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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh said that I was cancer

53 replies

Teaandbed · 01/04/2020 20:18

New low for us. We don’t call each other names - well until today. Ten years in.

I caught him out in a lie. But what really shook me was he was adamant he was right, had a smug face and raised his voice, was speaking to me like an idiot - probably to try and convince me he was right.

Only I proved him wrong. And rather than apologising and holding his hands up he tried to come up with stupid and confusing explanations. He must really think I’m an idiot.

So we had a text argument and he came out with that little beauty. He wants to split up too. Which I’ve agreed.

I’ve been a SAHM for 8 years whilst supporting him and even working at his business. I’ve got nothing.

This could possibly be the worst time to split up but how can we not now?

OP posts:
bigchris · 01/04/2020 20:55

Sounds like normal bickering to me between a couple cooped up because of a pandemic . Unless yourother examples are major ones are you sure you're not over reacting

Nomorepies · 01/04/2020 21:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

HappyHammy · 01/04/2020 21:16

Are you just fed up and bored with each other. He lied about something. You checking could have wound him up. Sometimes its the trivial things that make you realise you're not good for each other and being stuck indoors makes everything ten times worse. Do you want to split up and get a divorce.

AwrightDoreenTakeAFuckinDayOff · 01/04/2020 21:22

Cancer? How lovely.

He sounds as though he is the human equivalent of crabs to me....

I would forgive a lot of things. Lying fucks me right off. Just as much as a reluctance to say sorry if you are found to be wrong or lying.

Thinking of you OP. Flowers

Original poster
Teaandbed · 01/04/2020 21:27

Nomorepies I think il ready to split up tbh. We’ve been patchy about a year now but generally we just muddle on.

Happy I’m not fed up with him ( maybe I am deep down) I could have worked at it because it’s not bad but for your husband to call you cancer, for me is really bad. We don’t normally speak to each other like that. That has come from somewhere deep inside him, it’s not something that would normally roll off his tongue

OP posts:
Original poster
Teaandbed · 01/04/2020 21:28

AwrightDoreenTakeAFuckinDayOff thank you.

OP posts:
starsparkle08 · 01/04/2020 21:29

Awful thing to say to you Flowers and a terrible time to live through these difficulties with the current coronavirus situation.

agonyauntie2020 · 01/04/2020 21:33

LuluJakey
Is this all to do with today or is there a back story? Are you both sure you really want to end a 10 year relationship? It is such a stressful time at the moment- might you not feel differently in a while?

This.

Original poster
Teaandbed · 01/04/2020 21:42

There is a bit of a back story. His fidelity came in to question quite a few years back. He swore it was untrue. I never fully believed him but I had no proof. Every time he lies it brings me back to that day.

I never lie. I just don’t. Even if it will get me in shit. So I find it really hard to accept when others do it.

But also it was the look on his face when he was trying to convince me he had checked. He made me feel like a dick that I was even questioning him.

OP posts:
LuluJakey1 · 01/04/2020 21:52

Might you be able to talk about it in a few days and explain how you are feeling about it? Would he listen?

HappyHammy · 01/04/2020 22:22

Lies can destroy the trust between you both. Calling you a cancer is an awful thing to say. If you're unhappy then think about what life YOU and your dc want and deserve. Flowers

FizzyGreenWater · 01/04/2020 23:51

You're done.

Everything in your posts scream it.

You don't believe he was faithful.

He knows you don't believe it.

That kind of hatred at being caught out... it's because when you do, you tap into the very core of him, which is a pathetic liar who has already shitted things up and he knows it.

So huge huge stuff going on under what happened today.

I am not surprised you are calm, it totally sounds as if deep down you knew this would have to happen and at some level, the fact that he has shown himself to be so awful - saying something like that - has basically given you that green light you needed.

That's my take on it.

I would hit the ground running here, because he will turn on you completely - you've shown him that you're better than him, you see. You're not the cheat and the liar and the person who says such bile, and he will hate you for that. So - immediately - check the finances, and get your CV going NOW. I know you can't do anything right now, but you can make sure you have copies of documents, get your ducks in a row. Don't tell him this. Let him think it's simmered down if you can - it will put you ahead. And start looking for jobs, and think childcare, and solicitors. If you've been SAHM and gave up your job for the kids you should get way more than 50%. But get a good solicitor!

