Out of abusive relationship but struggling to look back at the time and remember anything.

[Fightingback16]

I’m not sure where to post those, it’s about mental health but created from abusive relationship.

I was in the relationship for 11 years. I left a year ago but the realisation has only happened a few months ago. I now know I had a couple of breakdowns over the years, followed by a big one which pushed me to leave him. I never went back or had any feelings my of going back. Then a few weeks ago because of the realisation of what happened to me I was heading for another breakdown. It’s passed, I know longer am in crisis.

What I feel though is strange. I can’t seem to be able to look back over the 11 years and remember anything, it feels like it was someone else. Yesterday really stupidly I looked back on my Facebook wall at the posts and pics I did over those years and I don’t really recognise them, it makes me feel anxious because I can’t get to it in my brain. Is this normal, is it just my brains way of saying we don’t know how to process what’s happened so we hide it from you. I don’t want to go poking around in my brain if it will cause me to hurt myself. I’m through the other end but I feel odd. It’s like it happened but didn’t happen. Do I just draw a line, accept that I’ve lost a big chunk of memory. I was in survival mode and it feels like by brain was switched off. My brain hasn’t really recorded any memories but it knows that it wasn’t nice.
I hope this makes sense.

I'm happy to talk to you. Thank you for sharing.

So just to make it clear to myself I should actively stay away from looking back at pictures etc and trying to provoke my brain into feeling emotions. If they come on there own I acknowledge them and then move on. I wanted to look at my daughters baby pics but it was during the worst time so those
memories at very patchy. In a way it feels like oh I have a 4 year old, where did she come from. I’ve been telling myself she is here and you love her and that’s all that I need for now . Last night my brain was throwing images of his face at me, when it was dark and scary and in my face. I pictured his face with bunny ears for some reason then must have fell asleep!

OP you do what you can to protect yourself from triggers right now until you have support. You're currently traumatised and are still suffering from fear from him, you're not in a safe enough place to process this.

Be kind to yourself. Challenge negative thinking. Journal in order to get it out of you. Use positive affirmations. Ground yourself. Focus on the breath.

When these thoughts come up, treat them like clouds. You're lying on your back in a grassy area and looking up at the sky. Clouds are moving past and you're observing them. You're not judging them or pushing them away or ignoring them or pushing them down. You're acknowledging them as they pass. They're simply clouds.

Positive affirmations help to rewire our brains and counter negative thinking. So practise saying positive affirmations to yourself such as:

I am loved, I'm a survivor, I will get through this stronger.

Give yourself a dry shower to connect with yourself and ground yourself. It seems weird but try it. Wash your face, your hair, your shoulders etc as you would in the shower. Focus on the breath.

Also counter negative thinking for example:

Negative thought: 'I should have got away sooner'

Counter: 'I was in a different place then. I'm away from him now. I did everything I could.'

Negative thought: 'I shouldn't have put up with it.'
Counter: 'I did what I could to survive. That was all I could do at the time. I'm away from him now and have survived.'

You can also try to tell him how you feel using a chair. Place the chair in the room and put something on the chair like a pillow. Tell him how you feel about what he did. Get angry if you want, shout, scream at him, cry etc Punch the pillow, throw the pillow on the ground and jump up and down on it if you want. Hold him accountable for his behaviour.

If you can get hold of the book "The Body Keeps The Score" - it's about how the brain works and how trauma affects that - from what you say I think it'll clear up a lot of questions for you.
I read it recently and would really recommend it to anyone with trauma in their past who is wondering why they (now) are the way they are and how to change.

Op I was in an abusive relationship and don't really remember much of it now. I take it as a positive as it took up so much of my thoughts at the time, constantly anxious, walking on eggshells, fear for my family and knowing ultimately it wasn't a healthy relationship. Two years on, it's just part of my past but I can look at things far more objectively and at the distance. Look after yourself, there is a light. You are a strong lady.

