Out of abusive relationship but struggling to look back at the time and remember anything.

[Fightingback16]

I’m not sure where to post those, it’s about mental health but created from abusive relationship.

I was in the relationship for 11 years. I left a year ago but the realisation has only happened a few months ago. I now know I had a couple of breakdowns over the years, followed by a big one which pushed me to leave him. I never went back or had any feelings my of going back. Then a few weeks ago because of the realisation of what happened to me I was heading for another breakdown. It’s passed, I know longer am in crisis.

What I feel though is strange. I can’t seem to be able to look back over the 11 years and remember anything, it feels like it was someone else. Yesterday really stupidly I looked back on my Facebook wall at the posts and pics I did over those years and I don’t really recognise them, it makes me feel anxious because I can’t get to it in my brain. Is this normal, is it just my brains way of saying we don’t know how to process what’s happened so we hide it from you. I don’t want to go poking around in my brain if it will cause me to hurt myself. I’m through the other end but I feel odd. It’s like it happened but didn’t happen. Do I just draw a line, accept that I’ve lost a big chunk of memory. I was in survival mode and it feels like by brain was switched off. My brain hasn’t really recorded any memories but it knows that it wasn’t nice.
I hope this makes sense.

[Fightingback16]

What a lot of information to sift through! My brains recycling bin is over flowing with all the crap that he put in it.

[Fightingback16]

The less I fear him the more I realise just how ridiculous it sounds and little he actually means to me.

[formerbabe]

Not an abusive relationship but I had a incredibly traumatic teenagehood...I can barely remember any of it though. I think our brains try to protect us.

[springydaff]

I went to a Women's Aid support group after I left Satan horrific ex. We all shook and trembled with trauma, to the point the coffee table was awash with spilt coffee...

Every single week we ended up CRYING with laughter at the absurd things our abusers got up to /said etc. We HOWLED with laughter. It was such a release, so healing.

The woman who ran it (from the council, who took it from the woman, an abuse survivor, who set up the group in the first place) hadn't been in an abusive relationship but had read all about it in the books (🙄). She got very uncomfortable each time, getting hot under the collar and trying to shush us, saying it was a serious subject. Blah blah blah. We laughed and laughed some more. Silly cow.

These idiot abusers don't have the last word. The survival instinct is mighty and springs forth to get us out and carry us through. You're there, girl

[QuentinWinters]

Thanks for starting this thread OP. I'm two years out of anEA relationship and feel the same, all these years of my life and my childrens and I can't remember it well or any emotions. Good to know I'm not alone.

butterfingers your post was great especially this
Trust your instincts OP. If you feel uncomfortable then act on it. Many of us who have been in an abusive relationship learned to cope by just tuning out and putting anything we could not cope with into sealed boxes.
Totally agree

[Fightingback16]

Yeah I’m out and I’m very happy, really rubbish time to be out, I want to go out with my new friends! Bloody virus have me locked in again, but only physically I guess!!

[Fightingback16]

I’m just happy to know it’s a natural response and I haven’t gone mad. I kept trying to force myself to remember and I made it all worse for myself!

[Fightingback16]

My poor brain has been protecting me and I’ve been shoving pictures and texts and in front of my eyes trying to feel something and it’s been malfunctioning. I’m glad I’ve stopped!

[Fightingback16]

I’ve lived so long with a reason to get up everyday, I had to survive everyday. He was my reason to live. Now he is gone I feel empty of reasons to get up. I get up because I have a daughter but other then that not much else I can see at the moment.

So this is where I’m at now, depression. Great. You’ve all said that all this will pass so I’m getting up in the hope that if I get up and do something then this will pass. This feels horrible.

[QuentinWinters]

It's because he was defining everything for you and now you have to do it yourself. It's scary.
You actually don't have to get up if you don't want to. Do what you want to do. If that's watching Netflix in bed cuddled up with Dd do that
Be kind to yourself op

[Fightingback16]

Oh I’d love to do that but not going to happen with my daughter. I HAVE to get up for my sanity, she won’t let me rest

I am finding that I am very controlling, trying to control everything little thing. I guess used to control so as to try and stop the bad time’s. I don’t like this feeling.

[Fightingback16]

I’m busy colouring in my colouring book (which dd can’t stand as I won’t share) and she is doing finger painting. Not much is on the paper

[Fightingback16]

Today is the two year anniversary of my dads passing. So I just guess it won’t be a good day.

