I do need advice, but please don’t be annoyed if I don’t do exactly what people suggest. I really need to make sure that I get through this with minimal impact to everybody concerned.
DS(21) has autism. He is fairly high-functioning insofar as he has no input from outside agencies and he doesn’t claim any disability related benefits, although this is mostly because he doesn’t accept his diagnosis - at most, he accepts he has ‘some Asperger traits’ but he doesn’t accept that in fact his life is seriously compromised by his disability. He has grandiose ideas (to study medicine, to work abroad) but they have no basis in reality - he thinks saying things in a determined tone is enough.
He left school in 2016 with three A levels, but didn’t get brilliant grades and became notably withdrawn and depressed afterwards. He was definitely quirky at school but he did have friends and seemed mostly okay. I have wondered if perhaps I over encouraged him, and gave him an inflated sense of his own importance. It’s hard to say. Either way, he didn’t do much after leaving school. He did have a couple of jobs but they inevitably didn’t work out. He then got onto a course in 2018 which had work experience and gave him a moderate sum of money. He was asked to leave that at the end of last year, and since then has done NOTHING bar have one job that lasted two weeks.
He stays in bed until noon, then gets up, methodically cleans his teeth and washes his face (but doesn’t shower regularly) and watches Netflix. Sometimes he would go to the gym. His hair grew wild and bushy.
I’ve honestly tried to be supportive, put him on my car insurance so he could get to job interviews, helped with claiming JSA (he can’t claim it now as he left his last job) paid for a haircut (relief I did it just before lockdown) and I do give him money but he squanders it. I know that’s unfair really but he does, he buys Niquitin (he doesn’t even smoke) and before lockdown would for example buy two bus tickets rather than a day one so end up spending £10 instead of £3.
Anyway, on Friday, he gave me something to look after (
) and I was in my bedroom at the time. My job recently disappeared due to coronavirus 
but I did get a large payoff. I have put this in an ISA and I haven’t told DS, possibly unfairly but anyway. I am doing freelance work for a company I used to work for and it is reasonably well paid, but very intricate and tricky to do from home. I have converted my bedroom into a quiet space to do this. I put the thing ds gave me to one side and then I fell asleep and I couldn’t remember for the life of me where to put it. To be fair to him ds wasn’t angry but he did literally turn my room upside down hunting for it. I begged him to stop but it was as if he couldn’t hear me - he very probably couldn’t as when he fixates on one thing everything else does fall by the wayside but even so it was absolutely horrible having your adult son rifle through underwear and jewellery box and perfume and cosmetics. (It eventually turned up in my hair straighteners case, if anyone’s interested.)
Anyway, this will sound ridiculous but I’ve been silently fuming about that all day yesterday. It brought back a really uncomfortable memory of my dad deciding as a teenager that my bedroom was too messy and he took it upon himself to go in, make sticky labels entitled BRAS, KNICKERS and sort my underwear. I’m not suggesting for a moment my dad meant anything inappropriate towards me in doing so, but it was just really humiliating having it happen (both my parents had the attitude that ‘it’s not your room, it’s ours, because it’s our house.’) So that, combined with endless ‘MUUUUUM, MUUUM?’ ‘yes, dear?’ ‘I’ve ... decided I’m going to apply for jobs in India!’ while I’m trying to do fiddly, intricate work (and yes I HAVE asked him PLEASE not to interrupt me) I’ve been feeling thoroughly stressed and fed up with him.
Today he asked for my debit card to go to the shop with, and I said yes and asked him to pick up a drink I like. I added that there was only now £20 in the current account, which isn’t a problem as I will get paid for the work I’ve done tomorrow. DS pulled an incredibly sanctimonious face and loudly said ‘ER, do you think you could try to drink water? Your habit () is costing us a fortune.’
I was furious, and I won’t deny I snapped. He called me a ‘fucking cheeky git’ which HAS really annoyed me - it’s so disrespectful - and started bellowing. To be honest, I was finding it a bit intimidating and this is something we’ve spoken about before in calmer moments, about how he appears bloody scary when he’s angry and this is one of the reasons a few jobs haven’t worked out - and he came looming over me with his fist raised. Nothing happened but I was / am shaken.
I’m not sure what to do now. I do have an adult daughter I could stay with, but she’s a key worker and she has a fiancé and I don’t want to make things tense for them. I also have a partner, who would probably be pleased if I were to move in for a bit but I don’t know what I’d tell him and also it still seems a bit rude almost to plonk myself there.
I could possibly book a hotel or Airbnb normally but of course now I can’t.
So should I grit my teeth and see it out, move in with daughter or dp, or other option? As I’m feeling I just CAN’T stay.