it too so say nothing.

RandomMess · 03/04/2020 16:24

You know he is operating illegally you need to get away and sort it out ASAP

Original poster
stoptherideiwanttogetoff · 03/04/2020 20:46

Apologies, not been online all day. Like most my focus is now juggling kids/school work / wfh and running cafe and laundry..!

It's his sister, I think she knows indirectly of his vile double life through his mother who I had a wonderful heart to heart with last Christmas time. Turned out his dad did a very similar thing to his mother.. sadly she stuck by him for years. His sister who's the eldest knows how it destroyed her mother. Struck off as in not a mile to be a company director / own a company. This is why he's used my name and some half whit friend of his who has no idea of his previous shady business past. The more I write this stuff the more I realise I'm in deep and need professional advice.

OP posts:
BackseatCookers · 03/04/2020 20:55

Struck off as in not a mile to be a company director / own a company. This is why he's used my name and some half whit friend of his who has no idea of his previous shady business past. The more I write this stuff the more I realise I'm in deep and need professional advice.

I know you've just said this but I'm reinforcing it - you need to get this looked into independently without his knowledge as soon as possible. Honestly, as soon as humanly possible.

He could be getting you into debt / bad credit / even legal issues if you are a named director.

Please look into that as a matter of urgency!

GotTheCityOnLockdown · 03/04/2020 21:43

Check yours credit score with one of the free sites OP. See if any credit's been taking out in your name unknowingly.

Never, ever tell him about the cash. That money has now put you in a strong position for when the time is right.
Can you search for Woman's Aid without him seeing?
If you can, their website contains information about what you need to take, ways to get out, plans you can make..

I'd start making copies of important documents, getting ID/birth certificates/passports (especially the kids' - keep them with you at all times!) together, bank details...

Good luck. Thanks

GotTheCityOnLockdown · 03/04/2020 21:47

Oops, forgot to add..

Make sure you get documents/photocopies together in a way that he doesn't know.
Tread very carefully and don't give him a chance to catch on - it's like a game of poker; showing him your hand just makes his life easier.

And, I really can't stress this enough, get the kids' passports (if they have one) and keep them in your possession at all times until a court order or something is in place.
These scumbags are capable of anything.

pisces12 · 03/04/2020 23:24

Hi OP, I am an accountant for small companies. If it is a limited company you can search the business name on companies house where you will be able to see the directors name and shares, and view the company accounts.

If you are the only director, you can actually file a ds01 online at companies house which will dissolve the company. If there are two directors you would both need to sign

If it is a limited company, you are a separate entity to the business so any business debts wouldn't then be yours.

And I definitely wouldn't tell him about the money from your sister

pisces12 · 03/04/2020 23:27

And to me, our clients usually get struck off for not paying taxes to HMRC so they get closed down and then can't set up another limited company, that may not be his reason though.

oofadoofa · 04/04/2020 08:38

What would be the benefit, what would you and your children gain, from telling him? It would just create drama and conflict.

If there is a very wealthy relative who has you and your children’s interests at heart, that might be a good sign that the time is right for you to take the leap and leave.

Thatnameistaken · 04/04/2020 09:03

Use a portion of this money to get solid legal advice, and advice on how to untangle yourself from the shit he's got you into with having his dodgy dealings in your name prior to divorcing him.

Thatnameistaken · 04/04/2020 09:04

Bad grammar there. 'Then divorce him'

Peignoir · 04/04/2020 09:07

Keep the money for yourself and leave him? I don't understand why you didn't leave him in the first place? He's trash.

Bluntness100 · 04/04/2020 09:16

Op, I think you need to be honest with yourself. You might not be able to leave now due to corona, but you could have two weeks ago. It doesn’t seem you were making any plans to do so.

Now you are considering telling him about the money, causing a problem with him and his sister and ensuring he gets the money so you can’t use it.

If you’ve no intention of going, then be honest at least with yourself.

strawberry2017 · 04/04/2020 09:25

Do not tell him about the money he will only make you waste it.
Use this as your escape plan, I suspect that's why SIL gave it to you.
I echo what a PP said you need to get yourself some legal advice too and then get far far away.

Original poster
stoptherideiwanttogetoff · 04/04/2020 12:39

@Bluntness100 I wanted it to work for my children, but I know now we are actually better off without him around. I've spent months focusing on making sure all the bills are paid, CC paid off etc. I did this in preparation to be more self sufficient. My mental state wasn't at all right until the beginning of this year when I gave myself a good talking to. Self medicating with wine in the evening just to get some sleep away from the crazy dreams wasn't my best plan. I'd recently increased my hours to help also (this has backfire somewhat as my invoices are paid to his company). But I hope you get the gist. I've been trying hard to refocus and find a way out this shit storm, not because I want to move on and be happy with someone else! More because I want my children to grow up knowing this sort of behaviour is absolutely not acceptable. I have no desire to meet anyone else or ever trust anyone ever again. I have been weak for sure, the money from the SIL is indeed a twist of fate at a bad time in the world. I won't tell him, in fact if it's mentioned I'll just deny knowing what the heck he's talking about. Once lockdown is no more I'll seek the help of a professional accountant (I've been embarrassed to do so up until now as I feel so stupid) .. but I shall suck it up and find a way out of this. I should add a paper from his mother no one knows what he's done.. again too embarrassed to let people know how I've been treated. What a fecking mess..

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/04/2020 13:02

Accountants and solicitors are still working. New email account, pref new mobile phone he doesn't know about so it's not connected to cloud etc and start sending emails asking if they specialise in x y z...

If you are company director how come you don't have access to company bank account???? Are you a signatory even?

FazakAli · 04/04/2020 16:27

I've just had my will amended, my solicitor emailed me the draft to check over & add any amendments. She then drafted the final copy & I popped into the office to sign in front of 2 witnesses who were tbh e receptionists. Don't delay this until lock down is over, start the ball rolling now because if something awful happens you'll be in deep shit. Start getting legal and financial advice from an accountant and solicitor now. I can't stress this enough as time is against you with COVID-19 looming in the background.

NoMoreDickheads · 04/04/2020 16:58

Hell no, telling him is the exact opposite of what you'd be best to do. He would try and get at the money of course at some point- by coercing you or whatever.

That money will be great as an escape fund or to help you and the kids get set up in your own place.

I assume your SiL may well know that might be something you could consider and that might be one reason she's sent it to you.

He must be really bad OP, for someone to feel they ought to do this - and his own sister! xx

Gutterton · 04/04/2020 17:13

Be careful that the deposit doesn’t trigger a statement by post to your house.

Can she keep the money in her account to avoid him taking 50% in case it is rumbled?

Original poster
stoptherideiwanttogetoff · 20/04/2020 20:26

Hello all, just updating.. SIL did indeed send me an amount by bank transfer which I've put safely. She's most definitely being kind and his mother has said nothing but may well know. I've now been contacted by the government (local council) in relation to a small business grant / fund available to me as the business owner. He see the letter, stood over me whilst I applied (I wasn't keen to do so, he was insistent..) I needed to provide bank details for this and he wanted this to be his or the he business details.. I refused and used my own. It was a big red flag to the financial control I've been under. Since Saturday I've been asked daily if I've heard anything.. even if I do I'm reluctant to say.

OP posts:
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