Thanks. I have read that book but it just kind of triggered me because it brings it home that I don’t feel right and that makes me more anxious. I’ve done a lot of reading but it doesn’t help, I still feel uncomfortable, more uncomfortable when I read about abuse. I know I was abused and I know I’m more effected then I ever realised. I can’t even watch films with violence or any kind of horror (that used to be my kind of films) I’m busy watching and reading more funny and uplifting things that don’t remind me of him. I’m getting by at the moment by getting on the floor with my daughter, occupying my mind and telling it that it will start to get better on its own if I simply accept that I feel rubbish at the moment. Like you said I did the best I could do given that I couldn’t escape. The best I did was to shut down and carry on. Only I never realised till now just how much I shut down. I kept myself and my daughter alive, how I can’t remember. I only escaped because I completely broke down and just knew I had to get away otherwise I fear I’d have had some kind of catastrophic failure. Just thinking about the state I was in is very triggering.

I think I've experienced something similar.

When DM was terminally ill DF behaved absolutely appallingly, with emotional abuse and anger to the point that the Police got involved and I had to give up work and move in full;-time for the last 3 months of her life.

So, my point is - I really struggle to remember any of the specifics or details of DF's appalling behaviour. I think it must be some kind of PTSD reaction. I know he was thoroughly awful, but I can't remember what he actually did/said that was so awful iyswim?

My dad died 2 years ago. That was horribly traumatic but it my husband’s behaviour that was worse. That whole time is completely hidden from me.

So I have a question. I’m not sure if I’m over reacting. I have just made a video call so my daughter can speak to her Gran and Aunt in a different country. I’m nice, maybe too nice and I didn’t want to stop her seeing her family. I’ve just spotted them holding up another phone up which I strongly suspect is my Husband watching our call on another video call. I have stopped contact with him months ago, I don’t want this man near me or dd unless I’m forced to. What should I do? I’ll be honest I don’t really like them but I want to do the best or dd.

Trust your instincts OP. If you feel uncomfortable then act on it. Many of us who have been in an abusive relationship learned to cope by just tuning out and putting anything we could not cope with into sealed boxes.

This is why you can't remember stuff, you have trained yourself not to do so. Believe me, I was with my exH (a ton of EA and some financial and physical abuse) for thirty years and I have only a small handful of memories of that time, mainly the happy times when everything was going his way.

Counselling triggered some other memories but they were uniformly shitty and I have decided there is nothing I want to see there so I don't poke at it now (except when it surfaces at 3am sometimes and I have to read a book to shut my mind down). I focus on having a good life with the life I have left.

Part of learning to live with an abuser is that you learn to ignore your own feelings and signals - hence the cognitive dissonance which tends to mess you up. The fact that you can feel something is wrong now is your self-protection kicking in and that is a sign you are making progress. Act on it. I'd drop the calls and be very busy. They can email your DD.

@Fightingback16 just be very busy for a while and forget about them for now.

What we're trying to do here, is get you through this anxiety and difficult phase, which will get better. Take it day by day. Try to incorporate the strategies I have outlined above in order to help you deal with the trauma.

Don't do anything that triggers you. Don't look at pictures, don't watch home videos, don't speak to his relatives. Don't do anything that adds to what you're currently going through.

If he comes near the house then contact the police and have him arrested.

Try to access therapy via Skype if you can. You need 'trauma therapy'. Try BACP, your local DV organisation or do a search online try: 'Trauma recovery domestic abuse therapy London or wherever you are. Many therapists are working online or on the phone. Call the Samaritans if you can't sleep and want to talk.

I was going to start trauma therapy before the lockdown and now its stopped. They told me for now to try and focus on stabilisation. I can’t start the therapy until I’m in a safer mindset because I’m to emotionally triggered. I do feel better the last few days then weeks ago but I can still feel my anxiety. I’ve a really dry mouth.

