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Original poster

32 and in a sexless marriage

72 replies

32andConfused · 29/03/2020 18:17

Hi all,

I’m looking for some help... As the username and title suggest, I’m 32 and in a sexless marriage.

Myself and my husband have been together for 7 years (7 year itch?) and married for 2 and half.

He has a very good job, is the main breadwinner (I work full time too, I just don’t get paid as much) he kind, loyal, supportive. We have lots in common in terms of travel, hobbies, views on life and we do lots of things together. However there’s just something missing.

Around 6 months before we got married he had issues with his family that caused a lot of stress in our relationship. This continued for the first 12-18 months of our marriage and in that time it was really hard and I felt a distance grow between us.

We’re much better now and both much happier, however in the last 3 years we’ve probably had sex 5 times at most. Not a single time in the last 6 months...

I’m not sure if this is something I can fix.

On the one hand I put it down to all the external stress and issues we had pushing us apart, and I wonder if, with a conscious effort, we could get the physical side back.

But then on the other hand, I just don’t think it’s there. He doesn’t really have a high sexual drive and doesn’t seem to care about foreplay or my end result. He sometimes says things that make my skin crawl and I don’t feel like kissing him, not really kissing him if you know what I mean.

I feel like such a failure, I’ve got a wonderful man who loves me but that physical side has gone. I’ve considered whether I could have an affair, if I could find another man attractive in that way and honestly I could. I haven’t and wouldn’t for moral reasons but it’s not an overall loss of libido is my point.

I have talked about it with him and he knows how I feel, he hasn’t put any pressure on me and has been really respectful saying we’re best friends, but nothing has changed either and I know that the issue is mine.

If anyone has been in a similar position or can offer advice I’d love to hear it. This isn’t a position I ever thought I’d be in...

OP posts:
Sugartitss · 29/03/2020 18:23

i’m also in what has become a sexless relationship. Run for the hills, it will destroy you slowly.

ItchyScratch · 29/03/2020 18:31

Is there any chance he could be gay?

Nquartz · 29/03/2020 18:33

Cut your losses before you have kids (if that's even possible with that amount of sex). I can't imagine it'll get better based on all the threads in here

Inappropriatefemale · 29/03/2020 18:46

Yep I think he could be gay too, I think you should leave him, 5 times in 3 years when you are still young, and the fact he doesn’t seem bothered, are red flags to me, being best friends is all well and good if the sex is there too, but you sound like you’s are just friends.

category12 · 29/03/2020 19:05

If he makes your skin crawl, then I think you're done. I don't think there's any coming back from there, and it's just a matter of time.

CurryGoat · 29/03/2020 19:06

Does he use porn? Porn use can affect intimacy in relationships.

Original poster
32andConfused · 29/03/2020 19:09

Thank you - I don’t think he’s gay, I think if I initiated things he’d go with it but there’s no real excitement there and it’s all a bit wham, bam, thank you mam.

As for the skin crawling thing, gosh that did sound harsh. It’s more some of the things he’d say in the bedroom that I found off-putting.

OP posts:
Original poster
32andConfused · 29/03/2020 19:11

CurryGoat - I’m not sure about porn. He just doesn’t talk about sex and seems almost asexual. It just isn’t a priority for him which has made it not a priority for me, and now it’s been so long I just can’t imagine getting back there.
He’s happy with things the way they are and that makes it harder in some ways...

OP posts:
category12 · 29/03/2020 19:12

What sort of things?

Inappropriatefemale · 29/03/2020 19:13

I always find it very unusual when a man doesn’t like sex, or doesn’t have a high sex drive.

So he is basically a crap shag and says off putting stuff in the bedroom too and even though there is no sex then what’s the point seen as it’s so crapHmm?!

Leave him ASAP and just remain pals, it’s the only thing for it op.

Casmama · 29/03/2020 19:14

Do you want to have children?
Even if you could live like this, and I'm not sure you should, it doesn't sound like that will be possible.

