Advice on relationship which is petering rather than awful

[PeteringOut]

For a long while I’ve been struggling with my relationship. There’s nothing bad I can point to and say ‘look he’s horrendous’ but I’m really struggling.

We get along fine, deal with our 3 kids fine, do the house stuff fairly, are generally considerate of each other. But it honestly feels more like living with a colleague or friend than the person you’ve said you’ll spend your entire life with.

I feel like if we didn’t live in a house with a massive mortgage and didn’t have kids I’d feel more confident about saying it’s run it’s course. But because we do have kids I feel like I should suck it up and be grateful.

Really I’d love to feel grateful for everything I have, to be content. But I’m not. Day time is easier, even in lock down, but night time just highlights to me how we don’t really interact, we’re not affectionate and really sex is, for me, more like scratching an itch.

He seems content/oblivious/putting his head in the sand and would want to fix anything I raised so I’m finding it hard to talk about. As I’m not sure I want to fix it with him.

Any advice? I’m I just an ungrateful cow? Tell me straight!

@Bearski77 yep that’s it. I think we’re still in the pre stage of me feeling distraught and him being fine. We last had sex in February...he hasn’t said a word. Maybe he thinks that if he ignores it it’ll go away.

We have spoken a bit but they he just goes back to normal and I feel so isolated. Fundamentally he’s happy with what we have and I’m not. How do you work with that?

Jeez Bearski that sounds grim. What do you mean by "intimacy"? Whatever you mean, to go 9 years without it sounds very bad.

@Scott72 I mean no sex, no kisses, no hugs (apart from those you feel you 'have to' do at family events etc, which is like he's hugging another bloke, or even his mum. He literally pats me on the back ffs) No touching, nothing at all. I have more physical contact with people at work. Probably more emotional contact too! It's just nothing.

Dorset, you are me. 20 years, 2 kids, parents split which makes me terrified to do the same.

Petering. To be controversial, how would you or he feel about becoming non monogamous? If sex is one of the primary issues would allowing one another that freedom elsewhere help?
I know two couples now who have done this. For one it convinced them their relationship was actually over, and the other have been polyamorous for years and seem to have a great, balanced life.
Its obviously not for everyone and I’m sure I’ll be slated on here by many for it...but it could be an option?

@PeteringOut @Bearski77 I could have written the exact same posts as you did yesterday- really resonated. Couples counselling, my own counselling all circles back round to my relationship as you say - I couldn’t have said it better. Like you both my husband is fine! Absolutely fine, despite me being totally not. I have given up engaging in any conversation as, as my therapist suggested he is saying yes to my needs but ‘doing no’. I fought in the beginning to have my needs taken into consideration- but lost that war - what I need and want doesn’t count. I’m exhausted with myself too! Wondering how I let it reach this point, too afraid to go, self esteem and self trust gone - when I was once a happy bubbly person, Christ I was his boss once (that did not go down well!) none of us want the same things - no shared interests - each time I try to get the courage to leave I somehow get reeled back in. Like you say @Bearski77 I just want it over, for my kids to be happy but don’t know how - am letting fear hold me back.
Love to you all 💕

@PeteringOut and YES to the elephant in the room - we don’t talk all day, no affection (especially from me now) then he comes to bed we watch some TV and I want to scream can’t you see that massive fucking elephant over there in the corner!!
I believe that I have let him control me over the years, acquiesced to keep the peace but now so much anger and resentment on my part. Why on earth did I not leave him years ago when I saw what are now so obviously big red flags.
Thinking of you all in difficult relationships x

I'm the same. I know it's over, I feel nothing for him. I'm trying to convince him it's over too. We're getting into this terrible cycle of me trying to say I just don't love him anymore, him saying he doesn't understand and what can he do to change things, which ends up with me trying to justify myself by tearing into him and completely destroying him. I don't want to tell him he's a worthless human being, I just want to get out and remain amicable enough to co-parent. He just won't communicate and blames me for destroying the DC lives.

See, I don’t think there is anything I could point to and say change that and we’d be fine. It’s about chemistry and desire and connection. He’s a nice man, we’ve had a nice sit on the sofa. Nice nice nice. I’m suffocating in nice. Bland, numb, nothingy nice.

PeteringOut your emotions are what they are and there's probably nothing you can do to change them. It sounds like your marriage is making you miserable. That's reality, and you need to end it. Once the present crisis has resolved itself that is.

Even if you had married a man with stronger chemistry, that chemistry would probably have worn off by now, and if you'd waited for such a man you might never have found him in time to have kids. Its unfortunate that there are so many expectations placed on marriage, in particular that it will last a lifetime, that just aren't realistic.

