Sick of my girlfriend denying that I am her girlfriend

[Inloove]

I have met her in college when I was 17 , we got together when we were in uni. We are now both 28 and her family still does not know. My mother and father know and are very supportive. I met her family , I am her best friend to them. At first I agreed to lie , because they are so so religious. when celebrated Christmas with her family , my parents agreed to lie and to this day they still do if we go on holidays with them. They live in a city , about an hour away from us and my family. We want to buy a house but she is reluctant because of what her folks will say. So she started pretending she was seeing a guy :'(. We were there 2 months ago and that's when I learnt she was supposedly seeing a guy named "Mark'. It broke my heart and during the whole weekend it was " Oh finally you got someone..." She has no intention of telling the truth and wants to say to her family she has a boyfriend. She reassures me and tell me she loves me. I am so so sick of being a dirty secret. What would you do?

Ffs after bring fannied about for ten years, not only would I leave her, I'd tell her family she was gay on the way out the door too.

What religion is she? I only ask as the answer to this could hugely affect the advice you get.

A decade of your life might be one out of every seven or eight days that you live.

You need to do what is right for you. For your happiness, your security, your confidence and your mental health.

I feel so much for you and for her but you have agency in your own life only.

You're so young and obviously a lovely person, you need to give yourself the best chance of a happy life

I ... want a happy relationship with a woman who isn't ashamed of me.

It doesn't look like it's this relationship. 10 years is waaaay too long to come out to parents.

I do know some couples who have solved this problem by moving abroad and they are very happy, but in these case both families are equally problematic. As it’s a one sided thing I don’t think moving abroad is ideal for you.

You deserve to be with someone who is proud to be with you and introduce you as her girlfriend to everyone. Really you should leave her because she's not willing to put you or your relationship first

she doesn't love you enough. Doesn't discount whether she loves you but it's not enough for you anymore

She can’t love you that much otherwise she’d stop putting her family before you.

You need to move on.

You're not her priority. I'd leave. This is really sad :(

OP - plenty of couples have strained or even no relationship with their inlaws. So it is possible to have a relationship with someone and not with their family.

Are there other issues in the relationship other than this? I’d say life is too short to throw away a loving relationship over something that is external and doesn’t have to affect the actual relationship between the two of you.
Just focus on living your life together - for the things you want to do - living, traveling, kids, etc.... Let her worry about her parents and don’t get involved in that.

Whatever her issues and cultural background is - is her issue. You probably will never understand that - you didn’t grow up in that family.
Why can’t you just accept it as is?
It almost feels like you have some sort of deep insecurity about the relationship and you need her to prove something to you?
Why?

Why punish the woman you love with potentially being ostracised by her family. Why not just make the best of it and love your life that isn’t really affected by them not knowing.

Are there other issues in the relationship other than this? I’d say life is too short to throw away a loving relationship over something that is external and doesn’t have to affect the actual relationship between the two of you

I think that's totally unfair. You're talking as if the family knows and doesn't like OP because of it, in which case I'd agree with you. But in this situation, the family has no idea and it sounds like OPs partner wants to keep it that way. So does that mean OP never gets married, has children, etc etc...? All because her partner prioritises her families feelings over OPs? You can't expect someone to live with that.

Of course it doesn’t meant OP should not put her life on pause.

All I said - is that it’s possible to live and not have her gf’s parents as a large part of their lives. IF, and that’s a big IF her gf tries to balance the secrecy with their lives being as normal as possible.
So - buying a house, having kids, etc.

I’d focus on the life milestones and have a serious conversation about those. And discuss as a couple what they both want and when. And if they can’t agree on those - then OP can make a decision on what to do with her life.
Making sure OP’s gf’s religious parents know about their daughter being gay is a separate question from that. In my opinion.

And I think OP shouldn’t make her gf chose between her family and her as she seems to want. It’s a very tough choice and can be avoided.

There are no other issues apart from the fact that her closest friends don't know either and she reminds me constantly when we see her folks " Don't say anything that could make them think you are my girlfriend". She will remind me 10000 times. She worries non-stop and does not sleep well or eat when she knows we are going there soon.

I know it's unfair to ask my parents to lie. My mum feels bad about it but does it for me.

Her family is christian. Jesus photos everywhere in the house christians. I wish I'd just get over it but I feel bad I have to lie all the time. They find it weird we still live together at age 28. And I am not insecure and looking for validation but it's draining to have to be "careful" about everything I say or post on social media. I even had to delete it because she was afraid I'd "give any clues" that we are together.

I can't just leave the country and abandon everything so she can stop worrying. I wish she could just dump me. But she has so many plans ,get engaged , married. How's that gonna work I asked her. "We will just invite your family".

I don't really see how you could have a 'normal' life, marriage, kids, house etc... Without the partners parents knowing (providing they are still involved in their daughters life). Is everyone invited to the wedding supposed to keep it a secret too? Are they just never supposed to meet their grandchild? Or will they tell the parents that the grandchild is 'Marks'? It's just not feasible imo to keep up this lie whilst also moving forward in their relationship.

