Why Am I So Unlucky?

[disposablegirl]

Hello everyone.
This is going to be a long one, I'm sorry. I just need to put all the details out there and get opinions from you all.

I met this 32-year old guy on tinder. He ticked all my boxes physically and we had a good first date. Things moved pretty quickly. He lives with his very religious parents and I live alone, so all times, he is at mine. He sneaks to mine after work and sometimes lies to his parents that he's traveling for work and spend a week at mine.

About 2 months before meeting, his on and off 4-year relationship had ended. They were engaged to be married and he described the relationship as "toxic". Said his ex would get defensive about things and was stubborn and wouldn't apologise. I think there also was an episode on DV on him by his ex. They had broken up and 2 weeks later, he reached out to his ex to reconcile as usual but she had moved on with another guy. This, he said, broke him. When we discussed this, I could sense he still harboured a lot of anger towards his ex but I understood it was a long term relationship and maybe that was normal.

One night, we went out and my ex literally froze in the club because he saw his ex and her new man. He ignored me and was awkward. We had a row. He apologised and said it was the first time they'd seen since they broke up and he was just shocked. He was angry and made some statements like "did she look happy?" and "see the kind of guy she's with- young and unambitious" and "nobody will love her like I did, she will regret it". All these made me very suspicious that he hadn't gotten over her but he swore he had and was just angry. That night, he told me he loved me. He asked that we become exclusive and we take off all our dating apps which we did.

I noticed that he was not the most thoughtful person. I, on the other hand, am a gift giver and thoughtful. I listened to him- if he said he lost anything and I could afford it, I'd replace it. If I sensed he needed anything, I would get him it- loved the smile on his face when he got surprised. My bf on the other hand struggled to remember I asked him to buy paracetamol when he was coming to mine, forgot my first day at a new job, would not buy groceries voluntarily except I asked (though I cooked for us both), would not even send those mushy messages people sent when they just start dating. At some point, he only said "I love you" after a fight or in response to when I said it.
I asked him frequently if he thought about me and his answer would be "of course" but I explained he had not been intentional with me. Will give a few examples;

1. My bf came home after shopping with his mum to say he had bought vitamins for himself for "immune boosting" against COVID-19. I'm a frontline worker and he did not even think to buy me some.
2. I did not get a message on Valentine's Day. He claimed he doesn't celebrate Valentine's Day because it is "commercialised". I made it clear I do and got him an expensive gift. It was until we had a fight that he bought me flowers.
3. I asked for little notes and cards- the little things. Never got any.
4. I'd mostly cook for us or order take out when he came to mine from work. Not once did he buy groceries to bring to mine. I managed to get some money from him after asking. One time, he finished eating and washed just his plate and left a cup and fork in the sink. Traveled and left the room in a mess despite knowing I was on night shift.

I'm not the most self-confident person. My self esteem is low. After encountering his ex in the club and him ignoring me, I found myself asking him if he's embarrassed of me quite a lot. His ex is a very put together lady and I'm a plain Jane. It didn't help that he would pass harmless comments about my hair or me not making the effort to dress up sometimes (he was right). He would reassure me that I'm beautiful but I didn't believe him.

On his birthday, he had 5 of his friends come to where we live and I housed them all, happily. We had a fight on our night out where he yelled at me and I walked off. He said I ruined his birthday which I apologised for and we made up.

Also, we were meant to see a movie together. He decided to see it and lied to me about it. I was very furious. We had an intense fight about this and I still cringe at how angry I was that day.
It was not just about a movie to me, it was yet another episode of him not "rating" me enough to pay attention to my need or care about my feelings. I apologised for my reaction as well.

He said I hate men! I'm feminist. When we were together, I had a lot of my friends going through divorce/relationship breakdown so I had some not-too-good words to say about men- half serious, half banter. I reassured him I loved him but couldn't stand my friends being hurt.

He asked for a 2-week break, he needed to "sort out" his feelings. 2 days into the break, my bf has activated all his dating apps!
I waited for 2 weeks and asked if he wanted us to try again to which he said "no". His reasons were that we don't share the same value (which I disagree with) and "timing is wrong" as he's still angry about his ex but would consider taking her back if she did the work. "You're amazing though", he said to me.
Why would you leave someone who's amazing?

More on his thoughtlessness- while on the break, a lot of people checked up on me to wish me safety about the Corona Virus situation. Never got a text or call from my ex. I would have checked on him if he was a frontline worker and we were on a break.
Secondly, I was meant to get an implant (contraception) which we both planned and he knew I was nervous about. He promised he would be there to support me. He neither remembered nor cared about it (his reason was "because we are on a break"). I'm sure if we weren't, I would have had to remind him.
He said I took the relationship too seriously and that it was only for 3 months! (Despite him asking that we be exclusive)

We've been broken up for a week now and I can't stop thinking about him. Been crying and not eating. I feel like I invested a lot and lost; like I studied for an exam and failed.

