Shall I tell his wife about your affair?

[IWillHaveAnotherOneThankYou]

Hello all,

I am fairly new here, I actually just registered because I'd really like to know people's opinions on my situation.

In autumn last year I became close to my then colleague. He was newly separated from his wife, but not divorced. They have three kids (a 4 year old and 1 year old twins). He'd moved to a small rented flat and left his wife and the kids in their home. The plan was, as he told me straight from the start, to start the divorce in summer 2020 because apparently that's when his wife's widowed mother would officially retire and move in with his wife to help with the kids (they're apparently a bit of a handful).

He said that his wife doesn't know about us because it's better this way apparently. He indicated that it may be easier for everyone to tell her after the divorce to keep 'things in check', whatever that means.

The thing is that we didn't hide our affair very well at work and as a result I lost my job because of that (it wasn't so straightforward but essentially it came down to the fact that one of us had to go and as he was senior, but not my manager, he was more 'valuable' for the company and so I had to go). That was in January. I have got over it more less by now, however, as he's an experienced IT expert, he was head hunted for and was offered a better job elsewhere and left the company a month after me to start in his new, better paid job. So the sum total of this is that I've lost my job but cannot find a new one easily, at least not in my line of work, because most companies have temporarily frozen recruitment, whilst he's enjoying a great step up in his career. Unfair much?

To top it off, just before the lockdown he moved back home (apparently for the sake of the kids so that they don't suffer without seeing him for the duration of the lockdown) but his wife's mother is apparently there as well, supposedly helping with the kids and he confirmed that she's taken the guest bedroom which would mean that he's back in the marital bed with his wife. So there is he with his wife and her mother and of course the three kids in their home, for the duration of the isolation.

Here is the thing - our relationship has become rather sour, I'd even say non-existent during this lockdown period. Previously he would message me a 100 times a day, but now I haven't heard from him for a couple of days. Previously he would be super affectionate, lovey dovey, planning our future and generally being swept of his feet by me etc etc etc. Now, at my age (36) I approach this love bombing with caution but I think he really was genuine when things were great. I don't understand what's happened but I feel very hurt by the sudden lack of his attention. When I asked him about it, he didn't really say anything.

I went from feeling sad, to confused, to super angry. When I consider that I lost my job because of our affair (I know, I know, I took part in it voluntarily) but he smoothly transitioned from one job to another, it makes me fume inside. He used to be all lovey dovey treating me almost like the love of his life - this went on consistently for months and now nothing. I don't hear anything from him at all. Not a beep. I've tried to initiate some contact this week but he came across as distant and all his affection/love/ enthusiasm for me was gone.

I am super angry. I am also feeling lonely (I live alone). I am jobless and generally things are not easy. I probably came off as a bit of clingy when trying to talk to him this week, that's not my usual self. He always admired how strong and independent I am. And now I was almost begging for attention. It's not a situation I've experienced before and my ego is taking over my rationale. The last straw was when tonight I saw him bragging to someone about his new job on LinkedIn. I really, really feel very close to letting his wife know about us....They were separated anyways and according to him, the divorce proceedings were to start in summer. It just seems so very unfair that he seems to be getting away with everything and coming across as the good guy (a responsible father who didn't want to be separated from the kids too long and a reliable breadwinner who quickly moved to a better paid job). Nobody knows about our affair - well, apart from people at our old office, but deep down I wish he suffered a bit too. I know it's awful to admit this, I should probably be the better person here but it's very, very hard. Normally the right thing to do in this situation would be to move on and find someone else, with better circumstances but I can't even date anyone else because of this lockdown! Part of me deep down wants to let his wife know which would, potentially, make their isolation situation rather unpleasant, hopefully for him mainly!

Thoughts please? I think I know what you all will probably tell me - that I should raise above it and let it be and move on. But that's that one thing that it's hard for me to do and I dont' even want to do that if I am perfectly honest. It feels like I am the one who is paying for everything but he's is breezily running through it all with flying effing colours...

Oh come on. He wasn't separated and you know it deep down. It was the 'go ahead' you needed to justify it to yourself.
Now you're rattled like many affair partners are right now because Covid has put the mother of all spanners in the works. Your affair has ground to a halt and he and his wife are probably growing closer, being forced to spend quality family time in these odd circumstances. Sucks to be you.
Tell her if you want- the wife deserves to live her life according to her own informed decisions after all- but time it better.

As a wife who was cheated on I would have preferred to have been told . At least her eyes will have been opened and even if she chooses to stay for whatever reasons she will at least know the reality as opposed to finding this or another one years down the line .

Do it if you think it would make you feel better OP.

However when I was much younger and found out I was the OW (he lied, had separate 'single' social media accounts and never told me his real name, it took a lot of snooping to find out), I decided that I didn't want to put his GF through the heartbreak.

