Out of abusive relationship but struggling to look back at the time and remember anything.

[Fightingback16]

I’m not sure where to post those, it’s about mental health but created from abusive relationship.

I was in the relationship for 11 years. I left a year ago but the realisation has only happened a few months ago. I now know I had a couple of breakdowns over the years, followed by a big one which pushed me to leave him. I never went back or had any feelings my of going back. Then a few weeks ago because of the realisation of what happened to me I was heading for another breakdown. It’s passed, I know longer am in crisis.

What I feel though is strange. I can’t seem to be able to look back over the 11 years and remember anything, it feels like it was someone else. Yesterday really stupidly I looked back on my Facebook wall at the posts and pics I did over those years and I don’t really recognise them, it makes me feel anxious because I can’t get to it in my brain. Is this normal, is it just my brains way of saying we don’t know how to process what’s happened so we hide it from you. I don’t want to go poking around in my brain if it will cause me to hurt myself. I’m through the other end but I feel odd. It’s like it happened but didn’t happen. Do I just draw a line, accept that I’ve lost a big chunk of memory. I was in survival mode and it feels like by brain was switched off. My brain hasn’t really recorded any memories but it knows that it wasn’t nice.
I hope this makes sense.

[12345kbm]

@Fightingback16 I'm really pleased to hear you've got a solicitor trained or with experience in DV and that you're pushing through that fear with the divorce. You're being so brave and doing all the right things.

Did you beat up a pillow today?

[Fightingback16]

I actually beat the crap out of the staircase, I didn’t make it to the bed pillows. Punching things hurt tho!

[Fightingback16]

I will never let this man see me scared again. Even if I have to fake it for now.

[Fightingback16]

Or my mum either, she also heard me today, and she sulked and I don’t care!

[12345kbm]

Let her get on with it OP. I hope you didn't hurt yourself too badly!

[Fightingback16]

When my dad was dying did my focus shift? He died in April 2018 and I remember that was the reason for me leaving. I threatened to leave 2 of 3 times in the last 5 months but he persuaded me to try. Each time he was nice then straight into what seemed like absolutely crazy bonkers behaviour. Did the grief open my brain? Was he more crazy or I just saw the crazy that had been hidden all along? It did seem my increasing pain was making him drunk with contempt, he was especially horrible, I asked him several times do you hate me. My dad was an amazing dad and I miss him terribly. I remember thinking that what I had with H was not right. In his hospital bed my dad who never spoke about if before told me that I could leave him. I thought I’d had a breakdown but I remember being very calm with my decision. It was absolutely non negotiable. He threatened to kill me and held my daughter and pushed me out the house. I left and had a massive panic attack. I went back to the house, I realise the danger now, he was in the bath and my daughter who was 2 at the time was running in the house. I quickly packed some things took dd and left. I can’t believe all the danger I missed.

[Bubbletrouble43]

Hi op. I found your post very interesting. I was in a fairly short(2 years) intense relationship that descended into a horrifically abusive situation very quickly, it was very traumatic. It ended 17 years ago, and just like you I had so many gaps in my memories. Over the years things have floated back, I like to think my brain released the memories when I was ready to process them and not before. And I'm glad I didn't dig away too soon. I had a short course of counselling early on which was great. Good luck to you, I'm glad it's behind you x

[Fightingback16]

Thanks. I’m going to try as hard as I can to accept it and move forward.
I deserve to live better, I never deserved that.

[springydaff]

Hey, don't worry about it. It'll work out, in its time. Honestly.

I've had so much trauma (including an abusive marriage) that I've given up trying to make sense of it.

I just enjoy the day. Yes I'm traumatised and that has its effects but its like a disability and I accept it - it's not as if I can't be valuable in the world, to enjoy it and participate. I can and I do. I don't make it my job to try and sort it all out - that will come in its time.

Imo (and ime) trying to get control of it causes enormous distress and, actually, adds to the trauma. Yes, something is broken and in some aspects always will be. That's OK. You can still have a fulfilling life even if some aspects aren't working great. It's OK. Plenty of people have allsorts of things that are broken and still go on to lead wonderfully fulfilling lives. So can we.

You're right there when you hear of someone going through something similar - and that is priceless, beyond price. You have a great deal to give.

