Advice on relationship which is petering rather than awful

[PeteringOut]

For a long while I’ve been struggling with my relationship. There’s nothing bad I can point to and say ‘look he’s horrendous’ but I’m really struggling.

We get along fine, deal with our 3 kids fine, do the house stuff fairly, are generally considerate of each other. But it honestly feels more like living with a colleague or friend than the person you’ve said you’ll spend your entire life with.

I feel like if we didn’t live in a house with a massive mortgage and didn’t have kids I’d feel more confident about saying it’s run it’s course. But because we do have kids I feel like I should suck it up and be grateful.

Really I’d love to feel grateful for everything I have, to be content. But I’m not. Day time is easier, even in lock down, but night time just highlights to me how we don’t really interact, we’re not affectionate and really sex is, for me, more like scratching an itch.

He seems content/oblivious/putting his head in the sand and would want to fix anything I raised so I’m finding it hard to talk about. As I’m not sure I want to fix it with him.

Any advice? I’m I just an ungrateful cow? Tell me straight!

I don't think for one minute that you are an ungrateful cow.
This whole lock down / WFH (if not a key worker) has maybe left us unable to hide from the truth?
I can normally distract myself, pretend that I don't feel the way I do, focus on other things that mean I don't have to acknowledge the crap-ness that is my marriage. But with all distractions taken away I have to look/ acknowledge the tatters of my marriage.
It's hard.

I also have been struggling a while with my relationship and this lock down has shown me quite how shit it is.
I too would love to be content and grateful for what I have, (on paper I have lots to be grateful for) But I don't, and I don't believe that is a deficiency on my part, it's been going on for years. I have tried my hardest to make it all work.

I see also that this discontent been going on for ages with you,

I'm finding it hard, but I'm re evaluating the whole relationship, very tough, so my heart goes out to you.

No advice as I’m in exactly the same boat but I just wanted to say I understand. It’s rubbish. Lockdown makes it worse because there are no distractions. I don’t know how I could leave as financially I’d be screwed and I couldn’t afford a house on my own. If there were no kids I’d walk away but it’s not that easy when there are kids involved. You have my sympathies x

Thanks both, I think I’m realistic about the grass not being greener elsewhere but I worry I don’t understand how hard it can be on your own/sharing custody or how I’d feel in the long run when he got a new partner. And I look at a morning like this morning and think your got a lie in, he’s done the hoovering, what are you complaining about?’ but at the same time all we do is, from my point of view, talk about the kids and make small talk. I honestly think he finds it nice and feels contented and I feel like I’m slowing drowning.

My heart goes out to you too - it’s both nice and not nice to have people in the same boat.

same boat, 3 kids. Great on paper. I feel invisible. I feel like we are so far away from the people we were when we met, it's heartbreaking.
That man would have done everything in his power to make me feel loved and appreciated. This one barley makes eye contact with me.
I would describe our relationship as perfectly polite but almost awkward.
Scarce affection and sexless.

I can't do this forever.

I don’t initiate any affection as it feels false. He doesn’t either really but the little he does do makes me feel quite uncomfortable which makes me feel really cruel. But again, he doesn’t seem to notice/be bothered. He never mentions anything about lack of hugs, kisses, sex. When I was in my ‘trying to be grateful’ drive I mentioned it and he was like yeah, more would be great’ but we just slide back and now I don’t want it so it’s just not happening. To me it feels like a massive elephant in the room but he doesn’t seem bothered/to notice.

Not selfish at all. I had decided to split wth my ex a few days before the quarantine came into place so he can’t go anywhere else for time being. But being at home has made it abundantly clear that we have zero in common. We don’t laugh together. We can’t hold a conversation. I’m bored of him. This is not the sole reason for splitting up though.

I have mentioned the above points and he seemed to want to disagree but had no basis for disagreement because there was nothing he could think of to say to disagree.

