32 and in a sexless marriage

[32andConfused]

Hi all,

I’m looking for some help... As the username and title suggest, I’m 32 and in a sexless marriage.

Myself and my husband have been together for 7 years (7 year itch?) and married for 2 and half.

He has a very good job, is the main breadwinner (I work full time too, I just don’t get paid as much) he kind, loyal, supportive. We have lots in common in terms of travel, hobbies, views on life and we do lots of things together. However there’s just something missing.

Around 6 months before we got married he had issues with his family that caused a lot of stress in our relationship. This continued for the first 12-18 months of our marriage and in that time it was really hard and I felt a distance grow between us.

We’re much better now and both much happier, however in the last 3 years we’ve probably had sex 5 times at most. Not a single time in the last 6 months...

I’m not sure if this is something I can fix.

On the one hand I put it down to all the external stress and issues we had pushing us apart, and I wonder if, with a conscious effort, we could get the physical side back.

But then on the other hand, I just don’t think it’s there. He doesn’t really have a high sexual drive and doesn’t seem to care about foreplay or my end result. He sometimes says things that make my skin crawl and I don’t feel like kissing him, not really kissing him if you know what I mean.

I feel like such a failure, I’ve got a wonderful man who loves me but that physical side has gone. I’ve considered whether I could have an affair, if I could find another man attractive in that way and honestly I could. I haven’t and wouldn’t for moral reasons but it’s not an overall loss of libido is my point.

I have talked about it with him and he knows how I feel, he hasn’t put any pressure on me and has been really respectful saying we’re best friends, but nothing has changed either and I know that the issue is mine.

If anyone has been in a similar position or can offer advice I’d love to hear it. This isn’t a position I ever thought I’d be in...

Thanks everyone for your replies, I really appreciate it and sorry for not replying right away, it’s just hard actually reading it and facing up to the situation.

The hardest part is that we have a nice life and I feel as though it should be enough. We have a lovely little house, go on multiple holidays a year, have good jobs, nice cars, we get on well and don’t argue but some days it can be so quiet I feel like I’m going crazy. We don’t cuddle on the sofa, we don’t kiss, you all know about our (non-existant) sex life at this point! But I feel like I should be happy and grateful for all the things we do have.

Bluebell (and others) - thank you for suggesting counselling. We were booked in at Relate but then he cancelled with all the Coronavirus stuff going on. I’ve suggested video counselling so we’ll see... I quite want him to arrange it to show a bit of effort or fighting spirit though I know I might just have to do it.

@CJ199012 - thank you so much. You’re right that the longer it has gone on, the more I don’t want it. It just feels awkward now and somehow inappropriate which is a ridiculous thing to say but it’s because we feel more like friends or brother and sister. The questions you posted were useful and my answers are the same as yours... Your mum sounds like an absolute star by the way!

@Notsotinydancer - I’m sorry to hear how your self esteem plummeted though I understand, I can feel mine ebbing away... I’m glad to hear you’ve found someone new and it’s really useful to hear from someone who has been through it.

Thank you everyone who has taken the time to reply or privately message me, you’re making me feel much less alone through all of this x

@32andConfused i do exactly this... list all the good things i should be grateful for to validate the few (but no less important!) thing that is missing.

It's normal and to walk away from all the 'things' when your heart needs more is OK, please don't beat yourself up about it. You're probably also fantasising what he 'should' be, your relationship has got so far after all, and that is OK and normal too!

This time during lock down will be a good test for us I think. I used to be so spontaneous, would want to rip his clothes off but rejection after rejection makes the mood taste like lemon now somehow, and i don't do any of these things anymore, in fact I'm just quite bitter about it and if i ask myself honestly, he knows how unhappy i am with this set up. I almost wonder if he's doing it on purpose because he won't break it off!

My OH has suggested counselling too, and like you i'm waiting for him to organise it as quite frankly, he put us in this situation!