I had a thought earlier. He always told me “You think your so f***g clever” then proceeded to tell me all the ways I’m not. But then I thought I was/am clever, I am 100 times more clever then he is. Believe me he is intellectually really stupid. Then I felt bad for thinking that. But he is. It’s so frustrating to think that without the physical presence of him there was nothing, no bond. I hated him for years yet I stayed. I know that’s abuse but I hate the fact he knew that what we had was wrong. My excuse for staying is obvious, what was his excuse. It’s horrible to look back and see it for what is was. I’ve never felt anger towards him before that I could act upon. I’m not entirely sure how to get it out. I’m taking it out on the wrong things and I can feel it inside. I wish I wasn’t stuck in this house. The person who I’m staying with (my mum) is the reason I got into this mess. She was a controlling, angry mum and we have zero bond. This really is the worst place I could be, I’m taking it out on her because she doesn’t care. She just orders me around, following me, she never asks if I’m ok. I’ve gone from one abusive house to another. But I have a sense of duty because she has an illness, which she has always used as a way of controlling people. My dad was miserable with my mum before he died, my brother fled half way across the county and doesn’t really want to help. I don’t blame him. It’s not an illness that makes you do that. Anyway, as you can probably tell I’ve had enough of the people in my life. It’s no wonder I never saw the red flags, I’ve been bread by my mum to please or else.

Regarding the anger, you can journal. Just write down all those thoughts and get them out of you like poison. Use the chair exercise I described earlier where the pillow/chair becomes him and you tell him what you think of him and jump up and down on him. Give it a punch for me OP - a good belt.

Yes, your relationship with your mother set you up for this kind of behaviour from others. Low self esteem and high tolerance for bad behaviour.

I'm still advising you to just get out. I would notify SS or whoever you need to, that she's vulnerable and get out of there. Order her food from afar to be delivered and use the excuse of your abusive ex to get away. Go somewhere where you can have some peace for a change and focus on healing. Get in contact with the National Domestic Abuse Helpline or your local DV service and explain how you don't feel safe and your mother is abusive.

It doesn't sound as though you are ready for therapy so just do what you can OP. You're doing really well.

No I’m not ready. Just talking about it at the freedom program and sorting out paperwork is still too raw. I may have left a year ago but it has only just hit home after stopping contact at Christmas exactly what I’ve left which is probably why I’m so anxious. I’m guessing it’s all the repressed fear. It’s kind of moving into anger. I have been able to get on the phone and cancel and change bills etc today. I have been paying certain bills for a year in a house I don’t even live in. I’ve been too switched off to even care. I’m
angry at that now and trying to deflect it by saying that I was not well but I’m getting better. Counselling I fear would just re-traumatise me right now.

I definitely need to hit something. I can feel the pins and needles and burning inside when you need to move. I think I’ll get my mum to take dd for a walk tomo and trying hitting the pillow.

I'm exactly the same OP. Probably best that way.

Definitely best this way. I’ve tried ripping off the plaster too quick and I very nearly couldn’t plug the hole. I don’t advise it, I’ve never been so afraid. There was a moment I couldn’t recognise my face, who my daughter was, what I was looking at, everything was spinning. Whatever that was I don’t want to go back. One slow day at a time for me from now on.

Ok so I have a question. I know I'm supposed to be ignoring them but I'm ok and I've been wondering about it.

So the relationship was so intense, which I know is how abusive relationships roll. What was my husband seeking to obtain? I was a crap "hostage", I was a fighter the whole way through. I never fully submitted to him because I feel I knew deep down he was an enemy. I was brilliant at for-seeing and diffusing the explosions, I absorbed an incredible about of his shit. The initial few years turned me into an emotionless person that he further used agaisnt me. This is how I know it was abuse, he could have left me for a better women! At the end it was my dads death that finally broke me and the coldness of my husband when I needed him (obviously he revelled in my weakness) Was he just seeking complete submition from me? He annoyed me at the end because he said he would save me from the grief.....In fact he added to it. He was also very angry bordering on crazy with some of things he talked to me about, joint will etc. He listed endless reasons of why I owed him which at the time I believed, now not so much. Was that his control, giving me reasons to need him? Did he enjoy me needing him? When I left he tried further with all the coercion then just said one day I accept your gone and signed up to several dating sites. For someone that would "die" for me he got over me very quickly! Just goes to show what he really felt!

