I have messed up with DP and could really use some advice

[3ofusnot2]

DP and I have been together a year after meeting through OLD. He told me right from the get go that he lived with a female friend and her daughter, but there was nothing in it. After meeting her and her partner I was happy that their living arrangements were purely for financial reasons and no secret agenda.

DP became a fixture at my house with my teen DD over the weekends and one weeknight and all was happy, that was until his friend started having relationship problems. He had always looked after her daughter during school holidays for the time I'd known him as he is self employed so easy to have her tag along. Following the break up of his friend's relationship though our weeknight visits ended as he had to be at the house to look after the daughter as her mum left for work early in the morning. He has also always taken her to school.

I have always thought that she relied on him too much, I.e he takes her daughter to school, looks after her during school holidays and babysits of an evening if mother wants to do something - to clarify the daughter is definitely not his.

We've had a few minor disagreements about how his looking after her child has interfered in our relationship as well as just her neediness in general which has just had a plaster put over it and we've carried on. What angers me is she has left the daughter alone to go and see her boyfriend, but expects DP to be with the daughter every moment of the day if looking after her.

Things came to a head this weekend though. He was musing coming to stay at mine during the lockdown but can't due to looking after daughter (mother is a key worker, DP is not currently working due to lockdown). I had some important exam results due on Friday and have since been ill and I'll admit I became a bit needy and pathetic, telling him that I was angry how, if it weren't for looking after her daughter he'd be here with me now, and who knows how long the lockdown would last.

I explained how it would be different if the daughter was his as she'd be welcome to join us in the home and be part of us as a whole, but instead when he looks after her it's at his home and she's not his to try and incorporate into another life.

I said maybe we should just cool off during the lockdown as otherwise I'd drive myself crazy with the thought that he'd be here if it weren't for the housemate and her daughter (in case it doesn't come across, I really do not like the woman for various reasons but mostly I view her as using, manipulative and self-centred). Picking our relationship up once normality ensues.

Cue a text from him saying that he's told housemate that her daughter can look after herself during the day and he'll be staying at mine until the lockdown is over. This caused a big row between them, and now i feel like the total villain. Yes I'm happy that finally he's stopped being a doormat for her, but they have to live together ultimately (long backstory but they currently own a house together).

I just feel like the bad guy now and don't know what to say to him.

Btw, the daughter will be 14 this year.

This man sounds like he'll do whatever the most dominant woman in his life at any particular time wants him to do- it was her, now it's you. He's doing what you want but only because you've told him to do it!

It's going to be quite a thing to extricate him from this situation with his friend, even if they weren't having sex, they've set up a situation which is similar to a marriage/relationship in terms of finances and childcare, and which they don't appear to have thought ahead to what happens when inevitably one of them meets someone else.

I don't know what you should do, he's made it unnecessarily messy and I guess you just have to consider whether it's worth trying to extricate him now, which will have to happen if he's going to move on and have a full relationship with you. That type of pushover person might appeal to you, it might not, but that's who he is.

MadinMarch I disagree having been left on my own from the age of 11 and my own daughter from 12. The point is though that even if her mother agrees with you (which from the sound of it she does), why is that DP's problem?

Everything everyone has said are all things I've wrestled with in my mind. She's quite happily moved her boyfriend in with them, and yes DP is a pushover when it comes to her. I have asked him whether he has feelings for her which he says he doesn't (bear in mind it was 9 years ago).

I also asked myself why the need to say they had argued about it rather than just saying he's told her he's coming over and that's that.

It did also occur to me that perhaps we should just hold off until his living situation is not as it is and mentioned this to him resulting in much begging, pleading, declarations of love and offers of doing anything.

Unfortunately neither one of them is in a position to buy the other out, and I am not in a position to sell my house either (and nor would I want to put all my eggs in one basket right now). He could happily move in with me, but given the contributions to his house he couldn't then contribute to mine and I won't have a cocklodger.

If it wasn't for the housemate, her dramas with her boyfriend, her daughter it would all be perfect

Maybe yes, maybe no.

I would not let him stay at your house until he sorts out the relationship with his friend. And he has to do more than stop looking after her daughter (who doesn't need continuous supervision at her age).

