Why Am I So Unlucky?

[disposablegirl]

Hello everyone.
This is going to be a long one, I'm sorry. I just need to put all the details out there and get opinions from you all.

I met this 32-year old guy on tinder. He ticked all my boxes physically and we had a good first date. Things moved pretty quickly. He lives with his very religious parents and I live alone, so all times, he is at mine. He sneaks to mine after work and sometimes lies to his parents that he's traveling for work and spend a week at mine.

About 2 months before meeting, his on and off 4-year relationship had ended. They were engaged to be married and he described the relationship as "toxic". Said his ex would get defensive about things and was stubborn and wouldn't apologise. I think there also was an episode on DV on him by his ex. They had broken up and 2 weeks later, he reached out to his ex to reconcile as usual but she had moved on with another guy. This, he said, broke him. When we discussed this, I could sense he still harboured a lot of anger towards his ex but I understood it was a long term relationship and maybe that was normal.

One night, we went out and my ex literally froze in the club because he saw his ex and her new man. He ignored me and was awkward. We had a row. He apologised and said it was the first time they'd seen since they broke up and he was just shocked. He was angry and made some statements like "did she look happy?" and "see the kind of guy she's with- young and unambitious" and "nobody will love her like I did, she will regret it". All these made me very suspicious that he hadn't gotten over her but he swore he had and was just angry. That night, he told me he loved me. He asked that we become exclusive and we take off all our dating apps which we did.

I noticed that he was not the most thoughtful person. I, on the other hand, am a gift giver and thoughtful. I listened to him- if he said he lost anything and I could afford it, I'd replace it. If I sensed he needed anything, I would get him it- loved the smile on his face when he got surprised. My bf on the other hand struggled to remember I asked him to buy paracetamol when he was coming to mine, forgot my first day at a new job, would not buy groceries voluntarily except I asked (though I cooked for us both), would not even send those mushy messages people sent when they just start dating. At some point, he only said "I love you" after a fight or in response to when I said it.
I asked him frequently if he thought about me and his answer would be "of course" but I explained he had not been intentional with me. Will give a few examples;

1. My bf came home after shopping with his mum to say he had bought vitamins for himself for "immune boosting" against COVID-19. I'm a frontline worker and he did not even think to buy me some.
2. I did not get a message on Valentine's Day. He claimed he doesn't celebrate Valentine's Day because it is "commercialised". I made it clear I do and got him an expensive gift. It was until we had a fight that he bought me flowers.
3. I asked for little notes and cards- the little things. Never got any.
4. I'd mostly cook for us or order take out when he came to mine from work. Not once did he buy groceries to bring to mine. I managed to get some money from him after asking. One time, he finished eating and washed just his plate and left a cup and fork in the sink. Traveled and left the room in a mess despite knowing I was on night shift.

I'm not the most self-confident person. My self esteem is low. After encountering his ex in the club and him ignoring me, I found myself asking him if he's embarrassed of me quite a lot. His ex is a very put together lady and I'm a plain Jane. It didn't help that he would pass harmless comments about my hair or me not making the effort to dress up sometimes (he was right). He would reassure me that I'm beautiful but I didn't believe him.

On his birthday, he had 5 of his friends come to where we live and I housed them all, happily. We had a fight on our night out where he yelled at me and I walked off. He said I ruined his birthday which I apologised for and we made up.

Also, we were meant to see a movie together. He decided to see it and lied to me about it. I was very furious. We had an intense fight about this and I still cringe at how angry I was that day.
It was not just about a movie to me, it was yet another episode of him not "rating" me enough to pay attention to my need or care about my feelings. I apologised for my reaction as well.

He said I hate men! I'm feminist. When we were together, I had a lot of my friends going through divorce/relationship breakdown so I had some not-too-good words to say about men- half serious, half banter. I reassured him I loved him but couldn't stand my friends being hurt.

He asked for a 2-week break, he needed to "sort out" his feelings. 2 days into the break, my bf has activated all his dating apps!
I waited for 2 weeks and asked if he wanted us to try again to which he said "no". His reasons were that we don't share the same value (which I disagree with) and "timing is wrong" as he's still angry about his ex but would consider taking her back if she did the work. "You're amazing though", he said to me.
Why would you leave someone who's amazing?