@PeteringOut I am in the same situation. He hasn't got a clue which makes me feel worse. We just live desperate lives in the same house, rarely sit in a room together. Since lockdown he has slept in the spare room (as he is worried about CV) which i feel a lot more comfortable with. But he is a great father and always does his fair share around the house. I end up wondering if I just expect too much

Same here. We don’t yet live together-which has probably caused how I’m feeling now. Deep down I suppose I do love him but actually right now, I’m really not missing him. Like you, it’s all ok but the spark has gone for many complicated reasons that are another issue. I don’t know whether to go with it as it’s ok or break it off as I’m not being fair to him. My instinct is to break it off, the main reason being-3 weeks in isolation and I’m so not missing him.
I think you need to listen to your heart, I’m not sure any of us can put up with it being ‘ok’ xxx

Personally I'd get some therapy and try and work on your marriage.

There must be things you like about him (why did you marry him? Why have three (THREE!) Children with him? If he is so very meh

Maybe you have both neglected your romantic relationship, maybe you are having some kind of midlife crisis?
But it doesnt sound like it is non salvagable

I think when you have children, by necessity they become the focus, and your relationship is secondary. You don’t have the time or energy to make the relationship with your spouse the focus. But your children grow up, and your relationship becomes the focus of your life again.

I will admit I never felt the way you did, OP. But I also had different expectations. Nevertheless, I do see the difference now that our children are grown.

^you do, OP.

You have 3 kids, you get on ok, what else do you expect after this long? I would also try putting more time and effort into you two before throwing in the towel. Yes we all grow and change but the trick is to find the connection together. I am also 3 kids down and feel more like the taxi driver than the lover. But I know I have a good man and wouldn't walk away. Our time will come.

He sounds like a decent husband/father, and the relationship has just run its course.

"really sex is, for me, more like scratching an itch"
That doesn't sound so bad - you read here about women who literally find their partner's touch painful. Still if you want more, there is nothing wrong with that.

"He seems content/oblivious/putting his head in the sand"
I would tick the "content" and "oblivious" boxes here. This is something you see with men - they generally have a higher tolerance for dull/tired relationships than women. You'll have to assume he has no clue of how you feel and you'll have to tell him explicitly. But there's little chance of getting that spark back you want. Perhaps you should contemplate leaving.

How old are your kids? Relationships do get boring and take effort. It's effortless when you first meet, which is why you end up being able to rub along easily later (even if boring). What can you do to carve out time to reconnect? Unless there's a whole load you're not saying, it sounds like a classic long term relationship which you can revitalise if you try, but it sounds like you haven't properly tried or even talked about how you're really feeling. The man's not a mind reader.

I do understand some people's opinion of trying therapy and making more of an effort. But how difficult is marriage meant to be? We have been married less than 10 years, he's had to go stay at his mum's for a week a few times and we have been to therapy 3 times. Is that normal? Not sure if others have tried to this extent? When do you just accept you are incomtabile?

Tulip55 I doubt the OP has been to therapy 3 times already....

to answer a few questions, I didn’t feel like this when we got married, but that was 10 years ago, but I will put my hand on my heart and say the physical side was already dwindling then. We had sex twice on honeymoon and I remember being relieved we’d done it on our wedding night as I didn’t want to be the type of person who didn’t.

He’s a nice bloke and I prioritised that over the physical side. Tbh the guy I was with before was a shit and dh is the polar opposite.

In some ways our early years together were a bit of a whirl wind. We moved in quickly, got engaged a year later, married the next, Ds1 the year after. We were always doing something, pursuing the next thing.

I have had personal therapy. The conclusion I’ve come to there is that I have tried but I find the trying exhausting and unrewarding, I’m not a quitter and I want to feel different but fact is I don’t.

We probably have neglected the romantic side of our relationship but then I’m not sure it was ever that romantic.

Same here, married 20 years, with 2 DC.
On paper absolutely nothing to moan about but the reality is we are poles apart and I am so lonely. Being with each other 24/7 during self-isolation has really hammered home how little I enjoy being around him.