Given the friend's neediness and the rows when her needs are not met, he has to find a way of separating himself from her - WITHOUT involving you. Moving in with you would be too easy for him and might mask the red flag of his inability to stand up for himself and prioritise you and your relationship.

Can he move out and friend gets a lodger to cover at least part of his share of the mortgage?

Could the house be converted into 2 separate flats?

What other ways are there of extricating themselves from this joint ownership? Does their legal agreement say anything about one party being able to force a sale?

Are they joint tenants or tenants in common?

Did they not seek legal advice before going ahead with this, which would be a standard (ie sensible) requirement for two unrelated people buying property. If not, now is the time to seek legal advice.

Hang on a minute:

So, your DP and this woman were together nine years ago. Living together for the duration of that time, and he got together with you a year ago. After four months of his being with you he bought a house with this woman, so only eight months ago?

OP wake up. He is in love with her.You’re just a sideline until she lets him back in.

If he genuinely had no feelings for her then he wouldn’t have been buying a house with her and exceeding to her every demarcation your expense.

If he was genuine about moving on he would have moved out as soon as you two got together or at the very least would never have committed to buying a house with her.

I would bet money that he’s sleeping with her during the week and with you on weekends.

Exceeding to her every demand

'So, your DP and this woman were together nine years ago. Living together for the duration of that time, and he got together with you a year ago. After four months of his being with you he bought a house with this woman, so only eight months ago?'

I'm not following this either

Is this the case

Things came to a head this weekend though. He was musing coming to stay at mine

Seriously, how hard is it to STAY AT HOME?

Should he not be staying in his home at this time??

Flower - luckily I work in the legal area and can tell you with certainty it is tenants in common with declaration of trust in place.

Luckily the house is a 3-storey with the entire top floor being his room with en-suite. (Something else that bugged me - when they were buying and she knew his boyfriend was moving in with kids eow, she had convinced DP his room would need to be split in two to make an extra room for boyfriend's kids when they're there.

Luckily it wasn't feasible but I was that he even agreed to it.

It is standing up to her he just cannot do. Whether it's to everyone he can't stand up to or just her I don't know.

Higher finish - he meant for the entire lockdown

Regardless of all that messy stuff- he CANNOT come to your house during lockdown! He has to stay in his own house. You can’t be seeing him during lockdown unless it’s through a window on his way to work!

No they met 9 years ago, have not lived together for that time, she has been married and divorced in the meantime. They only started living together last year just before I met him.

I think if he were sleeping with her during the week her boyfriend who lives there and sleeps in her bed may have something to say about it

he meant for the entire lockdown

Has his entire household been isolating for 14 days? Because if not then he can’t cone to yours for the rest of lockdown.

'and have since been ill and I'll admit I became a bit needy and pathetic, telling him that I was angry how, if it weren't for looking after her daughter he'd be here with me now, and who knows how long the lockdown would last.'

So regardless of this odd situation

Why on Earth especially after being ill would you invite him into you and your dc's home?

No as she is a key worker as am I

So, your DP and this woman were together nine years ago. Living together for the duration of that time, and he got together with you a year ago.

No - you need to read whats been written.

Her moving in with him was relatively new when I met him, and shortly after they bought a new house together (given what he has said about his financial situation and mortgages on his old property, it kind of made sense).

So sounds like they started OLD but didn't hit it off but remained friends. Something happened and they got a house together presumably as a financial convenience. He's now stuck with her and she's taking the piss.

Well he won't be coming over now as you have all given me a lot to think about.

Tbh even the health person on BBC said that if partners wanted to see each other then they should think about moving in together.

That aside, lockdown is likely to continue for the next three months at least. Do you really want a man who isn’t committed to your relationship living with you during that time?

Wtf? Op fgs end the relationship. You are way down the pecking order. Look for someone with less random baggage.

I also asked myself why the need to say they had argued about it rather than just saying he's told her he's coming over and that's that

He can't come over anyway, this whole situation has been for nothing!

bold fail

So he is supporting his friend, her dd and her bf? Is he paying 50 /50?

She's taking financial advantage of him, using him for free child care and using the girl as a stick to beat him with.

Sounds as if he's in an abusive relationship. Financially and to some extent emotionally.

As we know on MN women in abusive relationships need support, men in abusive relationships need to grow up or piss off.

End it, sounds horrendous.