Original poster
Teaandbed · 02/04/2020 09:24

Morning. He just got up out of the spare room said morning to the kids and walked straight out the door to work. Didn’t even see each other and I’m glad.

Have a weird flat anxious feeling.

Yes fizzy he knows I see him that’s why I got that reaction. He is very similar to his dad. His dad is a compulsive liar and it seems the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree.

OP posts:
AnPo · 02/04/2020 17:33

Horrendous thing to say to you OP. A defense mechanism for sure as liars hate being caught and will always flip it on to you but it was an utterly contemptuous thing to say.

Like fizzy said I'd start quietly getting things organized while he's out of the house. Sorry you're going through this Flowers

YRGAM · 02/04/2020 18:58

I would sit down and talk first when you are both calmer. This doesn't fit into the LTB mentality on this board but this seems a minor thing to end a marriage over.

KittyKattyKate · 02/04/2020 19:17

Next time he says you are cancer just roll your eyes and say you wish you were with a doctor, not him.

HollowTalk · 03/04/2020 10:29

Sorry, @Teaandbed when I was talking about the 50:50 split, I meant the financial split.

Original poster
Teaandbed · 03/04/2020 11:34

Thanks for the messages. He is really raging at me. We’ve actually not seven seen each other for two days. I had blocked him off my phone on Wednesday as I was getting text after text. So unblocked this morning and sent a long message saying that I hope we could get through this with out being nasty and what would be a fair outcome financially.

I’ve just had a barrage of hate filled messages off him such as he’s never hated someone so much as me in his life, if I knew how to treat a man properly this wouldn’t be happening.

I actually don’t know where all this is coming from. We’ve had a rocky couple of years but I really wasn’t expecting this hate.

OP posts:
soannya · 03/04/2020 12:07

Don’t rise to it and save the messages. Just send the same message over and over again. “I’d like your opinion on what a fair settlement would be please. I’m going to contact a solicitor to get the ball rolling. Could you please give me your solicitors details” be calm, matter of fact and direct. If he dares write he expects you to work on the marriage just say “you told me I was cancer. Rude. Vile. I’m very surprised you’re still keen to try after your many disgusting outbursts. You need help. I’m done. Please send me your solicitors details” he’s trying to break you down. Don’t let him. Vile creature.

soannya · 03/04/2020 12:10

I disagree with the poster above. There’s no way I’d stay with somebody who called me cancer! No way. This whole virus thing has shown you get a limited shot at life. Do you really want to spend it with somebody so mean? For Christ’s sakes, spend your precious life with somebody who actually likes you and says nice things to you! Yes everybody argues but that’s beyond. That’s vicious and now has broken the trust line of what’s acceptable. If he can do that then he’s binned in my opinion. Time to move on to nicer pastures.

FizzyGreenWater · 03/04/2020 12:21

I actually don’t know where all this is coming from. We’ve had a rocky couple of years but I really wasn’t expecting this hate.

Guilt.

He cheated and he knows that's what the 'cancer' is here.

And - anger, because it came to nothing (obviously) and now he knows he's fucked up and he cannot blame anyone but himself.

All completely under the surface, all absolutely definitely the reason for all this.

MitziK · 03/04/2020 12:27

Honestly, what I think is that, going by your PPs, he's been cheating (or trying to at the very least and was turned down), has already got the bollockache over having to stay in and your knowing when he was lying means that, like a trapped rat, he's responding with aggression. To suggest a separation/financial settlement when he thought that his anger and ignoring you would make you meekly accept what he said and grovel for his forgiveness has enraged him, as it wasn't part of his plan.

He's showing you what a nasty creature he is. Let him continue giving you evidence of abuse that can be used to protect yourself and your DC.

EmergencyPractitioner · 03/04/2020 12:38

Sounds like you lifted the scab and all the poison is pouring out of him.
He is showing you his vile underlying nature. He has zero love or respect for you so there is no relationship to salvage.

Screen shot all the abuse as evidence. Send to trusted relative and Hide it in an boring named folder.

Reply factually and calmly.

Ask him to leave.

Rant on here!

Good luck

HappyHammy · 03/04/2020 13:56

Agree with forwarding his texts to someone you trust then just ignore him. Dont reply. Has he moved out permanently yet.

LannieDuck · 03/04/2020 13:58

if I knew how to treat a man properly this wouldn’t be happening.

Presumably the way to 'treat a man properly' is to always agree with him, even when he's wrong?