Sick of my girlfriend denying that I am her girlfriend

[Inloove]

I have met her in college when I was 17 , we got together when we were in uni. We are now both 28 and her family still does not know. My mother and father know and are very supportive. I met her family , I am her best friend to them. At first I agreed to lie , because they are so so religious. when celebrated Christmas with her family , my parents agreed to lie and to this day they still do if we go on holidays with them. They live in a city , about an hour away from us and my family. We want to buy a house but she is reluctant because of what her folks will say. So she started pretending she was seeing a guy :'(. We were there 2 months ago and that's when I learnt she was supposedly seeing a guy named "Mark'. It broke my heart and during the whole weekend it was " Oh finally you got someone..." She has no intention of telling the truth and wants to say to her family she has a boyfriend. She reassures me and tell me she loves me. I am so so sick of being a dirty secret. What would you do?

If you've lied through milestones, there's no mechanism to get out of this except leaving, I'm afraid... Even if her whole family dies (heaven forbid), she won't be free and nor will you.

It is all about honesty and acceptance and importance.

She is being dishonest. But worse than that, she is making you and your family be complicit in her lies. And even more than that, you are not her priority.

My ex put his mother/sister first in everything. After much tears and many years, I left them to it.

You cannot compete. You can’t live your life not being allowed to shine. This isn’t love. You are not a dirty secret.

This isn’t good for you. Or her.

It’ll be so hard but time to move on OP. This is no way to live your life.

If she tries to get back with you tell her you aren’t interested until she contacts you to tell you that she has told them (not she is going to tell them/ not that she is planning on moving in with her ‘best friend’). Does she live independently? If not maybe promise her she can move in with you if they ostracize her. (Apologies if you’ve mentioned this already).

And although my sympathies lie 100% with you, I also feel very sad for your girlfriend. How awful that in this day and age she’s expected to lie about who she is :(

I apologize OP for A) rambling lol and B) I’ve noticed you wrote she does live with you. I can’t stand my mother in law and don’t have any contact with her, I’d much prefer to get along with my mother-in-law but I don’t. Fortunately this has no bearing on my relationship with my partner and if pushed he’d choose me. I’d be off if he didn’t.

This makes me really sad for you both. Ultimately she wants it all - her family and you, and it seems like at the moment those two things can’t exist together. You are worth much more than being a secret - and I say that as someone who kept a girlfriend secret for a year when I was at uni. I saw what it did to us both and it really was not worth it in the long run. Do you have mutual friends who know? It’s seriously stressful keeping things secret. I really feel for you both.

This is really sad. For those who are saying that the GF just doesn't want to 'upset' get parents there may be a lot more to it than that. A good friend of mine is from an evangelical Christian family. She remained celibate for years because she couldn't/wouldn't have a secret relationship; she ended up coming out to her parents after her third suicide attempt. If you had told me the reaction beforehand I wouldn't have believed it - at first, noone was to know (this lasted months) they tried to make her leave her job and her home, they tried to send her for missionary work abroad, then overnight they told everyone in their network and she had complete strangers contacting her with prayers. The thing is, her family believe in a literal heaven and hell, and believe that homosexuality means that you've been allowed the actual, literal devil into your soul. So to those parents, however crazy it sounds, couldn't accept her being gay as they equated it as her being condemned to burn in hell for eternity.
Once they accepted that her sexually wouldn't change, they disowned her as they considered the devil had 'won'. She's not only lost her parents, she's lost her siblings and the community she grew up with. Her mother had a mental breakdown a few years after this and she feels that's her fault. It's really really sad.

I doubt she will ever tell her family about you, not least because if she does they will realise she has been lying to them for years.

So I think you have to decide are you prepared to continue living a lie, with your parents having to be complicit in this, or tell your partner to come out or you're leaving. You shouldn't have to live a lie, but until you change something, nothing is going to change.

Sadly its been so long I think your girlfriend will let you go rather than come out, with you, to her family.

I would not be willing to live a lie.

She can lie if she wants to, but she cannot make you continue to lie for her. Tell her that you are not going to lie any more, you are not going to police your FB, you are going to act exactly as you normally would at all times.

I think you will then find you are able to split up with her and she won't try to win you back. Or just maybe she will tell her family before you make the relationship obvious. Either way, this situation will be sorted out