DH masturbating while I deal with the baby!?

[DontSayIDidntTellYou]

So off the bat, let me just say that yes, I know there are far bigger problems going on in the world right now, but I really just need to quickly vent and get some different perspectives!

So dh, myself and our DC’s live in a relatively small flat.
As you come out of our lounge, our bedroom door is directly to your right, I’m talking inches away from our lounge. We have no door to our front room as we took it off years ago for extra space, and our bedroom door is always open. This may seem like a weird detail to be mentioning, but if you bear with me, you’ll see why I’m telling you that.

So our youngest dc just woke up. He’s a breastfed baby. I took myself off in to our bedroom to feed the baby, he fed, and fell back to sleep within minutes. I decided to lay down with him for an extra few minutes to make sure he was properly asleep before getting back up as I didn’t want to disturb him.

However, a matter of seconds before I thought ‘right, I can leave him now’, and a grand total of maybe 5 minutes (or less!) of me being gone from the front room, I started hearing the undeniable sounds of my DH umm, enjoying himself, so to speak.

I’m sure he must sort himself while I’m in the flat (perhaps while he’s in the bath or while I’m asleep, I don’t know! We have three DC’s 3 and under so I don’t know when and where he’s able to do it!), but, to my knowledge, he’s never been this brazen before. I was literally 12 steps away, wide awake, feeding our baby and planning to come back to the lounge at any given minute....

I know this isn’t AIBU.. but AIBU to think you don’t start jacking off the moment your mrs steps out of the room to feed your baby? Knowing the bedroom door was open and I was literally a matter of feet away!?

I’m (likely irrationally) annoyed right now, but something about it isn’t sitting right with me.
I’ve told him in the past that I’d rather him not whack off when I’m awake in the flat - particularly if I’m dealing with the kids - but obviously with everything that’s going on right now, we’re both at home so I understand that his ‘personal’ time is slightly strained now.

I came back in to the front room clearly before he’d had the chance to finish, and he looked startled and flustered when he saw me and very quickly rearranged the blanket that was over his lap.
But still. How would you feel?!

What sounds did you hear? was he moaning? or was it the creak of the bed from his hand moving or what was it?
Is it possible that he thought he was being discreet? If so then that's completely different.

I thought the general opinion here was as long as he wasn't wanking to porn wanking was generally okay? He was horny and thought you'd be gone longer than you would. Give him more credit than to assume he was going to ejaculate all over the sheets. What's more offensive to you, that you'd see him wanking or that he was wanking while you were doing a chore? Do you expect him to do it in the shower or while sitting on the toilet like a guilty schoolboy?

Wouldn’t bother me.
I certainly won’t be sent to the bathroom to master bate in my own house.

I can't believe you heard him. Some men obviously scream

Grim. Interesting that you describe it as being a “cool wife” if you’re putting up with a bloke yanking at his plonker anytime, anywhere! Why is that cool? I think it’s far from cool. Women are so conditioned to turn every single blind eye. It’s all about a blokes dick and his orgasm. Got to get his delight and as women we have to facilitate that or accept it. Where’s the respect for you? You’ve already communicated that it’s a boundary for you. He broke that boundary. That’s rude and disrespectful. Blokes don’t just get to yank their todgers whenever and wherever. We don’t live in “porn land”. And F you having to be a cool wife. Where’s the expectation that he should be a “cool husband”? A cool husband is one who respects his wife’s clearly stated boundaries

Agree with notsuremate

There's time and place for everything. Surely he can control his urges until later in the shower perhaps?

How much of the childcare and housework is he doing right now? Seems he doesn't have enough to do if he has the time to think about having a random wank.

Ergh... it’s just not... polite, is it? My gauge here is would it be okay if I did it, not just do I have an issue with my husband doing it. Well do I have an issue with my husband wanking? No. It’s your bits, go ahead. I do it too. But would I do it on the sofa whilst my partner was awake and not say watching TV or reading elsewhere in the house (and therefore not coming back to sit with me?) No. No I would not. That’s just not good manners. Therefore I hold my husband- and yours- to the same standards.

That’s grim and shows a lack or respect. He could have been more private about it.

I think you're having us on there notsuremate. He though he had more time alone than he did. "he looked startled and flustered when he saw me and very quickly rearranged the blanket that was over his lap" He doesn't sound like a shameless wanker to me.