So basically all the things which happened were they just done for control of me? I don't understand why he put up with me because like I said I would not comply with everything. Maybe he was just getting enough or perhaps he liked a bit of a fight, or just perhaps I was stronger then had me out to be! At the end of the day did he want me dead, mentally? Is he annoyed now or will he simply move on to someone else? I've stopped child contact so that person doesn't become our daughter.

Over the years I became weaker emotionally and physically but I'm a stronger person now then I was in 2007 when I met him. It feels odd to be weaker but stronger!

So the relationship was so intense, which I know is how abusive relationships roll. What was my husband seeking to obtain?

OP you were primed by your childhood for this relationship. He was seeking power and control. He does not see you as a human being of equal status to him. He sees you as something less than, of something to dominate.

Domestic Abuse is ultimately, dehumanising because abusers don't see you as fully human. Survivors are often called animal names: bitch, pig, cow, dog and demeaning names reserved for women: slag, slut, whore and reduced to their genitals: cunt and fanny. Their names aren't used: babe, honey, love, darling, sweetheart.

I was brilliant at for-seeing and diffusing the explosions, I absorbed an incredible about of his shit.

You learned this at home and just continued in the relationship. This dynamic was very familiar to you.

The initial few years turned me into an emotionless person that he further used agaisnt me.

You were traumatised and exhausted and your brain was numbing you in order to protect you. There's only so much you can take as a victim of abuse.

This is how I know it was abuse, he could have left me for a better women!

He needs to dominate and control. He had you where he wanted you and, unfortunately due to your high tolerance for bad behaviour, you didn't flee sooner. You held in there, braving it out perhaps seeing this as a strength. Survivors are often emotionally exhausted because every day is a confusing, mind numbing battle. It's an emotional rollercoaster. They also often live with gas lighting. Someone is telling them that things they have experienced and can clearly see aren't happening. Someone is telling them that they love them while abusing them. After a while, they don't know what day it is as each day is a fog of abuse.

At the end it was my dads death that finally broke me and the coldness of my husband when I needed him (obviously he revelled in my weakness)

You're not playing on the same field with an abuser. First, he doesn't see you as human, he sees you as less than him. Second, he's in a battle with you. He wants to win and seeing you grieving and distraught is a 'win' for him. Watching you, revelling in your distress, causing you pain is a 'win' for him. He's winning. He's in control.

That was what you needed in order for the fog to clear and for you to see what he truly is. You saw that he was never going to change and no matter what he said, his actions belied his true feelings; absolute contempt.

They often move on very quickly and, they go on to abuse their next partner because that's the only way they know how to relate to their partners.

You're not supposed to be ignoring these feelings. You're meant to be acknowledging them and not ignoring them or trying to suppress them. This is your way of processing what's happened, trying to work out why he treated you the way he did and is still doing. You're still living in fear.

I was called bitch, cunt, parasite and mostly babe which I hated.

I held in there because I genuinely had no idea what he was but at the same time I never felt “love”. Like you said I’ve always sought to please. He coerced me to marry him after 6 months, I moved in after 2 months of meeting him. I left all my friends and was alone with no family. I have no-one to confide him. He made me pregnant immediately but I refused to keep it because I was scared. Then he made me pregnant again which I didn’t keep. He trapped me and made me emotionally dependent on him by calling me a murderer and many other things. I accepted so many things because it was fast and I was thrown off balance then straight into wife mode with dreams that weren’t mine.

He made me dirt on his shoe then he wanted me to be a career women like all the proper women which I couldn’t be because I was totally zoned out and fixated on him.
He was a total asshole to me. I’m not so much scared of him now but just a scared memory inside me because of the realisation of what had happened. I was scared of him every single day. Behind all the happy times was fear, behind everything was fear. Now I think fear of what because without him in my presence he is nothing.

When I say nothing, I mean nothing nice, nothing to want to please, he is vampire.

Well yes actually he does scare me. I havent got him out of my life yet. He won’t cooperate with the divorce. He still lives in the family home. I’ve only recently stopped paying some of those bills. He still can come to me and continue his anger. So yep I’m still scared!

But today I’ve switched lawyer and everything is primed and ready and they are really great and specialist in abuse. My husband believes now that if he cooperates with the finances I’ll let him see dd, which I won’t!