Should I leave my relationship of 30 years after the lock down

[willkeegan]

We've known each other for 30 years and married young (we're in our early 50's). My wife is a really good person, we know each other better than we know ourselves, we're good friends and ostensibly have a good, comfortable life. Together we raised two kids who now have their own lives. There is so much to appreciate and celebrate from the last 30 years. We've had our ups and downs and had a trial separation recently, had some therapy and worked hard on things and are now back together. Neither of us has had an affair.
Deep down I think I am free spirit, not constitutionally the marrying type which is ironic given we're coming up to a big anniversary. While we were separated I felt alive and whole, which is strange as the romcom fable is that we should feel that way when we're "married happily ever after." I don't want to hurt her or the kids, in fact that's the last thing I want to do. Even as young adults they really need us. Frankly, I've also always felt I am "punching," she could do better than me, but she says she loves me including my flaws. There are quite a few, I can up and down, I had some tough stuff happen when I was a kid, but mostly I have tried to be a good dad and husband. My friends tell me, your marriage is good, you're a fool to contemplate giving it up. Others tell me a relationship has a lifespan and it's healthy to recognise when it has run its course. I feel there is a fine line between authenticity/freedom and selfishness/wanton destruction.
Yes, this is a mid-life crisis, no there is no other woman (or man), sports car etc. Rather the pandemic lock down has me re-examining my life and asking what is best for me / us for the next phase of life.
Thank you.

It’s easy, way too easy to judge other people and in the anonymity of a forum give the OP the moral tongue lashing of womanhood aggrieved, as some are doing.

I don’t read this post as anything other than a man trying hard to work out what to do with the last precious part of his life. His marriage and his family are enormous factors.

We are each of us entitled to selfish thought. We come into this world alone and go out by ourselves. The short period we have of life affords consideration. Most of life there is little time to explore this but the rise of feeling that this isn’t right or not optimising our life is one not all of us are happy to live with.

I’m female. Married young, been together 30+ years. And I’ve spent the last two years trying to work out similar feelings. Also went for some couple counselling, also had my youngest expressing disapproval. I care very much for my family and indeed my husband. But I’ve had to be honest. It’s been hard and I’m not sure where we will end up but we are now trying to talk in a constructive way to find a way forward without blowing the past 30 years up in smithereens.

Mid life crisis has become such a derogatory dismissal. It’s often the first time in our lives we have space to think and the time left sharpens our minds. It’s true the grass isn’t always greener, it’s true that there’s always compromise ...but it’s obvious the OP is not unthinking, is asking for people’s thoughts so can’t we just do that?

You are not alone OP

I also really liked your post @WaterIsWide.

It was similar to my thoughts.
I’d like to touch more on the cooking. You say you’re now cooking 80 percent of meals since lock down. My immediate thought was why? Who decide this? What about the shopping and cleaning? Who is doing this? I’m assuming not you because you would have mentioned it.
I would expect there to be a discussion about household chores and for them to be shared out in a way that makes everyone happy

Your post makes it sound like you just decided to do the cooking and your wife is making passive aggressive digs because
A. You’ve taken the job you like for yourself and left her the dregs
B you expect huge amounts of praise for doing it
C this is typical of your behaviour and if she raised it then your response would be incredibly negative

Granted passive aggressive digs are not great but what would your honest response be to her if she said well actually I’d like to do more cooking and you to do more cleaning.

The snipes are emotional abuse and reveal a deep contempt. The fact that this was addressed in counselling and is the cornerstone of your agreement to try again and has been shown v quickly not to be sustainable tells me this marriage is over.

Your DW must be v unhappy to behave in this way. I would put her out of her misery.

I wouldn’t live the rest of my life beholden to one of my DCs - where did they learn to be so manipulative?

Hi @willkeegan,

I agree with @Squarepegina and @Gutterton. I have recently distanced myself from a relative who used to belittle me using 'banter'.

I came to realise that they had a profound contempt for me! Life is too short to spend it with people like that. Your wife does not seem like a nice person to me at all. Your youngest may well be like her mother and have similar traits/just be sympathetic to her.

My friends often come to me for advice, and I turn and say to them "when things are right, you don't need to ask".

I would also ask you to explore the following questions: what would you do if you won the lottery tomorrow?

Good luck.

After we split and I discovered MN and did some reading I read that banter and jokes are a common theme in narcissists behaviour.

Squarepegina

It’s easy, way too easy to judge other people and in the anonymity of a forum give the OP the moral tongue lashing of womanhood aggrieved, as some are doing.

I don’t read this post as anything other than a man trying hard to work out what to do with the last precious part of his life. His marriage and his family are enormous factors.

We are each of us entitled to selfish thought. We come into this world alone and go out by ourselves. The short period we have of life affords consideration. Most of life there is little time to explore this but the rise of feeling that this isn’t right or not optimising our life is one not all of us are happy to live with.

Mid life crisis has become such a derogatory dismissal. It’s often the first time in our lives we have space to think and the time left sharpens our minds. It’s true the grass isn’t always greener, it’s true that there’s always compromise ...but it’s obvious the OP is not unthinking, is asking for people’s thoughts so can’t we just do that?

Very sage words from @Squarepegina, and I reckon words that speak (or should speak) to all of us.

@Squarepegina ..eloquent post, I believe everyone is entitled to live their best life, for themselves, you only go round once. (Of course you should aim to do as little harm as possible, but sometimes it is unavoidable )

I’m sorry the relationship counselling hasn’t worked out for you, OP. A therapist’s job in working with a couple is to look at your relationship history, what’s going wrong with the communication and to point that out; they should neither be invested in you staying together or splitting.

A few things your counsellor might (or might not) have asked: what did you learn about relationships growing up? What was the start of your relationship with your wife like, and can you pinpoint when it began to slide for you? Do you know what her ‘take’ on your difficulties might be? If you are both the same age, she’s likely to be approaching menopause and that’s one mean mutha to deal with (just adding a cringey phrase of my own for good measure). I’m struck by your sense she could ‘do better’ - I wonder where that perception comes from? And I’m struck by your children’s insistence you stay together - sure, it’s not easy at any age to accept your parents might be unhappy, but your children are adults. Not sure if these are helpful questions. They are the ones that come up for me on reading your posts.

I think that you need to be tolerant of your children, as they are at a stage in life when they want to have faith in relationships and are just beginning the process of looking to find someone themselves.

Why should they be more understanding than our middle-aged selves? The expectations are too high.

*I think that you need to be tolerant of your children, as they are at a stage in life when they want to have faith in relationships and are just beginning the process of looking to find someone themselves.

Why should they be more understanding than our middle-aged selves? The expectations are too high.*

I think that it’s a much better role model to show your kids that critical controlling behaviours are unacceptable emotional abuse and the consequence is leaving. You have done this once and returned on the understanding this wouldn’t happen again. It has - so I would feel better modelling not being a volunteer to abusive behaviour and showing your ADULT DCs how to know their worth.

That's fine and on one level I completely agree with you, but young adults aren't necessarily going to see it as 'Dad standing up for himself against abusive behaviour', at least not now. They are going to see it as 'Dad leaving Mum, again.' So they will respond emotionally rather than rationally and the OP's daughter has already indicated as much. With the best will in the world, that is the place she is in. Perhaps in time she will look back and make up her own mind about the health of their relationship, but it is unreasonable to expect that right now.