Advice on relationship which is petering rather than awful

[PeteringOut]

For a long while I’ve been struggling with my relationship. There’s nothing bad I can point to and say ‘look he’s horrendous’ but I’m really struggling.

We get along fine, deal with our 3 kids fine, do the house stuff fairly, are generally considerate of each other. But it honestly feels more like living with a colleague or friend than the person you’ve said you’ll spend your entire life with.

I feel like if we didn’t live in a house with a massive mortgage and didn’t have kids I’d feel more confident about saying it’s run it’s course. But because we do have kids I feel like I should suck it up and be grateful.

Really I’d love to feel grateful for everything I have, to be content. But I’m not. Day time is easier, even in lock down, but night time just highlights to me how we don’t really interact, we’re not affectionate and really sex is, for me, more like scratching an itch.

He seems content/oblivious/putting his head in the sand and would want to fix anything I raised so I’m finding it hard to talk about. As I’m not sure I want to fix it with him.

Any advice? I’m I just an ungrateful cow? Tell me straight!

@BertiesLanding that's really interesting, I do think films and the media make marriage/love unattainable. The idea that we are all romantic and sexual all the time after 10-15 years I dont believe is true.

I don't know anyone that has that relationship.

Romance - or the expectation of it - is the biggest relationship let-down of all, imo, @MrsTumbletap

I don’t think I’m looking for romance just enough attraction/desire to make us feel like more than colleagues. Thing is, I don’t think I want that with him. It’s sad, but I’ve changed hugely and as @Bearski77 said perfectly ‘I need to either have a chance at finding this, or being on my own - without feeling like I'm committing some terrible crime’.

@PeteringOut I'm not sure if someone said this further up the thread or in another similar thread, but as my counsellor pointed out - what's the one thing that separates a relationship from a friendship? Sex. Without sex, you've got a friendship.
At one time I had accepted that this was all I was ever going to have, and not to think about wanting anything more. But as time has gone by, I cannot accept it. Even my mam says I cannot live this way! We'd never mentioned anything in the slightest bit sex-related to each other til I was 42 years old!!!! None of us should be settling for a friendship if that's not enough. For me, it's barely even that tbh... x

Do you fancy him?

Or COULD you if he romanced you a bit?

It’s a good question neveri don’t know. The idea makes me feel tired and want to be alone. It makes me feel like it’s hard and forced.

I feel the same backlash it feels like play acting.

Dh tried to hold my hand when we went out to a gig the night after counselling. It felt so uncomfortable I had to pull away and could not just put on an act. He was hurt, and told me so, but am I just supposed to pretend? No. And no, I don't fancy dh. I wish I did, but I don't, and I can't magic up those feelings. If he did try to romance me, I'd feel sick. Sounds awful, but that's how it is. I honestly wish I could snap out of this and just be happy like everyone else, but I can't x

hi, i just wanted to say that this sounds normal to me. I agree that this marriage might be salvageable. sometimes i think that we are looking for something that does not exist. i can confirm that the grass is not always greener and that in my experience marriage does usually end up like this. Do you love him ? does he love/care for you ? can you trust him ? is he a good father ? is he reliable ? does he provide for you ? does he lie ? does he gamble, drink or take drugs ? is he aggressive ? would he look after you if you were unwell ? do you feel secure with him ? if ok to these then i would try to work on it.
i understand how you feel but i would be wary. In my experience the romantic , constant sex never lasts. I dont mean to upset you but having been through the divorce experience with children etc i would say that the grass is not always greener. see my other post. good luck

I get that worried but I’m only in my 30s and that sounds rather a lot like (hopefully) 40+ more years without sex which is anything other than doing it because I don’t want a sexless relationship. At least if I was alone that pressure wouldn’t be there.

Every post on here resonates with me..
I spent most of my married life thinking my DH loves me more than I love him.
I have had a wonderful life with him, everyone that knows us would have said we are great together.
But. I was never supported. I used to get to the point where I'd be crying putting our children to bed and texting or calling him to come upstairs to help and get 'what?!'
I started to have feelings for someone else.
So I told him last week its over for me. He's just ignored it, after a day of moping, he's acting like nothing has happened.
I have no idea how long it will take, but
I know I'm making the right decision for me. And for our children. They deserve to see a loving, committed, affectionate relationship.