We've had couples counselling in the past which kind of patches things up but we ultimately slip back into old dysfunctional habits. Although I have deep respect for him, I just don't think I love him anymore.
But ultimately my biggest concern is for our DC. My own DPs split up when I was a similar age to DS and it messed me up for a long time. I'd rather just wait until they are older

That resonates with me Dorset. I do feel lonely.

This thread is like the inside of my head though, on the one hand I feel like it’s over, on the other I think my expectations are wrong, but then I think this can’t be it for the rest of my life, but then I think I’m not trying, but then I think I have tried and the idea of trying and making myself do and say things I don’t feel is awful...and round and round I go. So that, literally years go by and I’m still having this row with myself.

OP have you had couples counselling? I know you said you had personal counselling. I just wonder if you could (with help) both work on what your marriage is lacking. Would you both be up for trying at least?
Lockdown had made a lot of people have to face up to what may be missing in their relationships. I’ve realised that Dh and I have been getting lazy and not making as much effort as we used to.

I’m jumping in on this one cos I’m feeling the exact same way about my OH. I don’t want to break up my family with 2 DC because I’ve fallen out of love with my husband (married for 5 years, together for 9) and I keep thinking if I feel this lonely now, what will it be like in another 5 years, 10 years?

Awful atmosphere in the house; trying to slap on 'business as usual' face for the DC but we live in a small house and they are picking up on vibes.

Op, I have noticed a pattern that seems to be discontent around the 10year mark, used to be said it was the 7 year itch.

I think there is a loss of self with young children and couples can grow apart but that doesn't mean it's terminal. What if you knew it would be ok on a few years time?

Having gone through divorce I wouldn't ever advocate separation until you have exhausted all avenues.

How old are you? Age and drudgery hits all of us at some stage, especially when the child bearing years are behind us and we are not sure what is next. Don't confuse midlife with unhappiness in your marriage.

I’m 34 and the boys are 8 and 5 (twins). I get what you’re saying about a midlife slump but to be honest I have a good job I like, I do have friends. In my personal therapy I spent ages thinking all this was about my job or a general dissatisfaction but it all circles back round to my relationship.

There isn’t an atmosphere in the house cause he’s fine! There’s nothing to have an atmosphere with but in my head I’m just thinking “go away” or “please don’t touch me” all the time. His amiable presence irritates me and he just witters on about boring stuff.

See it is me! What a cow!

@peteringout You are so absolutely NOT a cow! Well, if you are, I am too. I feel exactly the same. Especially when you say you have the same row with yourself inside your head over and over again. A million times yes to this. I'm exhausted with myself. We've gone through it all, my own counselling, couples counselling, talking, and it's never going to change for me. I have no feelings for him, and I've told him this. Despite all this, his suggestion yesterday was to book flights to go on holiday next February. When I didn't show much enthusiasm for this, he got really upset and said I was always just miserable and he was sick of it. I said honestly that I don't know what things will be like between us by then, and that I hoped he didn't think all the things we'd discussed in counselling had just gone away. This led to a nightmare of a day, him talking at me, me not saying much (because I don't want to be hurtful and spell out that I'm happier when he's not here.) I've told him I need more than this in my life, only to be told I'm selfish for putting my feelings ahead of our family. He's made me feel like some terrible person because I'm finally saying how much I'm missing having normal adult relationship contact. We haven't had any intimacy for nine years (for which he blames me) and I need it. I need it. I can't go the whole of the rest of my life without it. The alternative being bumbling along with someone I don't love, avoiding spending any time together. Is that selfish to want better than this?!!!! And despite him being in despair yesterday when the talk got round to the possibility of separation (he said if I break up this family, it will be a really terrible terrible thing to do) he's spent the past few hours upstairs listening to his music as usual. Yesterday he was all for spending time together and communicating. It's not as if he's up there in a huff, he keeps popping down singing and whistling as if everything's perfectly fine. I just want it over, for my kids to be happy, and to move on. I don't know how to :(