In my relationship before that I had been cheated on.

I don't know what's right or what's wrong, I just didn't want to be the cause of all that upset.

He is a prick and deserves all the payback, but IDK if I would do it to another woman with kids. Though I know some fall on the side of 'she deserves to know'. Probably not while we're in isolation though.

I think from the wifes POV I’d prefer this timing, her mum is there for support and he can piss off back to his flat they don’t have to be stuck together 24/7

It would be the emotional equivalent of throwing a hand grenade into a packed lift.

If there were no kids involved then I’d say go for it. But the wife and children don’t deserve it. They are innocents in this. Plus with the recent news of men annihilating their families during lockdown, I personally wouldn’t want to do anything that could put someone under massive pressure and potentially cause harm. So no. Please don’t try and tell his wife at this time. If you just then at least wait until lockdown is over and she can throw him out.

You have made some very unfortunate mistakes. He's not interested anymore. Don't prolong the torment. Cut it all off like the gangrenous limb it is and work on yourself. Block him on everything and move on. Karma will get him in the end

Note to self for the future:

Don't have affairs with married men even if they say they are separated

Don't display your love life at work

Don’t tell her, have you thought for one minute how hectic it is to work full time and home school? I don’t have pre schoolers in the mix, but that would make the small window of free time available even smaller.

You lack empathy and are not looking at it from any other perspective aside from your own.

Right now, I don’t have time to do much, I have 2 children a home and dh and I are working flat out. If your chap is in IT I don’t doubt he is working 12-15 hour days at the moment.

Do not make your self look like a nutter because your paranoid. Paranoid is no reason to run a lockdown home environment for those children.

If he likes you he will return. Simple.

Paranoia

OP, he’s a bastard. He has shat all over you and waltzed off into the sunset with his wife and kids

But

You still have your own life to lead and your own self esteem to rebuild. Telling his wife might make you feel better for a while but you don’t know how she’ll take it. She might be in denial and shrug it off; she might turn on you and create problems; she might have a nervous breakdown and both her and the DC will suffer. She might of course immmediately see him for the no good piece of shit he is and chuck his pathetic arse out, but even if she does, how does that help you? Him being miserable won’t make you happy, and it might result in worse for you if he gets nasty, but no matter how miserable he feels it won’t undo the wrong he has done to you, and it’ll still be you who has to pick up the pieces and put your life back together. Him being broken won’t make you whole I’m afraid.

I understand your desire to fuck his shit up. I understand how much you want to see him suffer, see him fall, see his life in tatters and all his hopes and dreams dashed, like he has done to you, but seeing all that still won’t undo all the wrong he’s done and it won’t put it right.

As someone who has watched a man who has done me wrong go on to irreparably fuck up his life of his own accord, I can tell you that it makes no difference to me whatsoever. seeing him in a state gives me no satisfaction whatsoever when I still have to get up and walk on. It’s not that I particularly care what happens to him, it’s just that I’m indifferent, I’m quite happy if he leaves me alone.

People like this man might appear to live a charmed life but the chances are they’ll come a cropper at some point, with your help or not.The trick is to get yourself to a point where you couldn’t give a shit either way, because if you do give a shit then they are still taking up your emotional energy and keeping a hold over you.

at the bottom of all this you just want him to know he can’t fuck with you and get away with it, which is understandable, I get it, but the best way to achieve that is to just get on with your life and live it the best you can without even considering him. He’s proved himself to be a selfish twat so anything he feels will be only in relation to him, and trust me when I say this, the biggest injury to his ego will be your indifference.

Does your ex employer have a specific rule that no consensual relationships can happen? Is this always the case, anyone else been sacked? You need to go the legal route with employment tribunal.

agree! Focus on the unfair dismissal, put your time and energy in that.

He has possibly got back/is getting back with his wife. Lockdown isn't making the vast majority of separated people move back into sharing a bed- kids can still see a parent they don't live with during it.

I was in a FWB relationship with a married man and I discovered the bloke was a very dodgy person.

I'm waiting until after lockdown to tell his wife all about him. My theory is that a lot of couples are staying together for lockdown, but if people's marriages are shit they're not going to have a good time, and by the end they'll be sick of each other. So if I tell her after lockdown, she'll be more likely to leave him.

But- could it be said that when it comes to his marriage, he didn't do anything wrong in dating you? He was separated and most separated people start dating etc before they get a divorce, as they are living as a single person and are no longer in a couple with their spouse? Churches or something might see it as wrong for someone to date for those (usually several years) before their divorce comes through, but most people don't.

Don't get me wrong, I really can see why you are angry. Xxx I'm waiting till after lockdown to make my move and I suggest you do the same.

His wife mightn't even be bothered (unlikely maybe IDK) as they weren't a couple at the time.

