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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sick of my girlfriend denying that I am her girlfriend

59 replies

Inloove · 31/03/2020 20:49

I have met her in college when I was 17 , we got together when we were in uni. We are now both 28 and her family still does not know. My mother and father know and are very supportive. I met her family , I am her best friend to them. At first I agreed to lie , because they are so so religious. when celebrated Christmas with her family , my parents agreed to lie and to this day they still do if we go on holidays with them. They live in a city , about an hour away from us and my family. We want to buy a house but she is reluctant because of what her folks will say. So she started pretending she was seeing a guy :'(. We were there 2 months ago and that's when I learnt she was supposedly seeing a guy named "Mark'. It broke my heart and during the whole weekend it was " Oh finally you got someone..." She has no intention of telling the truth and wants to say to her family she has a boyfriend. She reassures me and tell me she loves me. I am so so sick of being a dirty secret. What would you do?

OP posts:
fluffdeloop · 31/03/2020 20:52

been there done that and left. you can have a normal life with someone.. I'd never ever be with someone not out ever again. dont waste your life being hidden!!

Thehop · 31/03/2020 20:58

You deserve far better. Leave.

ahumanfemale · 31/03/2020 21:02

She's free to make the choice to tell them or not.

You're free to make the choice to accept her decision, and the ramifications of that for you, or not.

Life is too short to spend it living according to someone else's rules. If you stay, do it because that's how you actively want to live. Don't stay because you've been together so long, or you can't bear to lose her, because you'll end up losing yourself.

Lilythepink99 · 31/03/2020 21:04

Fast forward 1 year, 5 years , 10 years can you see it changing? Do you want children? Life is too short to not be acknowledged and loved openly. Sadly I think it time for her to be out and honest for you or to call it a day. Good luck x

Leodot · 31/03/2020 21:04

Oh Op, I feel for you. What a sad situation to be in. I think that her behaviour has shown that she doesn’t value your relationship. If she did, she wouldn’t have lied for over a decade. To keep a lie going for that long shows she has no intention of telling the truth. I don’t understand what her game is but you are better off out of it. Find someone that will treat you with the love and respect you deserve. Hugs OP.

OhCaptain · 31/03/2020 21:07

I’d leave, tbh.

What if she never tells them? What if she’s never ready to be honest?

Will you miss out on getting married? Having children? Just having a health dynamic? You deserve better!

If I’ve read correctly, you’ve shared family Christmases and holidays? As in, your family with hers?

What will it take for her to be honest??

Lifeaback · 31/03/2020 21:09

I can’t even begin to imagine how hard this is for you OP. Ultimately it is her decision and you really can’t live your life like this- you deserve much, much more.

I think you need to tell her that either she tells the truth to her family or you leave, and follow through with it. Staying in this relationship as it is will be soul destroying. If she loves you enough this will be a sacrifice she’s willing to make, and if not you will find someone far more worthy of you

Washyourhandsregularly · 31/03/2020 21:13

This will ultimately destroy your self-confidence - there's nothing worse than being denied. No matter how much she loves you and tells you she loves you she is not showing it. She is controlling you and you deserve far more, a normal loving relationship where you are proud to show each other off.
Best of luck.

Curious78 · 31/03/2020 21:14

It's been 10 years and she's not 100% committed...I'm sorry OP, there is someone far more deserving out there for you

Floooopy · 31/03/2020 21:14

You need to sit her down and ask her how her not ever telling her parents will impact on any of the things you want in your future: buying a house, getting married, having children, moving somewhere else. Her answers will tell you what you need to know. If she hasn't done it after 11 years, she never will.

TheTittefers · 31/03/2020 21:17

Is it a same-sex relationship? Is this what she won’t face up to?

Original poster
Inloove · 31/03/2020 21:17

Thank you everyone.

I tried to leave before. But she'd contact me 24/7, tell me how much she loves me. And I am weak and gave in each time. When we got home after this Mark thing I was so upset. She told me how it was all lies and that in her culture being 28 and not having a husband or kids is strange and shameful. She then proposed I track her phone , check her fb , phone so she'd see she does not see anyone else. I know she does not like men so no need for that. Her only solution to that is " Let's move to another country, get married and nobody will know about it. We'll only have to lie one or twice a year".

My parents know hers yes. We celebrated several christian festivities with them. They agreed to lie... which they hate.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inloove · 31/03/2020 21:22

Yes it is a same sex relationship. We are both women. Her family is very religious so she can't tell them she has been living and sleeping with another woman for more than 10 years. I am afraid I will never ever find someone else I love so much. I think she feels the same too otherwise she wouldn't harass me non stop everytime I get frustrated and wants to leave. I just can't deal with this Mark thing and want a happy relationship with a woman who isn't ashamed of me.

