DH masturbating while I deal with the baby!?

[DontSayIDidntTellYou]

So off the bat, let me just say that yes, I know there are far bigger problems going on in the world right now, but I really just need to quickly vent and get some different perspectives!

So dh, myself and our DC’s live in a relatively small flat.
As you come out of our lounge, our bedroom door is directly to your right, I’m talking inches away from our lounge. We have no door to our front room as we took it off years ago for extra space, and our bedroom door is always open. This may seem like a weird detail to be mentioning, but if you bear with me, you’ll see why I’m telling you that.

So our youngest dc just woke up. He’s a breastfed baby. I took myself off in to our bedroom to feed the baby, he fed, and fell back to sleep within minutes. I decided to lay down with him for an extra few minutes to make sure he was properly asleep before getting back up as I didn’t want to disturb him.

However, a matter of seconds before I thought ‘right, I can leave him now’, and a grand total of maybe 5 minutes (or less!) of me being gone from the front room, I started hearing the undeniable sounds of my DH umm, enjoying himself, so to speak.

I’m sure he must sort himself while I’m in the flat (perhaps while he’s in the bath or while I’m asleep, I don’t know! We have three DC’s 3 and under so I don’t know when and where he’s able to do it!), but, to my knowledge, he’s never been this brazen before. I was literally 12 steps away, wide awake, feeding our baby and planning to come back to the lounge at any given minute....

I know this isn’t AIBU.. but AIBU to think you don’t start jacking off the moment your mrs steps out of the room to feed your baby? Knowing the bedroom door was open and I was literally a matter of feet away!?

I’m (likely irrationally) annoyed right now, but something about it isn’t sitting right with me.
I’ve told him in the past that I’d rather him not whack off when I’m awake in the flat - particularly if I’m dealing with the kids - but obviously with everything that’s going on right now, we’re both at home so I understand that his ‘personal’ time is slightly strained now.

I came back in to the front room clearly before he’d had the chance to finish, and he looked startled and flustered when he saw me and very quickly rearranged the blanket that was over his lap.
But still. How would you feel?!

That is the most disgusting thing ever

You say you've said before about this but the question has to be why would you want 3 kids with someone who does that and why on earth are you still with him when he is totally in-appropriate and gross in your lounge

When the solicitors re-open I'd be filing for divorce! I'm sat with my partner now he can't believe what I'm reading to him.

Please have some respect for yourself and leave that animal 🤢

@SylvanianFrenemies so you wouldn’t find it disrespectful if your partner did something you had specifically told them made you uncomfortable?

I feel like this is a parallel universe. Divorce someone because they accidentally were overheard knocking one out 🙄

@puds11 I'll preface this by saying that I've never walked in on my partner masturbating.

I don't think I have the right to ask my partner not to masturbate, nor him to say the same to me. If there was a lack of discretion, fair enough to ask them to be more careful. But some of the responses here are totally bizarre in their lack.of proportion.

When the solicitors re-open I'd be filing for divorce! I'm sat with my partner now he can't believe what I'm reading to him
Really? I can’t believe what I’m reading!

I don’t know what he was thinking to be honest but really not the end of the world !

@Hellokitty82 Divorce over this? WTF?

What I don't get is couldn't he have been quiet? :) I think everyone can do it quietly if they need to. Was he drunk or somethng? :/

Clearly this isn't something I'm going to leave him over however, I am still pissed off that we've spoken about this before, so he knows how it makes me feel, yet he's gone ahead and done it anyway, with no discretion, like, I know the rooms are close and all, but I could hear him. Like wtf.

Can't wait until I'm actually in bed asleep? That's fine, I guess. He knows where the bathroom is. Absolutely no need to do it in the front room when he's know I'll be back at second, and subsequently feel uncomfortable.

The gross bit is the fact he would have wiped himself on your blanket. Would he have then put the blanket in the lining basket or just left it on the sofa for you to snuggle in tomorrow?

For me the striking thing was that at that moment his pleasure was more important to him than your comfort, the fact he knows it’s not ok to do that when you’re awake and tending to a child.
You’ve got 3 kids, I imagine you may be feeling ‘touched out’ and that’s completely normal. As you’ve said, why not tug himself off in the shower or in the bath?
How is your relationship otherwise?

That's a bit of a leap @Beansandcoffee. Maybe he had a couple of tissues in his pocket.

