Out of abusive relationship but struggling to look back at the time and remember anything.

[Fightingback16]

I’m not sure where to post those, it’s about mental health but created from abusive relationship.

I was in the relationship for 11 years. I left a year ago but the realisation has only happened a few months ago. I now know I had a couple of breakdowns over the years, followed by a big one which pushed me to leave him. I never went back or had any feelings my of going back. Then a few weeks ago because of the realisation of what happened to me I was heading for another breakdown. It’s passed, I know longer am in crisis.

What I feel though is strange. I can’t seem to be able to look back over the 11 years and remember anything, it feels like it was someone else. Yesterday really stupidly I looked back on my Facebook wall at the posts and pics I did over those years and I don’t really recognise them, it makes me feel anxious because I can’t get to it in my brain. Is this normal, is it just my brains way of saying we don’t know how to process what’s happened so we hide it from you. I don’t want to go poking around in my brain if it will cause me to hurt myself. I’m through the other end but I feel odd. It’s like it happened but didn’t happen. Do I just draw a line, accept that I’ve lost a big chunk of memory. I was in survival mode and it feels like by brain was switched off. My brain hasn’t really recorded any memories but it knows that it wasn’t nice.
I hope this makes sense.

[Fightingback16]

Way too much time on my hands, I need to make connections now. I’ve just decided that I need to get used to my emotions again now that they are mine. I will change the direction of my anxious energy from the past to the future. I want my house back. He is still holding me hostage, even more so with the CCTV system. It’s been 15 months now of him saying he is desperate to move on and move out but obviously he is not. I did every piece of decorating and furniture building etc, it’s my identity, my possessions, my hard work. It was my dream to buy and renovate a house. He still has all the pictures of me on the walls, that’s odd. I want to move forward. I will settle for my equity and he can stay in that prison if he wants. I will get another place and put my identity on that. My mums house is ok but nothing here is me or mine. I’m a designer and all the walls are cream! Thats where I’ll focus my energy. Back to the solicitor I think!

[12345kbm]

I'm sorry you're struggling and this isolation isn't making it any better, it just gives more time to ruminate.

The Pete Walker book is really good, even if you don't have C-PTSD as it teaches you about the effects of trauma, how it changes you, how to deal with the effects and strategies for healing.

There's a Chinese saying, 'You can only go halfway into the darkest forest; then you are coming out the other side.'

You're coming out the other side now and it's hard. You're doing really well though, doing everything you can.

[Fightingback16]

You know what is really rubbish @12345kbm. When I manage to get my anxiety in check by convincing myself I’m safe and it’s over etc I really don’t feel much of anything else. It’s rubbish. It just makes me realise how long I’ve lived working only on anxious energy and thoughts. I look back at myself and see a zombie, a puppet. Flapping around all over the place trying to get him to love me, convinced it was my fault I was faulty. It’s really sad, all along it was him. I can’t remember a single emotional feeling with him past the first year of marriage, apart from anxious and the feeling from loosing my dad. I can’t remember my daughters birth nothing. I was emotionally non existent. This is not a pleasant feeling! I hope they come back. I downloaded the c-PTSD book but I can’t get the bloody thing to go on my kindle!

[Fightingback16]

I’ve read that living in constant fight or flight causes the part of the brain that deals with memory to shrink. I guess it’s a side effect that has both positives and negatives. We lost the bad times but also the good. I think my focus is to accept that’s happened and create 100’s and 100’s of better ones.

[Humanswarm]

Hi OP.
I left my abusive relationship over 12 years ago. I since remarried and life got much better..but I cannot remember my son's first years. I can't remember things I see in photos..I don't remember his first steps, any of his firsts really..I don't recall his birthday or Christmases when I was with his Dad..I've had counselling and did the freedom programme back then when it was fairly new...I have never got those memories back though. My ex died last year..and that news sent me spiralling back but, I remembered and relived the awful bits but still couldn't remember..I guess it's my mind protecting me..it makes me sad but I have come to terms with it..our minds do remarkable things to protect us..