OP posts:
TheGirlWithAPrince · 31/03/2020 21:38

To be honest ... She is trying to tell you something and you arnt listening.
She is telling you that her family is her priority .. whether she loves you or not doesnt matter, she is choosing her family and she will never tell them im sorry. Maybe she will when she is 40 .. or 50 or maybe she wont but i wouldnt want to live a life of secrecy, does she not want to have children?

She needs to make a final decision because stringing you along is really horrible of her, she isnt thinking about your feelings at all.

Samtsirch · 31/03/2020 21:54

You probably need to consider whether living your life without her would be more painful for you than being with someone who feels unable to go against her family/ culture/religion.
Personally I think over time resentment would build up for me about having to be a” secret” and this would eventually diminish any love and respect I have for the person I were with.

OhCaptain · 31/03/2020 22:10

Ultimately she cares more about her family than she does about you.

I know that’s harsh and I’m sorry. But you and your feelings will always come second.

Is that what you want? Sad

Dery · 31/03/2020 22:20

“Life is too short to spend it living according to someone else's rules. If you stay, do it because that's how you actively want to live. Don't stay because you've been together so long, or you can't bear to lose her, because you'll end up losing yourself.”

This.

One of my closest friends was in the same position with his BF. They were together for about 20 years. His BF finally revealed my friend’s existence to his family but it was after many, many years and when the relationship did end, one of the contributory factors was that my friend had been kept secret for so long and could never quite get over the pain this had caused and his BF's willingness to cause him that pain rather than come out to his parents.

It’s very hard when you love someone deeply and it’s very hard for your friend if her family will not accept her sexuality. But this is impacting hugely on your ability to live your life. As others have said, what happens if you want to marry and have children? How can you live your life if she won’t admit you exist? Bear in mind also that what might seem an acceptable price to pay at 28 may well feel very different at 38 or 48, particularly if you want to have children and it has impacted on your ability to do so.

As is often said on Facebook, love is not enough. It’s all very well her pursuing you 24/7 when you have tried to finish it before but it didn’t solve the fundamental problem between you and she’s made clear she doesn’t intend to resolve it.

Good luck with making your decision.

SharonasCorona · 31/03/2020 22:30

Yep time to dump her. Sadly, you may find that she will tell her parents about her next partner. She's just not willing to do it for you. Don't waste another day on her.

penisbeakers · 31/03/2020 22:33

She's never going to tell them. It's going to be painful as fuck but tell her unless she owns up to your relationship, it's over and not to contact you. It's never going to change.

user3274826 · 31/03/2020 22:58

What religion? Muslim?

If so, or another, non Christian religion it does make things a LOT trickier I think. Homophobia would not just be a religious thing but cultural too. I think she'd need the support of a charity such as Imaan (don't know how trustworthy, just found on Google) to help support her and her family to understand.

SandyY2K · 31/03/2020 23:42

It's more complicated than her family being a priority. Her actions don't mean she doesn't love you., but you have to decide if this is how you want to live the rest of your life.

Yes, you could move to another country, but why should you move away from your family and still have to live the lie in front of her parents..plus you put your parents in a position to have to lie.

If you accept she will never tell them...then you need to decide if you can live this way going forwards.

I don't think this is a matter of issuing an ultimatum....you need to do what's right for you without ultimatums.

Breaking it off and being sucked back in, won't help you. If you break it off, you need to find the strength to stick to your decision...go total NC...block her. Tell her not to contact you, to respect your wishes leave you to adjust to life without her.

She knows she can reel you back in, so she has no motivation to tell her family. She doesn't get to miss you, because you go right back.

All the things I say to you are what I would tell the OW having an affair with a MM. You're a secret in the same way.

ktp100 · 01/04/2020 00:05

Will her parents disown her if she tells the truth?

You're in an impossible situation really because you love her but it's not OK for you to be treated like that and it would also be unfair for you to make her choose between you and her family.

Having said that, every time you've left over it you've come back so she may well think now that ultimately she can get away with it.

Sooner or later it will come out and it will be so much worse if it doesn't come from her.

SharonasCorona · 01/04/2020 00:07

What religion? Muslim?

The OP says they are religious and celebrate Christmas, so more likely to be Christian.

PippaPegg · 01/04/2020 00:12

You don't have to play along. You could blow it all out of the water. She might dump you over it.

Either way the current situation is not what you want. You do deserve better.

forrestgreen · 01/04/2020 00:38

There's a thread on here about a guy who's family don't like his girlfriend so they keep trying to arrange a marriage for him.
She's posted for years and the advice has been that he won't put you first, he priorities his family etc.
You have the same problem. Your gf's family are more important than your relationship. It's incredibly wrong that you've both asked your family to lie.