OP I really think you should leave. This is going no where. You have to constantly worry about what you're posting, saying, how you're coming across, leaving clues etc...? Sorry I couldn't live like that. There's plenty of people out there who would be proud to show others what you mean to them.

I feel sorry for your partner but until she's ready to come out, she's not ready for a serious relationship imo.

She clearly isn’t going to tell her family. Your only options are to put up with it, or leave.

You deserve better op.

So you've been together for something like 8 years? You've openly brought her into your life and your family. You all have respected her struggle with her family to the extent of lying for her. That's love. To her, however, you are a dirty little secret, a shame that has to be hidden. That is not love - and I don't know how you can bear it.

Dear OP, look after your self. This is no way to live. Ever thought of letting the cat out of the bag and be done with it? I'm sure her mum suspects, but she may be choosing to look the other way. A mum always knows.

I dont have much advise except to say a gay friend’s ex partner still wouldn’t tell his parents his was gay and he was 45!
Its very possible she will never tell them so how will you ever lead a normal life?

OP - it’s clear that you are struggling with it all. Have you tried disengaging - and not dealing with her family?
Why go there and put yourself though the pretence?

And if your gf wants to have house, marriage, kids - and invite just your family - why not try? Bring it forward and suggest you start planing the next milestone. See what happens.
Or you can just leave.

You seem passive and wishing she makes decisions and acts. Why not take down control into how it hands and see what happens.
Pandemic will end and house prices will be low. How about agreeing you’ll be buying a house then - for eg.

If the family think it's weird at 28 what will they think at 38? 48?

At some point she is going to have to make a choice. Are you confident you will be that choice. You are enabling her to put the choice off as she knows she can persuade you back.

Will your relationship survive if you force the issue and she tells them and her relationship with them is ruined? Or will they be more accepting than she thinks?

So many variables. But it will come to a head at some point. It depends on if you want to be the bad guy, in her eyes, for forcing the issue.

I think you need a frank discussion with her about what the endgame is here.

She's already at the stage were she's had to invent a boyfriend to keep up the facade. But that won't hold them off for ever. Eventually they will want to meet a boyfriend and what will she do then? Convince some random man to come home with her and pretend to be her boyfriend?

And what happens even later down the line? Will there not come a point where here friends and family start to twig that she's still "single" and still living with the same "female friend" that she has done for years? I'm sure some of them must already be having some private doubts.

It feels like the see is the proverbial frog in a pot that it slowly being boiled, and each little lie and pretence she introduces seems reasonable to her at the time but she is getting herself deeper and deeper into a facade that will eventually become unsustainable.

Really really feel for you OP. Did this same thing for 5 years with a religious women who couldn't come out. Thought I'd never find someone again who I loved that much etc etc. Being denied just chipped away at my confidence, made me feel bitter and the few friends who she did eventually tell - it felt too late and weird and like I'd forced it so it didn't count in some way. Didn't matter how I tried to understand her family ties I couldn't stop the feeling that it was something to do with me being not good enough. The secret keeping infected all the good stuff between us in the end. Wish I'd knocked it on the head earlier. Wrecked my mental health for a while but can see clearly now and would never be in a relationship where someone denies me again. Leave, block, self care, move on.

Maybe tell her that the relationship is on hold until after she has either comes out or ends it.

Then move out and give her 6 months.

Don’t give her the joy of a relationship with you until she can do that.

Talking about your wedding when she wont even tell her parents she is gay?! Sorry op but she is either 'future faking' to string you along or she is living in cloud lala land.

I'm curious if her family have ever asked you about your boyfriends? Why dont you test the water by telling them YOU are gay and see how they seem to take it? If they are accepting then hopefully they will be accepting of her too.

My parents are hardcore Christian. My best mate from childhood whom I grew up with, and they adore, came out as gay a few years ago and is getting married soon. Although that conflicts with their belief system, they dont think any less of him.

If they are decent human beings they wont disown her. They will accept it is who she is and that is all there is to it. And if they don't, then shell she'll know who truly has her back and who doesnt. But rn, she is being a massive chicken. And she is disrespecting you in the process.

Tbh, if you have a strong relationship apart from this after 10 years I'd be in no rush to give it up. Why force yourself in to a family of religious zealots? Or why make her choose? You are clearly her main priority, why can't she maintain some vague contact with her family on the side on her own? Just stop going with her for family visits. It doesn't sound like her life is very entwined with them but she doesn't want to cut them off completely, which is understandable. You have a supportive family, she doesn't. What more do you need? Surely you both have mutual friends that do actually know. Your family knows and supports you. You aren't living your whole life a secret, just with her's. Telling them will just mean she loses her family. Why do you want that?

She said she wants to move on and buy a house etc so do that and leave the explaining to her family and don't ask about it.