Curious78 · 29/03/2020 19:15

The use of porn has nothing to do with it I feel, nor will it be because he is gay Hmm It just happens! You need to sit down and have a heart to heart with him about it, see where you're both at. It's a lack of communication that's probably got you in this position and the longer you don't address it, the more difficult it will be to turn around and get back the spark. If you want it back, that is.

Inappropriatefemale · 29/03/2020 19:20

Your sex drives are totally incompatible and yes, it has been too long to get it back, it’s not like you have been together for 20 plus years.

In my previous relationships then even when we weren’t getting on then the guys have always still wanted to have sex, as have I, so I don’t think it happens to men as much as it happens to women.

He sounds like he turns you off, what is this ‘skin crawling’ thing he does, can you really get over that?

FTMF30 · 29/03/2020 19:23

Him saying "you're best friends" does sound a bit closet gayish. But you know him way better than us.
I think you need to speak to him again and let him know just how problematic this is for you. Have you also tried to make a special effort to turn him on and see if he takes the bait?
How was your sex life at the start of your relationship and what does he say to make your skin crawl?

FTMF30 · 29/03/2020 19:24

Meant to say, saying your best friends AND happy with no sex seems a bit closet gayish.

Wisteriacottage · 29/03/2020 19:29

Lots of people have sexless relationships although usually it's after having children. A lot of people's sex drive is connected to their desire for DC and once you have the number you want, the desire often diminishes even though it might be taboo to say.

He definitely could be a closet gay because it is common and he might not even realise it yet or want to realise it; again, this is not unusual.

If you are ok with the status quo and put your love for him beyond wanting children or a sex life then I believe you would be making the biggest mistake of your life .

Booksareforkids19 · 29/03/2020 19:33

Are you guys fully attracted to each other?

Curious78 · 29/03/2020 19:37

Can I point out that I was in a sexless relationship due to a life event and at first, I didn't miss it. It had nothing to do with him being a closet gay, me being a closet lesbian, him being a terrible lay, me being a terrible lay, incompatibility or anything else. It's because everything else was amazing. That went on for nearly 4 years before I plucked up the courage to end things due to no improvement (After that length of time, of course you miss sex Grin ) but we didn't communicate and that's why it went wrong. Don't pay attention to calls of dump him, get rid, he must be gay. For the record, my ex was the best I'd ever had.

LellyMcKelly · 29/03/2020 19:39

I was in a sexless marriage for 6 years. Turned out he was gay.

mamato3lads · 29/03/2020 19:47

No, something is very wrong there and it must make you feel like shit. Its not OK for him to do this, you don't have to accept a life with no sex or intimacy, its your choice.

Is he lazy? Depressed?

Isitsixoclockalready · 29/03/2020 19:48

If your sex drives are mismatched, it is unlikely to make for a healthy long relationship. It's not something that you should have to compromise on.

Scott72 · 29/03/2020 19:53

"Could he be gay?" Its more likely he simply has a low libido.

"Porn use can affect intimacy in relationships." It can, but its more of a case of porn/masturbation becoming easier and as satisfying as actual sex when a man's libido becomes low. He may be using porn, but its probably not the main issue.

waytheleaveswork · 29/03/2020 20:00

If it doesn't 'feel right', no amount of intellectualising will help.
I'd suggest individual counselling to explore your feelings, and/or couples counselling.

Well done for facing the hard fact that this relationship isn't working, instead of ploughing on and having a child. I left my DH at 29 after 2 years of marriage. It was horrendous, but when you know it isn't right, it's time to go.

Hope you get some clarity OP.

waytheleaveswork · 29/03/2020 20:03

Also, it doesn't sound like he respects you. Men who respect you care if you enjoy sex.

And it's not your problem alone - it is a relationship problem, and he is 50% responsible.

Scott72 · 29/03/2020 20:08

"Also, it doesn't sound like he respects you. Men who respect you care if you enjoy sex."
But if his libido is low, he won't really be interested. He could force himself to go through the motions mechanically, but I doubt if she'd find this satisfying.