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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH says I don't appreciate him

53 replies

MajesticWhine · 01/04/2020 07:05

Husband says out of the blue that I don’t appreciate him enough. He earns a mega salary and he thinks I should appreciate this more because this is what makes us comfortably off in these difficult times. Of course I appreciate this. But I certainly don’t routinely comment how much I appreciate it. Is that wrong of me? I am not very focussed on money and to be honest we have never had to worry. I think we should act as a team. I contribute a lot to our family life and it’s not all about money. Should I really bow down and worship at his superior earning power or is he being weird?
Backstory married 27 years. 3 DC. I work too - earn approximately 1/7 what he does. Recently we have been arguing because he has accepted a job a long way from home and will stay away at least two nights per week, probably more. He wants to buy a flat near this other job. He wants this job because he can make a lot of money (even more than currently earns) and help us pay school fees, university fees and be financially secure. He says current job makes him unhappy. I argued against him taking this job because I don’t think we need the extra money. I would rather we live together and have a good relationship and family life. I also believe every job makes him unhappy not just the current one.
We have done living apart for work before, out of necessity and I don’t want to do it again. It led to his affair and nearly broke us.
I also don’t want to be left looking after our kids and dogs all week. He insisted on getting a new puppy last year, without my agreement, and now I will be doing every early morning and late night walk while he lives away.

OP posts:
DuesToTheDirt · 01/04/2020 20:51

Oh, my maths is terrible, joint income of 320k!

MajesticWhine · 01/04/2020 21:38

2 kids still at school (one is leaving this year), 1 already in uni

OP posts:
MajesticWhine · 01/04/2020 21:40

Yes we have lots tucked away. We have various savings and properties, we just don't hold everything as cash. We have sent our 3 DC to private school, so you can burn through that income pretty quickly.

OP posts:
Verily1 · 01/04/2020 22:15

Make sure you know exactly what the assets are where they are and have everything in joint names.

You say he has a good pension- do you?

Sounds like he does have a plan to go once the youngest is out of school.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 01/04/2020 22:21

What form does he want this appreciation to take? Does he appreciate everything that you do for he family (from the sounds of it I assume that you do most mental load / children / house stuff because he is too important / busy with his big job!.?)

I0NA · 01/04/2020 22:38

So he has over £1million in his pension? How much do you have in yours? I’m guessing you are around 50 or older - can you put all your salary into yours ?

MajesticWhine · 01/04/2020 22:49

Yeah my pension is rubbish. I am contributing extra through salary.

OP posts:
T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 01/04/2020 23:07

Sorry OP, but moving jobs so he can stay away two nights a week, wanting to get a flat, wanting to sort out the finances so he can retire early and now telling your that you’re ungrateful. I think he’s planning on leaving you.

FlowerArranger · 01/04/2020 23:12

Clearly his ego isn't quite big enough to accommodate his amazing abilities, intellect and earning power. Plus he has a huge chip on his shoulder. Never mind the fact that he is blind to everything YOU do to keep the family ship afloat.

And then there is the affair. It's difficult to come back from that. Not just for the one betrayed, but also for the betrayer. It's not even as simple as him having got away with it once. Cheating severs the emotional bond which previously bound him to you. He'll find the next time so much easier.

He is planning to stay in his bachelor pad at least 2 nights a week, maybe more. Before long it will be 4, perhaps even 5 nights a week. Tge two of you already seem emotionally disconnected. He feels unappreciated. He doesn't appreciate you. Soon he'll start to resent you. Nothing is as deadly as resentment.

You can see where this is heading. And, sadly, it may be too late. Protect yourself and consider your options. You are at a crossroads. What do YOU want?

TheStuffedPenguin · 01/04/2020 23:18

You say he has a good pension- do you?

Yes she will have - 50 % of his and hers together .

MajesticWhine · 01/04/2020 23:20

Yep 👍🏼

OP posts:
I0NA · 01/04/2020 23:38

Yes she will have - 50 % of his and hers together

If she can find it. If it’s not hidden overseas. If he can’t go “ self employed “ and hide assets.

Strangely enough, a lot of men who earn big salaries are very good at hiding assets in divorce.

I agree with PP that’s he’s planning something. Ducks in a row time OP.

FizzyGreenWater · 02/04/2020 00:00

Er no I wouldn't be grateful about anything to do with a nasty cheat, no.

And I wouldn't be staying in a marriage where a cheat thinks he can insist he gets to work away, and have his own flat, and you just have to go along with it as a marriage partner and have, what, trust? That thing he trashed? No.

I'd just file for divorce. Before he hides everything. Do you really want to 'enjoy' an early retirement being bossed around by a twat who cheats on you and then still expects to direct what happens in the relationship?

I'd file for divorce just to see the look on his sumg fucking me me me face!

FizzyGreenWater · 02/04/2020 00:05

Reading again, he does sound fucking horrible. Acquisitive capitalist little shit who believes that money is what makes value. Yuk.

Look, you earn a good wage, and even if he played super dirty, you could just let him and still come out financially secure and probably a lot happier - as someone who doesn't live for money - than being with someone like this. Who has already cheated on you.

Get rid, really. Gather all financial info and let him go off to his new swanky flat and concentrate on buying Stuff and probably buying people to go with it.