Yes, he should try and do it in private, but if she should accidentally catch him at it, then surely this is something they can laugh off? And what are her boundaries? He's not allowed to do it while she's awake? Well what if he locks himself in the toilet then? Is that allowed? And I'd like to know what the "undeniable sounds of him masturbating" are. Is she exaggerating here for effect?

I understand the where- yes he needs a more private place to masturbate such as the bathroom.

But the when- of course it’s best to masturbate when your partner has the children with him/her. If you say like Piipa did above “no decent father would be wanking while his partner was singlehandedly sorting out his DC” that means he cannot ever masturbate, at all. Because I am logically thinking here, it would be wrong to masturbate in front of your children. So if you cannot masturbate when you are alone, then when can you?

Some people masturbate more than others (both men and women). I think you simply need to have a discussion with him and see how you can arrange the flat and routine to afford him (and you) private time and space for this type of self care.

Wow! Just Wow!

The advice on this site!!!

My partner had an affair.......Leave him!
My partner goes down the pub with his mates too much.....Leave him!
My partner looks at other people.......leave him!
My partner looked at porn.......Leave him!
My partner was caught having a wank......Leave him!

OMFG!!!

"that means he cannot ever masturbate, at all"

But re-reading her comments, I see OP doesn't want her husband to masturbate if there's even the slightest chance she might see him, or even have reason to suspect what he's doing. I agree he was out of line here, but perhaps the thrill of the forbidden added some piquancy to the act? Under her rules he's not allowed to wank in bed if she's at home.

There's reason to suspect what he was doing, and then there was him doing it so loudly I could literally hear the fapping noises, and him moaning too. How difficult is it to do it with a little discretion!? Given we've spoken about this before and he's said that he completely understands how I feel, was sympathetic and kind, so to then get straight to it minutes after I've left the room, knowing I'd be back pretty damn soon too, just feels like a bit of a 'fuck you, I don't care how this makes you feel'.

I have my boundaries, they are what they are, unreasonable or not, he's said he's fine with them. So going against them while I'm sat feeding our baby has upset me. Out of respect, he could've taken himself off to the bathroom, where I wouldn't walk on him, wouldn't be able to hear him and he'd have been able to clear up after himself too! I frankly don't care whether the bathroom is a romantic room or not, I can't imagine our lounge is either with the amount of kids toys littered all over the place

I just know that if the roles were reversed, I sure as shit wouldn't start rubbing one out in our front room minutes after DH had got up to go and sort one of our kids out in the next room. It's just weird.

If he ' looked startled when she came in' then he equally could have been startled by one of the children coming in. Kids do getup for drinks, toilet etc. That's why he should have always used the bathroom for doing this.

"If he ' looked startled when she came in' then he equally could have been startled by one of the children coming in."

Yeah good point. Whatever the issues between the two of them, he shouldn't have done it for this reason.

One of the children could always walk into any unlocked room. Are posters really suggesting that all sexual activity (solo and marital) should be in the locked bathroom?

It's not a big act of disrespect, unless the atmosphere in the room suggested you were going he was up for something later. If evenings like this typically end without sex, then he's just trying to relieve an urge whilst you are out of the room. If he went into the bathroom for 5-10 minutes and didn't have a shower, wouldn't you also know what he was doing?

I'm in the laugh it off category.

Don't really see the big deal. Assume he thought you'd take longer, and that he had privacy.

Don't really get the "grim"/"gross" comments- presumably they've never masturbated? 🤔

I don't think it's the masturbation per se, but more the lack of respect.

Nope this would not go down well with me, I think it’s bizarre that he felt the need to do it whilst you were off sorting the baby out and also he couldn’t even be arsed to move! Presumably if it was the other way around you wouldn’t do the same?! In which case I think he should respect that there should be some boundaries!

Did you speak to him about it?

Yeah...I wouldn't like that at all.

I think it's a bit creepy under the circumstances tbh.

You definitely need to talk to him about it imo.

YANBU. That's inappropriate, I'd be really pissed off too!!

Is he push for sex in general? Could this be a pointed way of telling you he wants more sex? If so, I would consider his actions even more annoying/disrespectful.

Yes of course you should raise the issue if your partner does anything sexual that you are not happy about, and this comes into that category. I can understand your annoyance but I don't think you should make a big thing of it, confining him to the bathroom if he wants a wank is a bit harsh in my view. He needs to make sure there is no chance the DC could walk in on him but I don't think you should worry, surely it's normal for partners to masturbate in front of each other nowadays?

Charming family life, you have.

No problem him having a wank but to do so in that situation? Total creep