Is this abuse?

[Stimpy168]

Hi
Not sure what to do right now. Got a lot of issues and might read like war and peace.
So daughter was born by c-section (now 16 months). Hubby barely came into hospital after the birth, only with his parents. Soo struggled in hospital with picking up baby while alone while listening to all the other dads helping.

First night home and little one screaming and my boobs, wound and swollen ankles were agony. He’s shouting at me from bed to shut her up. Really nasty comments over and over. Crying we went to the sofa downstairs. Next morning he was sarcastic saying look at you family of 2 as if he wasn’t included. My parents came over and he was like a doting dad. Baby and me still struggling her unable to feed (turned out to be a tongue tie) and me in agony.

Because of the tongue tie I combination fed expressed and formula. Multiple times I had to walk and push pram to the shops days / weeks after surgery to ensure I had milk, medicines and other things I needed for daughter. My feet and ankles so swollen it hurt to put them on the floor. I have always kept my daughter quiet so we don’t get a repeat of her first night at home. This has ended up in co-sleeping and responding to everything very quickly. Hubby’s other two kids have come to live with us so I’ve tried to ensure she doesn’t wake them also.
This has led to a very strong bond between my daughter and I, so much so she ends up in the shower with me as she cries if I’m not about for more than a few seconds. So much so Hubby says I’m obsessed with her.

I got made redundant while on maternity leave. I carried on paying half mortgage and bills till my money ran out. Because the other kids are here now we decided I should stay at home. I asked about money and Hubby said.... he earns it 😢. After arguing he said if I need anything I can have it but I dared not ask for anything. Luckily I get the family allowance and buy my daughters clothes etc from that. I sometimes take 10-20 from the joint account to pay for baby clubs but I get questioned about it.

I do all the housework which has increased loads as his other 2 kids are total slobs. They actively make more mess knowing I have to clean it up. I do all the cooking and no one will help with daughter when cooking evening meals so she’s is usually screaming and I’m trying to look after her and cook. The older kids ignore my pleas to play with their sister while I sort dinner for everyone. I’ve tried for years with the kids but their mum has made them hate me.

I’ve asked husband to help with house etc and he says he now brings in all the money so he’s not doing any house work.

I’ve never to had any help at night with my daughter who still doesn’t sleep through. If I nap when she does and husband knows or at weekends etc. He makes nasty comments about me sleeping all the time and I’m lazy.

If I’m ill I get no sympathy. I had a bad chest infection for 2 weeks and was dead on my feet yet I got no help with cooking or housework. But it was still expected. Luckily I got online food shops but if I spend too much on food I get moaned at and apparently the food bill shouldn’t have gone up much when his other kids moved in

If I try to discuss any of this it gets twisted. Apparently the issues I have with his kids are my fault he sees no problems them treating me like poo. And have I ever thought how he feels, I’m selfish and like the boys mum ( narcissist whose just horrible).

Lock down has lead to more arguments. I tried to leave with my daughter yesterday to my parents caravan by the sea but the site is locked up. I can’t go to my parents because my mum is vulnerable. I’m living on the sofa bed in my daughters room, still cooking and cleaning for everyone but we’re not talking.

Am I being unreasonable as he says. Am I selfish? Is it me like he says?

Wonderful update, OP! So pleased you and your daughter are safe. I would do as others have suggested and block him for now, so he can't mess with your head and guilt-trip you into going back. Give yourself a few days to get yourself together and make arrangements. You've been so brave, keep it up!

Well done op. Hope you're doing ok today.

You have been so brave OP. You are setting a wonderful example for your Daughter

Hi thanks

So this morning the housing part of the council told me I wasn’t eligible for help with housing. This is because I’m in the mortgage (so have a right to be there) and he’s not actually been violent. I also could be liable for the cost of the emergency accommodation they provided as I’m not homeless as they think safe to return. The woman I spoke to was so patronising, unhelpful and had no empathy, I hung up as I got overwhelmed. So we re packed up my car while in floods of tears. I called a few people, non of who can help. I went to Tesco to get daughter some lunch and didn’t know what to do as phone battery was dying rapidly, really old phone!! A children’s social worker asked me to ring a place I could possibly get refuge and I’d left a message to not get an answer for hours and hours. Yet trey might not be taking anyone in. I was in a right mess, so upset as it’s not just me homeless I have my daughter with me. I contemplated going home but I’d made situation worse by leaving, if I’d known it was going to be like this I’d have kept my head down and stayed yet everyone I spoke to said they would help and I needed to leave. The big stumbling block was my name on mortgage apparently. How ridiculous is that? So I texted my parents and said I think I got to go back, there’s knowhere to go and I text him i was frightened as I had knowhere to take our daughter.

