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Original poster

32 and in a sexless marriage

72 replies

32andConfused · 29/03/2020 18:17

Hi all,

I’m looking for some help... As the username and title suggest, I’m 32 and in a sexless marriage.

Myself and my husband have been together for 7 years (7 year itch?) and married for 2 and half.

He has a very good job, is the main breadwinner (I work full time too, I just don’t get paid as much) he kind, loyal, supportive. We have lots in common in terms of travel, hobbies, views on life and we do lots of things together. However there’s just something missing.

Around 6 months before we got married he had issues with his family that caused a lot of stress in our relationship. This continued for the first 12-18 months of our marriage and in that time it was really hard and I felt a distance grow between us.

We’re much better now and both much happier, however in the last 3 years we’ve probably had sex 5 times at most. Not a single time in the last 6 months...

I’m not sure if this is something I can fix.

On the one hand I put it down to all the external stress and issues we had pushing us apart, and I wonder if, with a conscious effort, we could get the physical side back.

But then on the other hand, I just don’t think it’s there. He doesn’t really have a high sexual drive and doesn’t seem to care about foreplay or my end result. He sometimes says things that make my skin crawl and I don’t feel like kissing him, not really kissing him if you know what I mean.

I feel like such a failure, I’ve got a wonderful man who loves me but that physical side has gone. I’ve considered whether I could have an affair, if I could find another man attractive in that way and honestly I could. I haven’t and wouldn’t for moral reasons but it’s not an overall loss of libido is my point.

I have talked about it with him and he knows how I feel, he hasn’t put any pressure on me and has been really respectful saying we’re best friends, but nothing has changed either and I know that the issue is mine.

If anyone has been in a similar position or can offer advice I’d love to hear it. This isn’t a position I ever thought I’d be in...

OP posts:
GlassOfProsecco · 29/03/2020 20:09

Do you want children, OP?

If so, you are squandering your fertility on a man who doesn't seem to care.

Have you two talked about this?

waytheleaveswork · 29/03/2020 20:12

I agree @scott72, I was picking up specifically on this:

"doesn’t seem to care about foreplay or my end result"

I was trying to show the OP that if she doesn't feel cared for and doesn't feel her concerns are being recognised by her DH, then he can't be that wonderful.

I think the issue is not that he has a low libido, but that he doesn't seem to care about the impact of this on OP.

Anothernick · 29/03/2020 20:14

This is not your issue alone, it is also his issue. He should care about your feelings and at least try to understand and explain why he cannot satisfy you. At your age five times a month would be on the low side, five times in three years is just ridiculous. This has gone on so long now that, as others have said, it's almost certainly insoluble. You are still young, there are better men out there and I think you are going to have to look for one.

Youcunnyfunt · 29/03/2020 20:29

I’ve been there. The only way it can really turn around is if you are both willing to openly communicate. You’ll have to both be open to “dating” and exploring each other, finding common ground in the bedroom.
If you can’t do that, or he is unwilling (or doesn’t want to), it won’t work.
I ended my 8 year relationship because of this (it just escalated - we ended up growing apart and having less and less in common). Good luck.

PrawnSacrifice · 29/03/2020 20:59

@waytheleaveswork "Also, it doesn't sound like he respects you. Men who respect you care if you enjoy sex."

Is that the same when genders are reversed? If so, I guess I've not had much respect over the years.

ThirtyAndASmidgen · 29/03/2020 21:13

I was in a sexless relationship with a man who had a high sex drive but chose porn over me and spent hours a day wanking. It never improved and it nearly destroyed my self-confidence.

GlassOfProsecco · 29/03/2020 21:38

I was in a sexless relationship with a man who had just declined to mention he had recurrent depression; whilst I was being all sympathetic & supportive - turned out he was shagging the accountant at work.

Chiyo666 · 29/03/2020 21:40

I think the wise words of Sweet Brown: “Ain’t nobody got time for that.”

Anothernick · 29/03/2020 21:44

@prawnsacrifice You've obviously been unlucky. My DW is very keen to see me satisfied (and I am equally keen to satisfy her). Mutual enjoyment is the key to a successful relationship.

Bearski77 · 29/03/2020 21:53

No sex (or any normal relationship stuff) for nine years here. I've always suspected he could be gay, he just seems to have no need for sex, and no realisation that I do need it. Not with him though. I've told him we are never going to have sex again because I don't have those feelings for him, and he seems to accept this is OK. I'm 43 and we've got two kids (miraculous!) So please don't wait til you're ten years down the line with huge responsibilities and find yourself stuck. Talk to him, find out why your relationship has gone this way, and split if you're not happy. You're so young! You need a happy life. Good luck x

waytheleaveswork · 29/03/2020 21:55

@prawnsacrifice - sorry to hear that. Yes, I do think caring about your partner's sexual satisfaction is important regardless of gender.

That's not to say I think sexual partners should go along with anything to please their other half, but that mutual respect is needed for both physical and emotional needs.

PrawnSacrifice · 29/03/2020 22:27

Both my ex and DW both seem to feel that I will enjoy the process of trying to please them no matter what, and that just having sex full stop should be enough.

The more I read on here, the more I feel that in reverse, it would not be considered acceptable.

