Is this abuse?

[Stimpy168]

Hi
Not sure what to do right now. Got a lot of issues and might read like war and peace.
So daughter was born by c-section (now 16 months). Hubby barely came into hospital after the birth, only with his parents. Soo struggled in hospital with picking up baby while alone while listening to all the other dads helping.

First night home and little one screaming and my boobs, wound and swollen ankles were agony. He’s shouting at me from bed to shut her up. Really nasty comments over and over. Crying we went to the sofa downstairs. Next morning he was sarcastic saying look at you family of 2 as if he wasn’t included. My parents came over and he was like a doting dad. Baby and me still struggling her unable to feed (turned out to be a tongue tie) and me in agony.

Because of the tongue tie I combination fed expressed and formula. Multiple times I had to walk and push pram to the shops days / weeks after surgery to ensure I had milk, medicines and other things I needed for daughter. My feet and ankles so swollen it hurt to put them on the floor. I have always kept my daughter quiet so we don’t get a repeat of her first night at home. This has ended up in co-sleeping and responding to everything very quickly. Hubby’s other two kids have come to live with us so I’ve tried to ensure she doesn’t wake them also.
This has led to a very strong bond between my daughter and I, so much so she ends up in the shower with me as she cries if I’m not about for more than a few seconds. So much so Hubby says I’m obsessed with her.

I got made redundant while on maternity leave. I carried on paying half mortgage and bills till my money ran out. Because the other kids are here now we decided I should stay at home. I asked about money and Hubby said.... he earns it 😢. After arguing he said if I need anything I can have it but I dared not ask for anything. Luckily I get the family allowance and buy my daughters clothes etc from that. I sometimes take 10-20 from the joint account to pay for baby clubs but I get questioned about it.

I do all the housework which has increased loads as his other 2 kids are total slobs. They actively make more mess knowing I have to clean it up. I do all the cooking and no one will help with daughter when cooking evening meals so she’s is usually screaming and I’m trying to look after her and cook. The older kids ignore my pleas to play with their sister while I sort dinner for everyone. I’ve tried for years with the kids but their mum has made them hate me.

I’ve asked husband to help with house etc and he says he now brings in all the money so he’s not doing any house work.

I’ve never to had any help at night with my daughter who still doesn’t sleep through. If I nap when she does and husband knows or at weekends etc. He makes nasty comments about me sleeping all the time and I’m lazy.

If I’m ill I get no sympathy. I had a bad chest infection for 2 weeks and was dead on my feet yet I got no help with cooking or housework. But it was still expected. Luckily I got online food shops but if I spend too much on food I get moaned at and apparently the food bill shouldn’t have gone up much when his other kids moved in

If I try to discuss any of this it gets twisted. Apparently the issues I have with his kids are my fault he sees no problems them treating me like poo. And have I ever thought how he feels, I’m selfish and like the boys mum ( narcissist whose just horrible).

Lock down has lead to more arguments. I tried to leave with my daughter yesterday to my parents caravan by the sea but the site is locked up. I can’t go to my parents because my mum is vulnerable. I’m living on the sofa bed in my daughters room, still cooking and cleaning for everyone but we’re not talking.

Am I being unreasonable as he says. Am I selfish? Is it me like he says?

I will leave. That much is clear, in the past he has helped a tiny bit say wash up after dinner etc. to placate me but always returns to the same. I just don’t want to call the police etc. To get help do they have to be involved?

I don’t think the insinuation was you are abusing your DD but that your husband has unreasonable expectations of how she should behave already, the abuse is from him.

Yes sorry if that came across as me saying you were abusing her - I meant he is (and also abusing you by putting you in the position of having to keep her quiet, avoid disturbance, move to a sofa etc. For that matter sids is more common on sofas ... So he was risking her health as well by pushing you to go elsewhere, where the only place you could go was a sofa. *He" should have been the one to move to a sofa if it had to be done. But if only had to be fine because he was totally unreasonable and unsupportive).

