Is this abuse?

[Stimpy168]

Hi
Not sure what to do right now. Got a lot of issues and might read like war and peace.
So daughter was born by c-section (now 16 months). Hubby barely came into hospital after the birth, only with his parents. Soo struggled in hospital with picking up baby while alone while listening to all the other dads helping.

First night home and little one screaming and my boobs, wound and swollen ankles were agony. He’s shouting at me from bed to shut her up. Really nasty comments over and over. Crying we went to the sofa downstairs. Next morning he was sarcastic saying look at you family of 2 as if he wasn’t included. My parents came over and he was like a doting dad. Baby and me still struggling her unable to feed (turned out to be a tongue tie) and me in agony.

Because of the tongue tie I combination fed expressed and formula. Multiple times I had to walk and push pram to the shops days / weeks after surgery to ensure I had milk, medicines and other things I needed for daughter. My feet and ankles so swollen it hurt to put them on the floor. I have always kept my daughter quiet so we don’t get a repeat of her first night at home. This has ended up in co-sleeping and responding to everything very quickly. Hubby’s other two kids have come to live with us so I’ve tried to ensure she doesn’t wake them also.
This has led to a very strong bond between my daughter and I, so much so she ends up in the shower with me as she cries if I’m not about for more than a few seconds. So much so Hubby says I’m obsessed with her.

I got made redundant while on maternity leave. I carried on paying half mortgage and bills till my money ran out. Because the other kids are here now we decided I should stay at home. I asked about money and Hubby said.... he earns it 😢. After arguing he said if I need anything I can have it but I dared not ask for anything. Luckily I get the family allowance and buy my daughters clothes etc from that. I sometimes take 10-20 from the joint account to pay for baby clubs but I get questioned about it.

I do all the housework which has increased loads as his other 2 kids are total slobs. They actively make more mess knowing I have to clean it up. I do all the cooking and no one will help with daughter when cooking evening meals so she’s is usually screaming and I’m trying to look after her and cook. The older kids ignore my pleas to play with their sister while I sort dinner for everyone. I’ve tried for years with the kids but their mum has made them hate me.

I’ve asked husband to help with house etc and he says he now brings in all the money so he’s not doing any house work.

I’ve never to had any help at night with my daughter who still doesn’t sleep through. If I nap when she does and husband knows or at weekends etc. He makes nasty comments about me sleeping all the time and I’m lazy.

If I’m ill I get no sympathy. I had a bad chest infection for 2 weeks and was dead on my feet yet I got no help with cooking or housework. But it was still expected. Luckily I got online food shops but if I spend too much on food I get moaned at and apparently the food bill shouldn’t have gone up much when his other kids moved in

If I try to discuss any of this it gets twisted. Apparently the issues I have with his kids are my fault he sees no problems them treating me like poo. And have I ever thought how he feels, I’m selfish and like the boys mum ( narcissist whose just horrible).

Lock down has lead to more arguments. I tried to leave with my daughter yesterday to my parents caravan by the sea but the site is locked up. I can’t go to my parents because my mum is vulnerable. I’m living on the sofa bed in my daughters room, still cooking and cleaning for everyone but we’re not talking.

Am I being unreasonable as he says. Am I selfish? Is it me like he says?

Thank you

I’ve been video calling him everyday so he and our daughter can talk )she tries bless her). I don’t want him using parental alienation against me and I know it’s important for our daughter to have 2 parents.

After that tonight he’s informed me the boys have been in touch from their mums house and it’s not going well. She’s doing the usual locking them out when naughty etc. I just said poor kids then he sent an article about kids from broken homes and how it negatively affects them. So I Sao I won’t be guilted back. He’s been as nice as pie and said no he meant the other two and their behaviour. Hmmmmm sceptical over here.

Hinted to my sister in law (on my side of family) about sexual assault. After that I don’t think I could ever get close to him again.... makes my skin crawl just thinking about it. Maybe I should tell him that so he knows I’m not going back. He’s accused me of running off with someone as he doesn’t know where I am. I don’t want to be close to anyone like that right now. I feel like am asexual being right now. Guess I need to let myself heal. My daughter is my priority. The love I have for her is immense as I’m sure all mums love is for their children I am thankful for her in my life. I just need to figure out where we go and what we do next. When we can find a place after lockdown do I stay near her dad and brothers so she can see them easily, or my family or start where I think I’m likely to get a job. I don’t want to keep moving and unsettling her. I shall have to go back to work. I used to commute but the trains aren’t reliable and don’t want that problem working and fighting to get home:/back to her if I’m a single mum. Where I used to work is to expensive to live so I’d have to look at another city that’s cheaper but had that type of work I guess. My parents aren’t in the best of health so wouldn’t be able to help. So much to think of.

We’re already sleeping better out of the environment we were in. It’s amazing.

Thank you for your advice x x c

Thinking of you OP. You're so brave. Many of the problems you describe resonate with me and so find myself reeling on your behalf.

The only advice is to just focus on you and your baby. Not on him or his kids. Not on what society thinks. Visualize you and your daughter happy.