More on his thoughtlessness- while on the break, a lot of people checked up on me to wish me safety about the Corona Virus situation. Never got a text or call from my ex. I would have checked on him if he was a frontline worker and we were on a break.
Secondly, I was meant to get an implant (contraception) which we both planned and he knew I was nervous about. He promised he would be there to support me. He neither remembered nor cared about it (his reason was "because we are on a break"). I'm sure if we weren't, I would have had to remind him.
He said I took the relationship too seriously and that it was only for 3 months! (Despite him asking that we be exclusive)

We've been broken up for a week now and I can't stop thinking about him. Been crying and not eating. I feel like I invested a lot and lost; like I studied for an exam and failed.

Did I ask for too much? Was I too intense? Will he come back?

Thank you x

Why would you want him back?

He sounds like a complete douche

Lucky escape!!! You sound kind and thoughtful and deserve so much more. Never mind will he come back, don’t let him if he wanted to!! Use this current climate to work on yourself and Build your confidence and save yourself for someone worthy of you. Please move on!! You’re too young to time waste on someone so thoughtless.

I wouldn't say you are unlucky. I'd say he is a bit of a dick.

It was clear from early on that he was still hankering after his ex. That should have been the time for you to move on really.

Either the two of them carry on like this all the time, breaking up and then dragging other people in to their drama or he's actually not over his last relationships. It makes life more interesting for them.

Even without the previous relationship drama you aren't compatible in other areas.

You like notes, cooking for something to show you care and being with someone thoughtful. He likes thinking of himself, ignoring people in pubs and going to the cinema without you.

I think he's right when he says your values are not the same and the timing is not right.

Unless you are counting the value that you both think he's the bees knees! 🐝

Three months is quite a short amount of time and I think you've had a lucky escape really.

I think you have had a lucky escape if its this intense and him treating you like this after three months imagine what he will be like three years down the line at the three month level he should be going out of his way to make you feel like the important person in his life and should be doing things to impress you not make you feel like an after thought

He is awful and you are very lucky to be away from him, however these types create a trauma bond which is why you struggle to forget about him, however you will. No contact and time will get you there.

Rather than see yourself as unlucky realise you are fortunate to have seen the red flags.

The real problem is you low self esteem. There were so many warning signs that you should have dumped him, but you clung to him and forgave things you shouldn't.

It's a veryvgood thing this ended. He was in no way good enough for you x

Idcsuggest counselling to sort out your self esteem or this is going to be an ongoing problem for you.

We are treated the way we allow ourselves to be treated. Someone with healthy self esteem that loved themselves would not have tolersted what you did.

Planning a baby? Oh my days op..
Block and never contact him again.

A 32 yr old man shouldn't be living with his parents unless for exceptional, short term circumstances.
I'm presuming he works? Why isnt he renting or gotten himself a mortgage?

His parents being very religious is generally another red flag.

You let him come round to yours all the time because he couldn't have you round to his place - cause he doesnt have a place .. uneven balance in the relationship from the beginning. He's an adult, a grown man. He should be equally providing somewhere for the relationship to take place, as it were. If he temporarily could t do that then he should've compensated for you hosting him/the relationship at your home by arranging an occasional night away or break somewhere nice. Doesn't have to break the bank, just to reciprocate you providing the accommodation, utilities, privy food etc.

He sounds like he'd never do that because he also sounds stingy - as well. The Valentine's day thing - why the fk were you getting him an expensive present when he said he didn't "do valentine's" a d when you're early in a new relationship.

He cleat sounds hung up on his ex and not over it, they broke up fairly recently right?
So he was on the rebound too.

You're not unlucky, you just ignored about five red flags and give far too much too soon.

*clearly sounds

You’ve had a lucky escape because he sounds like a dick who’s not over his ex.

BUT, you are expecting people to do things that you value and come naturally to you maybe (notes, buying things etc.) that don’t to them and finding they fall short when they don’t meet your expectations.

I used to think I wanted all that stuff but my DH is not that kind of person really. I know he loves me because he does other stuff for me, which does come naturally to him and it means the world.

Maybe something to consider for your next relationship - asking for these declarations of affection are just worthless if they aren’t driven by their wish to do them for you.

His ex is a very put together lady and I'm a plain Jane

And what - she also, according to him, was domestically violent to him and moves in very quickly to other men when they split up. There are things equally or more important than looks.

Btw claims by men that a woman was violent towards them often turn out to be - at the very least - two way.

He sounds horrible, had treated you very poorly and is not over his ex. You are lucky he’s gone. Your problem is not being unlucky, it’s being insecure and accepting poor behaviour when you should be sending him packing. Look at actions, not what they say.