Stuckfornow · 29/03/2020 23:21

I was in your shoes 3.5 years ago, now 4 years no sex at all and I told him I wanted out at the beginning of Feb, I was due to move out on April 1st which has been indefinitely postponed. Atmosphere is pretty awkward here right now! I guess what I’m saying is that unless both of you want to fix this and put a lot of effort in it can’t be done so don’t do what I did and waste years trying to make him change.

AgentJohnson · 30/03/2020 09:27

What was your sex life like pre family issues? It takes two to have sexless marriage, the one who doesn’t want sex and the other who accepts that sex isn’t going to happen.

You need to decide if not having sex is a deal breaker for you. If it is the you need to tell him what impact your crap sex life is having on you. Make it clear that sex Is an important part of your relationship and not having it has changed the dynamic of the relationship and not for the better. Now is the time to resolve the issue before it reaches the point where you no longer care about fixing it.

PicsInRed · 30/03/2020 09:34

Mine was like this. He had strong indicators of high functioning autism.

It's not fixable and, as a PP said, it will destroy you drip, by drip by drip. The only answer is to leave.

You cannot fix this. You can't save him. Save yourself.

Scott72 · 30/03/2020 09:44

"You can't save him". He's probably perfectly fine with rarely if ever having sex.

I can see how higher functioning autism would lead to lack of interest in sex (and perhaps an overreliance on masturbation). Even if you had a sex drive, the degree of emotional intimacy required for sex would be so difficult and draining for people ASD it would destroy much of the enjoyment of sex..

Interestingdrug72 · 30/03/2020 10:39

I think too many people settle for someone unsuitable when it comes to marriage. You effectively marry your friend and then wonder why you aren’t ripping each other’s clothes off. I have only been really sexually attracted to one person after the initial 18m period wore off. We could have had the worse relationship in the world but I would always have wanted to have sex with them as the chemistry was so strong.

Strongmummy · 30/03/2020 10:43

I am in a sexless relationship. I love my partner dearly and I can’t contemplate breaking up our family. He’s incredibly understanding and has said I can find it elsewhere, but I’m scared to do that. It’s tough and I have no answers. All relationships have their issues however and passion dies in most long term relationships. Life is complex

WreckTangle95 · 30/03/2020 10:43

@Chiyo666 😂😂😂

Anothernick · 30/03/2020 11:05

@strongmummy

Actually I don't think passion dies in most long term relationships. On the contrary, continued sexual attraction means a relationship is more likely to endure. That has certainly been my experience, we've been together 30 years, we've had the usual ups and downs but even when things were bad we continued to have sex regularly. I'm not sure we would still be together if intimacy had ceased.

bluebell34567 · 30/03/2020 11:23

he knows there is a problem but trying to drag the marriage in the hope that it will be alright.
dont have an affair or anything, it will be disaster for you.
have couples counselling and go from there.

Strongmummy · 30/03/2020 11:29

@Anothernick I think you’re right. Continued intimacy is vital to a successful relationship. I’m talking about “rip your clothes off/honeymoon period” lust. I think that drops off after a few years , but it’s then when you have to work harder at maintaining your relationship

CJ199012 · 30/03/2020 18:45

Your husband should care more about fixing this situation with you than subjecting you to a sexless marriage. Sexual rejection hurts like no other and will destroy your self esteem. You will try so hard to not believe it's you, and it rarely is!! But it'll start to feel like it is the longer it goes on, and slowly but surely you'll lose interest too. Is it that he just doesn't feel it, or is he struggling physically? That'll affect how long you wait.

Ask yourself this -
Do you want children?
Do you want to have sex for pleasure or just to functionally produce a family?
Do you enjoy sex? Or are you willing to give up on that part of your life in your 20's?

I am in a similar situation and been asking myself the same:
YES
YES for pleasure
NO I am not willing to give it up!

I'm your age, and although not married, I am personally not willing to give up the hope of a family for the man I am with. Sounds extreme, but if it continues how it is for us the only way I'd conceive is through the immaculate conception!! It's driving me insane, and I am angry at him for ruining our relationship by not fixing his own psychological issues that are driving him to not be able to perform. For me, now isn't the time to cool things off as there are so many spinning plates with Covid-19, and nothing is normal! Take your time to make a rational decision and weigh up all the pros and cons.

It's more complex because you're married and there's no easy way to break it off if lack of the sex is the reason, but it IS a VALID reason and it is OK to want your needs met. Crikey, life is so short and if you can find someone who you connect with sexually then you should not stop until you find it. My mum always said to me that if it's between 2 men who are just as kind and devoted, always fall into the arms of the one who is aligned to you sexually.

Good luck to you, keep us posted.

Notsotinydancer · 01/04/2020 16:52

I was in exactly the same position as you at your age and completely empathise. I’m now 45 and can only say that it just tends to get worse. My husband just wasn’t interested in sex and it lessened every year. I spent my 30’s minimising my physical and sexual needs in order to stay married, convincing myself that I’d committed to him so had to put up with it. There were points when I was so lonely and desperate for intimacy and ultimately I missed out on my chance to have children. We split when I was 40 with my esteem through the floor. Don’t let this be you... at 32 you still have time to start again. I managed it, now with someone who definitely doesn’t have those issues and if I was 32 again I’d be packing my bags.

Namesgonenow · 01/04/2020 17:56

Have PMed you.