Hello everyone.
This is going to be a long one, I'm sorry. I just need to put all the details out there and get opinions from you all.
I met this 32-year old guy on tinder. He ticked all my boxes physically and we had a good first date. Things moved pretty quickly. He lives with his very religious parents and I live alone, so all times, he is at mine. He sneaks to mine after work and sometimes lies to his parents that he's traveling for work and spend a week at mine.
About 2 months before meeting, his on and off 4-year relationship had ended. They were engaged to be married and he described the relationship as "toxic". Said his ex would get defensive about things and was stubborn and wouldn't apologise. I think there also was an episode on DV on him by his ex. They had broken up and 2 weeks later, he reached out to his ex to reconcile as usual but she had moved on with another guy. This, he said, broke him. When we discussed this, I could sense he still harboured a lot of anger towards his ex but I understood it was a long term relationship and maybe that was normal.
One night, we went out and my ex literally froze in the club because he saw his ex and her new man. He ignored me and was awkward. We had a row. He apologised and said it was the first time they'd seen since they broke up and he was just shocked. He was angry and made some statements like "did she look happy?" and "see the kind of guy she's with- young and unambitious" and "nobody will love her like I did, she will regret it". All these made me very suspicious that he hadn't gotten over her but he swore he had and was just angry. That night, he told me he loved me. He asked that we become exclusive and we take off all our dating apps which we did.
I noticed that he was not the most thoughtful person. I, on the other hand, am a gift giver and thoughtful. I listened to him- if he said he lost anything and I could afford it, I'd replace it. If I sensed he needed anything, I would get him it- loved the smile on his face when he got surprised. My bf on the other hand struggled to remember I asked him to buy paracetamol when he was coming to mine, forgot my first day at a new job, would not buy groceries voluntarily except I asked (though I cooked for us both), would not even send those mushy messages people sent when they just start dating. At some point, he only said "I love you" after a fight or in response to when I said it.
I asked him frequently if he thought about me and his answer would be "of course" but I explained he had not been intentional with me. Will give a few examples;
- My bf came home after shopping with his mum to say he had bought vitamins for himself for "immune boosting" against COVID-19. I'm a frontline worker and he did not even think to buy me some.
- I did not get a message on Valentine's Day. He claimed he doesn't celebrate Valentine's Day because it is "commercialised". I made it clear I do and got him an expensive gift. It was until we had a fight that he bought me flowers.
- I asked for little notes and cards- the little things. Never got any.
- I'd mostly cook for us or order take out when he came to mine from work. Not once did he buy groceries to bring to mine. I managed to get some money from him after asking. One time, he finished eating and washed just his plate and left a cup and fork in the sink. Traveled and left the room in a mess despite knowing I was on night shift.
I'm not the most self-confident person. My self esteem is low. After encountering his ex in the club and him ignoring me, I found myself asking him if he's embarrassed of me quite a lot. His ex is a very put together lady and I'm a plain Jane. It didn't help that he would pass harmless comments about my hair or me not making the effort to dress up sometimes (he was right). He would reassure me that I'm beautiful but I didn't believe him.
On his birthday, he had 5 of his friends come to where we live and I housed them all, happily. We had a fight on our night out where he yelled at me and I walked off. He said I ruined his birthday which I apologised for and we made up.
Also, we were meant to see a movie together. He decided to see it and lied to me about it. I was very furious. We had an intense fight about this and I still cringe at how angry I was that day.
It was not just about a movie to me, it was yet another episode of him not "rating" me enough to pay attention to my need or care about my feelings. I apologised for my reaction as well.
He said I hate men! I'm feminist. When we were together, I had a lot of my friends going through divorce/relationship breakdown so I had some not-too-good words to say about men- half serious, half banter. I reassured him I loved him but couldn't stand my friends being hurt.
He asked for a 2-week break, he needed to "sort out" his feelings. 2 days into the break, my bf has activated all his dating apps!
I waited for 2 weeks and asked if he wanted us to try again to which he said "no". His reasons were that we don't share the same value (which I disagree with) and "timing is wrong" as he's still angry about his ex but would consider taking her back if she did the work. "You're amazing though", he said to me.
Why would you leave someone who's amazing?
More on his thoughtlessness- while on the break, a lot of people checked up on me to wish me safety about the Corona Virus situation. Never got a text or call from my ex. I would have checked on him if he was a frontline worker and we were on a break.
Secondly, I was meant to get an implant (contraception) which we both planned and he knew I was nervous about. He promised he would be there to support me. He neither remembered nor cared about it (his reason was "because we are on a break"). I'm sure if we weren't, I would have had to remind him.
He said I took the relationship too seriously and that it was only for 3 months! (Despite him asking that we be exclusive)
We've been broken up for a week now and I can't stop thinking about him. Been crying and not eating. I feel like I invested a lot and lost; like I studied for an exam and failed.
Did I ask for too much? Was I too intense? Will he come back?
Thank you x