I know you love him, and on paper you have it all. It only has to be right for you two, nobody else. For someone else this could be enough but it is OK if it's not enough for you. Be strong x

“The hardest part is that we have a nice life and I feel as though it should be enough. We have a lovely little house, go on multiple holidays a year, have good jobs, nice cars, we get on well and don’t argue but some days it can be so quiet I feel like I’m going crazy. We don’t cuddle on the sofa, we don’t kiss, you all know about our (non-existant) sex life at this point! But I feel like I should be happy and grateful for all the things we do have.”

The problem is that the bits you’re missing are supposed to come from your DP. You could have the material things as a single woman and you could holiday with friends or other family members or indeed alone. So no - you are perfectly entitled to feel that it isn’t enough for a marriage. Perhaps this is just my way of looking at things (as someone well into middle age) but it sounds altogether a bit too settled and pedestrian for 32. Do you want to still be living this life in 40-50 years time?

You don’t say whether or not you want children but if you do then that also requires the intimacy that you’re missing.

One thing not touched upon here but is no less valid, he could be gay but one that is not ready to acknowledge for himself yet, let alone anyone else. Assuming he looks at porn, it would be good to find out what.

We’re a bit like this too.
The threads about this subject on here always scare me a bit because people always seem to think the man is gay or cheating.

Our situation is that we got together and had kids quickly so the ‘honeymoon’ period of lots of sex was very quickly moved into the ‘new parents’ phase where lots of people aren’t having a lot of sex. And we’ve kind of just never got it back. Being completely honest I don’t feel THAT physical desire towards him now and I probably never will but I’m committed to us staying together and we have a perfectly satisfactory relationship otherwise.

I’m only the second person he’s been with and the other was a ONS so it’s not like he had years behind him of regular sex and now all of a sudden he’s stopped wanting it. If I initiated he’d absolutely go with it.

Sorry definitely not a helpful post in any way but you’re not alone. I suppose you just need to decide how important to you sex is - it’s not that important to everyone.

@Dery - you’re right, holidays and things like that are things that could be gained from relationships with family and friends and that’s what it feels more like at the moment.

I do want to have a family and I am fully aware that if I stay in this situation it would likely need to be an immaculate conception but also that I would feel even more alone once we had kids. I do know he’d be a brilliant Dad, he’s so kind and loving and supportive, but I just don’t see it.

As for being gay, I just honestly don’t see it. His family and friends are all very open so there never would have had to be a reason to hide it and I just don’t think he is.

I do think he’s suffered with feeling low which makes me feel like a terrible person for wanting to leave but then that can’t be an excuse for the way sex was in our earlier days. It was good but not mind blowing, never particularly adventurous and he has never been overly bothered about my satisfaction. It just sounds so terrible when you write it all down....

I was in your place at the same age. I waited another 5 years. Run as fast as you can x

Would he see a Dr if his mood is low?

I think the acid test is whether he is prepared to do anything about it.

Please don't settle for a sexless life because he's "nice". Staying with him is preventing you from meeting someone who you are compatible with.

Don't squander your fertility on a man who doesn't care about your needs.

I know this thread is a few months old now - can I ask how everyone is getting on? I’m in the same situation (husband has told me he has no sex drive anymore) but I don’t feel the same way he does. Hoping there’s some magic solution. I’m 25 and he is 26, I can’t spend the next 50 years feeling this rejected.

Hi @Littlewing25 seeing the thread get revived has filled me with mixed emotions but I’m more than happy to give an update.

I split with my husband shortly after this original thread. The advice and words of experience helped me hugely and it’s 100% the right decision.

I moved out and have been living alone for the past 6 months and now we’re about to begin divorce proceedings.

It’s been tough at times but honestly it’s also been a hell of a lot easier than I imagined too.

I’m happier, I feel excited (and a little scared) at the thought of meeting someone new and being able to start a family and have the life I want.

All I will say though is that I know I tried everything so have no regrets. I did the weekends away and holidays, I talked openly about our problems, I read all the books and advice on the internet and even suggested marriage counselling multiple times.

I’m happier now because I know I couldn’t have done any more and I have no regrets. He’s struggling a little and I think it’s because he’ll always have that “what if”.