[Fightingback16]

Ok @12345kbm this is the last time I’m putting anymore headspace into this matter. I have an explanation, a kind of closure on why. I’ve stopped the mental confusion of having 2 beliefs in my head. I’ve come to this, he is like a 3 year old that hits out when you say no, that part of his brain never developed from his childhood. Like a child he is not aware of his actions and the consequences because it’s simply not developed. Nothing was therefore my fault, or something he did intentionally to hurt me. It’s something he will never be able to change, or discover he has, Empathy and the needs of others just doesn’t exist, he is ego centric like a child. My slightly immature brain had lower boundaries and other issues kept me tied, which as an adult I have insight into and will NEVER happen again. Now it’s just coping with the consequences of going through that and having the memories.

[Fightingback16]

I understand what I was seeking from him, I was just never going to get it. I do know how relationships work, I had a 5 year normal one but this man snatched me out of it. I understand communication and love and safety and personal space and respect. I’ll be honest, I made a massive error at the beginning. Coerced obviously which kind of sealed my fait, I went to his home country and married him in secret because he didn’t have a passport and he told me all manor of lies. I complied, he said that we would do it all properly and tell my family later...obviously never happened, it was a trap. Every time I got more confidence and wanted to go he’d flog my mum. He has created a bigger situation then it was.
I should be proud of myself for getting out given how trapped I have been, physically and mentally. I must be stronger then I give myself credit. I’m out even sure my issues are as big as he made them out to be. I’m a grown up now.

[12345kbm]

That's incredible insight. You have so much self awareness and understanding. I think that what may help you now is some reading on child neglect and dysfunctional dynamics. It might help you gain further insight into your behaviour in relationships.

[Fightingback16]

@12345kbm I’m looking in the wrong direction. My husband didn’t cause my problem he only took it and kept me living in it. I was always going to end up in this situation because of the way I was brought up. I’ve accepted his abuse because I didn’t know real love and emotional intimacy and then I just got abused into staying by a narcissist. I told him all my deepest fears and he used them to stop me leaving and he literally flogged me to love him and make him the center of attention. People who love people help people and support people to grow. I helped him, WAY to much in the beginning, then I just completely lost myself. I left because I felt he was trying to turn my daughter away from me, he almost succeeded, he almost had me believe I was too damaged to be a mum, he told me I was an emotional stone like my own mum, he was also trying to turn my grief from my dad to him. He tried to turn the only 2 people I loved into something to flog me with. He underestimated how much pain I was willing to go through for my little girl, leaving was more painful then staying and the thought of the damage he’d do to Dd for my own insecurities was too great.
What I need to learn from this and why I can’t stop the pain is because I tried to fix the wrong person and I got him to try and fix me. I feel like a child, she is the one who was hurt. I do deserve better then this. I have come so far and really all on my own whilst in constant war over control of my emotions.

[Fightingback16]

Thank you

[12345kbm]

To be clear:

1. Don't do anything that triggers you. Avoid triggers.
2. Acknowledge feelings. Try not to repress them.
3. Self care is important as is kindness to self.

4.Counter negative feelings about self/experience with positive.

1. Focus on the future.

Rumination is a common feature of post traumatic stress disorder. It causes heightened arousal and anxiety. Rumination is part of a feedback loop which makes your PTSD worse. However, so is suppression. The aim here is to replace maladaptive strategies (rumination, suppression,avoidance) with more adaptive strategies.

I've given you those strategies and it's up to you to find something that works for you.

[Fightingback16]

Every day I love my daughter a little more and we laugh more and more. I feel s**t to think that I should be loving her that’s what mums do. I had totally forgotten what love felt like.

[Fightingback16]

Just to get one thing clear @12345kbm when I find myself in this cycle should I just distract myself, I know it’s getting me no answers just distress. I’ve been in it all weekend and I’m exhausted to the point I’m dizzy and just shut it off now. It’s keeps me away from the present. It’s never going to make sense. I know I need to work on the problems I have now like my anxiety and my fear I’m going to be a crap mum amongst all the other shitty things he’s left me with. I will find it and have a look.

[12345kbm]

Yes it's normal but you need to work on it. I completely understand why you're trying to work it out, why anyone would behave like that, what it was about you that attracted him etc etc People do that after breaking up from 'normal' relationships, never mind abusive ones.

You've been through a very traumatic experience and it's natural to feel traumatised.

I really recommend you read the book I suggested a while back: Pete Walker Complex PTSD from surviving to thriving. I know you said you don't have C-PTSD but it has lots of strategies and explanations you might find helpful for dealing with trauma. It helps you with recovery and gives some insight into abuse.