Luckily my mum and dad said Ww could go to there’s as I shouldn’t go back to him. But we are quarantined for 14 days in tiny room but safe. Unfortunately now I’ve wound him up more as he says he was excited I was going back as thought we could fix it. Now I really can’t as I’ve told everyone the truth and they know what he’s like. I feel guilty for bad mouthing him to my family. I’ve only told the truth but I feel bad. I don’t want my daughter to hate her dad.

You are safe, stay there and sit out your quarantine.
Use the time to seek legal advice about divorce and finances.

I stayed with a man for 6 years longer than I should have because I thought it was best for the kids.let me tell you now... what affects them more is the toxic relationship. The split didn't even register on their radar. It felt like a ten tonne weight had been lifted. And only once your out can you look back and see what you truly put up with. I sat through broken ribs, bust faces, smashed up house, insults, abuse and basically took it.
Please please get out now.

@Stimpy168
The homeless team at the council have to prevent homelessness and they did that by telling you that you're not homeless because you are on the mortgage of the house. Plus the DV thing having to be physical is a lie.
But ignoring that side the lady did her job, she prevented you being homeless so that's a tick to her.

Only the people who shout the loudest yet the help, if you cant stay at your parents long term please call Shelter for advice,they will write to the council on your behalf and usually they will then get you into temporary accommodation but please bear in kind that some of this accommodation is really awful so if you can stay with your parents you should.

The other alternative would be a womens refuge, the decision to go there is the Womens aid charity and nothing to do with the council.

I agree with others that you need to use your time wisely and start getting advice on the business in your name, the divorce and the house.

Get the business dealt with first as you need to claim Universal Credit so you have something to live on and they will think you are drawing an income from this business.

Just wanted to add that you are a brave, courageous lady to leave.

OP, well done for finding a solution.

Do not worry about telling everyone what utter scum your husband is.

You are protecting your daughter by being away from him.

Please, as others say, find a solicitor to help you re the house and business.

Keep contacting Women's Aid for advice.

I am so sorry that the women who dealt with you was so bad at her job and chose to lie to you. She should be ashamed of herself.

I'm so glad you are with your parents. Thank goodness they wouldn't let you leave to return to that pig.

I could have written your post about my exh. Refusing to help. Screaming at me to shut baby up. Having an affair " because I was so miserable all the time" financial abuse. I almost died giving birth to our son, emergency c section, hospital for 4 weeks and the day I came home he refused to even put a washing load on. Stood over me screaming I was lazy when I passed out due to illness and exhaustion. When I left I remember just utter, utter relief and joy. I had more money and could spend it how I liked. I could do what I wanted without fear. I didn't feel sick anymore at teatime knowing he was coming home. When I was I'll I could leave the house a mess and lie on the sofa with a picnic with my son watching Scooby Doo videos all day. Please please please no matter how hard it gets , hold onto this.

feel guilty for bad mouthing him to my family.

Don't feel bad tor telling the truth! Your safety and wellbeing is more important than what anyone might think of him.

I’ve only told the truth but I feel bad.

That must be an exhausting feeling, you know you were right to stand up to him, yet you feel bad about it. I hope all the replies here can help you to change your perspective and to start feeling good about standing up for yourself. Is is possible you get some counselling via phone or skype as we are in lockdown at the moment?

I don’t want my daughter to hate her dad.

Then you have done the right thing removing her from an abusive home. She has a much better chance having a ok relationship with her father if she doesn't see him abusing you daily.

also, what about YOUR relationship with your daughter? you realise that you will have a much better relationship with her if you are not in an abusive environment yourself.

I know I should block him but there just seems unfinished business. Plus I’m putting our daughter on FaceTime to see her dad and brothers. He’s moaning she will forget him that the other two don’t want to live there without me and sister and want to go back to their awful mum. Plus after ss got involved he’s worried he will now lose all his kids and is very angry with me coz they got involved.

He’s trying to put the blame everything on me and actually said I don’t do enough as he and the older kids get no attention since our daughter was born. I said I’m too exhausted and short of time, maybe if people helped me and I was allowed to sleep then I’d be able to function better.

Had a conversation with my mum and dad and feel they don’t want me here. After saying I can’t go back to him they’re now questioning why I’m not going back saying “he’ll have to buck his ideas up and change” I really don’t think he will change. But now I’m feeling guilty putting on them and well unwanted.