My 'D' H used to manipulate every situation and make me feel guilty about EVERYTHING. The abuse just piled up and got worse when I had to leave my job because of caring for my SN dd. Nasty vile things were said these if I tried to exert some control. But he said something, which was the stick that broke the camel's back. He continued saying nasty vile things but I CHOSE to ignore him.

Believe me, he had 20 years to practice things to say that really played on my insecurities and anxieties so that no matter how I cried and defended myself I always ended up doing what he wanted. To top it off my family would defend him if ever I said anything so i didn't bother much. To overcome him I've had to work on my own issues and insecurities.

OP you did the right thing. Don't allow him to continually manipulate and bully you. Be angry and say to yourself ENOUGH already.

Why do our own families defend them I can never understand that?

Chiming in again to agree with a PP: do not worry about him or his other kids. Their mum locking them out for bad behaviour sounds horrible, and if you are very concerned, you might want to call SS to inform them (they keep sources confidential).

Beyond this (and you obviously being upset because you are an empathetic person), this is not your problem. Parenting their 2 kids is between them, and if he were genuinely concerned about the "negative impact of broken homes" he'd be pulling out all the stops to mediate with his ex or go to family court to gain more custody if he thought them in danger. He is not doing this, he's guilting you.

As for facetiming, I understand why you are doing this but I really do think you need to give yourself a break and cut off from him for a while. 16 months is tiny and she is not going to forget her dad just because you took a week or two to get your head straight and to be more settled.

As for "living nearby so she can see her dad and brothers", take some time first to recover. His other children don't want to be with him alone, and given their past behaviour, do you think you daughter would be loved and properly cared for while there? But still, that is long term thinking (to be considered with a solicitor) once you have had some time alone to settle your own mind.

PS. Of course he thinks you've run off with someone else. How could you possibly just want to leave such an amazing, caring, loving, supportive partner?!

He says I’m painting him as a monster. That I cannot know the real him, if he was so bad why did I marry him etc. Is he that blind to his own actions? Is his internal reality that different that he cannot see himself clearly? It’s just odd.

He can say what he likes....he sounds like an absolute horror.

Clearly he is completely in denial...but who cares..

Do most rapists think they are bad people?

Do most abusers think they are are unkind?

Who cares what he thinks.

He has sexual assaulted you on multiple occasions and then tells you that it was a misunderstanding.

OP, try and focus on one little thing...look at your lovely little daughter...would you want your life with him for her?

Think about that.

Is your life with him what you aspire to, for her?

If she came to you and told you about her life with a man like your Ex, ......what would you tell her?

What would you advise her to do?

OP, try and love yourself, like you love your child.

You deserve to be treated with as much love and understanding as you would give your child.

You deserve NO less.

@Stimpy168
Please stop discussing things with him, remember JADE
He is trying to wear you down with questions.

I would allow a set amount of time for him to video call your daughter and for the rest of the time block him.

I spent over 18months going round in circles with my ex husband, he had emotional affairs so a very good reason to leave him but after I made him leave every few days he asked the same questions about why I ended it, that we did have good times, was he not good enough etc
He has poor mental health so for the first year I tiptoed round him explaining my decisions, then he would ask more questions and I would answer and so it would continue with us going round in circles.
After a year i started being harsher in my replies and telling him what a shit husband he had been but he still didnt get it and the same conversations kept happening.

After 18months i had enough and told him it was never to be discussed again and if he did i would block him, he couldn't believe i had in place boundaries and pushed his luck on more than a few occasions but he eventually got the hint although he is blocked on everything except email.

I honestly believe if i hadnt made some boundaries we would still be going round in circles even though our divorce is finalised and we split 2 years ago this month.

Men who are abusive will never, ever see that they were in the wrong.

Please put in place some boundaries, you donot have to reply to every text or every question.
You have the choice not to and if when you video call he starts again you give him one warning and if it continues end the call.
If not he will continue to control you from afar and you havent really escaped.

It seems like your a single parent already.
I would leave him ,you dont seem happy you seem scared,you cant live like that. Also keeping money from you is abuse aswell.

@Stimpy168 the only way round this is if you block him for a while. He's an abuser. They don't think like non abusers.

Block him and only FaceTime twice a week, if he starts speaking to you turn it off. FT is for him to see his DD not you.

Stay strong

OP, you live where is going to be best for you. Your little one is young enough that if you have to move a couple of times she will be able to adapt.

Regarding what he’s saying about his two boys. He’s trying to get you back by making you feel guilty about leaving them. Think about that for a second. He knows what his ex is like but he let them go back to her. I think you said they were 11 and 8 or around that, so young enough to be told where they are going to live. It’s not up to them at that age. Did he win residency through court? If he did, they may both be in breach of a court order by allowing them to go back and live with her. If SS were involved (and that had nothing to do with you) then I can’t imagine they would be happy about the children living with their mum. That is the type of man he is. He has willingly allowed his children to live in an abusive environment and is using his neglectful actions to try and guilt you into going back. Children from “broken homes” do absolutely brilliantly, when they’re not exposed to abuse like he is doing and permitting.