No you can't resolve it. However, you can learn from it. You can grow from it and you can heal. You're doing really well. You've been through a lot, be kind to yourself. Keep showing yourself compassion. Counter negative thoughts with positive affirmations. Focus on the future and your life you're building with your daughter. You've progressed so, so much, you can't see it but you're sounding stronger and more confident.

[Fightingback16]

Rumination is doing my head in. I don’t know why I’m trying to make sense of the simply unexplainable. How am I going to get an answer from what is completely at odds to human nature. I can’t resolve what happened at all. I’m just going to have to stop thinking about it now, it’s getting me nowhere just filling me with negativity and confusion, a bit like the relationship!! @12345kbm is this normal? Can you ever just get an answer or is it best to just let it go, work on deflecting the thoughts of the relationship? I feel like I’ll just carry on trying to get an answer from something unanswerable!

[Fightingback16]

I was ok after about 30 mins, I’m like a yo-yo.

[12345kbm]

I'm sorry you're having a bad day. I hope things are better for you tomorrow. Be kind to yourself.

[Fightingback16]

Well today is a bad day, bad bad day. I’m digesting all the information and I feel so betrayed. My emotions have all been betrayed and manipulated and hurt and confused. He made me into such a vulnerable person and he kept me there. He loved my vulnerability, I hear him loving me when I showed him it. That’s why I feel so empty, he couldn’t take from me if I had nothing to take I thought . But that only made him abuse me more. He didn’t want empty he wanted vulnerable and controllable. I feel so deeply hurt.

[Fightingback16]

I actually think I may be feeling a little excited!! Very similar to anxious but I feel a sense of opportunity not doom!

[Fightingback16]

I feel like I’m going to be ok on my own, I feel like he was wrong!

[Fightingback16]

Sorry I guess it’s probably like you said a stream of consciousness. For me it’s the first time my anxiety actually fits my memories. I may appear anxious, which I probably am but I feel a bit at harmony. I’m happy with my decisions, eg stopping contact, I’ve been at war with my decisions, making and keeping them but not knowing why I felt inside that contact was wrong. I didn’t know why I was scared of him. Now I feel like my inside and outside are working together. It’s hard to explain. It doesn’t stop the fact I feel scared of him and my memories are scary but I feel right to be scared. I feel my memories of where I didn’t agree with him I was right to not agree. I’ve been struggling with having to different belief and thought patterns, like 2 different people but now I don’t. This probably sounds odd and I don’t actually know what I was asking!

[12345kbm]

You're coming across to me as very anxious. What you're writing seems like stream of consciousness, as though you're freaking out. It's great if you're not but then I'm unsure of what you're asking if so.

I'm glad you're not anxious and able to think clearly.

[Fightingback16]

Oh do I sound anxious, that’s weird because I don’t feel particularly anxious and I’ve a whole load of experience of feeling anxious. I actually can breath easier after feel a bit lighter and my vision is crisper. I’m more anxious when I avoid not saying what I think. I get scared that I’ll go back to that horrible time mentally when I left but I don’t think I will. I have some control and the intelligence of how it happened. There is nothing worse then not knowing. Knowing means that you can pre-empt, it means your not going crazy. It’s like I know how anxiety works chemically, I know If I stop that pulse of adrenaline, grounding and distraction I won’t get the symptoms which means it will end quick. I fear the symptoms more then then anything!

[12345kbm]

Well that's good re the Non Mol and your solicitor sounds great. Make sure you're logging all events by him as well such as turning up with the Easter Egg.

I'm glad to hear that you did grieve your dad.

It seems like you're having a bit of a wobble today which is fine. It's nothing to be scared off and just go with it as it's part of healing. You sound very anxious. It will pass.

I've given you lots of ways of managing these feelings such as tapping, exercise, journalling, therapy, Saneline, talking to your IDVA, antidepressants etc

You've spoken to your solicitor regarding the non mol so that's ready to go. You do have support in place and it's natural to feel overwhelmed at times. You're doing everything you can whilst trying to parent a young child and live with your mother with whom you have a difficult relationship.

You're going to be ok. Just take it one day at a time.

[Fightingback16]

Oh and yes he has been warned and warned by the solicitor. But I at the time didn’t go for the non-mol because I felt guilty (which I don’t now) it’s with the new solicitor and is ready to go should he come and make threats again!