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Original poster

I have messed up with DP and could really use some advice

71 replies

3ofusnot2 · 01/04/2020 07:59

DP and I have been together a year after meeting through OLD. He told me right from the get go that he lived with a female friend and her daughter, but there was nothing in it. After meeting her and her partner I was happy that their living arrangements were purely for financial reasons and no secret agenda.

DP became a fixture at my house with my teen DD over the weekends and one weeknight and all was happy, that was until his friend started having relationship problems. He had always looked after her daughter during school holidays for the time I'd known him as he is self employed so easy to have her tag along. Following the break up of his friend's relationship though our weeknight visits ended as he had to be at the house to look after the daughter as her mum left for work early in the morning. He has also always taken her to school.

I have always thought that she relied on him too much, I.e he takes her daughter to school, looks after her during school holidays and babysits of an evening if mother wants to do something - to clarify the daughter is definitely not his.

We've had a few minor disagreements about how his looking after her child has interfered in our relationship as well as just her neediness in general which has just had a plaster put over it and we've carried on. What angers me is she has left the daughter alone to go and see her boyfriend, but expects DP to be with the daughter every moment of the day if looking after her.

Things came to a head this weekend though. He was musing coming to stay at mine during the lockdown but can't due to looking after daughter (mother is a key worker, DP is not currently working due to lockdown). I had some important exam results due on Friday and have since been ill and I'll admit I became a bit needy and pathetic, telling him that I was angry how, if it weren't for looking after her daughter he'd be here with me now, and who knows how long the lockdown would last.

I explained how it would be different if the daughter was his as she'd be welcome to join us in the home and be part of us as a whole, but instead when he looks after her it's at his home and she's not his to try and incorporate into another life.

I said maybe we should just cool off during the lockdown as otherwise I'd drive myself crazy with the thought that he'd be here if it weren't for the housemate and her daughter (in case it doesn't come across, I really do not like the woman for various reasons but mostly I view her as using, manipulative and self-centred). Picking our relationship up once normality ensues.

Cue a text from him saying that he's told housemate that her daughter can look after herself during the day and he'll be staying at mine until the lockdown is over. This caused a big row between them, and now i feel like the total villain. Yes I'm happy that finally he's stopped being a doormat for her, but they have to live together ultimately (long backstory but they currently own a house together).

I just feel like the bad guy now and don't know what to say to him.

Btw, the daughter will be 14 this year.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 01/04/2020 08:21

I totally how you feel and I'd have probably reacted the same way, except I'd have done this much earlier...I haven't got the patience for things like that.

Don't feel bad about what you did.

LuluBellaBlue · 01/04/2020 08:24

At 14 she doesn’t need a babysitter!!!

Original poster
3ofusnot2 · 01/04/2020 08:27

LuluBella try telling the mother that. I have said it for a long time and commented to DP in passing that the daughter will have no confidence or self esteem if never trusted.

OP posts:
TheStoic · 01/04/2020 08:30

He’s made the decision that he wants to make. Why would you need to say anything to him?

SandyY2K · 01/04/2020 08:38

long backstory but they currently own a house together

They own the house they live in?

Have they previously been in a relationship?

Original poster
3ofusnot2 · 01/04/2020 08:44

Apparently they met through OLD 9 years ago but things never really kicked off. She has been married and divorced since.

Her moving in with him was relatively new when I met him, and shortly after they bought a new house together (given what he has said about his financial situation and mortgages on his old property, it kind of made sense). He does say that had he known him and I would work so well together (which we do, very much, if not for her) he would not have bought the house with her. They are now trapped at least until the end of the fixed term in August next year.

OP posts:
Original poster
3ofusnot2 · 01/04/2020 08:48

He told me that during her current relationship difficulties she commented to him at one point saying "to think I had a chance with you". I trust him 100%, I don't trust her at all (current relationship was a result of an affair with a married man).

OP posts:
DownYonderGreenValley · 01/04/2020 08:53

He does say that had he known him and I would work so well together (which we do, very much, if not for her) he would not have bought the house with her.

Do you mean he bought the house with her after he had started seeing you?

I'm very much 'live and let live' but this whole set up is a bit odd to me.

Sounds a little bit like she is needy and he likes to be needed. If that the case and you are generally not needy, I'd be concerned about it working long term. At the moment his need to be needed is being met by her.

You don't need to trust her. He will only cheat on you if he is a cheater.

user1493413286 · 01/04/2020 08:54

I don’t think you’ve messed up I think you’ve been perfectly fair. It’s a slightly strange scenario though to be honest with how they met and owning a house together.
It comes down to prioritising the relationship with you as in the current scenario he can’t please everyone

fedup21 · 01/04/2020 09:04

Her moving in with him was relatively new when I met him, and shortly after they bought a new house together

You were going out with him and he was buying a house with her. That is very odd!

Original poster
3ofusnot2 · 01/04/2020 09:10

@DownYonderGreenValley I think you have hit the nail on the head - he likes to be needed definitely, and she is very needy. Having been on my own for so long go by the rule of not relying on anyone if you don't want to be disappointed. He has said he has always wanted children but as it's not looking likely that will happen i think he uses her neediness and her daughter to fulfill that need as well.

Yes they bought the house 4 months after us meeting. Lots of financial issues have happened during their ownership which I don't agree with (split of bills, payments for things etc) but as long as the financial issues don't impact me and mine that's his choice. He buys food for my house when he's here so I will not get involved with what they have decided financially (though do voice my opinion from time to time).

