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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh said that I was cancer

53 replies

Teaandbed · 01/04/2020 20:18

New low for us. We don’t call each other names - well until today. Ten years in.

I caught him out in a lie. But what really shook me was he was adamant he was right, had a smug face and raised his voice, was speaking to me like an idiot - probably to try and convince me he was right.

Only I proved him wrong. And rather than apologising and holding his hands up he tried to come up with stupid and confusing explanations. He must really think I’m an idiot.

So we had a text argument and he came out with that little beauty. He wants to split up too. Which I’ve agreed.

I’ve been a SAHM for 8 years whilst supporting him and even working at his business. I’ve got nothing.

This could possibly be the worst time to split up but how can we not now?

OP posts:
happytoday73 · 01/04/2020 20:21

I'm so sorry.. Lots of people will be along with more practical advice... But here is a BIG HUGFlowersCakeWine to keep you going....

category12 · 01/04/2020 20:22

If you're married, you have half of everything.

Windyatthebeach · 01/04/2020 20:23

Surely the best time? Better than stuck in with such a twat...

Original poster
Teaandbed · 01/04/2020 20:26

Thanks for the responses.

Regarding finances I would get half of everything but right now this minute I’ve not got my own income coming in. I really don’t want to be another benefit single mum statistic, I had a really good career before I gave it up for the kids

OP posts:
LimescaleCowboy · 01/04/2020 20:30

So he wants to split up, where's he sleeping tonight?

Arsehole.

category12 · 01/04/2020 20:30

But nothing is going to happen instantly - it takes time to disentangle, and given corona probably neither of you are going anywhere fast.

Can you go back to your career in the medium term?

category12 · 01/04/2020 20:31

Do you have access to the finances?

HollowTalk · 01/04/2020 20:33

You won't necessarily have a 50-50 split, OP. I had more than that because I'd gone part-time to look after the children.

Original poster
Teaandbed · 01/04/2020 20:35

LimescaleCowboy he is currently in the spare room in bed. And yes he is an arsehole

category12 I possibly could. But it would be at the bottom of the ladder again - but still worth looking in to.

He’s never spoke to me like this before. I know it’s because I cornered him in the lie. Obviously his true colours are showing. I feel really calm about it though. Which is odd.

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 01/04/2020 20:35

I'm sorry? I really don’t want to be another benefit single mum statistic

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time but that's actually not a great attitude.

Original poster
Teaandbed · 01/04/2020 20:36

category yes I do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Teaandbed · 01/04/2020 20:38

Hollow the kids would be with me the whole time apart from when they see him at weekends as his work is very long hours

OP posts:
Original poster
Teaandbed · 01/04/2020 20:39

candy apologies if I’ve offended you. I’ve been a benefit single mum. It’s really hard and it took me a long time to get out of it. I don’t want that life again.

OP posts:
FAQs · 01/04/2020 20:39

That’s so sad that you might become a woman with no income from your own to career to a woman with no income from your own career. Maybe time to become more independent.

HappyHammy · 01/04/2020 20:40

Tell him to stay away from you. Get your paperwork together, copies of bank statements, passports, birth and marriage certificates. Is he making arrangements to move out. How old are dc?

ALovelyBitOfSquirrel · 01/04/2020 20:42

Sorry you're going through this OP. What was the lie?

LuluJakey1 · 01/04/2020 20:45

Is this all to do with today or is there a back story? Are you both sure you really want to end a 10 year relationship? It is such a stressful time at the moment- might you not feel differently in a while?

category12 · 01/04/2020 20:45

In the morning, get started on getting legal advice. Life is often a series of starting over.

IAmLegendaryExtra · 01/04/2020 20:46

Ten years of marriage just like that? Hmmmn think we’ll and hard, he was wrong and way out of line but if it’s just this one argument then it might be worth taking stock of everything and seeing if it can be worked on rather than just walking out.

goldpartyhat · 01/04/2020 20:46

In my own experience, if you feel calm about an insult or a lie or even cheating, it's because you've stopped caring about him. Start planning your exit strategy

Missh07 · 01/04/2020 20:46

This reply has been deleted

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CandyLeBonBon · 01/04/2020 20:47

What life exactly, @Teaandbed?

flowerflies · 01/04/2020 20:48

Keep your powder dry for now. Given the CV situation, he probably can't go anywhere else. Is he working from home, if so you may not get much privacy to start sorting documents etc. Make quiet plans and when you can start copying/photographing documents etc. If you stay low key at this stage he might be lulled into a false sense of security and think you won't go ahead with the separation/divorce, and so won't start hiding stuff himself! Remember too that you will be allowed out to flee an abusive situation should things come to that.

Original poster
Teaandbed · 01/04/2020 20:53

ALovelyBitOfSquirrel I asked him to do something for me as I’m not well. He said he couldn’t do it as something was broke on it. When I questioned it he kept repeating ‘it’s BROKE!!’ When I asked him if he’d checked a certain aspect on it, he shouted ‘YES! It’s BROKE’ incredulously like I was fucking idiot. He doesn’t usually speak to me like that. He then had to go and do an errand so I got up and checked. He hadn’t checked the certain aspect of it and it worked fine.

It was a ridiculous lie. He could have said ‘oh no I didn’t check that’ but instead he pressed on with trying to make me feel like a dick.

So I messaged him. Asking why had he lied. And it went from there.

There has been so big situations in the past where his honesty has been called in to question. That’s why he won’t apologise because he knows it will all unravel when he admits he is a liar

OP posts:
bigchris · 01/04/2020 20:53

This is why I never stopped working even when we were making a loss by sending the kids to nursery

Long-term having your own money is so important

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