*done

I just don’t want to call the police etc. To get help do they have to be involved?

I'd try women's aid first perhaps.

They had an online help thing too - if it's still up.

He’s made me feel guilty in the past that if I left it would separate the kids and they love their sister. And that he wouldn’t be able to work and look after boys and they would have to go back to their mum.

Thought I'd responded to this...

No, he can do what any single/resident parent does - childcare, juggle work, family help if available ... What does everyone else do?! It's not your fault he had kids with an unfair parent. (Not that he sounds fit himself).

I've said it already but please call women's aid. Even if you just say 'i think I am in an abusive relationship and don't know what to do' - they will help you

Thank you everyone. I’ve emailed woman’s aid today as I don’t want him to overhear. He overheard me talking to my mum a couple of weeks ago about how hard I was struggling with the older two kids with the way they are with me and the mess and grot (they don’t help, won’t listen to me, are barely toilet trained and they leave toilets etc so gross so when I’m desperate for a wee I have to clean the loo before I can use it etc.). Well let’s just say he overheard what I was saying and really unhappy with me about saying anything. So I’m trying to do everything hush hush. When I tried to leave yesterday I snuck some of my daughter and my stuff into my car over days and left when no one would notice right away. Trying to get it back in unnoticed was harder.

Someone asked what happened with my cheating ex..... well he ran off with the person he had the affair with. Is still with her, he used to email saying how bad he felt and that he always thought we’d get back together but I’d remarried. I mean what a scum bag, not a fan of his new gf as apparently she did all the chasing when the affair started but doesn’t deserve that. Anyway he was a very kind caring man who helped at home and I taught him to cook etc. We’d been together for 11 years and although the miscarriages took their toll on us and my mental health at the time I never thought he’d do what he did. Totally destroyed my confidence, when I was grieving for our dead babies and needed him the most. I know he was grieving too and tried but that’s when he turned on her shoulder to cry on and it went from there I guess.

I’m sorry to read of your losses Stimpy and that your ex was too selfish to understand you were both grieving (and his grief alone is not an excuse for turning to another woman).

I’m so glad to read you have contacted womensaid in a way you feel most comfortable with and I do hope they can offer some assistance soon, it sounds as though his DC are still relatively young? I’m guessing he leaves it to you to parent them as well but won’t let you discipline them?

Abusers never like to hear you talking about them how you feel with others, even those as close as parents because they like to play a part in front of family and friends; anything that takes away from their narrative is a threat in their minds I’m afraid

Not very good at picking men am I 🤣😭. I’ve tried with his kids for years, their mum hates me (for no reason it’s not like we had an affair) the kids know this and are disrespectful to him and me because of the way she speaks about us etc. I even caught his youngest telling my daughter she doesn’t have to listen to me or do as I say. Clearly what their mum has told them. I’ve given up trying to get them to help me / clear up after themselves or get them to do homework etc. I do try to get them to be respectful to each other and their sister. Hubby says I moan at them too much which is to say o try to get them to wash, clean teeth, clean up after themselves, do homework etc. Nothing more than a normal parent would but they are really lazy. So I’ve given up. Not my circus not my monkeys but I have even more crud to clean etc. I hate dinner time because I get so wound up trying to cook for a load of ungrateful people who won’t help entertain my daughter as she cries when I’m cooking. I put her in her high chair in the kitchen with me and try to keep her entertained as I do it while trying to keep her safe. It just annoys me that they can hear her cry but their computer games are more important but they’d soon moan if they didn’t get fed.

I’ve been there - not very good with men and made some poor judgements in hindsight (one left me in over 40k of debt - but this isn’t about me).