We can grow out of people. Not everything lasts forever. Just because we have kids doesn’t mean we have to just accept it. Too many people just never do what’s best for them. Life short we only get one life and wasting years staying with someone that doesn’t fit you anymore is just a waste or time and also tedious

How are you doing OP and everyone else?
I'm looking at this long weekend stretching ahead of my like looking down the barrel of a gun.
DH is up early, cooking, playing loud classical music and being very nice and amenable...
Meanwhile he's totally ignored me talking to him a week ago to say that for me the feelings were gone and we needed to think about ending things..
He's just gone into full denial after a day of sulking.. Acting like nothings been said. Apparently even though I've tried everything, he hasn't so I need to let him try.
I guess there's value in that, letting him do everything he feels he can (cooking for us, he's an excellent cook, showing me our family together etc) but I also feel like I'm stringing him along.
I'm hoping counselling on Monday might help as I can say it again and make him realise he's not listening to me.
He's an excellent man, but just hasn't been an excellent husband and has been like a 3rd child to be honest, still is. Very passive, very reliant on me... He's started not to be but I've felt like this for 6 years on and off and it's turning me into a passive aggressing witch, because I nag, moan, roll my eyes. We aren't having sex, and I'm fine with that. Really don't want him to even kiss me, find it repulsive, these wet, slightly pathetic pecks on the lips.
I can't even say I love you to him, haven't said it at all in years.
We started off as friends and whilst there was a slight spark, it was more that I was lonely and needed someone. I feel like whilst we've had dome great times, it's run its course.
But getting him to understand that, especially in the current situation, is so difficult.

Same here @Stegasaurusmum every time we have a talk, he seems to go into denial as if things are completely normal. Ffs, yesterday he came out to the garden to show me his all time best Arsenal team, complete with substitutes, set out in full formation on a piece of paper. I'm not sure what reaction he wanted. A pat on the back? For me to sit down and go through the team with fake enthusiasm? What's that about?
One good thing for you is that he's cooking! Mine lives on pot noodles or other ready meals which he just makes for himself.
Oh and yes, I've had the accusations of being passive aggressive too. Yes, maybe I am, but not just randomly for no reason, it comes from the way things have been for years.
No sex or kisses or I love yous for years. The only form of affection I've had in maybe the past nine years is a cuddle when we've 'had to' at a family occasion or something, and then he hugs like he's hugging another man, or his mum or something. It's like an arms length thing ending with a pat on the back. Not what I want in life.
And yes the current situation makes things impossible. I've had enough of this weekend already. I've been furloughed for the next three weeks, which I'm glad about as I don't need to be in my horrible work place. But while he's been working from home and been busy and occupied all the time, he's now been furloughed too, so we're both at a loose end for the foreseeable future. . . .
Hope everyone here is OK x x

@stegasaurusmum, you have my sympathies as I am in the same boat. Having told him I no longer love him, he acts like the conversation never happened..I have worked out I will need to present him with divorce papers to make it happen..:(
As for the grass not being greener, I am so f**king lonely in this marriage how could it not be?!

Well... Just to give hope.
DH sat down tonight and started a conversation with me, was thinking it was going to be more of how he was trying and I wasn't really..
We talked and agreed we are going to fo the best for the kids, he's understood its over, it's been over for him for a while. We hugged, cried a lot.. But left things OK.
I just have to hope it will continue to be as amicable.
I feel so relieved. Things will change, but we agreed nothing needs to change straight away.. Hopefully the children will be at the front of it all.
So sad, but ultimately it's all for the best.

Sorry @Stegasaurusmum. At least you both agree to put the DC first. And you're not arguing about it.

That’s good stegosaurus! Progress. I really resonated with you saying he loves you more than you love him, and also the cooking and being amenable. It’s so hard, you can’t point it something and say “there, that’s why”.

We’re...fine? We deal with the kids, have high level conversations, sit together (at opposite ends of the sofa with a meter between us) and have dinner and watch TV. It’s just rumbling on but I feel so down. I can’t remember if I said but a few weeks ago I initiated sex, what a mistake. It was horrible, awkward and crap. I initiated because I thought I should at least ‘try’ but probably all I’ve done is send (more) mixed messages.

He touched on talking to me in the week but I was working so couldn’t really engage. Nothing since.

It does feel good. Sad and a bit odd today but good. Hoping we don't have to sell the house straightaway, we obviously have to stay put for a while anyway. I think I'll gradually start to just give him space and do less of the widely duties like washing his clothes etc.
I get the initiating sex... I did that, back in January, as an attempt to make everything OK. It didn't, it was horrible and I hated it.
I've been trying to make everything OK for years though, gradually chipping away at my self worth as it's gone on.
I've told a couple of people today, which felt really good.
I'm optimistic and yes, no arguing, we never really did though. Just low level sniping....
Im hoping things will continue to progress, we talked a little more today and are both OK. I'm having yo be cautious about bring too happy, it does feel too good to be true at the moment.

One step at a time, but do you feel a bit lighter? I imagine feeling like I won’t have something constantly hanging over me anymore if we separate.

@Bearski77 your bit about the arsenal team had me nodding. Dh has hobbies and is constantly saying “do you want to come and look at what I’ve been doing?” So I stand there, looking thinking - what am I meant to say? When did you get so boring? And then get the hurt puppy treatment because I say “oh great” and don’t gush about it.

Yes I do, I soke to a friend today and they said I just sounded lighter.
It's scary still and I'm sad for both of us and not having the future we planned, but to be honest it just wasn't possible I don't think.
We do have two fabulous children who we can do this as kindly as possible for I guess.