Out of abusive relationship but struggling to look back at the time and remember anything.

[Fightingback16]

I’m not sure where to post those, it’s about mental health but created from abusive relationship.

I was in the relationship for 11 years. I left a year ago but the realisation has only happened a few months ago. I now know I had a couple of breakdowns over the years, followed by a big one which pushed me to leave him. I never went back or had any feelings my of going back. Then a few weeks ago because of the realisation of what happened to me I was heading for another breakdown. It’s passed, I know longer am in crisis.

What I feel though is strange. I can’t seem to be able to look back over the 11 years and remember anything, it feels like it was someone else. Yesterday really stupidly I looked back on my Facebook wall at the posts and pics I did over those years and I don’t really recognise them, it makes me feel anxious because I can’t get to it in my brain. Is this normal, is it just my brains way of saying we don’t know how to process what’s happened so we hide it from you. I don’t want to go poking around in my brain if it will cause me to hurt myself. I’m through the other end but I feel odd. It’s like it happened but didn’t happen. Do I just draw a line, accept that I’ve lost a big chunk of memory. I was in survival mode and it feels like by brain was switched off. My brain hasn’t really recorded any memories but it knows that it wasn’t nice.
I hope this makes sense.

[12345kbm]

There are strategies you can try that may sound a bit 'woo' but have been proven effective for trauma survivors until you can start work with your IDVA. Look up on Youtube.

Rape Crisis as I suggested earlier may have therapy available. You can also try Anxiety UK for hypnotherapy and CBT that are both helpful. Anxiety UK offers therapy at £15 an hour for those on a low income or benefits.

[Fightingback16]

Do you think this is likely to be temporary and I can get myself back if I work hard? I no longer have feelings of hopelessness so that’s good isn’t it? Sometimes I have very dark thoughts about hurting him (obviously I would never act them out as that is illegal and wrong!)

[12345kbm]

Yes but healing isn't a single thing. You may feel fine and then be flooded with a flashback which may be frightening. You may cry all day and the next day be full of unbelievable rage that frightens you. You may feel irritable and angry for no reason and so on.

The fact that you still feel numb means that your body is still in survival mode. You're not ready yet to feel the pain that goes alongside the memories. It's still early days and the fact that the memories have come back is positive.

No longer having feelings of hopelessness is great! That's very positive. I have feelings about hurting him and I don't know him, so that's normal, I hope

[Fightingback16]

Well the memories are making me angry but I don’t have the space to get angry.
I have my daughter to care for and I can’t get any space. I know I’m bottling in the anger because I’m frustrated at every little thing.

[Fightingback16]

He is also controlling the divorce and the financial side which is starting to irritate me. I just want to not be married to him, you’d think he felt the same given the names he called me! I’m at least happy to no loner feel sorry for him!

[12345kbm]

Have you tried journalling? This is where you write it all down in order to just get it out of you. Other strategies for dealing with the anger is the chair exercise up thread. You've been advised to look into therapy because talking helps to process it and get those emotions out in a safe space.

Exercise also helps if you can do anything aerobic. I understand things are difficult during lockdown but can you do anything online or power walk during your exercise time? Yoga may help, Pilates, mindfulness - there are lots of free instruction videos online.

Saneline is a helpline open every night from 4:30-10 pm every night where you can get advice and support.

And of course, contact your IDVA who can give you advice over the phone or via email.

Abusive men tend to use the law and Family Court in order to further abuse and control. That's why it's so important to have a solicitor trained in DV as they know the tactics. I remember you saying that you have one so hopefully she can prevent it spiralling out of control.

[Fightingback16]

Yeah I’ve been writing a lot but I’ve wrote enough about him now. All it does is focus me on all the things I hate. Think I’m going to try and focus now on the things I want or like. He has the power to create negativity just by thinking about him. The only positive thing I have out of all this journalling is that he has no spell over me anymore. I hate him, well hate without feeling hate Im happy that I know longer want dd to have access with him and my decision to stop contact was absolutely right.