It’s all well and good him saying you moan at them too much but he doesn’t bother stepping in, so it sounds like they’re emulating him too, he doesn’t lift a finger, why should they? He treats you like a servant, so they do too. It’s a horrible position to be in and I wish I could help you more OP. Do what you can to keep yourself calm and collected whilst working on your next steps. Have you read about the grey rock approach to use when he goads you? Might be worth a look

Well I’m kinda doing grey rock without even trying. Not interacting with him. Just cooking and cleaning and spending time with my daughter while keeping an eye on the other two as he works in his office all day. He Works from home anyway. Once the kids are in bed I go to bed on the sofa bed in my daughters room. Bit of a crap existence but saves any arguments and nasty comments. He just did a bit of drying up after dinner so doing he’s usual to try and make up again. Not this time. Enough!

Oh honey! This isn’t just abuse it is one of the worst posts I’ve ever read on here. The situation with his ex and their kids wasn’t any of your doing, yet now it’s fallen on you to raise/feed them. Fuck that.

Down tools. He will quickly find out how much someone who doesn’t earn money is actually worth.

Also, are you present when he bathes your daughter?

He sounds horrific.

Get rid of the sack of shit.

I’ve been present but not so much. I use that time to run hoover round or clean something etc. Usually hubby and all kids are in bathroom as older two go in shower while little lady is in the bath. I really don’t think he’d hurt her.

He does know I left the other day. Guessed I came back coz caravan site was closed. Laughing at me that my parents don’t want me there when I can’t go to there’s because my mum is really vulnerable if she got the coronavirus. Sneering and nasty that I could go to my mum and dads but they don’t want me. Totally untrue. Just coz of this virus. Sorry I’m sitting in the dark in my daughters room tears streaming. He did the “the kids will have to go back to their mums, you said get them here”. I supported and helped him get them here. Now it’s like he doesn’t want them here if I’m not here to help 😢😭

Oh you poor woman.
Your posts are heartbreaking to read.
You know your parents would love to help you but you are thinking of them.

This is such a terrible situation but you need to get away from him.

He is a horrible, horrible man.

You know this.

You and your dauggter deserve so much more.

Please think.is there anyone irl who can help you at all?
Friends or family?

If not, please take your chance and go to the police and ask for help.

They know that women like you are going to be in difficult situations with the lockdown.

This is NOT you.

This is him.

His choices.

Please protect yourself.

You sound so lovely.

You also sound like a very strong woman.

You have survived a lot.

You can do this.

Protect yourself and your child.

You and your daughter deserve so much better

Please leave tomorrow.

Please leave

@Stimpy168 He won't give the kids back to their Mum, not if she's neglectful. It's all part of his guilt trip to try and stop you from leaving.

Please please please go! Get in touch with women's aid, maybe even go in the middle of the night and call police from your car to get you and your daughter a place in a Refuge. They do NOT have to approach your DH and investigate if you don't want them to. They can just help you find somewhere to go.
If you have the means, some Travelodges & Premier Inns are still open. Might be an option for a night? Women's Aid can get you a flat in a Refuge within a few minutes.

Feel free to PM me if you need any advice. I've lived in 2 different Refuges and I also know the benefit system very well so I can advise one that also

Just read this and agree that you need to leave as soon as you can. Its sad about his other children but really not your problem, you have to protect your own child

Is it possible for you to go to your parents and isolate in another room for a week til you know you don't have CV?

He’s been going on at me all night via message. Making me feel guilty excuses for not being there or helping post c section. Had the kids apparently (they were with him 3.30 pm till 9 am one day I was in hospital) doesn’t excuse the other 4 days I was in hospital or how I’ve been treated since.

Really hard as he’s making out I don’t want his kids here, that I don’t care about him etc. Asking if I love him. Trying to make me feel guilty, asking if marriage means nothing to me. To be honest I don’t love him anymore, for him to not care about me over a long time diminishes how I feel about him. Does that make sense. Trying to go grey rock. Bloody hard.

So in front of the kids this morning he tells them I left and I will be doing again. Has also told me my family told him I run away from my problems. Really feel I have knowhere to turn right now.