You dodged a bullet.
Now you have written this down come back often to read it over
Lesson im.sure you have learnt.
You are extremely lucky and will meet the right person
Tinder has some successes but also lots of not so successful relationship of note xx

Sorry but he's a fucking moron. Good riddance.
He was just using you and he isn't coming back.
I wanted to kick him out after the first paragraph and he definitely is not over his ex who clearly feels she can do better.
Stop being "Nice"
Build up your self esteem.
You don't need lazy selfish men.

I agree with the other comments. You have dodged a bullet and he sounds like a using dick. Many men out like that pray on nice people like you. Give it a few weeks you will have a clear head and see him for what he is

He is still in love with his ex and I bet she broke up with him as he was a thoughtless twat with her as well.

I bet he was selfish in bed too.

You are well rid. Dont to back there, ever!

Why would you want to get back with him?

He's just not that into you. He certainly doesn't love you.

He need to work on your self esteem, because you deserve much better than the way he's treated you.

He sounds like a dick who used you while on the rebound from his ex. You sound like you have low self esteem and clung to him and the relationship like a barnacle.

It shouldn’t be this difficult 3 months in.

You are much better off without him. You are worth so much more

He became your whole world very quickly, his world was still his ex. You were there to smooth the pain and distract him a bit, but you were never his priority, he didn't feel for you the way he did for her and wasn't interested in focusing on you to see if things could really progress.

It was all wrong from the start and you hung on to something that was almost doomed from the start. You should have let it go as soon as it was obvious he still cared for his ex but it sounds like you were hooked from that first date.

It's ok, lesson learned, break-ups are very tough, but better to move on now, it would only have been heartache staying with him.

The other thing about this is - that if he made comments about your hair or you not dressing up .. and you describe yourself as more of a plain Jane type .. that you're probably naturally a more low maintenance, not dressy, not into make up eyc type person; and why should you have to change that? At all but esp for someone like him. You could find a nice bloke who's into a more natural, casual woman and not have to get into doing things that you wouldn't be doing normally to suit him.

You’re not unlucky. Stop telling yourself that.

You’re ignoring major red flags.

This is one ” He sneaks to mine after work and sometimes lies to his parents that he's traveling for work and spend a week at mine. ”

This is a man who says what he thinks you want to hear, not the truth. This doesn’t mean that you’re not lovable. It means you focused on his words and ignored his actions.

There are many many things you describe in your post where the better thing to do instead of giving him chance after chance would be to say, “ This isn’t working, bye”.

Take this time as an opportunity to have a proper break and time to reflect. Maybe read something like “Women who love too much”. It will help you see that you’re not unlucky, you just need to be quicker in spotting and binning guys that aren’t right for you.

You mention arguing quite often, is a relationship worth it if your often argue.
He said you take the relationship to seriously, in that statement it sums it up.
Perhaps his expectations where exclusive but not serious relationship.
Next time be evading some of the guys spaces and friends to get a real feel for what he is like and how he treats you.
He was not emotionally involved.
He has not contacted to check on you because he has moved on with the apps I am guessing he's off to play the field until he finds his ex in another person.
I would not feel bad, now you know you have expectations weather or not they can be fullfilled is maybe going to take some time.

He sneaks to mine after work and sometimes lies to his parents that he's traveling for work and spend a week at mine.

People who have religious parents/family often end up being stressful to be in a serious relationship with let alone married to, they do not generally make good in-laws.

As to the above - really fkg weird dynamic with his parents. He can't be honest with them that he's seeing someone - why not?

Too soon in their eyes - well then his only honest options are to not see someone else for quite a bit longer (which would be a good idea since he's clearly not over his ex)or have the balls to stand up for himself and be honest with his parents.

He can't do either - so he's a liar and immature too.

He's probably worried about conflict at home or being kicked out - which brings us back to the point of why any normal, well adjusted 32 yr old grown adult man is living with his parents for any amount of time.

It didn't help that he would pass harmless comments about my hair or me not making the effort to dress up sometimes

If I was a naturally casual, low maintenance woman (I am btw, I dress up on rare occasions but run around casual with no makeup the rest of the time) and a guy said that to me ,- any guy but especially some guy who stays at my place all the time because he had no independent place of his own and has brought five if his friends to my place for me to host (!!!!) I'd say "aw are you offering to buy me a new outfit, or pay for me to get my hair done?; that's so sweet!".

Except he'd never do that because he can't even get his new gf a valentine's Day present. He seems to all take, take, take.

@gilbertmarkham

Trying to reply. Not sure if this will post.