[Fightingback16]

@12345kbm sorry to bother you again!! I’ve probably said it before but my IDVA said it was very likely during my dads illness and death I was going through a nervous breakdown. When I went home I had no support, instead he gave me stress after stress despite me begging for him to help me. I can remember being on the floor crying asking him to stop and to help me feel safe. His dad (the abusive dad) died 3 years previous and that cranked up his horriblness. I remember him saying you didn’t care when my dad died so I don’t care about yours, which was untrue, I was devastated. I was 1 month pregnant at the time his dad died and I had to have permanent further tests all the way through pregnancy because I lost so much weight as he was such a bastard to me.

So I think a few months ago I was going towards another breakdown. Because of all the stress of the divorce and him turning up and my bad teeth etc etc. At the time I didn’t realise that I had a breakdown previous so didn’t spot it. I think my IDVA did. She said I had to stop trying to process information intentionally. She said you need to put a lid on it quick, which I did manage.

Do you think this could be where the trauma is and the block I have, my mind is just healing after that? I feel like this is my shield, I never listened to my body so its put up a shield to protect it from further damage? I didn’t realise I had a breakdown so didn’t seek help and this is what’s happened instead. If I now know that I had a breakdown then that means in the future I can be aware of myself because I know what happens. If I keep my stress levels under control then hopefully I will be ok. I didn’t realise at the time but leaving him was the best stress relief I could do. Once the stress of the divorce and I stop him turning up I’ll be able to heal better, I need the shield still a little. That’s why he turns up isn’t it and leaves large gifts, he wants to evoke an emotional response from me good or bad? He likes me to respond and feel pain. So even if he doesn’t see the response he knows I will have one, and I do, so he is still abusing me.

It was awful that my dad had to die and that I had to suffer like that. I’m really starting to see that if he hadn’t of died then I would never have left, I was completely controlled. He would have messed up dd. I’m starting to feel relief. It’s difficult to come to terms with abuse when unlike others I never actually suspected it. I originally printed the divorce papers and begged him to fill them in faulting me, I said he can write anything and I’d agree. I said I wanted to set him free like he wanted....obviously he wouldn’t. Thank god deep down I knew I just had to be away from him!!!!

[12345kbm]

@Fightingback16 deep breaths. Try to focus on your breath and where it is in your body. You'll notice you're shallow breathing and the breath is in the upper part of the chest. As you breathe deeper your body will start to become more relaxed.

I'm sorry to hear about your dad, it sounds as though you haven't had time to grieve. You're going through a lot right now, try to be kind to yourself. Accept how you're feeling, reach out for support.

Didn't your GP prescribe anti depressants?

Has your ex been warned not to contact you again? I'm not sure what's going on there. Perhaps you should contact your IDVA and speak to her today. See what she says and if there is anything she can suggest. I also suggest you look into therapy in order to talk about this as you sound overwhelmed.

[Fightingback16]

Actually I kind of feel ok weird as it sounds.

[Fightingback16]

I feel like I have control of myself and how to have it.

[Fightingback16]

I cried for my dad for a whole year, I feel like I did grieve for him. I can think of my dad with great fondness. The problem is most definitely my husband!

[Fightingback16]

Oh and yes he has been warned and warned by the solicitor. But I at the time didn’t go for the non-mol because I felt guilty (which I don’t now) it’s with the new solicitor and is ready to go should he come and make threats again!

[12345kbm]

Well that's good re the Non Mol and your solicitor sounds great. Make sure you're logging all events by him as well such as turning up with the Easter Egg.

I'm glad to hear that you did grieve your dad.

It seems like you're having a bit of a wobble today which is fine. It's nothing to be scared off and just go with it as it's part of healing. You sound very anxious. It will pass.

I've given you lots of ways of managing these feelings such as tapping, exercise, journalling, therapy, Saneline, talking to your IDVA, antidepressants etc

You've spoken to your solicitor regarding the non mol so that's ready to go. You do have support in place and it's natural to feel overwhelmed at times. You're doing everything you can whilst trying to parent a young child and live with your mother with whom you have a difficult relationship.

You're going to be ok. Just take it one day at a time.