Oh dear, I feel your pain. I am in similar situation, perhaps even worse. This is the second thread already that I am posting in with the same topic. I have been with my husband for 25 years but most of them I was not very happy. He is not a bad guy, but he has difficult personality and I am very sensitive person, so we have not been getting along well. Anyway, I made it a New Years resolution this year to deal with my marriage (make it or break it) and to take care of myself in general. I started to go for counseling, I am taking yoga classes, going out with my friends and stuff. I though I was getting progress with counselling and getting closer to deciding what to do with my marriage when Covid-19 happened and cut it all off for me. So now, no counselling, no yoga, both my husband and I work from home, so stuck at home with him 24/7. Most days I feel like I am going to explode. I am trying to pretend that all is well, keep my emotions in control and such, but is hard. We have not been intimate since before New Years Eve and I do not feel like it at all, so this whole situation raises the tension between us. To make it all worse our three children live with us (two of them are young adults) and I do not want them to know that we are in crises…
Bottom line is… I have no idea how I will survive this, but I am glad that I connected with you. Perhaps knowing that we are not alone in this will help us.

This is exactly it, keds (sorry, don't know what happened to tags) in that we are also in a cycle of him making us have a talk every so often, me clamming up, trying not to say anything hurtful, and therefore not being able to justify why I'm feeling like this. I just want to shout at him to get away from me because frankly he stinks - he hardly ever brushes his teeth and it's disgusting, I have to step back from him. I want to tell him I could not be less attracted to him if I tried. I want to tell him I'm so much happier when he's not here. I want to tell him he's an absolute fanny about everything and I just need a real man who wants to tear my clothes off and set me on fire. All of that. But I don't say any of it, so things settle down again and I try to be polite. All the while trying to ignore the fact he's said I'm selfish and awful for wanting to break up the family he's invested 15 years of his life in.
And yes @Peteringout he asks what he can do to make it better, well there's nothing he can do. I just don't want him. I am sad about that, it's really hard for me to hurt him so much, I'm not just doing this willy nilly, I've hung on this long to save his feelings, but I can see that dragging it on only makes it worse. I've spent all day upstairs either with the kids or decorating because I just don't want to be around him.
I'm so sorry that there's so many of us here in the same situation. All we want is to find a bit of happiness for ourselves, but we all seem to be putting everyone else's feelings first, and then that's where you get stuck. Lots of love to all x x

Scott - that’s kind of how I feel, it wouldn’t devalue it not to last forever.

bearskill77 your dh actually sounds terrible, who expects someone to stay with someone they won’t brush their teeth for. Yeesh!

liveoutloud that sounds terrible. A difficult personality is often a euphemism for being just awful.

We just rub along like two nice colleagues...

My parents stayed in a miserable relationship all my childhood which gave me a horror of being stuck In a bad relationship. But I did end up in a bad relationship. I left with my dds tho and am so much happier now. So much better and less lonely on my own than in a bad relationship.

I feel similar. We have two young DCs so I'm unsure if it's that really or the relationship has run its course. My DH works so much and it's caused an issue between us. Resentment. I have to pick up slack so my career has nosedived. I was going to try and sort it out - get more help, try and install a bit more fun back into our lives but then c19 happened. That coupled with his emotional unavailability and general lack of having fun anymore makes me want out. But he's a nice man. We generally get on. Like you - were colleagues!
The lockdown is amplifying our issues. He's around but not. We're bickering more. I want to fuck off to Timbuktu on my own right now.

I would probably try counselling first then bite the bullet. I think that's what I'm going to do when all this is over. I'm also writing everything down - both things that irritate upset or annoy me but also all the good nice and funny things too so see if I can see it a bit more rationally

@zsazsajuju I’m really glad it worked out for you. I’m terrified of making the wrong decision. It’s paralysing!

@slimecentury that’s a good plan. I might do the same.

Hi @PeteringOut I just wondered how you’re getting on?
I too am in a relationship that isn’t absolutely awful or abusive but has definitely petered out to the point that we are just friends.
Interested to hear how you’re handling everything x

I've been wondering about everyone here too. It's so sad to get to this position because I don't know about the rest of you, but I feel terrible for inflicting this pain on someone who hasn't done something massively wrong. It's just been little bits over the years that have worn me down and made me lose any feelings I had. I've taken off my wedding and engagement rings, and he hasn't even noticed. Or, maybe he has and just doesn't want to say anything about it. But we had a big talk last week which felt like things might at last bring things to a head, but it's gone back to normal since, and I don't know how to move forward. I have to go back to work tomorrow which I'm dreading because of the health risks, but looking forward to for the fact I'll get a break from him. . . Hope everyone's ok x