[QuentinWinters]

I'm finding this quite useful at the moment
www.getselfhelp.co.uk/apple.htm

[Fightingback16]

I’m undecided as to whether to start some medication . I’ve had terrible experiences with them in the past but then I was hiding taking them and still in the situation making me depressed. Or whether I just push through it, accept it’s crap right now.

[Fightingback16]

I’ve not been allowed to grieve and feel like shit and sleep in etc. I wasn’t allowed to take time off when my dad died, I wasn’t allowed to cry and thrash and be grumpy. I fear if I take tablets I’ll just prolong whatever this feeling is.

[QuentinWinters]

It's hard. I can't get off my anti-DS so not the best person to ask. Maybe you could set a timescale and try some self help stuff (exercise, mindfulness etc) and if it hasn't improved by the timescale then go to the drs

[Fightingback16]

I think I’ve probably been depressed for a very long time I just hadn’t noticed it.

[QuentinWinters]

It's all very complicated with abusive relationships. Sometimes depressive symptoms can be caused by chronic stress or even complex PTSD which is why I wouldn't necessarily rush into medication if I was you.

[Fightingback16]

I don’t think I even want to remember any of it anymore, it’s all s**t and lies! I’m bored of him.

[Fightingback16]

@12345kbm I think I understand what’s happened to me, or should I say my emotions. I remember at the beginning I loved him very much, I remember having and feeling lots of emotions. What set off my panic a few weeks ago was the realisation that he raped me at the beginning, I had forgotten. At the beginning he loved bombed me (red flag) and he confused the s**t out of me. He was violent but towards objects and towards people (he said he was protecting me) that was a red flag. He MADE us into soul mates (red flag) I moved in and married the bastard almost immediately, I didn’t want too (red flag) He desperately wanted to make me pregnant against my wishes (I had two abortions on my own), saying it out loud just feels so horrible. He created so much turmoil, he started to become aggressive towards me. I loved him in return and most of the times he trampled on my acts of love. He used to say over and over why can’t you love me enough. He likes to think he was my saviour, he said he was my knight in shining armour. I think because of his abusive upbringing and watching his mum suffer and not being able to help her he likes to think he was helping me. He liked to hear me list all the he did for me. I believe now he was making me into someone who needed saving, he wanted me down and weak. He was getting energy from the idea he was helping me.

I think over the years I’ve shut off my emotions. I shut off the negative painful ones because I couldn’t use them and they just hurt, I think I may have actually switched off everything, the joy also. To survive him because I was trapped I put up a wall, it wasn’t intentional but it’s there. I don’t need this wall anymore, it’s stopping me from experiencing happiness. I’m guessing that’s why I have memories but they are absolutely emotionless. He used to call me log and a stone. He abused me more because I was emotionally dead and not feeding him. He tried harder and harder to get a rise from me. I always used to feel empty, especially towards the end. I thought there was something wrong with me but there wasn’t. He asked me once what is wrong with you and I replied “you”, couldn’t have been more right!

What am I supposed to do with it now? I put it there subconsciously so how do I remove it?

[12345kbm]

@Fightingback16 I'm sorry to hear that. How do you feel about working with a trauma therapist to help you process all this?

You know it's positive that the memories have come back, it's very healing. The problem is, what do you do with all this pain? It's very difficult to deal with that yourself and you may have to bite the bullet now and find someone to help you with it.

Therapists are still working via phone and Skype/Zoom. You can ask your IDVA if there are any free trauma therapists, some areas have free therapy for survivors of domestic abuse. She may have suggestions for you.

You didn't forget, your mind basically shut down in order to protect you. Now you are no longer in the situation and aren't forcing the memories or suppressing them, they've come back. You need help now in order to process them.

I'm sorry to hear about the rape, he sounds like a psychopath. It must have been beyond awful for you and it's brave of you to share. I can also suggest Rape Crisis who may have specialised sexual trauma therapy available in your area.

[Fightingback16]

I’m so upset because my ISVA is trained in trauma and was going to start work with me. It was a bad time then as I was too anxious, I didn’t feel safe which I do more now. But now obviously I can’t. She has told me to hold it in till we can start, it’s hard because I feel the numbness now when I didn’t before. It’s not nice and makes me feel anxious. I just hope I won’t feel like it forever!

[Fightingback16]

IDVA

[Fightingback16]

If I could feel pain it probably would be painful. Mostly its nothing or frustration, there is anger sometimes.