He has told me that if the situation were reversed and I was living with another man in the same way, he's not sure he would be able to cope with it.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 01/04/2020 09:10

I think you are being taken for a mug, he clearly likes the cosy domestic scene he has with the other woman and her DD (& who on earth buys a house with a mother and a child if they are not in some sort of relationship Confused) and he likes to spend time with you for .... what exactly Hmm?

The whole situation is not exactly giving your own teenage DD a healthy view of what a relationship should look like is it?

Get rid of him, he sounds like he’s taking advantage of two vulnerable women plus their daughters .... very, very odd.

Original poster
3ofusnot2 · 01/04/2020 09:24

Ragwort although I think you're partly right as far as him enjoying the family feel in the household, it is honestly not as you suggest.

I think that he is the one with mug written on his forehead as far as the housemate goes. Her (still married) boyfriend is back living in their house, bringing with him 3 of his kids every other weekend (so 6 people on her 'side'), DP is with me every weekend and yet he's still paying 50% of the utilities. His argument being that's what they agreed at the start.

OP posts:
diddl · 01/04/2020 09:28

Oh that's all way too complicated.

Buying a house with one whilst starting up a relationship with another?

Fuck that!

Plus having to point out that he shouldn't be choosing a friend's daughter over you.

BigFatLiar · 01/04/2020 09:30

Would you be as upset if the person he was buying the house with was another man? Used to be not unusual for two friends to buy together when they couldn't afford to buy on their own, often cheaper than renting.

He obviously hadn't anticipated that you two would hit it off like you have.

I doubt the daughter feels she needs a chaperone at 14, though the way some teenagers behave its not a given.

So either as PP says he's taking advantage of two vulnerable women or perhaps he's made buying with a friend because its a cheaper way to live and he genuinely cares about the welfare of the girl. With the finances - don't know perhaps his friend is the one taking advantage of his good nature.

Not being of the 'all men are bastards' brigade I'd tend to go with he's simply in a financial arrangement cheaper than renting and he cares about the girl who he seems to be treating as a daughter. The living arrangements may be financially sensible but the caring for the daughter of his 'friend' is taking him for a mug.

TheVanguardSix · 01/04/2020 09:30

I don't think you've messed up in the least!
But I do think that this relationship isn't worth the utter head-fuckery that will constantly dominate it.
You're a better woman than me, OP.
Are you sure (and I mean this in an incredibly nice way, although it doesn't sound it) you're not the one with mug written on your forehead? I can't see this being good for your long-term mental health.

ednatheevilwitch · 01/04/2020 09:36

This all sounds batshit. He will not be able to easily extricate himself from his ex and the house. Is this what you want? I would give him a wide berth - lots of red flags for me!

Dontletitbeyou · 01/04/2020 09:37

So , he has a female friend , who he has bought a house with , 4 months after meeting you .He spends a whole lot of time looking after her 14 year old daughter.
It all sounds really weird . That said his financial arrangements are his business . I’d take an extremely dim view of anyone voicing their opinion of how I spend my money, as long as they were not being negatively affected by it . Just my opinion

Ragwort · 01/04/2020 09:42

Ask yourself honestly why you stay with him?

So many women put up with a half hearted relationship because they fell ‘it’s better than being on my own’. Is it, really? You are not on your own, you have a DD.

Anyway in the current situation he cannot live between two houses ... do you think it is appropriate that he moves in with you and your DD?

Lllot5 · 01/04/2020 09:45

Depends if the relationship is worth all the head space I guess.
We’ve all got ‘baggage’ and you just have to decide is the juice worth the squeeze.

Original poster
3ofusnot2 · 01/04/2020 09:55

I have always stated to him that the one thing he can feel secure in is that I'm with him because I want to be with him because I'm not afraid of being on my own. I've been on my own for so long and am more than self sufficient.

He is a lovely, generous, funny man and we have a great time together.

If it wasn't for the housemate, her dramas with her boyfriend, her daughter it would all be perfect.

When push came to shove past night he did at least put his foot down about looking after her daughter (apparently she didn't like that) but what happens the next time, and the next.

OP posts:
DownYonderGreenValley · 01/04/2020 09:59

@DownYonderGreenValleyI think you have hit the nail on the head - he likes to be needed definitely, and she is very needy. Having been on my own for so long go by the rule of not relying on anyone if you don't want to be disappointed.

In which case, this is a relationship need of his that you are never going to be able to fulfill.

MadinMarch · 01/04/2020 10:03

The daughter is only 13.
Op says she's 14 later this year.
That's very young to leave for long periods on her own, especially if she has to cook for herself when on her own.

AlternativePerspective · 01/04/2020 10:09

I think it’s one thing to buy a house with a female friend for financial purposes. I wouldn’t have an issue with that.

It’s quite another to buy a house with an ex and to continue to still live with that ex, essentially taking on her child as his own by doing all the looking afte etc to the detriment of everything else.

I don’t think he’s as over her as he’s telling you. I think he believes that if he makes himself indispensable to her then she will come back to him.

And why do you need to know that she’s kicked off? All he needed to tell you was that he’d told her and would be staying with you.

I would get rid personally. Too much emotional baggage, and even if they sell this house, they’re not exactly going to go moving on in different directions are they? He’s far too invested in that relationship and in the child.

RLEOM · 01/04/2020 10:10

Jesus christ, this man's life is one big wreck-of-a-red-flag! I wouldn't be surprised if there were still feelings there because why would a man live with his ex, buy a house with her and look after her child like a step dad? All very odd and definitely something I wouldn't touch with a barge pole.

It's time he broke away, which he is doing, but I wouldnt be surprised if he finds it hard and goes running back to what he feels familiar with.

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