Hi everyone,
I rarely post anymore but have been a member for over 10 years. I originally came on here for advice about the EXACT same issue. My DH and I had drifted apart, no shared interests and when we spoke it was usually about the children. He was 'happy' but I was feeling more 'crushed' every day by the weight on a non existent adult relationship.
I look back now at my previous posts and realise I was posting the same things for seven years. It took me that long to bite the bullet and call 'enough'
In the beginning it was hard, my children didn't understand why I'd done it as we had masked things for so long and yes they 'hated' me for a while despite living with me.
After six months my DH said 'thank you' which I wasn't expecting. He said that I'd been brave to do what I did and he'd known for a long time that he wouldn't change but didn't want to rock the boat. I'm not seeing that things were easy after that as our children still didn't understand and still blamed me for splitting up our 'happy' home BUT....
I'm in Lockdown with the rest of the country. I'm sitting in MY home with just one child still living here and I'm happy. I don't feel lonely and I don't having the raging desire to throttle 'someone on a daily basis. I know without a shadow of a doubt that if we were still together I'd be wanting to walk out and risk getting sick in preference to staying in with someone I couldn't be with anymore. I have a much more honest relationship with 'DH' and we speak every week. He has his own home and admits that he too is so much happier. Neither of us have new partners but we are content. One of the best things is that my eldest recently said to me 'you were right! You are both happy and get on so much better now. I can see the difference.
I think what I'm trying to say is that the world doesn't end once you say 'I'm done' Yes its hard, there will be times when you wonder what the hell you've done and there will be huge ups and downs BUT for both of us it has worked and we have built a new friendship. we still parent together but have our own lives away from that. It is possible.
Not sure if that helps or hinders but I'm happy to answer any questions. Big hugs to all in that place now.

@Whosmadnow That is a really great story. And it's the story I hear from literally everyone I know who's been through the same - it's hard and you have massive doubts, but in the end it DOES get better and you can finally see you've done the right thing. I'm really happy for you and your partner, and your children that you can all see now you're so much happier. Thanks for sharing x

You are welcome Bearski. I have to be honest and say the reason it took so long was the fear of the unknown but I think eventually the thought of another year the same is worse than the fear. I think every New Years Eve for about six years I promised myself that next year it would be different. My initial thought when we split was 'omg what have I done' but the relief after going through it was enormous. When I got the keys to my new home I went on my own and just sat on the stairs laughing hysterically for what seemed like hours. I cannot tell you how much pleasure I took from decorating and just buying odd things for my home without anyone giving me 'The look' Our homes are so vastly different but equally loved. We have got through it and have a new respect for each other.

Hi all, thanks for coming to check on me - I’m touched!

I’m finding it hard and the weekend was particularly bad. I feel like I’m play acting and I don’t want to feel like that. I had therapy yesterday and it was really helpful and I felt a bit lighter and more able to get through today.

No idea what I’m going to do still!

I think the concept of marriage, with its religious/economic roots, is the problem here. We are trying to live up to something that essentially doesn't work for many people today.

Put dysfunctional ways of relating on top of that, and you're looking at a mountain that simply isn't worth climbing a lot of the time.

I think we need to get more creative about how we relate to each other and how we choose to raise children. I'm not talking about polyamory (though that may be an option for some - not for me, though), but of throwing out the rule book entirely and each person doing what best works for them, knowing that nothing will be perfect.

@BertiesLanding 100% this!!! Marriage is an outdated concept based on the things you say. Why are we so constrained as to feel stuck once we've made that commitment. I'm not saying it doesn't work for some people, and those who it does work for are the luckiest people in the world!
I do have love for my husband, but not romantic love, and I need to either have a chance at finding this, or being on my own - without feeling like I'm committing some terrible crime. He'll always be the kids' dad, and we'll always be a family, but I can't stay in the position I'm in forever because of a ring on my finger (which incidentally I've taken off...)

@Bearski77 - When a lot of people are sitting there blaming themselves for 'failing' then it's worth looking to see if it's the system that's failing, and not them.

I tried marriage twice. I divorced twice. It's not for me. I now live with my ex-husband, as friends with a deep love for each other, and we co-parent our teen kid. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I have a boyfriend, but we live very much separate lives (I visit him every weekend), and we aren't seeing each other during lockdown anyway. I don't need him, and he doesn't need me. We enjoy our time together, but if, for example, he were to want more from me, I wouldn't want to give it to him. I'm content with my family life, as unconventional as it is. And it will not work for everyone. It works for us, though.