DH says I don't appreciate him

[MajesticWhine]

Husband says out of the blue that I don’t appreciate him enough. He earns a mega salary and he thinks I should appreciate this more because this is what makes us comfortably off in these difficult times. Of course I appreciate this. But I certainly don’t routinely comment how much I appreciate it. Is that wrong of me? I am not very focussed on money and to be honest we have never had to worry. I think we should act as a team. I contribute a lot to our family life and it’s not all about money. Should I really bow down and worship at his superior earning power or is he being weird?
Backstory married 27 years. 3 DC. I work too - earn approximately 1/7 what he does. Recently we have been arguing because he has accepted a job a long way from home and will stay away at least two nights per week, probably more. He wants to buy a flat near this other job. He wants this job because he can make a lot of money (even more than currently earns) and help us pay school fees, university fees and be financially secure. He says current job makes him unhappy. I argued against him taking this job because I don’t think we need the extra money. I would rather we live together and have a good relationship and family life. I also believe every job makes him unhappy not just the current one.
We have done living apart for work before, out of necessity and I don’t want to do it again. It led to his affair and nearly broke us.
I also don’t want to be left looking after our kids and dogs all week. He insisted on getting a new puppy last year, without my agreement, and now I will be doing every early morning and late night walk while he lives away.

Pay a dog walker, get a cleaner so any time not with DCs is free time for you. Do things you enjoy whatever they are- gym, book club whatever.
He gets what he wants, you get a good life.
He is being selfish - that's not in dispute but make sure your life is the best it can be - eg give up work, or regular babysitters so you get out -whatever suits you best, no need to be a bitter martyr.

I hate to say it, but if he has history of infidelity and has recently taken a new job that involves overnight stays, and is fabricating issues with your relationship, might he have someone else on the go?

Surely the very last thing the OP should do is 'give up work'.

Not primarily because of the income but to maintain confidence in the non-domestic world and status at home, and to keep herself in the job market.

There doesn't appear to have been any suggestion that you move house as a family to accomodate his new job. Why is that? Are all your children in crucial pre-exam years? Because it seems to me that if he wanted a continuation of family life he would have suggested that. It doesn't sound as if there are any financial barriers to this.

You do sound stuck in a subservient role. Which is odd because you'd think you would have the upper hand - having stayed after his affair.

Tell him what you want out of your shared life. Insist he works with you to make that happen.

Hello
Does he feel guilty about the infidelity? As that would be a reason why someone would not leave the marital home alone as it will make you insecure and suspicious. Did he consult you before taking this new job? Does he make decision about your family life without consulting you? There are quite a few issues here and I can see why you are upset. Have you made it clear how you feel about his impending move? Is your husband considerate of your feelings and opinions? Good luck op!

I don’t think he wants to be married.

Before I read the previous infidelity, I was going to say he has an OW. That and his comments about you not appreciating him are a concern.

In his mind, he's justifying it, because you don't appreciate him.

Note that he wants to buy a flat, not even rent...that's very permanent. Buying a place to stay 2 nights a week. Most people would stay in a hotel if necessary.

I don't think he's committed to the marriage anymore. His actions indicate he has other things on his mind.

When I read this, before reading about the affair, I thought “he wants out of this marriage” you’ve got big problems OP.

'My wife doesn't appreciate me' is a common justification for an affair.

It's possible he is future proofing affairs with the new flat.

Does he ever say he appreciates what you do, OP?

Sounds like you don’t appreciate each other very much. Namely, the reason you have the luxury and privilege to not worry about money and do a low paid job you like is because he is working in high paid jobs that make him unhappy. Conversely, the reason he can take high paid jobs with long hours is because you are taking care of him and the children’s basic needs. I think you don’t say you appreciate him because he’s not saying that he appreciates you.

After 27 years it is easy for partners to start taking each other for granted. It then creates that feeling of just being a live in maid or a walking pay cheque depending on who’s point of view you are looking from.

I’d suggest that you start by recognising the good things he does for you and the family. Also point out the good things you do and that it would be nice if he could appreciate you in return.

Then tackle the argument with logic. He thinks you need more money, you think you have enough. So sit down and decide how much money do you need?

3 DC worth of university fees will be £45-50k each. Do you have £150k in the bank?

He earns a lot of money, but what do you have saved for your retirement years? How much is needed for you both to be financially secure?

Once you’ve jointly decided on how much money is needed, then look at his current income and your outgoings and calculate whether there is a shortfall or not.

Even if there is, would taking a job so far away actually help? Buying a flat and running it, paying council tax and utilities will cost a lot of money. Maybe the shortfall can be addressed by you taking a better paid job. Or maybe deciding to downsize and move to a smaller home when two of the DC have left for university. Brainstorm and listen. Don’t assume you have the right answer and argue about it. (Same goes for him).