Because of what my mum and dad said I reached out to him saying even if I wanted to come back nothing would change and he started saying it would. But then because I said I’m being cautious and not coming back straight away I need to think about it he got nasty again so I think that’s answered that for me and there’s no way back.

I tried to apply for universal credit but the digital identity thing doesn’t work. I emailed the help desk desk and it’s nearly been 72 hours. It’s not like I can go in and sort this out with this blooming virus lockdown. I need to start getting myself sorted. I want to help and give my parents something at least towards food etc. It’s all such a mess and I have always worked before and had my own money.

I've not read the full thread op but as soon as you said he told you to shut her up on that first night. That would have been me packing my bags at that point. I'm so sorry you're going through this and even more sorry you don't feel you have the strength to leave. You absolutely do.

So sorry I've just seen your recent updates. You cannot go back, he is abusive. Maybe not physically, but financially, emotionally, psychologically. He WILL be the same with your daughter. Be strong OP!!!

All the things he his saying to you now are just showing you how terribly abusive he is. Do not believe a word he says about what your mum and dad think. If his own children don't even want to stay with him without you there then really that shows you how horrible he is.

Hello OP,

I've just read this entire thread, I am so sorry to hear you are going through all this. I'm not sure I can add much more than previous replies have advised, only that you are amazingly strong getting away from him, especially in this current situation.

There is no going back, he will not, as your parents said 'buck up his ideas' he has a pattern of behaviour which will not change unless he sees himself for what he is and that is not going to happen, he will never take responsibility for his actions and words. Like all narcissists he blames everyone else.

Please stay where you are at your parents, I know you feel you may not be wanted there but you and DD are safe.

Stop doing anything for him or his kids and leave the second lockdown is over.
Ring the police immediately if he threatens you.
Tell his kids they are little shits and you will not be cooking or cleaning for them anymore.
Jesus, do you even need to ask if this is abuse? You are no more than a servant to them all.

And I just feel devastated for you. How dare they treat you like trash

OP,
I know things are difficult now but you are safe.
Please read your opening post again...that was your reality....horrific.

His kids don't want to be with him because he is a prick and you were the house slave doing everything while they all abused and used you.

They could care less about you or your daughter, but I have no doubt they liked having a house skivvy.

He doesn't want to look after his children.

He wants his slave back.

He is a completely nasty, vile man.

You have gotten away.

You are so brave.

Nothing will change.

Stay where you are even if its difficult.

Tell your parents that you understand it may not be convenient for them but you are protecting your darling daughter from a horrific abusive childhood.

You are amazing, even if you don't feel a bit of it.

You are amazing.

Stay strong and ignore your parents inconvenience......your safety and that of your daughter's trumps that.

Go to your parents and isolate in a bed room for two weeks. You dont need to see your mum
Then your free and after two weeks you can see her. Two weeks in a bedroom sounds better than a minute more with that man x

OP my story is similar in lots of ways to yours but I left several years ago and have no regrets. It will be hard having to go through whatever trouble he brings your way but day to day your life will be so much easier and happier without him.

Stay with your parents until you can sort something else.
Do not go back to him.
As PP said, even his DC don’t want to be left with him.

@Stimpy168
Underneath the digital verification on UC is a button to click to say you cant verify, click on that and submit your claim.

Then ring the number it gives you to book a phone appointment and they will verify identity during the appointment.

Wait times on the phone are 1hr +.
Sometimes you will be given a phone appointment automatically so check your journal

@Stimpy168
You will still get texts and emails telling you to verify but ignore them the main thing is to get the phone appointment booked.

And by the way you have done so well to leave, your parents are just confused by the whole situation and dont hzbe any idea what it is like to live with an abusive partner.
They do care and want you there really.

Thank you I’ll try that. I’ve never had to claim benefits before x

So now he’s quiet very very quiet. I tried to do FaceTime yesterday so my daughter could see him and the boys as the boys went to their mums in the afternoon for a week as it’s Easter holidays. I’m worried because he’s now alone and can get depressed when he’s alone.

I didn’t say and haven’t told anyone that about six weeks ago he wouldn’t stop a sexual act in the bedroom when I repeatedly asked him to stop and he wouldn’t. I tried to push him off but couldn’t. Eventually he stopped because I was crying (I was abused as a child and he knows) then made out he thought I was saying stop because I liked it?? Anyhow he’s been on at me for weeks that he hasn’t gotten any. After that I didn’t want to it’s like all trust had gone. I tried once but I froze. He went on and on about it “idled me for sex to get our daughter but now I never get any”

Are all men knobs?