@Smilebehappy123 How very thoroughly you have missed my point, which was that calling anonymous randoms on the internet 'hypocritical wankers' because they have a different opinion to you makes you sound about 14.

Tricky, but if I was the wife I would absolutely want to know. I think forwarding messages is childish and spiteful, I would just send her an open and frank message and if she wants to know more she can contact you.

His wife probably has no idea and thinks he's been missing her the whole time... I would definitely want to know so I wasn't pandering to this bloke.

How far away was his rented flat from his family home? Was he really renting it because they were separated .. or because he said he needed it for work and it wasn't feasible to commute & return home every evening with a demanding job etc etc.?

Also there does seem to be something dodgy about the way your ex workplace dealt with the relationship and your redundancy, worry seeking legal advice.

Some solicitors offer a first free session, CAB might be able to help, or done specific employee rights organisation.

. I think forwarding messages is childish and spiteful, I would just send her an open and frank message and if she wants to know more she can contact you.

Actually I don't agree at all - it's the most efficient, effective, simplest method of showing her, with proof, what her husband's been up to.

She would only ask for proof anyway, who wouldn't.

Op will be dismissed more easily as a liar/stalker/fantasist/troublemaker etc if she doesn't demonstrate that he was involved in a two way "relationship" with her.

You have done nothing wrong except jump into bed and a relationship with a man who was newly separated. Alarms should have been ringing in your head when you started a relationship with him. Even as you said it was just sex in the beginning, why would you want to have sexy with a newly separated married man. Why would you want to continue a relationship and fall in love with a man who hasn’t been away from his wife for 5 minutes and doesn’t want to tell her about you. Why weren’t the alarm bells ringing?

You are been dealt a shitty hand there is no doubt about it but ask yourself this how do you think YOU will feel after you have told his wife? Is it going to make you feel better? Will you feel smug?

His wife might already have an idea especially if he moved out, maybe your just a number in a long line of women before you and his wife knows.

I always think the wife should know that her husband/boyfriend is cheating on her if the person that’s telling her is doing it because they genuinely feel sorry for her but in this instance I think your doing it for revenge on him not because you feel anything for her and that’s just because of what you’ve posted. It just feels like your saying well this has happened to me and I feel this and I’ve lost that so I’m going to tell her, and I admit you have lost a lot but if your going to tell her do it for the right reasons and I’m not sure you would be doing it for the right reasons.

If I were you, I would be going down the legal route with regards to you loosing your job, get your employment contract out, get your “redundancy” paperwork out and read through it. Get on a phone to a lawyer (they are working from home) for some advice. Once you have that contact your ex and tell him your going down the legal route with regards to your job, guaranteed he will shit himself because he will be brought into it (he won’t be able to hide anything if you have text messages, phone logs, emails) and obviously people from your previous employment will be able to back your relationship up and his wife might get to know that way, then it won’t have been you that told her.

You NEED to concentrate on what is important and that’s YOU, not him, not his wife or kids. You need to get a job and you need to find out if your dismissal was legal and above board.

Good luck to you

Honestly forget him, don't hurt his wife and kids.

She's not. The man involved did this already.

You’d be hurting his wife and kids when they have never done anything to you.

No, no she wouldn't. She's not the one who cheated. The hurt has already been caused, the damage already done. By telling the wife you just enable her not to sleep-walk into years of further deceit.

The logic on here!

Only read page 1.
He is currently keeping you dangling on because you might create a scene. He's checked out.

Telling his wife will not make you happy. You will ruin her and their DC's lives.

Better to think of some way to get back at him.

You could have a STI scare or a pregnancy scare - you can have tests delivered so CV not an excuse. Do not text or e-mail this news.
That would have him crapping himself for quite a while. 'Should he or shouldn't he tell his wife?'
If you are going to use that one, you need to not be clingy but horny when he contacts you.

You shat on your own doorstep, fell for all the talk, and he got away with it.

Seek advice about losing your job.

You don't deserve better.
You deserve the pain and sadness you are feeling.
Jesus that poor woman a 4 year old and one year old twins and your fucking around with her husband.

Of course I'd tell his wife if he didn't have kids...but I think because he has children I probably wouldn't want to drag them into something that could hurt them, so I know I would just move on from him quietly.

They're already in it. Whether it comes out now when they're tiny or when they're old enough to remember the fallout, it's unlikely the man and his wife are going to live happily ever after. Does putting it off until tomorrow really help anyone? It just causes the wife to potentially waste more time with this guy- she may decide to forgive it and move on, but she should make her decision in possession of all the facts.

@Bloomburger So nobody separated can start a new relationship?

Do you think the OP is wanting to tell to protect the wife and let her know the truth?
She wants revenge, pure and simple.