If you know you’ve done everything you can and you’re still not happy then not feeling loved, desired, or wanted is a perfectly valid reason to leave.

If you want to keep trying then absolutely do but know that you deserve to be loved and you deserve to be happy xx

I'm so happy for you, op, and I can only imagine how hard it was to make the decision to leave. You definitely made the right one.

OP Everyone deserves joy in their lives, and having sex with someone you love should be joyous. It completes you as a couple and makes you special to each other.

I am much older than you and sex is not a massive part of my life like it used to be but every so often we do and it feels right and nice and it tells me that he still fancies me.

At 32 you should still be at it like rabbits IMHO. You did right to split.

Agree, a stable LTR needs a stable and mutually satisfactory sexual side. We've been together 30 years and that wouldn't have been the case were it not for a continued sexual attraction, I doubt we've gone more than a couple of weeks without in all the time we've been together (apart from the aftermath of childbirth).

Sex defines a relationship, without it you are just housemates not partners.

@32andConfused
That’s really good to hear, if slightly nerve wracking, thank you. I hope you are happier now xx

That must be awful for you. People have different sex drives and it's ok in a sexless marriage if both don't want sex but if unequal it can lead to resentment and it already has led to you considering an affair for the sex. Sex is therefore important to you. I have a high sex drive and I couldn't live in a relationship without sex. It's a deal breaker for me.

Would he try some type of counselling so you could work out whether due to stress and something that might improve in the future. If not, would he consider an 'open' marriage where your needs can be met. I couldn't personally but some people do have those arrangements. If not then don't do the affair, the deceit, lies could end you as friends even.

If a friendship type marriage is not for you then perhaps after trying counselling and talking through the above maybe it's time to call it a day?

Good luck, I really do feel for you.

I join a zombie ish thread, although a few months isn't so old.

@32andConfused is there a positive or any update?

She’s updated

OP well done, the end of a marriage is always sad but you did what you could while remembering that what you need is paramount.

I would leave. I'm usually the person to say stay and work it out, I'm not the sort of person that is always posting LTB but this is not a relationship you should stay in.

Men like sex, I appreciate there is a spectrum and everyone's sex drive varies but it is not normal for him to not want sex, at all. He either isn't attracted to you or as other posters suggest is gay. There are no other logical explanation.

And whichever of the two he is, staying in the relationship is going to hurt you even more.

Just saw you left OP!! Good for you, sorry should have RTFT first!!

Well done @32andConfused
Sorry I didn't read the whole thread either.

Great news

Sex defines a relationship, without it you are just housemates not partners.

Exactly this @Anothernick!!!! My counsellor said this exact thing to me when I went to see her to find out if I was just being ridiculous to feel there was something major missing from our relationship. I honestly got to the point where I thought nobody in a LTR or marriage had much sex at all. How wrong I was! She made me see that it was ok to feel so unfulfilled and sad. But when I had the conversation with DH, he was 'insulted' that I felt we had become friends rather than partners. Sorry, but it's true! I'm so pleased for you @32andConfused that you were decisive enough to move on. I am still stuck. I was 34 when our sexless period of the marriage started, and am now 43. It's got to stop! But not easy with kids and a home to think of...... I just want to be happy, that's all.

Just to add, Dh and I have been married for 21 years, together 24. We still have lovely sex, intimacy, cuddles, a love of satisfying each other. More difficult now with two teens in the house and we are in a local lockdown so they are here a lot, now we just have to be more quiet.

But this was to tell you that it does exist, sex in a long term relationship. And not just sex, but great sex. If you ever feel your relationship sliding away, pay attention to it and feed the relationship. Communication is key. Make your needs known, ask them what they need too.

For those missing updates by the OP, you can set MN to highlight the OP's posts with a background colour so you can easily see their posts. This was very handy before the whole "see next, see all" buttons came in.

OP I am sorry that your marriage didn't work out for you. I hope that you are happier and that you find someone who believes that your needs in the bedroom are important, not just theirs.