I believe abusers know exactly what they are doing. They know how far they can push you. My ex from nearly 20 years ago was emotionally and physically abuse. I saw the signs and let them pass. I had rather low self-esteem and was flattered he wanted to date me due to his good looks. The abuse crept in but signs were obvious; digs about my appearance, my friends not really liking me, the fact that I irritated him, discussing how many women he could have. He would refuse to accompany me to an event if I did something wrong i.e. not as he wanted. He gas lighted me which made me doubt myself. He changed past conversations and became angry when I spoke up.
He would kick me, sometimes off his bed. Some nights he would banish me to the spare room and I would go in tears. He enjoyed having power over me. I still remember the smirk on his face when he brought me to tears.
I stayed for several years then called it a day. He hated that I ended it not that I left. Worst four years of my life - my confidence plummeted in every area of my life and took years to rebuild. A part of me is still damaged. I do not recognise who I became but I know why it happened. People do what you allow them to.
If you do not have the strength, courage or resilience others will break you down. They will test you. I was severely bullied as a teenager and contemplated suicide. I have learnt that I allowed it, I was scared, I was weak. I had no respect from my peers because I had no fight in me.
I have never been able to get over the fact that I could have kicked the shit out of the head bully and stopped it in its tracks. I felt powerless at the time.