And tell him, next time he whines, that no, you don't appreciate him. It's kinds hard to appreciate cheating shits who only value money and bring nothing of real value to any personal relationship. No, you don't need endless money - in fact even if he evaporated tomorrow you'd have enough to live very happily on - what you do need are things he can't apparently even recognise are important, so no - you won't be falling over in gratitude any time soon.

morriseysquif · 02/04/2020 00:18

So he cheated, and you are supposed to kiss his feet for earning so much?

Now he wants a little place to himself without any family responsibilities just because he earns so much?

Tell him to fuck off and take the new puppy with him.

MajesticWhine · 02/04/2020 08:51

To give context the cheating was a long time ago (15 years?) and forgiven. He has not shown any signs of repeating it.
We had a big discussion / argument last night. He is still angry with me. I asked him many times how he wants me to show my appreciation, but he was not very clear about this. He wants me to "acknowledge" everything he is going through (with work) and to be kind to him. I think cooking all the meals, doing all the laundry and being around for him and the children and picking up dog shit is quite kind actually. So this is where I draw a blank. I think I might have run out of "nice" and "kind". He thinks I should forget about the puppy and move on, whereas I keep bringing it up. He says he has apologised about it, but I don't really feel that.
He seems to be mentally in a very poor state and is not making much sense. He has been under huge pressure at work the last 2 or 3 weeks and is working all hours including weekends
I hope he can get a break some time over the weekend and remove his head from his arse.

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 02/04/2020 09:13

He has been under huge pressure at work the last 2 or 3 weeks and is working all hours including weekends

He needs to start valuing his mental health over his salary, take a lower paying job and get his life back. He's choosing to do this to himself, and he can choose to stop.

But back in the real world.... It sounds to me as if you work 4 days a week, do (nearly?) all the housework and (nearly?) all the childcare. Is that right? You're nearly working FT, same as him, so how on earth has he managed to wriggle out of pulling his weight at home?

I would ask him point blank how he intends to do his half of the childcare, chores and dog walking while he's away? Suggest he might need to look into dog walkers and cleaners and childminders because you don't accept his kind offer to take on his half of all the chores. You didn't want him to take this job, and you're not going to be dumped with the sh*t when he's decided to unilaterally overrule you. You'll continue to do your half of the work, and he needs to make arrangements for his half.

...but given you already do most (all?) of the chores despite working nearly FT, I imagine that's a conversation that you're not equipped to have :(

dreamingbohemian · 02/04/2020 09:28

He wants me to "acknowledge" everything he is going through (with work) and to be kind to him. I think cooking all the meals, doing all the laundry and being around for him and the children and picking up dog shit is quite kind actually.

This sounds like two people on completely different planets.

You say he's not doing well mentally and has asked you to be kinder to him.

All those things you do are important and practically supportive, but they're not emotionally supportive, which seems to be what he is asking for.

He does sound very selfish but also just fundamentally unhappy. I would also assume he is halfway out the door.

Blossomad · 02/04/2020 09:56

If he is that unhappy in his job he should leave. Why not compromise and agree that he rent a flat as house prices are probably going to go down. Help him choose it, you arrange to decorate it, furnish it, find out if there are any local places of interest you can visit when you come up and stay with him occasionally. All the while showing him the care and attention he wants or as you see fit. And also using the opportunity to go over your assets together with a view to buying a property when the market is lower. This gives you a chance to assess your situation and if you did need to divorce you would be in a better position. I will say that if he is a shopping addict it’s quite possible he has other addictions.
And I agree with others that if he isn’t having an affair atm he is contemplating it.

BackseatCookers · 02/04/2020 12:12

This is a love languages problem.

He needs words of affirmation while you need quality time and words of affirmation.

He feels he is adhering to acts of service and giving gifts because he is the majority breadwinner and works hard to be so at work.

You feel you are adhering to acts of service because you work so hard to keep the family safe, secure and happy.

You both feel you being equal amounts to the relationship but both feel this isn't recognised by the other.

But if neither of you is able to communicate this to the other I don't know how this is fixable.

sageandroses · 02/04/2020 12:16

He had an affair before ... it is obvious to me that 'buying a flat near his new work' will lead to more affairs. It doesn't sound like a very good marriage OP. Also... many people manage to work away and not have affairs. Him working away didn't lead to it, he chose to have an affair.

Why didn't you leave after his affair? How can you trust him?

monkeymonkey2010 · 02/04/2020 17:46

he changes jobs a lot....is never happy anywhere...chooses to work away....you facilitate it all... and also take on the majority/all household stuff and mental load at home......and YOU need to feel grateful to HIM?!

I hate to say it but it sounds like the beginnings of another affair script.
It doesn't sound like he was ever fully checked in to your relationship, placing money and his own wants and desires above family and enjoying a life together.

willowpatterns · 02/04/2020 18:04

In terms of savings, investments and property... how much of it is in joint names?

Maybe I'm cynical, but I have a suspicion that he could be laying the foundations so that as soon as your dc are through education, he is going to bugger off with as much money and as many assets as he can.

Do you know where all his salary goes? Could he be stashing some away in accounts you don't know about?

NewNameGuy · 02/04/2020 18:20

While I agree with most of what's been said, if I were working mega hours and stressing out I like to think my wife would be extra kind to me, and vice versa

SharonasCorona · 02/04/2020 18:23

@NewNameGuy as nice as he was getting a puppy without OP’s agreement and now expecting OP care for him? Was that an ‘extra kind’ thing to do when OP is already running the house?

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