Does an abuser know they are one?

[Fightingback16]

Does say an abusive husband know that they are abusive. Do they set out from the start with a plan in mind? Have they always been abusive and will they ever become non abusive?

I believe most abusers have simultaneous arrogance and low self esteem that's well hidden inside their superiority complex. A bit of an oxymoron I know. I think the psychological abuses can be the worst. Their abuse is sophisticated. Calculated. Designed. Totally mind warping to the victim. These are the, real jekyll and hydes. Charming to work colleagues. Total vile snakes to their wives. But I still don't believe its actually done completely purposefully to cause pain. I think control is so important to them that they see it as a normal dynamic to a relationship. They think to control someone is to keep them. If they're controlling you (by fair means or foul) they're 'winning' if that control is, threatened it causes total mayhem and chaos and fear in their worlds. Totally warped sadistic and tragic thinking. It must stem from something but I don't know what

Ps I live in hope for all in a psychologically abusive relationship that I have firm belief that nobody can constantly fake who they are and not let the mask slip. Most just will not be able to constantly do it in puic or at work. One day someone will push their buttons and I'm their inherent nature they'll show their true nasty little colours. It's just inevitable. And hopefully by that they'll fuck up and you'll have some allies.

Imagine having the power to cause someone to want to take there own life by twisting and moulding there minds to hate themselves when in fact the abuser probably hates himself . And all the while watching you squirm and sucking from your desperation. Cold and calculated. Might not be intentional but that’s what happens. I don’t think mine had a plan to do that to me but I think he was using me to help distract from the hate of himself.

My lovely ex got to excited by the death of my father. I think he got a bit drunk on my despair and he got too weird. That’s when his mask slipt.

How He Gets into Her Head: The Mind of the Male Intimate Abuser www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1855942208/ref=cm_sw_r_em_apa_i_gxxAEbBTMRXTM?tag=mumsnetforu03-21
Yes. They look for prey.

Exh was seen by everyone else as an amazing guy. No one else saw him decide my clothes and throw a tantrum if I wanted something else, grab my arms and paint my nails, push me down and paint my face so that I gave the image he wanted to allow me to go out to every planned function. If I told anyone, I was psychotic, crazy. He convinced everyone that my story was wrong. Whether he believed it is hard to tell...