Sounds like you don’t appreciate each other very much.

Why do you think that? Because he says so?

Thanks for the replies. It is really helpful to think it through.

There has been no discussion of us moving and I don't think either of us want to. I have a good job and a life here. We have tried moving before - when he had a job in another area before. Following the affair, we moved for his job to try and make things work. It was better - but then we moved back to where we lived originally (London) because he got another job (he changes jobs a lot).

@scottishlass123 Did he consult you before taking this new job? Does he make decision about your family life without consulting you?
He did consult me. We talked about it extensively but ultimately he has got his way. He is very unhappy in his current role so I guess that trumps everything. Yes he often makes important decisions - he does consult me, we disagree fundamentally but then he always seems to get his way. It's like his big salary trumps everything.

@PlanDeRaccordement Do you have £150k in the bank? He earns a lot of money, but what do you have saved for your retirement years?

We have over 100k in the bank. If we carry on as we are we will be able to cover the school and university fees. He has an enormous pension which is maxed out in terms of contributions. We have some other savings and property. We are secure, in my opinion, but we differ on this. He wants to have more so he can retire soon and have enough money to do this very soon. I do understand this, which is why I will put up with the situation with the job where he will be away. I just wish he would stop whining about me not appreciating him and playing his big salary card. It's like a broken record.

To answer other responses, I have a reasonably well paid job. I earn about 40k for a 4 day week. I have no intention of not working and I like my job. We have a dogwalker and cleaner (although obviously not at the moment under lockdown).
I don't think there is an affair going on at the moment. But I agree it doesn't look good.

I think it’s probably hard to appreciate someone when they seem to make big decisions that effect you without your agreement. Does he routinely show appreciation to you? It goes both ways.

Have you asked him to explain to you properly and with specific examples what it is that he thinks you're doing or not doing that has supposedly led to him feeling this way? If he's sincere, then he might be able to point out something, perhaps something that you had no idea was causing those feelings. Or it might help to clarify that he's just a bit arrogant and expects you to burnish his over inflated ego. One way or another it's better to have more information before you decide how to react.

My wife came pretty close to walking out about five years ago because of something I was doing that made her feel unappreciated. I had absolutely no clue that it was causing those feelings until she told me. Turns out she had been trying to hint at it for months and thought I was deliberately ignoring those hints. I wasn't, I just didn't get them. It took her to spell it out explicitly with examples before it clicked, I changed the behaviour in question and our relationship improved hugely. I'm not saying that you're in the same position that I was, but it would surely be a shame not to check.

This is what my Ex H started to say when he was having an affair . It is an excuse . Has he ever told you he appreciates what you do for the family ? I bet not !

OP, it sounds suspicious.

Get copies of all financials sorted and put somewhere safe.

The wanting to buy himself a little pad is a flag to him having a very separate life.

Best advice is prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

Being unfaithful the first time is the leap....after that...not so much.

I think he has developed a self serving narrative in his head..

Protect yourself.

Sorry but it looks like he's either having or planning an affair.

I didn't appreciate DHs mega salary and often wanted him to change, long hours Often away- but now we are retired , adult DDs have nice homes, corona virus future holds no financial worries. There are upsides.

Thanks folks. He has sent me an email - he's downstairs
We will maybe talk later. Will report back. I honestly don't think he's cheating but if that emerges then fine, he can fuck off.
I think the wanting a flat is about wanting his own space and he is quite weird about acquiring stuff. He has a compulsive shopping habit - I think it's an extra large manifestation of that. "I work so hard I deserve my own flat" sort of a thing going on.

I would think he is setting himself up so that when your kids leave for uni he can leave you, having hid his assets to ensure that you don't have as good a financial settlement. But I am a bit cynical..... Just keep your wits about you op. Make sure he doesn't get the chance to screw you over.

My ex husband (also a very high earner) started all the 'you don't appreciate me enough' chat, round about the same time as he had an affair. It's almost like he used it as justification.

Oh my God, having just read the rest of the thread, I didn't realise he was such a cliche!

I suspect he is one of those who is always dissatisfied with life and always looking for more and more. Hence the endless moving jobs.
My experience may be different but all the extremely well paid people i know have worked for very few companies.

Oh lordy , I'm getting the rage from him forcing you all to get a dog and then wanting to bugger off and leave you with it - never mind the rest. Tell him to do whatever he wants to, but take his dog with him.

So you earn 40k and he earns 7x that? A joint income of maybe 250k? Where the hell does it go? Why do you only have 100k in the bank? You could surely have saved enough for school and uni fees long ago. I don't get the time line here either - you've been married 27 years, but are the kids still at school?