Did I ask for too much? Was I too intense? Will he come back?

Thank you x

@gilbertmarkham oh yeah it did.

Thank you for your reply.

His parents are staunch Christians who believe you have to get a wife from church. They also believe if you are dating anyone, you have to do it publicly lest you have premarital sex!

I raised concerns about him still living at home, especially a home that constrictive and he said it was because he had just moved back from Dubai (after working there for 3 years) and was trying to buy a house. On our first date, he told me he was looking at renting an apartment. As we got closer, he said he wasn't going to rent anymore and he would wait till summer 2020 to buy a house. I chose not to bring it up anymore because it made him embarrassed.

Piece of advice for all relationships.

Don't worry about whether you're good enough for them; think about whether they're good enough for you.

You're a stable, together woman with a good job and your own place. You don't live with Manmy and daddy. You don't lie people you're supposed to be close to and who support you about where you are and what you're doing (for a week at a time!) You're emotionally available and not on the rebound.
(Too emotionally available, one might argue).

"Plain Jane" - for the vast majority of women, "plainness" or lack of is down to his much time, effort and money you're willing to put into grooming and how much you can be bothered dressing up. I've had the same (creepy, mal adjusted) older bloke say to his friend that I look like nothing much/aren't good looking .. and then comment on Joe giid I look and him being wrong on a later occasion -because i happened to be dressed up with a low cut top, cleavage, red lipstick etc.

Ime men who Canty/don't recognize women as attractive when not dressed up and made up tend to be ,- shall we say - not particularly intelligent.

@gilbertmarkham

I am a very casual jeans and T-shirt type of girl. I wear make up but minimal. I only started wearing high heel shoes when I met him.

The comments made me very self-aware and I am ashamed to admit I even got a Botox and applied for braces for my teeth when he said he was into his ex. His ex is a beauty specialist so I stared so much at her picture and wanted to look as glam as her. All these aren't healthy, I know. I've since started therapy.

You know this is unhealthy, you have made all the observations. As much as it hurts know that this is wrong for you and move the bar much, much higher for a bf. Perhaps you can only do this if you value yourself more. Maybe your heart is breaking because it was all the wrong things a relationship can be and that's a really sorry experience. Big breath, don't look back look forwards.

He’s selfish, disloyal and dishonest. You are well rid.

Block him on all media, never acknowledge his existence again and find someone lovely x

You are not unlucky, just terrible with boundaries and seeing red flag.

I would have walked away the moment he told me he was only 2 months out of a long term relationship.

His parents are staunch Christians who believe you have to get a wife from church.

If you're weren't already broken up, I'd be saying RUN.

Those types are not good people to marry into.

*They also believe if you are dating anyone, you have to do it publicly lest you have premarital sex!"

Actually I agree with the first part - but nothing to do with premarital sex .. but because it's disrespectful, sneaky, dishonest and lacking integrity to carry on a relationship with someone, engage their feelings, use their resources, risk pregnancy (contraception can fail). etc etc while not being open with everyone that you're Inna relationship with them.

@Mycatismadeofstringcheese

Thank you. Who's this book by please? As @gilbertmarkham said, I think I'm too emotionally available. This has been the pattern in my life.

I give so much into relationships and not get anything back. Most times, my ex want to come back and start doing the thoughtful things after I break up. This is not flattering for me at all as I recognise I'm being taken unseriously until I make a decision to leave.

Spent about £1000 on gifts (birthday, Christmas and valentine's) in a short 3 months, minus the free food. It's not normal. Something's wrong with me and I need to know what.

@dontdisturbmenow

You're very correct. Licking my wounds now and hoping to do better moving forward. Thank you x

*I am a very casual jeans and T-shirt type of girl. I wear make up but minimal. I only started wearing high heel shoes when I met him.

The comments made me very self-aware and I am ashamed to admit I even got a Botox and applied for braces for my teeth when he said he was into his ex.*

Honestly, you're not suited to each other.

You shouldn't have to change things like this to feel like someone is attracted to you. Lots of guys are fine with a woman who's fairly casual and low maintenance the cast majority of the time. They value other things equally or more (or they're more realistic and reasonable).

Alongside that I'd actually say the fact that he made those comments and they made you feel you had to do things like that - mean you're an unhealthy combination .. and that he's borderline abusive.

@disposablegirl, Good luck to you. It's hard enough to move ion in times you can more easily distract yourself, another matter in lockdown, but you'll do it and come out of it stronger.

His ex is a beauty specialist so I stared so much at her picture and wanted to look as glam as her.

Beauty therapists are extremely likely to be super groomed and made up, it's their job and usually their personal interest/hobby too.