[Fightingback16]

Oh do I sound anxious, that’s weird because I don’t feel particularly anxious and I’ve a whole load of experience of feeling anxious. I actually can breath easier after feel a bit lighter and my vision is crisper. I’m more anxious when I avoid not saying what I think. I get scared that I’ll go back to that horrible time mentally when I left but I don’t think I will. I have some control and the intelligence of how it happened. There is nothing worse then not knowing. Knowing means that you can pre-empt, it means your not going crazy. It’s like I know how anxiety works chemically, I know If I stop that pulse of adrenaline, grounding and distraction I won’t get the symptoms which means it will end quick. I fear the symptoms more then then anything!

[12345kbm]

You're coming across to me as very anxious. What you're writing seems like stream of consciousness, as though you're freaking out. It's great if you're not but then I'm unsure of what you're asking if so.

I'm glad you're not anxious and able to think clearly.

[Fightingback16]

Sorry I guess it’s probably like you said a stream of consciousness. For me it’s the first time my anxiety actually fits my memories. I may appear anxious, which I probably am but I feel a bit at harmony. I’m happy with my decisions, eg stopping contact, I’ve been at war with my decisions, making and keeping them but not knowing why I felt inside that contact was wrong. I didn’t know why I was scared of him. Now I feel like my inside and outside are working together. It’s hard to explain. It doesn’t stop the fact I feel scared of him and my memories are scary but I feel right to be scared. I feel my memories of where I didn’t agree with him I was right to not agree. I’ve been struggling with having to different belief and thought patterns, like 2 different people but now I don’t. This probably sounds odd and I don’t actually know what I was asking!

[Fightingback16]

I feel like I’m going to be ok on my own, I feel like he was wrong!

[Fightingback16]

I actually think I may be feeling a little excited!! Very similar to anxious but I feel a sense of opportunity not doom!

[Fightingback16]

Well today is a bad day, bad bad day. I’m digesting all the information and I feel so betrayed. My emotions have all been betrayed and manipulated and hurt and confused. He made me into such a vulnerable person and he kept me there. He loved my vulnerability, I hear him loving me when I showed him it. That’s why I feel so empty, he couldn’t take from me if I had nothing to take I thought . But that only made him abuse me more. He didn’t want empty he wanted vulnerable and controllable. I feel so deeply hurt.

[12345kbm]

I'm sorry you're having a bad day. I hope things are better for you tomorrow. Be kind to yourself.

[Fightingback16]

I was ok after about 30 mins, I’m like a yo-yo.

[Fightingback16]

Rumination is doing my head in. I don’t know why I’m trying to make sense of the simply unexplainable. How am I going to get an answer from what is completely at odds to human nature. I can’t resolve what happened at all. I’m just going to have to stop thinking about it now, it’s getting me nowhere just filling me with negativity and confusion, a bit like the relationship!! @12345kbm is this normal? Can you ever just get an answer or is it best to just let it go, work on deflecting the thoughts of the relationship? I feel like I’ll just carry on trying to get an answer from something unanswerable!

[12345kbm]

Yes it's normal but you need to work on it. I completely understand why you're trying to work it out, why anyone would behave like that, what it was about you that attracted him etc etc People do that after breaking up from 'normal' relationships, never mind abusive ones.

You've been through a very traumatic experience and it's natural to feel traumatised.

I really recommend you read the book I suggested a while back: Pete Walker Complex PTSD from surviving to thriving. I know you said you don't have C-PTSD but it has lots of strategies and explanations you might find helpful for dealing with trauma. It helps you with recovery and gives some insight into abuse.

No you can't resolve it. However, you can learn from it. You can grow from it and you can heal. You're doing really well. You've been through a lot, be kind to yourself. Keep showing yourself compassion. Counter negative thoughts with positive affirmations. Focus on the future and your life you're building with your daughter. You've progressed so, so much, you can't see it but you're sounding stronger and more confident.

[Fightingback16]

Just to get one thing clear @12345kbm when I find myself in this cycle should I just distract myself, I know it’s getting me no answers just distress. I’ve been in it all weekend and I’m exhausted to the point I’m dizzy and just shut it off now. It’s keeps me away from the present. It’s never going to make sense. I know I need to work on the problems I have now like my anxiety and my fear I’m going to be a crap mum amongst all the other shitty things he’s left me with. I will find it and have a look.