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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH says I don't appreciate him

53 replies

MajesticWhine · 01/04/2020 07:05

Husband says out of the blue that I don’t appreciate him enough. He earns a mega salary and he thinks I should appreciate this more because this is what makes us comfortably off in these difficult times. Of course I appreciate this. But I certainly don’t routinely comment how much I appreciate it. Is that wrong of me? I am not very focussed on money and to be honest we have never had to worry. I think we should act as a team. I contribute a lot to our family life and it’s not all about money. Should I really bow down and worship at his superior earning power or is he being weird?
Backstory married 27 years. 3 DC. I work too - earn approximately 1/7 what he does. Recently we have been arguing because he has accepted a job a long way from home and will stay away at least two nights per week, probably more. He wants to buy a flat near this other job. He wants this job because he can make a lot of money (even more than currently earns) and help us pay school fees, university fees and be financially secure. He says current job makes him unhappy. I argued against him taking this job because I don’t think we need the extra money. I would rather we live together and have a good relationship and family life. I also believe every job makes him unhappy not just the current one.
We have done living apart for work before, out of necessity and I don’t want to do it again. It led to his affair and nearly broke us.
I also don’t want to be left looking after our kids and dogs all week. He insisted on getting a new puppy last year, without my agreement, and now I will be doing every early morning and late night walk while he lives away.

OP posts:
MajesticWhine · 02/04/2020 18:23

Do you know where all his salary goes?
Yes
Could he be stashing some away in accounts you don't know about?
Very unlikely.
A lot of things are in my name or joint names. I don't think this is what is going on, although I appreciate the heads up.

OP posts:
BackseatCookers · 02/04/2020 18:57

Sounds like he wants compartmentalised lives then OP - one with you 'at home' and one where he can basically do what he likes. If you aren't ok with that then you'll need to leave to preserve your mental health I think.

Blossomad · 02/04/2020 19:27

Sounds to me like he’s losing it because he’s in a high powered job in the middle of a financial meltdown/ pandemic. Every one is going to have to adapt/compromise and I don’t think people necessarily need to break up as a first response.
I also think if you really hate your job you should leave. I would be happy that he’s found another high paying job in this climate. I also would be all over/excited about getting a new property but I’d put it in both our names if possible.

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