@Beansandcoffee
I totally agree it's gross that is exactly what I meant

People may consider it an over reaction but I'm telling you if my partner did that he'd be out - why would people think that was ok?

I cannot believe people think this is acceptable behaviour it's just really grim and if the OP didn't think the same and be disgusted herself by it then she wouldn't have started a thread about it!!!

I feel like this is a parallel universe. Divorce someone because they accidentally were overheard knocking one out

Welcome to MN.

DH masturbating while I deal with the baby!

Frankly, I thought this was going to be a very different thread.

I know that some people are fine with porn and can deal with their dh's whacking off whenever, whether they're at home too or not, but sadly I'm just not one of those 'cool' wives.

My ex before my DH, used to turn me down for sex on a regular basis, then would purposely wait until I'd fallen asleep and would watch porn/masturbate in bed next to me. Thanks to dealing with that for, frankly too long, I've put up a bit of wall around the topic and it makes me feel really quite uncomfortable.

I told DH about my 'issues' early on, long before dc came along. I stated in my original post that to my knowledge, he's never been so blasé about where he's chosen to do it, as I've never once heard or caught him in the act before in the many years we've been together, so tonight has kind of caught me off guard tbh.

I just find myself thinking, if there was anything in the world that DH could tell me made him uncomfortable, or upset, or whatever, then I'd do my utmost best to respect him, and not do whatever it was that could potentially cause those negative feelings!

My ex used to do this kind of shit all the time... that is one of the reasons he is my ex...

I don’t get why he was startled when he knew you were coming back? Do you regularly lay down with the baby and end up falling asleep yourself?

Says to me that he wasn’t expecting you to come back and quite possibly has done this before, op.

@DontSayIDidntTellYou where is porn mentioned? That's a different issue. I'm not a "cool wife". Its fair enough that you are annoyed about the lack of discretion. But it does sound like the painful behaviour of your ex is inflaming things.

It’s weird that he starts pulling one off as soon as you’ve left the room. I’m not against masturbation but that’s odd.

Does he knock one out during the adverts?
Do you return from making a tea and there’s an aroma of Brighton beach?

He’d better start finding more suitable places for his solo love in a small flat with three dc.

That's so disrespectful. To be honest it sounds like he's getting some kind of kick out of knowing that you could walk back in and catch him. It's fucking out of order to involve other people in your links without their knowledge or permission. He can't genuinely be so dimwitted that he wouldn't just go to the bathroom where he is guaranteed privacy rather than wanking in the living room that he knows you are about to re-enter any minute. It has to be deliberate. I'd be raging about it. What a bastard. You shouldn't have to feel like you can't just walk into your own living room or worried about what you might walk in on. That's your home.

*kinks

Don't really get the "grim"/"gross" comments- presumably they've never masturbated?

Not casually on the sofa while DH is in the next room

Have you spoken to him?

You are in lockdown and so his options are limited. I think masturbating in the bathroom is the most unsexy and unsatisfying experience. I assume he wasn't going to finish on your blanket though.

Do you know what, this has only ever bothered me when I was BF or dealing with very small children. DH has always woken up in the night very aroused. Sometimes he’ll wake me or try to and other times he’ll just masturbate. Sometimes I’ll join in and other times I’ll tell him to keep it down and stop vibrating the bed. But, I absolutely could not stand the very idea of him doing it in the night if I was sat up Bfeeding or feeding/seeing to baby or toddler in the next room. It made me properly livid with our eldest. I think because I felt utterly exhausted and thought he had no right to be pleasuring himself whilst I was sat, cold and slept deprived with our young child.

However, once I explained this to him he totally got it and dimply didn’t do it at when I was up seeing to our children. Occasionally he’d make a pass at me when I came back to bed and very occasionally he’d masturbate afterwards once I was cosy and falling back to sleep but never when I was up. I assume this was because he’s an adult able to control himself and because he respected me enough to do as I asked. The problem here is that your partner knows this is unacceptable to you and still does it. That’s not on.

As an aside, solicitors are still open. We are taking telephone appointments and are in fact, busier than ever.

We have to stay contactable due to SRA guidelines. We are bound to provide the same level of service at all times, under all conditions.

I don’t know what to suggest OP, but this really wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. I certainly wouldn’t divorce over it