Lean into this. It's OK, everything is on track. You dont have to push it along 🌺🌼💮

[springydaff]

BTW I'm also a creative. Nothing like severe pressure to bring out the best creatively - look at the Weimar Republic (etc) 🌹

[Fightingback16]

Thanks, yeah I know it will work out. I was in a place a few weeks back where I couldn’t see a way out.
I have been living a bit all of nothing. I wanted it all at once, I didn’t realise I was traumatised. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t find myself, my memories, I thought I was going mad. I feel more relaxed why I can’t do it all right now. It’s very scary not knowing what’s happening. I accept myself at the moment. People were asking me to think about the person I used to be before him, but she is unfamiliar to me. The freedom programme had me thinking about the women I was during him but that person is unfamiliar to me. I’m a different person now a mix of 3 unfamiliar women I guess so I’m learning how to be comfortable with who I am.

I don’t think I will be able to move on without fully understanding what has happened. But I’ll do that slowly!

[Fightingback16]

Another massive argument with my mum today who won’t stop giving me her unwanted opinions and criticism, who has sulked all day. Everyone in my life wants to fk me over. I’ve done talking with her, she just denies denies denies. Stupid f*g virus is testing my newly found will!!!!

[Fightingback16]

Im pissed off and bollocks to the whole lot of them!

[springydaff]

Sounds like you need to go to sleep. Tomorrow is a new day xx

[Fightingback16]

I did get some sleep and today is just another day knowing all that I know. I looked at my little girl in bed sleeping and cried my heart out at the mess of this situation. Maybe this is an improvement for a women who is traumatised.

Imagine if I’d had a mum who I could have confided in when I met my H and he began his torrent of abuse. I’m only 37 and my daughter is almost 4 so I can certainly make a difference but it’s really sad. My daughter loves me and I remember how much I loved being pregnant with her, I never felt one bit of anxiety during the whole time. I’d forgotten over the past few years just how much I love her.

[Fightingback16]

My only wish my whole life was love and safety. I never hurt anyone (apart from myself) I’ve never relied on any substances. I’m lucky in a sense that my only real barrier now is my own mind. I have physical problems, M.E and some pretty bad dental problems because for a long time I was unaware I even had teeth. I’m hoping the M.E improves the after I make my life safe. I started on my teeth before the lockdown, that was scary in itself!

I can give my daughter love and safety, at the end of the day it’s all you need, the rest follows.

[Fightingback16]

I guess most people when they have children think my mum is amazing I’m going to raise my children just like my mum did. I’m doing this blind, I don’t know how to raise children. I just don’t want her turning out like I did.

[springydaff]

Girl, you and millions upon millions of others. Me included. There are more of us than there are the others who had the great mum.

You're not alone. Far far from it.

Do some gratitudes. I'm serious. You're drowning in pain, you need to look at what you HAVE got, the good stuff. Re
You live in the affluent West
You have a lovely daughter
You have food and shelter
You're warm and clothed
You are no longer with your abusive husband, you got out

What's your hair like? Mine is really thin following chemo, I didn't fully appreciate it until I lost it. I don't even appreciate what I have now because I'm constantly thinking about what I did have and comparing my hair to every single person I meet. You can see how that would get me down.

Etc. There is masses upon masses to be grateful for. It's not denial to focus on what you have instead of what you don't have. Yy there's a time for grief but limit it otherwise you will drown in it. You don't have to crouch over it to make sure it comes out, it will come out in its own time.

Plus you left your abuser when spring was on its way. That's something to be grateful for 💮🌼🌺 ❤️

[Fightingback16]

My hair is ok, very grey for 37 but it’s understandable and I can dye it.

I’m still alive and kicking.

I have a feisty little girl.

I’ll either have money or the house eventually.

I don’t think I’m that ugly, people say I have a nice figure.

I’m aware of whats happened, it WONT happen again.

I’ve got loads of extra skills as he made me do everything.

I’ve been to lots of places, don’t remember them, just going on the photos

I have a sense of humour!

[Fightingback16]

I’m breaking a long line of abuse in my family. My Nan was abused by her grandad, my grandad abused my mum, my mum abused my dad and me and my husband abused me. Im going to break the cycle!

[Fightingback16]

I had an amazing dad. It’s because of him I have hope. He made me appreciate the simple things.

[springydaff]

Yay!!!!! 👏💃🤸‍♀️🎉👯🍾🌟

[Fightingback16]

🙇‍♀️

[Fightingback16]

Not sure what that is but meant to post a bowing woman!!

[springydaff]

😘❤️🤣🌟💕