Out of abusive relationship but struggling to look back at the time and remember anything.

[Fightingback16]

I’m not sure where to post those, it’s about mental health but created from abusive relationship.

I was in the relationship for 11 years. I left a year ago but the realisation has only happened a few months ago. I now know I had a couple of breakdowns over the years, followed by a big one which pushed me to leave him. I never went back or had any feelings my of going back. Then a few weeks ago because of the realisation of what happened to me I was heading for another breakdown. It’s passed, I know longer am in crisis.

What I feel though is strange. I can’t seem to be able to look back over the 11 years and remember anything, it feels like it was someone else. Yesterday really stupidly I looked back on my Facebook wall at the posts and pics I did over those years and I don’t really recognise them, it makes me feel anxious because I can’t get to it in my brain. Is this normal, is it just my brains way of saying we don’t know how to process what’s happened so we hide it from you. I don’t want to go poking around in my brain if it will cause me to hurt myself. I’m through the other end but I feel odd. It’s like it happened but didn’t happen. Do I just draw a line, accept that I’ve lost a big chunk of memory. I was in survival mode and it feels like by brain was switched off. My brain hasn’t really recorded any memories but it knows that it wasn’t nice.
I hope this makes sense.

[Fightingback16]

Every day I love my daughter a little more and we laugh more and more. I feel s**t to think that I should be loving her that’s what mums do. I had totally forgotten what love felt like.

[12345kbm]

To be clear:

1. Don't do anything that triggers you. Avoid triggers.
2. Acknowledge feelings. Try not to repress them.
3. Self care is important as is kindness to self.

4.Counter negative feelings about self/experience with positive.

1. Focus on the future.

Rumination is a common feature of post traumatic stress disorder. It causes heightened arousal and anxiety. Rumination is part of a feedback loop which makes your PTSD worse. However, so is suppression. The aim here is to replace maladaptive strategies (rumination, suppression,avoidance) with more adaptive strategies.

I've given you those strategies and it's up to you to find something that works for you.

[Fightingback16]

Thank you

[Fightingback16]

@12345kbm I’m looking in the wrong direction. My husband didn’t cause my problem he only took it and kept me living in it. I was always going to end up in this situation because of the way I was brought up. I’ve accepted his abuse because I didn’t know real love and emotional intimacy and then I just got abused into staying by a narcissist. I told him all my deepest fears and he used them to stop me leaving and he literally flogged me to love him and make him the center of attention. People who love people help people and support people to grow. I helped him, WAY to much in the beginning, then I just completely lost myself. I left because I felt he was trying to turn my daughter away from me, he almost succeeded, he almost had me believe I was too damaged to be a mum, he told me I was an emotional stone like my own mum, he was also trying to turn my grief from my dad to him. He tried to turn the only 2 people I loved into something to flog me with. He underestimated how much pain I was willing to go through for my little girl, leaving was more painful then staying and the thought of the damage he’d do to Dd for my own insecurities was too great.
What I need to learn from this and why I can’t stop the pain is because I tried to fix the wrong person and I got him to try and fix me. I feel like a child, she is the one who was hurt. I do deserve better then this. I have come so far and really all on my own whilst in constant war over control of my emotions.

[12345kbm]

That's incredible insight. You have so much self awareness and understanding. I think that what may help you now is some reading on child neglect and dysfunctional dynamics. It might help you gain further insight into your behaviour in relationships.

[Fightingback16]

I understand what I was seeking from him, I was just never going to get it. I do know how relationships work, I had a 5 year normal one but this man snatched me out of it. I understand communication and love and safety and personal space and respect. I’ll be honest, I made a massive error at the beginning. Coerced obviously which kind of sealed my fait, I went to his home country and married him in secret because he didn’t have a passport and he told me all manor of lies. I complied, he said that we would do it all properly and tell my family later...obviously never happened, it was a trap. Every time I got more confidence and wanted to go he’d flog my mum. He has created a bigger situation then it was.
I should be proud of myself for getting out given how trapped I have been, physically and mentally. I must be stronger then I give myself credit. I’m out even sure my issues are as big as he made them out to be. I’m a grown up now.

[Fightingback16]

Ok @12345kbm this is the last time I’m putting anymore headspace into this matter. I have an explanation, a kind of closure on why. I’ve stopped the mental confusion of having 2 beliefs in my head. I’ve come to this, he is like a 3 year old that hits out when you say no, that part of his brain never developed from his childhood. Like a child he is not aware of his actions and the consequences because it’s simply not developed. Nothing was therefore my fault, or something he did intentionally to hurt me. It’s something he will never be able to change, or discover he has, Empathy and the needs of others just doesn’t exist, he is ego centric like a child. My slightly immature brain had lower boundaries and other issues kept me tied, which as an adult I have insight into and will NEVER happen again. Now it’s just coping with the consequences of going through that and having the memories.

[Humanswarm]

Hi OP.
I left my abusive relationship over 12 years ago. I since remarried and life got much better..but I cannot remember my son's first years. I can't remember things I see in photos..I don't remember his first steps, any of his firsts really..I don't recall his birthday or Christmases when I was with his Dad..I've had counselling and did the freedom programme back then when it was fairly new...I have never got those memories back though. My ex died last year..and that news sent me spiralling back but, I remembered and relived the awful bits but still couldn't remember..I guess it's my mind protecting me..it makes me sad but I have come to terms with it..our minds do remarkable things to protect us..

[Fightingback16]

I’ve read that living in constant fight or flight causes the part of the brain that deals with memory to shrink. I guess it’s a side effect that has both positives and negatives. We lost the bad times but also the good. I think my focus is to accept that’s happened and create 100’s and 100’s of better ones.

[Fightingback16]

You know what is really rubbish @12345kbm. When I manage to get my anxiety in check by convincing myself I’m safe and it’s over etc I really don’t feel much of anything else. It’s rubbish. It just makes me realise how long I’ve lived working only on anxious energy and thoughts. I look back at myself and see a zombie, a puppet. Flapping around all over the place trying to get him to love me, convinced it was my fault I was faulty. It’s really sad, all along it was him. I can’t remember a single emotional feeling with him past the first year of marriage, apart from anxious and the feeling from loosing my dad. I can’t remember my daughters birth nothing. I was emotionally non existent. This is not a pleasant feeling! I hope they come back. I downloaded the c-PTSD book but I can’t get the bloody thing to go on my kindle!

[12345kbm]

I'm sorry you're struggling and this isolation isn't making it any better, it just gives more time to ruminate.

The Pete Walker book is really good, even if you don't have C-PTSD as it teaches you about the effects of trauma, how it changes you, how to deal with the effects and strategies for healing.

There's a Chinese saying, 'You can only go halfway into the darkest forest; then you are coming out the other side.'

You're coming out the other side now and it's hard. You're doing really well though, doing everything you can.

[Fightingback16]

Way too much time on my hands, I need to make connections now. I’ve just decided that I need to get used to my emotions again now that they are mine. I will change the direction of my anxious energy from the past to the future. I want my house back. He is still holding me hostage, even more so with the CCTV system. It’s been 15 months now of him saying he is desperate to move on and move out but obviously he is not. I did every piece of decorating and furniture building etc, it’s my identity, my possessions, my hard work. It was my dream to buy and renovate a house. He still has all the pictures of me on the walls, that’s odd. I want to move forward. I will settle for my equity and he can stay in that prison if he wants. I will get another place and put my identity on that. My mums house is ok but nothing here is me or mine. I’m a designer and all the walls are cream! Thats where I’ll focus my energy. Back to the solicitor I think!