Try and stop wondering why he says things or does things as you will never get the answers you want. He will never admit he’s abusive or wrong. Everything is your fault. You are responsible for everything. You are the one at fault. You will tie yourself in knots if you keep trying to get answers. Free yourself by not questioning. Grey rock all the way.

Agree with PP and limit the FaceTime calls. They’re for your daughter’s benefit (and I doubt it’s a relationship that she will actually benefit from) and at 16 months she’s going to have a short attention span and doesn’t need daily calls. She can’t interact with him on her own so he will use it as an opportunity to control you.

Stay strong OP

Thanks everyone

Regarding his older kids the court order means he has residency but also states every other weekend with their mum and half the school holidays. We’re in the Easter holidays at the mo. I did say ages ago he should take it back to court as she continues to abuse and manipulate the boys. Believe me he’s the best of the two of them.

You’re right I don’t have to answer he’s just trying to engage me and make me feel guilty. Doesn’t help as eldest step son has started messaging me too.

What is eldest step son saying in his messages?

Remember he also treated you like a skivvy although I appreciate he is a child.

Do not be drawn in to discussions about the break up, just keep things light touch if you want to stay in contact for your own and yours daughters sake.

You do not need to explain anything to him and of course we dont know if he is feeding anything back.

Jesus.

See that phone of yours? Turn it off.

All it's doing is providing him with a remote method of control and manipulation. Read back your own posts, pretty much every one is "he's said this / done that / told someone the other," it's all manipulation and it's still happening. You've got a fish-hook in your mouth and he's yanking the line any way he can. Until you cut that line he wins, even though you've now left he's still in charge.

His kids aren't your problem. At 16 months your daughter doesn't need daily facetime talks with daddy, and arguably she doesn't need any contact at all with him until she's old enough to ask for it. Your notion that a kid needs two parents is laudable but it sounds to me very much like him talking. And it's demonstrably untrue, how much input has he had in her life thus far aside from a pay cheque?

Go dark for a month. Or six. Change your phone number. You need time to get your head sorted and he needs time to realise you're serious. If you're on video calls with him every day it's only a matter of time before he finds the right angle to make you go crawling back, the right threat or the right emotional blackmail, and I absolutely guarantee that he knows it.

Everything you do from this point forwards, do on your terms not his. To coin a phrase from another twat, "take back control." Because, really, that's what this has all been about from the start.

Every time you video call him, he wins.
Every time you email him, he wins.
Every time you react to his kids, he wins.
Every time you have something new to say about him on this forum, he wins.
Until you cut the fishing line, he wins.

Stop it.

Oh goodness me what a vile situation, I’d rather live in a bloody shed than live like this, he sounds a right bully, I’d contact women’s aid and take it from there, Good luck

Good post @UKCougar

Set up an email account for contact OP.

Drastically reduce his contact with your daughter.
In fact...
Take a month off from him completely as @ UK suggested.

Your head needs rest.

His children are NOT your concern. They have two parents.

Your daughter has ONE decent parent.

Your focus needs to be your daughter and yourself.

He's just noise, desperately trying to distract you from doing what's best for you both.

Block him out.

Any luck with WA or UC?

prod hello? All OK?

What a brave lady you are. Well done for leaving. Stay strong X

You need to tell him your not putting up with this any longer he doesn’t respect or seem to when care for you and he’s so jealous of your daughter. I feel sorry for the boys as they have been through a lot bit your can not stay in that relationship the way it is. Jesus he sounds absolutely awful. Get your ducks in a row and get out.

She has physically left him. She's staying with her parents.

OP - get a solicitor asap. Good luck with it all xxx

Op he is a vile man and you did so well by leaving him. Your future self will be so grateful that you left him, trust me on this one. Stay strong and keep looking forward, don't go back to him. Xx

Hi

Just wondering if anyone can help. I’ve got an appointment tomorrow to report the emotional and financial abuse to the police. I can do this without them discussing with him from what I’ve heard. However I’m wondering if I can discuss the sexual assault without them questioning him about it. I’m worried it’s my word against his, conviction rates are low and if he knows I’ve reported this he will no doubt make life very difficult in the future around child care. He’s also saying I’ve abused him now too which is very upsetting. I’m trying to do grey rock but it’s bloody hard.

Thank you

Saw your message too late to be of any use, so I hope you did OK Stimpy. It would be best to be completely open about everything that happened, but if you aren’t able to this time you can go back and add detail. You mention childcare in your message which suggests you think he will at some point be looking after your DD alone? Considering his history, is this wise? Sounds like supervised visits would be a better option. You’re doing great to have stuck to your new life, Stimpy, and I hope things settle down and become easier for you. Keep your happiness and well-being, and your DDs, as your priority.

Hi OP. How are you doing? And how did it go with the police.

I hope that you've been able to get some head space & that you've been able to limit his contact with you & your daughter for a while. You've been so brave to get out. Xxx