It's not yours - or any other woman who's not a beauty therapist or crazy into grooming and makeup.

Fwiw I think a lot of the stuff people do to make themselves look groomed or "better" make the look ridiculous ... And they're so into it they can't see it.

Botox can make you look like a wax work if you get much at all.

Those gigantic dark 3d eyebrows look ridiculous.

Too many eyelashes - same, there's a tipping point and they often go past it.

Lip injections/implants - mostly they end up looking trout pouty and like clone blow up dolls.

Wow 3 months! I was reading it like you had been together for 3 years!

Firstly, I think you're a little bit intense. Not many people's relationships are like fairytales - little mushy notes etc I as a female wouldn't like a partner doing that for me so I wouldn't do it for him.

Secondly, it sounds like he was never that into you. And you were more of a rebound person. You say he only came to yours because he lived with his parents but how many other girls was he seeing at the same time?

I think you've had a lucky escape. It sounds like he didn't appreciate you. You sound like you are a nice person so start loving yourself more and find someone who appreciates you! Go straight back on to online dating and talk to other guys or anything that will stop you texting or ringing him. I promise you will get over him but you need to cut him from your life first.

This has got to be a joke. Right?

he said it was because he had just moved back from Dubai (after working there for 3 years) and was trying to buy a house. On our first date, he told me he was looking at renting an apartment. As we got closer, he said he wasn't going to rent anymore and he would wait till summer 2020 to buy a house. I chose not to bring it up anymore because it made him embarrassed.

People work in Dubai to make (serious) money - what happened to his that he hadn't got the deposit and first month's rent for a place of his own?

Si he keeps putting off moving out - sounds lazy, convenient, immature - or maybe under parents thumb .. none of which sound good.

Maybe they want yo stop him having extramarital sex and think.him having his own place will make it super easy/inevitable. They probably want to see him married (when are they going to start setting him up with church people's daughters, another thing that would've cropped up) before he moves out.

So he just takes the easy route and then lies to them about being away with work while he stays with and shags his gf he can't be honest about .. all kinds of fucked up and wrong.

Sorry just seen a second page has occurred since I opened the first ages ago. Clearly not a joke and I’m glad you’re in therapy.

He sounds utterly charmless. I would use this period of social isolation to break the habit of seeing him. Shouldn't this be the Honeymoon period? You are setting yourself up for relentless disappointment if you continue to pursue this dubious dude.

Sounds like you should read some of "The Rules" books and "he's just not that into you," s also a surprising good book.

"Why men love bitches" is worth a look too.

It all sounds very dysfunctional and toxic. I'd suggest taking things much much slower in future and reading up on red flags: there were an abundance of them that you appear to have missed.

@gilbertmarkham

I asked the same question about his money from Dubai. He said he went on a European tour with his ex to salvage their relationship and blew it. He was jobless and had to go on benefit for a while.

Stating the obvious, he's quite stingy so I really was never able to tease apart his financial status. Thought it was too early to dive deep but I knew something wasn't right.

He sounds like a waster who is not over his ex. I would steer clear, it’ll only end in heartbreak.

But expecting little love notes is quite unrealistic from an adult male I think! I would maybe lower your expectations on that one!

He said he went on a European tour with his ex to salvage their relationship and blew it.

At 22 - maybe.

At 32 - not somebody you want to be throwing your lot in with. Too stupid not to blow his savings fro working in the middle East for three years (or potential house deposit/rental/contingency money) on an extended holiday with a beauty therapist who he says hit him and moved on in a flash when they broke up.

Can't stand up to or be honest with his parents.

Takes advantage of your living arrangements/independence for him (and his friends) while not being able to but you a decent valentine's present.

Sounds like he and his towie reject ex were actually quite well suited - you can do better. Be glad he's so flaky and on the rebound that he ended it ... It would actually be much worse for you if you were still in it.

Btw I always wonder how much of people wit religious parents' excuses/story is truly down to tgevoarehts and his much they become a convenient scapegoat for whatever he person themselves wants to do, or not.

Suspicious and a very bad sign that he's essentially hidden your relationship from his family.

TL: DR

You need better standards.
Get therapy or read self help books and work on your self-esteem.

This is a low quality guy with red flags all over the place and you want him back???

I got to About 2 months before meeting, his on and off 4-year relationship had ended. They were engaged to be married and he described the relationship as "toxic". and thought riiiiight 🙄 here we go

truly down to the parents and how much they become a convenient scapegoat for whatever the person themselves wants to do, or not.

I don’t think you’re unlucky. All the warning signs were right there in your face from the beginning and you chose to ignore them.

I think you should take a break from relationships and work on building your self esteem. So that the next time you’ll be able to spot the red flags right away and know to avoid.